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Questioning my sexuality


Nicky123

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I don't really know how to work this website so hopefully I'm posting this rant in the right place. This is going to be a long drawn out rant even though it probably doesn't need to be but I tend to explode my thoughts out without holding back, but if anyone could please give me advice or relate to me in any way shape or form because I'm kind of clueless and confused. Here I go off on my rant: I never thought I would have to "identify" my sexuality, because I always assumed I was straight. I've only ever had crushes on guys. And by crushes I would look at a guy and admire their good looks and think "I want to date him". I've been asked out before by guys but would decline because I wasn't attracted to them (shallow I know), so this whole time I've assumed I'm just picky and would still be up to dating when the right guy came. It has only occurred to me recently that I don't know if I will ever date, or undergo the type of dating that involves anything romantic or sexual. I've discovered this because recently a very attractive guy (friend) asked me out (face to face). It was so overwhelming and in my head whenever I would see him I would hope he would ask me out. When he finally did it was so overwhelming and I realized that what he was asking for was a relationship and this was for real. I freaked out and immediately said I was asexual without even thinking about it, it was the first thing that came to my head and kinda summarized how I felt at that moment even though I didn't quite know the exact definition of the word. Later I texted him basically explaining how I was not comfortable with anything romantic especially not sexual, but we could still hang out and be friends. He didn't seem to understand and I ended up texting him paragraphs about how I felt about dating. It was in those paragraphs that I faced what I hadn't realized with myself. This whole time when I would notice attractive guys I would admire their beauty without really fantasizing anything romantic/sexual and hope that we would form a friendly bond. I'm kind of mad and confused with myself. I mean in my religion it is expected of myself to get married one day. I mean I'm not someone you'd expect to not "date." I love the idea of love. Everyone who knows me knows I obsess over romcoms/chic flic movies and books. I want to be able to get married and have kids of my own and be able to have a soul mate. But now I'm realizing that I'm not comfortable with the idea of kissing and sex. Now as I re-evaluate my idea of a partner, I think of someone who gives me that firework spark of emotions, like in the books and movies, but not through anything physical, but a bond; not a mere typical friendship, a special friendship. Although this leads me to thoghts of feeling broken. Even though I'm not comfortable with the idea of anything romantic or sexual maybe I should suck it up and try to  develop that sort of relationship. I mean maybe I will end of enjoying it? But it's just hard to imagine me enjoying that. And that's why I feel broken I wish I could just naturally want that sort of thing and I'm upset with myself for not wanting it. I mean my family expects that I should date and end up marrying. When I explained to them about my confusion with myself, they saw it as simply confusion and nothing to worry or contemplate because I'll eventually want that sort of relationship. It's annoying because they just don't understand. Even I don't understand why I'm like this. I also get told that I'm too pretty not to date by my family (which believe me is not true), and my friends ask me if I'm dating anyone yet and they don't understand why I haven't found someone yet. With that outside pressure I feel guilty. Maybe I'm just avoiding relationships because I don't want to commit. Or maybe I just didn't feel attracted enough to the guy that asked me out or maybe I just saw him as a friend and nothing more or maybe I have to develop a emotional bond with the guy. Or maybe I'm just too nervous with the idea of dating. But my stomach gets sick even thinking about me having to kiss or have sex with someone. I'm fascinated by love stories that involve that stuff but when it comes to me doing any of that, I just don't think I could do that. Now as I write all of this it's 5am and I feel nauseous and confused because I'm kind of trying to figure out myself. But I shouldn't have to right? Like I shouldn't have to identify myself with labels, right? I shouldn't be expected to date right away, right? I don't know. I just don't know. . It's late at night I feel terrible and I know what I wrote previously it probably has many grammar mistakes and is hard to decode and I feel some stuff I wrote may have been offensive I don't know. I'm too tired to reread it so this is just a disorganized/word vomit mess of emotions and confusion that I have to get off my chest. Sorry.

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Louise McBear

Hey, welcome to the website!

 

Firstly, i want to make it clear that it's definitely not shallow to say no to people asking you out because you aren't attracted to them. You're under no obligation to agree to go out with anyone unless you are sure you want to, and if you aren't attracted to them now, it is unlikely you will be attracted to them later.

 

I won't bombard you with various names for what you could be feeling, because it doesn't sound like that's what you need right now. Just know that whether you aren't comfortable with the idea of sex and romance now or later in life, that's okay, and we will be here to support you if you need support, regardless of what the reason is for it. In particular, if you want support with balancing your religion with what you are feeling, i would recommend looking at the intersectionality section. Lots of people go through things that may seem similar to your situation and this can really help.

 

Otherwise, if you want to speak personally to someone, feel free to talk to pm me or anyone else on the website.

I hope this has helped!

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SamwiseLovesLife
1 hour ago, Nicky123 said:

I don't really know how to work this website so hopefully I'm posting this rant in the right place. This is going to be a long drawn out rant even though it probably doesn't need to be but I tend to explode my thoughts out without holding back, but if anyone could please give me advice or relate to me in any way shape or form because I'm kind of clueless and confused. Here I go off on my rant: I never thought I would have to "identify" my sexuality, because I always assumed I was straight. I've only ever had crushes on guys. And by crushes I would look at a guy and admire their good looks and think "I want to date him". I've been asked out before by guys but would decline because I wasn't attracted to them (shallow I know), so this whole time I've assumed I'm just picky and would still be up to dating when the right guy came. It has only occurred to me recently that I don't know if I will ever date, or undergo the type of dating that involves anything romantic or sexual. I've discovered this because recently a very attractive guy (friend) asked me out (face to face). It was so overwhelming and in my head whenever I would see him I would hope he would ask me out. When he finally did it was so overwhelming and I realized that what he was asking for was a relationship and this was for real. I freaked out and immediately said I was asexual without even thinking about it, it was the first thing that came to my head and kinda summarized how I felt at that moment even though I didn't quite know the exact definition of the word. Later I texted him basically explaining how I was not comfortable with anything romantic especially not sexual, but we could still hang out and be friends. He didn't seem to understand and I ended up texting him paragraphs about how I felt about dating. It was in those paragraphs that I faced what I hadn't realized with myself. This whole time when I would notice attractive guys I would admire their beauty without really fantasizing anything romantic/sexual and hope that we would form a friendly bond. I'm kind of mad and confused with myself. I mean in my religion it is expected of myself to get married one day. I mean I'm not someone you'd expect to not "date." I love the idea of love. Everyone who knows me knows I obsess over romcoms/chic flic movies and books. I want to be able to get married and have kids of my own and be able to have a soul mate. But now I'm realizing that I'm not comfortable with the idea of kissing and sex. Now as I re-evaluate my idea of a partner, I think of someone who gives me that firework spark of emotions, like in the books and movies, but not through anything physical, but a bond; not a mere typical friendship, a special friendship. Although this leads me to thoghts of feeling broken. Even though I'm not comfortable with the idea of anything romantic or sexual maybe I should suck it up and try to  develop that sort of relationship. I mean maybe I will end of enjoying it? But it's just hard to imagine me enjoying that. And that's why I feel broken I wish I could just naturally want that sort of thing and I'm upset with myself for not wanting it. I mean my family expects that I should date and end up marrying. When I explained to them about my confusion with myself, they saw it as simply confusion and nothing to worry or contemplate because I'll eventually want that sort of relationship. It's annoying because they just don't understand. Even I don't understand why I'm like this. I also get told that I'm too pretty not to date by my family (which believe me is not true), and my friends ask me if I'm dating anyone yet and they don't understand why I haven't found someone yet. With that outside pressure I feel guilty. Maybe I'm just avoiding relationships because I don't want to commit. Or maybe I just didn't feel attracted enough to the guy that asked me out or maybe I just saw him as a friend and nothing more or maybe I have to develop a emotional bond with the guy. Or maybe I'm just too nervous with the idea of dating. But my stomach gets sick even thinking about me having to kiss or have sex with someone. I'm fascinated by love stories that involve that stuff but when it comes to me doing any of that, I just don't think I could do that. Now as I write all of this it's 5am and I feel nauseous and confused because I'm kind of trying to figure out myself. But I shouldn't have to right? Like I shouldn't have to identify myself with labels, right? I shouldn't be expected to date right away, right? I don't know. I just don't know. . It's late at night I feel terrible and I know what I wrote previously it probably has many grammar mistakes and is hard to decode and I feel some stuff I wrote may have been offensive I don't know. I'm too tired to reread it so this is just a disorganized/word vomit mess of emotions and confusion that I have to get off my chest. Sorry.

This sounds very much like my experience! I never really identified as a child/teenager. I would look around at guys/girls and basically pick who I found aestetically attractive and decide that must be a crush. I would often mix around what I thought my 'type' was, as I never seemed to be able to figure out what exactly was sexual attraction. After having sex (after several sexual experiences) I discovered I found it uncomfortable, boring and sometimes repulsive-I even threw up afterwards. 5 months later I came out as gay as I figured this must be why sex with men was so awful. I dentified with this as I find women more aestetically appealing and sometimes want to date them; but after 2 years with no sexual inclination towards any woman (and anxiety spikes when anyone suggested they find me a date) I have come to realise I really don't WANT to be with a woman, not if that involves sex.
It sounds like you experience platonic attraction (aka squishes) as I do, and want to form strong bonds of friendship with specific people. That's entirely normal. I like the idea of love but have never experienced romantic love, I still hold on to the fact that I may one day. I wouldn't worry about that. If you want to try relationships or even sex then that is completely up to you, no one should judge you for it. I always felt like i was 'broken' or there was something wrong with me. This truly isn't the case. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are perfectly valid and there are thousands of people (us) who feel the same way, don't ever feel inadequate because your sexual orientation isn't what most people experience <3
You don't have to pick labels but if it helps you explain to people then Asexual is a good one to start. There are videos made by Ace youtubers which explain Asexuality and you can show these to your family/friends. Most of all don't let it stress you, It's okay- I'm okay, you're okay and the whole spectrum of sexual/romantic orientation is okay. Don't let ignorant people make you feel invalid. We love you, breathe, and good luck xxx

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Hi, and welcome from another newbie.  Know that you're not alone in your confusion and frustration.  I've gone days thinking in circles about my own situation, to the point where I bruised my jaw from clenching it so much.  I also love the idea of love and finding that soul mate, but the pursuit of it is tough enough without having to worry about sex.  I really like this one guy I just started seeing, and I told him I was pretty sure I was asexual, and while the conversation made me feel better, I'm still questioning myself.  What if he gives up on me?  What if it turns out I'm wrong about myself, and I chased him away for nothing?  For me, I do want a relationship, but when I'm with a guy I like, the extent I ever feel is to be close in a cuddly way (I'm not a fan of kissing either).  Maybe it will change one day as I get to know him, or maybe it won't.  As I explained to him, only time will tell, but you can't force yourself to do things that make you miserable.  I tell myself if its for the right guy, I may just be okay with it, but for now it's just one step at a time.  So take a deep breath.  To quote one of my favorite musicals, "someone is on your side; no one is alone."

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing your story with us! You've come to the right place to explore and question and learn a lot about yourself. : ) You'll find a lot of people that can relate to you here. I know I can! I thought if I found someone cute that it was the same as having a crush (romantic attraction) or feeling sexual attraction, but nope. There's all kinds of forms of attraction, and they're all separate from one another. Also, enjoying the idea of love/romance or liking those themes in books/movies etc. doesn't determine your orientation. (I'm guilty of enjoying romance in books...but the second I put myself in that situation? No thank you!! Lol.)

 

Take your time exploring the site. You're not alone, nor are you weird or broken! I'm sure you'll find something that resonates with you. Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy being a member!

 

Image result for chocolate cake

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Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! Getting your thoughts and feelings  out like that can be really helpful. It's good you found this site and had a chance to write some of that down! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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TinaBlackwood

Hey, I believe that you may be  not yet mature in that sense. I don't mean physically but emotionally. Another option is that you are purely mono hammed  and you still have to find the right person with whom you will be ready to open your sexuality.
Jess
ResearchPaperOnline expert

 

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On 3/27/2017 at 6:11 AM, Louise McBear said:

Hey, welcome to the website!

 

Firstly, i want to make it clear that it's definitely not shallow to say no to people asking you out because you aren't attracted to them. You're under no obligation to agree to go out with anyone unless you are sure you want to, and if you aren't attracted to them now, it is unlikely you will be attracted to them later.

 

I won't bombard you with various names for what you could be feeling, because it doesn't sound like that's what you need right now. Just know that whether you aren't comfortable with the idea of sex and romance now or later in life, that's okay, and we will be here to support you if you need support, regardless of what the reason is for it. In particular, if you want support with balancing your religion with what you are feeling, i would recommend looking at the intersectionality section. Lots of people go through things that may seem similar to your situation and this can really help.

 

Otherwise, if you want to speak personally to someone, feel free to talk to pm me or anyone else on the website.

I hope this has helped!

Thank you for your response! And thanks for mentioning to check out the intersectionality section, I've read responses on there that have helped. It's so reassuring to receive messages like yours :)

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On 3/27/2017 at 6:32 AM, AmberLovesLife said:

This sounds very much like my experience! I never really identified as a child/teenager. I would look around at guys/girls and basically pick who I found aestetically attractive and decide that must be a crush. I would often mix around what I thought my 'type' was, as I never seemed to be able to figure out what exactly was sexual attraction. After having sex (after several sexual experiences) I discovered I found it uncomfortable, boring and sometimes repulsive-I even threw up afterwards. 5 months later I came out as gay as I figured this must be why sex with men was so awful. I dentified with this as I find women more aestetically appealing and sometimes want to date them; but after 2 years with no sexual inclination towards any woman (and anxiety spikes when anyone suggested they find me a date) I have come to realise I really don't WANT to be with a woman, not if that involves sex.
It sounds like you experience platonic attraction (aka squishes) as I do, and want to form strong bonds of friendship with specific people. That's entirely normal. I like the idea of love but have never experienced romantic love, I still hold on to the fact that I may one day. I wouldn't worry about that. If you want to try relationships or even sex then that is completely up to you, no one should judge you for it. I always felt like i was 'broken' or there was something wrong with me. This truly isn't the case. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are perfectly valid and there are thousands of people (us) who feel the same way, don't ever feel inadequate because your sexual orientation isn't what most people experience <3
You don't have to pick labels but if it helps you explain to people then Asexual is a good one to start. There are videos made by Ace youtubers which explain Asexuality and you can show these to your family/friends. Most of all don't let it stress you, It's okay- I'm okay, you're okay and the whole spectrum of sexual/romantic orientation is okay. Don't let ignorant people make you feel invalid. We love you, breathe, and good luck xxx

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for sharing your experience and giving advice. It's so nice to know that people can relate to me! I took your advice and discovered a yotuber named simly_kenna who is asexual and it was awesome to find her helpful videos about it. And thanks for telling me I shouldn't let others make me feel invalid because I have been letting that get to me. :) <3

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On 3/27/2017 at 11:41 PM, Lady Girl said:

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! Getting your thoughts and feelings  out like that can be really helpful. It's good you found this site and had a chance to write some of that down! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

 

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On 3/27/2017 at 11:06 PM, kelico said:

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing your story with us! You've come to the right place to explore and question and learn a lot about yourself. : ) You'll find a lot of people that can relate to you here. I know I can! I thought if I found someone cute that it was the same as having a crush (romantic attraction) or feeling sexual attraction, but nope. There's all kinds of forms of attraction, and they're all separate from one another. Also, enjoying the idea of love/romance or liking those themes in books/movies etc. doesn't determine your orientation. (I'm guilty of enjoying romance in books...but the second I put myself in that situation? No thank you!! Lol.)

 

Take your time exploring the site. You're not alone, nor are you weird or broken! I'm sure you'll find something that resonates with you. Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy being a member!

 

Image result for chocolate cake

Thank you for taking the time to read my response and welcome me, I appreciate so much! <3

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On 3/27/2017 at 11:41 PM, Lady Girl said:

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! Getting your thoughts and feelings  out like that can be really helpful. It's good you found this site and had a chance to write some of that down! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

Thank you for the helpful information! <3

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On 3/27/2017 at 3:18 PM, TessaMe said:

Hi, and welcome from another newbie.  Know that you're not alone in your confusion and frustration.  I've gone days thinking in circles about my own situation, to the point where I bruised my jaw from clenching it so much.  I also love the idea of love and finding that soul mate, but the pursuit of it is tough enough without having to worry about sex.  I really like this one guy I just started seeing, and I told him I was pretty sure I was asexual, and while the conversation made me feel better, I'm still questioning myself.  What if he gives up on me?  What if it turns out I'm wrong about myself, and I chased him away for nothing?  For me, I do want a relationship, but when I'm with a guy I like, the extent I ever feel is to be close in a cuddly way (I'm not a fan of kissing either).  Maybe it will change one day as I get to know him, or maybe it won't.  As I explained to him, only time will tell, but you can't force yourself to do things that make you miserable.  I tell myself if its for the right guy, I may just be okay with it, but for now it's just one step at a time.  So take a deep breath.  To quote one of my favorite musicals, "someone is on your side; no one is alone."

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my response :) I should take it one step at a time. I listened to the that song and I love the message! Anna Kendrick is amazing! Btw I hope the guy you currently admire, doesn't "give up" on you. If he does, he was not worth it. The guy I talked about in my response now ignores me and it hurts because I really liked him, but because I rejected him and he doesn't understand the whole asexual thing, he chooses to ignore me. I have thought the same about, what if I were to change my mind about my sexuality? Even though I chased the guy I previously liked away, and If I later change my mind about my sexuality, I don't think it was for nothing. I wasn't going to force myself to commit to a romantic/sexual relationship and he couldn't respect that. I've actually realized through your message and the messages of others that I shouldn't have to force myself to do anything with anyone. I even still get mad at myself, despite knowing I shouldn't and knowing the way I feel is not something I can quickly change. I hope whoever you end up with is able to respect your boundaries and understand you, as I hope people do for me. 

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