Confusion...

[Bobcatpretzel]

Hi all,

my first post here. I'm really not sure where to start even. 

 

I am leaving my husband this week after a long relationship. Before I had my baby (2 years ago) we had a very active sex life - most would call it adventurous even. I loved sex and was very affectionate. 

 

After my baby was born I suffered with terrible POstnatal depression for nearly 18 months. I'm off medication now and much happier. I thought my lack of sexual feelings were down to medication/sleep deprivation/hang ups about my body following childbirth. It was also incredibly painful to have sex - I saw a doctor and found nothing wrong. we've had sex 4 times in the last 2 years and I have hated it every time (even crying during sex). Now even kissing and hugging I find awkward. I thought I would feel better off the antidepressants, but it's just compounded it further. I even feel sick thinking about me having sex before I got these feelings - like it's a different person in my memories. I'm ashamed of it. 

 

I abosultely adore my daughter and have no trouble being affectionate and loving to her, but any kind of affection with sexual connotations makes me feel nauseated. 

 

Too much info, but I still very occasionally maturbate, but not in the same way I did- like not watching porn/thinking about sexual situations. It's more 'functional'?

 

 

This has ripped my relationship apart and I found out my husband has been seeing prositutes as he feels unloved and unwanted. He tells me he feels it's better than having an affair...but it's given me a good excuse to leave him. He would not be able to accept a sexless relationship. 

 

I just am so confused. Does this mean I will be alone forever?! Why has this happened - is it as a result of my having a baby? 

 

Please help/share. 

[Bobcatpretzel]

Also. Not even sure if I am asexual....?

[A shard of glass]

Hey there,

 

In all honesty I can understand your feelings, it sounds almost like sex was what was keeping the relationship together (sorry if I'm wrong here) but what matters is that you were able to voice your concerns. Stress and depression are capable of killing off a person's libido, and it sounds like you're going through a lot of stress. This doesn't technically mean that you're asexual per se, but it's clear that your libido has definitely decreased. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. A lot of people have no libido. However what you said about masturbation is interesting. As in, you only do it as a functional need rather than an "in the moment" kind of thing. I don't think I've come across this "type" of masturbation before.

 

Also what's important is your daughter's life, I wouldn't say that you definitely will be alone forever. It just means that you might have to find someone with a libido that matches yours. Or even just giving it time. It's impossible to say what the future holds, but one day, you may get your libido back, and sex may not hurt anymore. We're all here to listen to you and help wherever we can.

 

I really hope that this helps

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Whether you're 'technically' ace or not doesn't matter, since you de facto no longer have interest in sex. Could you get a second opinion on the pain? Having pain anywhere is a sign something's not right so maybe you should try with a specialist (even if you never have sex again it could be a serious problem)? Also, have you considered seeing a therapist about your shame surrounding sex? That could be holding you back, or it could just end up weighing heavily on you which is no fun for anyone.

[Bobcatpretzel]

Thank you for your comments. It's so nice to actually be able to talk about what's happening. 

 

I have seen 3 doctors about the pain and have had lots of tests. I was told to 'use some lube and get on with it' so seems like they think it's in my head. 

 

What I meant was that I don't feel sexual feelings, sometimes masturbating is a way I deal with stress or emotions, like an outlet. In the last 2 years I'm talking maybe 2-3 times tops. 

 

I just cringe when I think even a about kissing and hugging even makes me feel awkward. I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex again but like you say things change. 

 

Our relationship was sex focused for sure, and he needs constant affection and affirmations. The cheating isn't a surprise to me as he did the same in past relationships. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I mean if he's unashamedly cheating on you I'd get rid regardless of orientation. The fact he's being so casual at betraying your trust is disgusting.