Request for Help- I don't know what to do

[throwaway account]

Before I begin this, I want to acknowledge that I did a variety of things that may not have been the best course of action. 

 

Trigger Warnings: details on suicidal thoughts/tendencies

 

The point of this whole story is about how I unwittingly deceived a close friend and got into a relationship that I don't know if I should be in.

 

About a year ago, I developed a crush on a friend of mine, let's call her Jean, (I'm changing names because I don't want anyone to learn about what I'm saying from the internet and not from me personally) and I decided not to do anything about it because my best friend, let's call him Aaron, had been trying to go after her for the last year and I really loved him so I just left it alone. At least, that's what I wanted to do, but Jean and I got to be closer and closer friends and I liked her more and more and I felt more and more guilty about liking her. At one point she came out to me and a couple other friends (not including Aaron) as asexual over text. This was during the summer, and Aaron isn't usually in communication with us when we're not in school, so we couldn't tell him about it, especially because I wanted to tell him in person. This is where my unscrupulous actions began. It's unclear to me whether they were intended to be deceitful because I also deceived myself. I did some research and I thought to myself that I might also be asexual, so I told Jean about it. She seemed to be glad to know, and I kept exaggerating my asexual identity, I don't really know why, but looking back, I feel that it was because I felt that it gave me more of a chance to have a relationship with her. 

Later in the summer, I went to an arts camp, and I was the only boy among my group of friends there. Jean was also at a summer camp, and I tried to be on our friends' group chat when she was free, even though we were still only somewhat close friends. My friends at my camp started to notice and they were sort of teasing me about it, but I really loved it because it gave me the feeling that Jean and I actually had a closer relationship, so I tried to bring it up as much as possible without being conspicuous.

Once I got home, I brought up my attraction toward Jean with a friend, let's call him Sam, and I was able to talk through it with him which was helpful. I was working up the courage to actually talk to Jean, but I wanted Aaron to know what the deal was with her before making any moves. So I waited until school started back up again, and after the first day of school, Sam and I told Aaron that Jean was asexual and later I told him that I was attracted to her. He was incredibly relieved to hear that Jean was asexual, and a few days later, he told me that he didn't feel any attraction toward her. At this point, I felt more comfortable approaching Jean, so I talked about it with Aaron and Sam (separately). After receiving Aaron's blessing for going after Jean, I prepared to be shut down and tried desperately not to get my hopes up. When I talked to Jean (via text), I said that I wanted a closer relationship with her. I said that I didn't know if I was actually romantically attracted or if it was just platonic, but I knew there was no sexual component. She said that she felt the same way minus the potential romantic component, and I was overjoyed. I was so excited and I immediately told Sam and he was really excited for me also. I felt very relieved, but Jean and I still had to try to figure out how to start to spend more time together. We both had very full schedules, but we still found a small amount of free time during the week, which we then planned to spend together. 

After a couple of weeks of this, we reevaluated our relationship. We both said that we wanted more and decided to have more physical contact in our interactions. We are both fairly awkward people, but I am far more outgoing than Jean is, so before we went any further, we decided to set the parameters of what we considered okay and what wasn't. In the conversation where we set the parameters for physical contact in our relationship, I said that I wasn't comfortable with things that I was actually comfortable with, maybe because I wanted her to be more comfortable, maybe because I wanted it to seem like we both wanted the same thing and we had a more perfect relationship. I still respected the boundaries that were set, and I said that we would take things at her pace rather than force her to accommodate my desires for physical contact. 

 

In early November, I started to give up on schoolwork, and I began to consider suicide. I found a bottle of pills and I started to write notes to Sam and Aaron, but I realized that nothing I would write could make up for killing myself, so I stopped writing and stopped considering suicide. I left the notes open on the house computer as a way to let my dad know that I needed help. When he found them, he brought me to a psychiatric hospital, which wasn't helpful, but at least I was getting treatment. That's all the detail I'm going to go into on my mental health.

 

Now, I've been on a medication for a while, and it was really helpful at the beginning, but now that my dose has been increased, I've found myself loving Jean less, and thinking more sexually. Currently, I doubt that I truly am asexual, and I've brought it up with Jean on some occasions, and she has been so supportive of me that I don't know how I deserve it. However, I don't know whether or not to believe her; she is a very passive person, and I don't know if she would really tell me if she wasn't okay with something. For now, I feel entirely non-asexual, and I know that Jean will never want to have sex, but I can't convince myself of it. For some reason, I still think that she could end up feeling the same way that I do.

This may have something to do with the fact that for a while, we both couldn't see the appeal of other forms of affection, such as hand holding, but we both agree now that it is enjoyable. We also both bashed kissing for the majority of our relationship, but now we both want to try, although we haven't yet. I just can't persuade myself that the same thing won't happen with sex, and I feel like if I bring it up, it will push her away and I don't want to lose her.

I know that what I truly should do is talk to her openly and honestly, but I would really appreciate advice about how to go about it. I'm just so lost as a high school kid with nowhere to turn to where I can be honest and receive actual advice.

Thank you for reading