Please help!

[NightWatchFreak]

I'm only fourteen and I realized I'm Agender. I've stopped shaving because I don't feel I have to, and it makes me feel better when I stop doing it. I went to the gym with my mom today, but she called me out about me legs in the change room because they were hairy, saying things like 'it's not healthy to do that', 'people will judge you and make fun of you because of it', and 'you just want to be different and be a f*g, don't you?'. It made me feel really bad because I really don't want to shave my legs but I'm really afraid of telling her I'm Agender because she doesn't support the lgbt+ community and thinks gays are horrible and that whatever gender you were assigned at birth is your gender and you can't change it. I really feel it's not and wouldn't be safe to come out to her until I am atleast a bit older (like 17 maybe). Can someone please suggest something I can tell her?

[Starfall]

      Sorry your Mom isn't supportive. It's hard enough being LGBT+ without having a family member who can't accept you. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. The people who can't accept that are the ones with the problem.

 

      I know exactly how you feel, I hate shaving too. In fact, I think everyone who does it, hates it. The trouble is that it's deeply ingrained into western culture that women have to be hairless. Blame all those razor commercials. The fact is, it's actually more healthy not to shave. Shaving can irritate your skin and could result in cuts that might get infected. Not to mention you save lots of money by not bothering. There's a reason we have hair on our bodies. It helps protect our skin. If it wasn't natural and healthy, we wouldn't have it to begin with. I don't know if pointing any of this out to your mother would help, but it might be worth a try. You know her better than I do.

[Xenobot]

With a parent like this, I don't know that you could actually reason with her. Attempts at reasoning with her might cause accusations of backtalking or something. It's perfectly normal and healthy to grow hair on our bodies. There are plenty of straight women who choose to shave their legs very rarely or never at all. It also doesn't have to do anything with feminism necessarily, if she's concerned about that. It can be cultural, or that some women prefer to love and accept their bodies as they naturally are. (I realize that you don't identify as a woman, but as far as your narrow minded mom is concerned, she isn't likely to accept you as anything other than her daughter).

 

Obviously, I would not tell her that you are agender, as I think it would be unsafe for you and might cause more abusive behavior. And yes, that last quote you shared would definitely fall under emotional abuse. No parent should call their child a f*g or imply that they want to be one. That's way out of line. I would highly recommend that you don't tell her until you are able to live on your own. I know it's terrible to live like that, but when I was a teenager, a friend of mine who was only a couple years older than you came out to her parents as a lesbian. Her father tried to punch her, and ended up putting a hole in the wall because she ducked and ran, then her parents kicked her out of the house. Luckily her girlfriend's mom took her in, but my point is, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. Lie as much as you need to in order to stay safe. Some parents really don't deserve to have kids.

[PHOENIX97]

First off I am sorry that your mom isn't supportive and has that point of view. I have too many friends that go through this so if I say something offensive then I'm sorry in advance. But the body that you have is yours and yours alone. Whatever you decide to do with it is your choice. You shouldn't feel bad for small things like that if you don't want to shave then don't. As for your mother she shouldn't make you feel bad like that because of Western ideals of feminine beauty. She should make sure that you embrace yourself in every way. And idk with how negative your mother sounds about this topic. I would wait till you have this conversation with her. Unfortunately even though she should be accepting if you do. Most people only hear their beliefs but you should never feel bad or change because of them. 

[ReyGraves]

I'm not sure if this'll help or not...

-Completely fine not to shave your legs (I haven't in months) it's not unhealthy in any way (although I might shave for summer but that's an individual decision. I do it for personal reasons not for society 'cause sometimes I'm to lazy and don't give a flying flaperdoodle*.)

-Do you live in a part of Canada that's cold most of the time? Then you're legs are covered by long pants (I'm assuming) and also, pretty much no one will comment on your hairy legs (I have friends who don't and they never get negative comments) People who do make fun of hairy legs on females are idiots who shouldn't care about another person's body hair.

-And how the flapjack* does hairy legs=gay? 

Okay just wanted to respond to what you said she said.

I support you with not telling her if you feel you might be in some type of danger, wait until you're older/have someone to help you if things went south. If she doesn't believe there's a difference between a person's sex and gender perhaps just say that you're a tomboy. People don't connect it to the lgbtq+ community and will allow you to do "boy things". (Like not shaving your legs. This freedom will allow you to be able to express your agender...ness better.)

 

*Totally intentional. I don't cuss and thus have found work arounds. 

 

I'm willing to be here for you if you want/need the support. I'm happy to try to help further if you need. (Or just want to chat.)

I wish you luck

[kriddle]

One thing that you could try (to at least lessen the comments about it) is wearing long pants (or skirts/dresses if those feel more comfortable).  My mom always used to say that if I wasn't going to shave my legs, then I needed to cover them.  I think she was trying to make me shave them without telling me that I had to.  I ended up wearing jeans everyday for years and when I went to college I wore shorts again without shaving my legs.  While this may not be the best solution or even something that would be accepted by your mom it may be a compromise that she would be willing to make.

[swirl_of_blue]

So sorry to hear about the horrible way your mom is acting! I have had some conflict with my mother over me not shaving my legs as well, and mostly can just tell her it's none of her business. She sees conforming with one's birth sex as a sign of maturity and I think she sees me as childish for not "taking care of my appearance" and every spring she tells me "now you have to shave or you won't be able to wear shorts in the summer". I never shave, happily wear shorts and actually turn my hairy legs into jokes with my friends. At your age, however, and with a mother that frankly sounds verbally abusive I'm not sure of how safe standing up for yourself might be. One solution would be to just avoid having her see your legs. The perfect thing would be if she could at least try to broaden her view of the world and different identities and orientations (my mother started to accept trans folks when my cousin started transitioning and cut of all contact with his mother, my mother's sister, who was being abusive and telling him he was sick) , but if your mom is very set in her beliefs it might not be possible for you to influence her, especially at your age. The most important thing for you is to stay safe, but try to find people with whom you can express yourswlf more freely.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 27/03/2017 at 2:44 AM, NightWatchFreak said:

I'm only fourteen and I realized I'm Agender. I've stopped shaving because I don't feel I have to, and it makes me feel better when I stop doing it. I went to the gym with my mom today, but she called me out about me legs in the change room because they were hairy, saying things like 'it's not healthy to do that', 'people will judge you and make fun of you because of it', and 'you just want to be different and be a f*g, don't you?'. It made me feel really bad because I really don't want to shave my legs but I'm really afraid of telling her I'm Agender because she doesn't support the lgbt+ community and thinks gays are horrible and that whatever gender you were assigned at birth is your gender and you can't change it. I really feel it's not and wouldn't be safe to come out to her until I am atleast a bit older (like 17 maybe). Can someone please suggest something I can tell her?

I'm sorry your mother feels this way. It's unfortunate that some people in our society still have these opinions but all we can do is accept them and try to show them a better way.

You should do with your own body what feels right for you, the idea that not shaving could be unhealthy is frankly ridiculous. Why does she think people grow body hair?

Don't let those around you suppress your natural self. We love you <3