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Facing a future I never imagined


OK Now What

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OK Now What

Hello! First time poster, longtime lurker.

 

Well, it's apparent that my marriage of 23 years isn't going to last. My husband is very sexual, with a lot of kinks, whereas I am GrayA, and haven't had any sexual desire in years. For a long time we got by with infrequent vanilla sex, but as time marched on he became more dissatisfied. I wanted him to be happy, so I convinced him to try a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" style open marriage. We've been trying to make that work for a few years, but he is incapable of discretion or dividing his time charitably between me and his lovers. He now admits that he wants to live a full Poly lifestyle, with everybody knowing and being friendly with everybody else, whereas I have zero interest in meeting his lovers, much less participating in a Poly relationship.

 

For the past few months he has been seeing a woman who seems to make him very happy, and I'm glad. But he screwed up on social media and got tagged in some photos having fun on a day trip with her. One of my main rules has always been that he not visibly engage with lovers on those platforms--to keep our families from asking uncomfortable questions, and to honor my request to stay in the dark about his dating life. But now I know he is spending most of his free time with someone younger, thinner, prettier, who makes more money, and loves sex. Meanwhile, I am home alone most nights.

 

I've had a lot of time to think, and I've come to the painful conclusion that although we love each other and have a long history together, he doesn't want to spend time with me any more. It hurts me deeply, because I don't think sex should be a deal breaker, but to him sex is like breathing. He HAS to have it, and a LOT of it, in almost every way, with both women and men. He freely admits that the years of being sex-starved has made him very resentful toward me, to the point that he just chooses to be away from home instead of taking care of the mundane details of our life together.

 

Now, at the age of 41, I am staring down a long, hard road to independence. I'm an artist, and though I'm educated, making a steady living in my field isn't guaranteed. He has almost always made more money than me, especially in recent years. But he is tired of me nagging him to be more responsible about his spending, so I have made the decision to separate our finances and live as roommates until I'm able to save up enough money to move out. I'm grateful he's allowing me time to get my affairs in order, but I'm scared. I am going to be desperately poor for a while. I've been with this man since I was 18. I don't want to leave, and he says he wants me to stay, but I don't really see any other way for us be happy.

 

I know a lot of you on here have been through similar things, so if anybody has words of advice or encouragement I'd appreciate it. I know I can do this, but right now things are really raw. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard when the love of your life is busy having a ball with everybody but you, and your sexuality means you might never find a partner again.

 

 

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I'm super sorry to hear your story - I definitely think you are making the right move though.

I personally wouldn't even have been able to go through with a don't ask don't tell phase.

 

As for money though: Particularly based on the length of your marriage, you should be able to get enough alimony to make a decent living. Have you looked into your state's divorce law in that regard?

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OK Now What

Thanks. It hasn't been easy, but we tried. Alimony is hard to get in Texas, but regardless I need to learn to get by on my own. 

 

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chair jockey

That's a very articulate introductory post. You sound every year of 41. I say that at 51 so only a decade ahead of you.

 

The story you tell is entirely your own, of course, but features of that story have appeared on AVEN before. Mixed relationships (asexual with sexual) have always been challenging. That you toughed it out for 23 years of adulthood shows a high level of commitment. That should serve you well in future endeavours, because at your age (and mine) trust, security, stability and loyalty is what counts. Don't write off finding another life partner in the future, even if that isn't your priority right now.

 

Is there some way to come up with a voluntary arrangement where your husband voluntarily offers you some financial assistance just until you completely get on your feet? It can be a modest lump sum, some kind of informal income support, even sale of the home and a reasonable split of the proceeds. Just anything so you're not plummetting from pooling assets and splitting expenses to being, as you put it, very poor all of a sudden.

 

Beyond that I don't have anything useful to offer about your situation. I never married or had kids and have been having huge personal problems most of my life that would have made a partner out of the question even if I had been suitable for one. Right now my life consists of health care and the waiting time between health care things. That's a radically different perspective from yours.

 

AVEN is not only an asexuality resource but a general forum. It's huge and offers a lot to someone who wants to discuss almost anything with other people in a moderated environment or even just pass the time playing forum games. I spend most of my time in the Just For Fun/Chatterbox and AVEN Arcade parts of the forum and also in the live chat, which is also moderated. But there are other parts of the forum other people go, such as the ones that focus on gender as distinct from sexual orientation, one for group meetups of aces who live geographically near each other, ones for giood news and sad news and science discussion, etc etc etc. Welcome to AVEN and enjoy your time here.

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nanogretchen4

I think you should do what a lot of artists have done and get a day job. Possibly go with something undemanding where you don't take work home or get overtime. Also, it could be best if the day job is really different from your art, like something physical or involving a lot of customer contact for a novelist, or a desk job for a dancer. If the day job is boring and unglamorous, remind yourself that it's just the day job. In real life, you're an artist. Make enough money that you're not desperately poor, and try to think of it as "simplifying your life".

 

As for being home alone most nights, don't do that unless you are an introvert and need to recharge or you need to stay home to make your art. If the solitude is not pleasant and productive for you, get out and start some new social activities. Volunteer, take up a social hobby, take classes, maybe get involved with a spiritual community or a political action group. Make friends. You might not find a compatible life partner immediately, but in the meantime you aren't going to sit around waiting. When the right person arrives, they will find you living a full and happy life that they want to be a part of.

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Icebearpanda

I'm not asexual, so I can't speak to the asexual/sexual aspect of the situation. However, as someone who just downloaded and printed out divorce forms last week, and has been separated for almost a year after not even two years of marriage and 11 years of being together, oh boy do I remember the first few months after it all fell apart. Also, I used to identify as poly, and a poly lifestyle that seems workable always includes respect for *all* partners and a consideration for *all* partners- something that it doesn't sound like you're getting. You're joining a club that no one ever thinks they're going to be part of and it can feel lonely, but you're really not alone. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but you'll be ok. No, really. You will be ok. It might not seem that way for awhile, but it will get better. My hard-won advice:

Legal- Talk to a lawyer. A very, very quick perusal of sources shows that legal separations in TX are not really recognized. That kind of sucks because unlike in my state where you can file a separation agreement with the court, you don't get that option. A lawyer will know what it is you need to do, what forms you'll need and what things you'll need to think about. You need to see what you are owed and what your rights are.You need to be your first priority and covering yourself and making yourself safe is important. If you need help finding legal resources, please let me know. I'm a librarian in my day job and I can try to help. 

Emotional- If you are not opposed to therapy, find a therapist/licensed social worker. Talking to someone else can be a big help. Journaling is also a good thing. Life is going to seem chaotic and topsy-turvey for awhile. Gather your friends- you're going to need them.I called my group my SanitySquad. They were composed to people whom I could call when I didn't want to be alone, who I could ask to distract me with cartoons and board games and listening and more cartoons and food when I needed it. I would literally text two friends to go over and take their dog for a walk- the dog is also a SanitySquad member. Some days walking that dog is what kept me from completely losing it. Some of your friends may not know what to say or think- feel free to tell them what you need: "It would be really helpful if we watched a movie/if you listened to me/if we talked about other things". You can ask for what you need. If you don't have a many friends, or don't feel like you can rely on many people, make sure to use the boards. I'm finding people on here to be very kind in general. Be extra sure to be kind to yourself. Make self-care a priority, in whatever ways work for you. It's natural for people when a breakup occurs to think that they're never going to find anyone else. Your may feel you have an extra challenge in your sexuality, but you don't have a crystal ball and you don't know what the future is going to bring,You're starting a journey that can seem really scary. It's hard to have your world turned inside out.  I don't have everything figured out or perfect by any means, but I can tell you that it does get better and you are stronger than you think. Good luck. 

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OK Now What

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I'm taking things one day at a time, and that seems to help. :)

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SamwiseLovesLife

I am so sorry you are going through all of this, it's alot at once. I know it seems scary now but honestly, Independance is fine- even nice. I am not an introvert, quite the opposite. I adore social interaction and spend alot of my time with friends. I haven't been in a relationship since I was 16 and I can honestly say I am far happier to be without one. Yes it can sometimes be lonely but it's a good chance to find other people, friends and more who you can spend time with x Good luck

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