Advice for aces in sexual relationships?

[ivoryillusion]

No idea the best way to title this...So here's the situation: It's only been in the last less than a year that I've kind of come to terms with the face that I am somewhere on the asexuality side of things, although most of the time it feels like demisexual or gray-a fits better, but I'm still figuring it all out. I'm not aromantic though, and a few months ago I started dating a wonderful guy who I hit it off with immediately. We fell in love, and he is one of the few people I have ever felt what I could call sexual attraction to.  I'd been a virgin up until him, for a lot of reasons, and ended up deciding to change that with him. 

 

Despite my lifelong dearth of sexual attraction, I do still have something of a libido, but not a very active one and usually quick and easy masturbation took care of that. Here is where things get complicated, and why I would love to hear how other aces/people on the ace end of things handle sexuality in their romantic relationships. Because it isn't that I don't enjoy sex. I do. It's nice, my bf has slightly more experience than me and we click really well so it's good, and I can find sex satisfying whether I climax or not (which I am still trying to explain to my boyfriend.) Btu the thing is, I think I might like the IDEA of sex more than the actual practice of it. Even though I enjoy it, I don't want it as often as he does and frankly if I never had sex again I wouldn't mind. (Has anyone else only really confirmed their asexuality AFTER having had sex?) 

 

I should point out that my bf knows about my sexuality and does his best to understand, but I'm not quite sure how to explain this new realization that I'm not sure I really even want to have sex that often anymore. This might be getting slightly TMI, I'll keep it as vague as possible, but I had a rare moment of extreme horniness one day last week, and spent the whole day thinking about going to see my bf that night and getting it on. Everything about sex seemed so appealing at that moment and I texted him accordingly. (I should point out that I am in my mid twenties, so it's not like I'm some hormonal teenager who is regularly struck by overwhelming horniness). However, by the time I actually saw him that night, just a few hours later, all that had kind of evaporated. And even though the ensueing foreplay and sex was good and I enjoyed it, I kind of realized that how sex feels when I think about it and how it feels when it actually happens are two different things, and that actually doing it is just...I can live without it. 

 

And now I'm not sure what to do. I don't exactly want to just...never have sex again, but I'm not sure how to handle things, how to talk to my boyfriend about it all. He the kind of guy who wants to make sex all about me, make sure I'm enjoying it, make sure I climax, all of that, and that makes it more difficult to get him to understand that while I certainly don't want it to be an unenjoyable experience, I don't always care if I climax, my satisfaction doesn't always really matter to me. Sometimes sex is just not gonna do much for me and I'm generally okay with that.  The other day while attempting to explain some of this, he asked if we'd ever had sex when I didn't want to, and I said no, which wasn't entirely true. We've never had sex when I DIDN'T WANT to, but there have been a few times we've had sex even though I didn't WANT to, if you get the difference.

 

I'm just very confused about what I'm feeling and how to talk to him about it, and how to keep all this from ruining the best relationship I've ever had. Any advice or just...acknowledgment that I'm not the only one who has felt these kind of things would be great. I've never posted here before and it's hard to talk to IRL friends about your sex life if they don't understand how asexuality affects it. Any advice would be nice.

[cheshers]

Heyo! Looks like we're in similar boats. I'm on the asexuality spectrum (leaning towards asexual more than anything else at this point) and my boyfriend (of only three months, but we've been "talking" for a little over a year) is heterosexual and knows that I'm not.

 

I don't think he really gets it, but after our first conversation where I did give him an out because I discovered asexuality after we got together, he said he didn't want an out and was perfectly happy with me. 

 

However, I'm prepared for that to start changing. We watch a lot of game shows together (family feud, baggage, all the good stuff) and they tend to get sexual pretty quickly. He always makes small, harmless comments that I tend to ignore, but it never fails to make the differences in our sexualities apparent and somewhat bothersome. He has never pushed me to do something I don't want to do, and for that I'm thankful, but I have intentions to bring it up one more time to really clear the air. I'm happy with him, but I know for a fact that I don't want him sexually and I don't want to hold him back from potentially finding someone more suitable for him--and vice versa, honestly, because it would be a breath of fresh air to come across another asexual or a demisexual/graysexual/etc.

 

That's my story, anyways. About yours now.

 

It sounds like you've found a great guy, and if you're not opposed to sometimes having sex to meet his needs then I don't see why it can't work. It boils down to having that difficult conversation you're unsure of how to start. I understand all too well how hard it can be to bring up and explain in a way that makes sense, but you've covered the basics, so neither of you are going in blind. It's important in any relationship to make sure your boundaries and wants are thoroughly understood, and I think you'd ultimately regret it if you didn't share what you're feeling. 

 

It would be a shame to see a good relationship end, and while I don't necessarily think that sounds like the result in this case, depending on how opposed you are to frequent sex (and how compromising he is) it could end up being better for both of you to find more suitable partners. Again, it just comes down to what can make both of you happy simulataneously. I'm sure there's a compromise in this situation given the information you ventured, so don't be afraid to be honest with him. Best of luck!