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Just found out best friend/roommate is asexual. Looking for ally tips, advice, support.


ace_friend_ally

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ace_friend_ally

First, I began to believe she might be asexual several years ago but never had cause to actually ask her until tonight. I am pretty sure once she realized the conversation had the potential to go in that direction she steered it there to get me to ask her. Basically the conversation started this evening after arriving home from lunch with a couple friends (man and woman). Woman has been trying to set her up with man for a while. She asked me if I could see her dating the man. I asked if she was attracted to him. She said no. I said "well, there you go then. Why date somebody if you aren't attracted?". She responds with "Well, I've never been attracted to any of the guys I've dated." So I asked a few more questions.

 

"Have you ever felt sexual attraction of any kind?" Nope.

 

"How do you feel when a man is sexually attracted to you?" 

 

"You mean when they look at me with the big dumb puppy dog eyes?" (Dilated pupils, sign of sexual attraction or arousal)

 

"Yeah (lol)."

 

"Annoyed."

 

"So, no butterflies in your stomach?"

 

"No."

 

"Even if you're dating the person or being romantic with them?"

 

"No butterflies. Just annoyed because I know I am going to have to explain to them that I am not interested in having sex." 

 

"Have you considered that you might be asexual?"

 

"Yes but I've never talked to anybody about it, and I don't really know what the difference is between me and other people."

 

Later in the conversation she told me one of her previous partners had told her he thought she just needed to masturbate because her sexual nature was being repressed and if she did that and had sex she would definitely come around. I asked her if she'd ever masturbated; she said no. She never even had the urge to try it. So at this point. Zero sexual attraction, and zero sex drive confirmed. I said as much and she agreed. I said "Well I'm not a big fan of labels and I know you aren't either but if you're looking for a descriptive term for that asexual seems to fit. She agreed.

 

This woman is a brilliant, strong, self-assured person. She loves people, she's compassionate, and she forms deep, beautiful friendships with all kinds of different people. She likes who she is and in our conversation only indicated slight nervousness about what anybody might think. I reassured her that regardless of anybody's perceptions, there is nothing wrong with her. She is not broken (she had said at some point in the past she had wondered if whatever makes people want sex was broken in her). I assured her that this is just who she is. It's her life, her experience. There is nothing wrong and she's not missing anything. I affirmed what she already knows which is that she can have open, loving, enriching, and romantic relationships that provide every good thing people experience in life without having to involve sex.

 

While she has no sexual attraction and her lack of sex drive means she sees masturbation as completely pointless, she is also not repulsed by the idea of having sex (which for a while made her think maybe she wasn't asexual) but I explained that asexuals have a broad range of feelings about sex and those feelings differ from person to person. We talked about the future variety of responses she may experience if/when she chooses to tell romantic partners about her orientation (not that she is obligated but she values open and honest communication in all her relationships more than anything) but that negative responses are about the person responding, not about her. I assured her that those of us who love her understand and accept her for who she is and that anybody who pressures her in any way to be somebody she's not, isn't worth her time. I ended by telling her everything I love about her.  

 

She affirmed at the end of the conversation that her asexuality is just part of who she has always been and she is comfortable in her own skin. It's the only way she knows how to be and she is happy to finally be able to better understand and articulate her experiences (she processes everything verbally so she has a hard time thinking about something without talking to somebody about it).

 

Anyway this was a bit longer than I intended but yeah, that happened tonight. I feel like the conversation was really good and she is in a great place. But I am hoping to draw on your experiences so I can be there for her as an ally as well as a very close friend. Do you have any warnings? Advice for me to help navigate some of the challenges she might face? She has done pretty well up to now to be honest. But she has also had some traumatic experiences in the past with previous partners that she is just now beginning to fully understand. When she starts exploring her ace identity more she will want to talk about it with me at length (I'm the person she talks to about everything). I thought it might be helpful to be able to draw on some experiences of people who have lived for some time in full awareness of their asexuality. I know for a fact she hasn't written off the possibility of marriage and I would like to be able to help her understand how a relationship between an asexual and sexual works. What are the challenges? How do you navigate them? What are the most wonderful and beautiful parts of your relationships? What sorts of red flags should she look out for when pursuing a romantic relationship (if any) that are unique to or more prevalent in ace experiences? Do you see any issues in the way I handled the conversation we had tonight? Could I have done anything better? Are there any issues with my post in general? Finally, if the way I said anything in this post was hurtful or offensive to anybody, please know it comes from ignorance and not from malice.

 

 

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Reading this I thought: what a great best friend you are. Cake :cake: for that.

 

I'd say all you have to do is follow your heart, be nice and honest and support her. (just like you did so far)

When someone else says something like "I mean, we all want to have sex", argue against them if she doesn't dare to.

I came out to my friends - they haven't mentioned it ever since. It makes me feel like they're not as fine as they pretend to be - or they don't understand. I dunno.

 

As for an asexual/sexual relationship - I have no experience there.

 

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It looks to me like you've got the whole ally thing down pat. You seem to be a great ally and an even better friend. :cake:

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ace_friend_ally
4 minutes ago, Charlie Q. said:

Reading this I thought: what a great best friend you are. Cake :cake: for that.

 

I'd say all you have to do is follow your heart, be nice and honest and support her. (just like you did so far)

When someone else says something like "I mean, we all want to have sex", argue against them if she doesn't dare to.

I came out to my friends - they haven't mentioned it ever since. It makes me feel like they're not as fine as they pretend to be - or they don't understand. I dunno.

 

As for an asexual/sexual relationship - I have no experience there.

 

Thank you for those affirmations, and the cake. She apparently mentioned to a couple friends that she suspected she was asexual and they never acknowledged she even said it really and I think that hurt her a little and made her shy about it for a while. 

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NerotheReaper

Sounds like you're on the right path, and doing everything right! :) 

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Nea Rose Symphony

You did great! Better than even what I'd expect a good ally would do. Just keep that up if it's ever needed, stand by her if somebody ridicules her for that.

 

Since you're an allo from the sound of it, maybe describe the allo experience in terms of dating so she has an idea of what it's like from the other's perspective? And if her future partner gets urges and she's not willing to help the partner, stress the fact that she should always feel safe and comfortable to say no. If you sense the guy (or girl) she is or wants to date seems.... off.... for any reason do bring up your concerns

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ace_friend_ally
4 minutes ago, Cetasoul said:

You did great! Better than even what I'd expect a good ally would do. Just keep that up if it's ever needed, stand by her if somebody ridicules her for that.

 

Since you're an allo from the sound of it, maybe describe the allo experience in terms of dating so she has an idea of what it's like from the other's perspective? And if her future partner gets urges and she's not willing to help the partner, stress the fact that she should always feel safe and comfortable to say no. If you sense the guy (or girl) she is or wants to date seems.... off.... for any reason do bring up your concerns

Thanks. Yes once she realized the significant difference in her experience she interrogated me quite a bit and seemed amazed at how much she didn't know that she didn't know. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

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You are so fantastic for being there for her, talking things through, and coming here to ask for further advice on how to best support her!! Wouldn't change a thing you did.

 

Did you show her AVEN too? She may be interested, and find it helpful to have a community of aces to talk to! There are also many Youtube videos by aces talking about their own experiences with asexuality, as well as documentaries. 

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ace_friend_ally
15 minutes ago, SummerBee said:

You are so fantastic for being there for her, talking things through, and coming here to ask for further advice on how to best support her!! Wouldn't change a thing you did.

 

Did you show her AVEN too? She may be interested, and find it helpful to have a community of aces to talk to! There are also many Youtube videos by aces talking about their own experiences with asexuality, as well as documentaries. 

Good thoughts. Yeah, I'll tell her about the forum but I doubt she'll come here much. That's why I registered here. I spend a lot of time online and enjoy researching things and she is pretty strapped for time and doesn't do much online. Thankfully we also have a friend who has a Grad degree in Human Sexuality and she is planning on talking to her at some point.

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While it's possible she may just not feel butterflies in her stomach when she has crushes, if she's implying what I think with that then she's not just asexual, but aromantic too. Shorthand for being both is aro ace. Asexuality strictly refers to not desiring sex; not getting crushes is a separate matter (most asexuals are romantic).

 

Her past partner was slightly right though; some people never masturbate, finally do, and then become normal sexual people. So things may just not be "linked up" yet. Her not having the urge to is most likely because she's never had it; as many who've never done so end up with normal libidos once they've done it. Also, not having the urge to do so can legitimately be caused by low hormones, which can cause other health issues. And if she can't fap then it could be caused by a life threatening health problem (i.e. tumor). Tough low hormones can also effect arousal levels, so if it's fixed then masturbation could function for her.

 

Advice:

It also takes females some time to figure out what works for them down there; unlike most men, so tell her to not stress out if it doesn't happen the first few times. Women also have more sensitive  arousal turn-off's so she way need to do it in a comfortable and secure place (e.g. no fear of anyone walking in, not hot/cold, etc.). Most women also need clitoris stimulation and rarely orgasm from vaginal sex, so masturbation doesn't have to be invasive (which sounds like what she may fear).

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flesh-pocket

encourage her to date other asexuals only if possible. asexual communities off aven tend to be of the mind that love conquers all and any sexual who wouldnt want to be in a sexless relationship with an asexual is shallow or heartless. 

 

this is not the case. sharing sexuality within a romantic relationship is a need for many (most?) people. if she comes out to a potential partner and they are not interested in continuing the relationship, they are completely within their rights to end it right there. everyone should have the power to end a relationship they dont want to be in at any time, for any reason. 

 

its also fairly common on here for sexuals to have this line of 'love conquers all' thinking too, only to find out a few months/years down the road sex means more to them than they thought. same thing with asexuals thinking they can sexually compromise long term. 

 

td;lr dont encourage her to start mixed relationships. maybe help her find other asexuals?

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ace_friend_ally
7 hours ago, Star Bit said:

While it's possible she may just not feel butterflies in her stomach when she has crushes, if she's implying what I think with that then she's not just asexual, but aromantic too. Shorthand for being both is aro ace. Asexuality strictly refers to not desiring sex; not getting crushes is a separate matter (most asexuals are romantic).

It's not that she never gets butterflies. Just that she doesn't get them when somebody looks at her with sexual desire.

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Nea Rose Symphony
13 hours ago, ace_friend_ally said:

Thanks. Yes once she realized the significant difference in her experience she interrogated me quite a bit and seemed amazed at how much she didn't know that she didn't know. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

Mmhm. Being an indifferent/favorable ace makes it even more difficult to discover one is ace because...well...sex in theory isn't off-putting so the ace isn't asexual right? Took me up to age 19-21 to figure out that's not how it works so it may be a long path to take for some. Good she has you there for her on her path to self acceptance

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Oh. Ok.

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Overall I think you did pretty well. Depending on your age there might be an opportunity to meet other aces on campus or there are general all-age ace groups outside of schools. It's hard to meet a new group by yourself so you can offer to go with the first time. I just sucked it up, but I know that stops a lot of people. 

 

 

I'm going to tell a story about how awful it can get with friends. I was sort of the third wheel for a long time with two other people. One was very sexual, I'll call her T. The other was not, I'll call her H. 

 

In spite of knowing about the possibility of asexuality because of another mutual friend, T insisted that maybe there was some sort of switch. If H just had sex maybe she would want it. Except she wasn't willing. So I would hear these rapey scenarios about getting H drunk because it just wasn't possible that H wasn't into it. H made dirty jokes and she'd had boyfriends before. T knew H better than she knew herself. 

 

I'd sit with them individually and say "That sounds rapey. I don't like that." or "If you don't want sex than you don't want it. That's OK."

 

Sadly they are both so codependent on each other that when I lost T as a friend I also lost H. I think about her sometimes and I hope she finds her way to the ace community. 

 

I knew them for about 12 years before things went sour for good between me and T.

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