Am I asexual or have I just been in a relationship for too long?

[Sean_Bird]

Hi,

 

This is my first time posting on this site. Until recently I figured that I was abrosexual (I'm also genderfluid), but when I stumbled across some asexual websites and posts, realized that I share a lot of commonalities with asexuality.

 

I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years now, and the relationship is likely going to end soon; namely because of our differing sex drives. He's a very sexual person and I'm... well, apparently not. He gets off on seeing his partner aroused, and I simply don't get aroused during sex unless very specific conditions are met. Even then it doesn't work most of the time. I don't mind having sex because it makes him happy, I love seeing him smile and have that relaxed look on his face afterwards, but he feels like our sex life is 'terrible' because I'm not getting anything out of it.

 

For pretty much the entirety of our relationship, I've fought and pushed myself to be sexually aroused and interested in him. At the beginning of the relationship I was aroused, (he's the first and only person I've ever had sex with) but there was a very strange disconnect between my mind and body. I would be aroused by something, but not really aware of that or have any inclination of what to do with the arousal. I would try to be aroused, and have nothing result. I would want to be around him and do all the cuddly romantic things, but as soon as clothes came off and genitals got involves, I got bored/disinterested and wanted to do something else. I would go through the motions and pushed my comfort zone to try and find something to get me going, anything related to my partner, because I was absolutely infatuated and in love with him, and didn't want him to be with anyone else.

 

Pretty much every time we have sex, I have to go through a mental process: "okay, uh... what turns me on... this- no, that makes him uncomfortable. This? Nah. This other thing? No, not today. Too much hassle. What about this? Ow, no. This? Eh. This? Meh. This? YES! ... never mind, bored again. Can we just do video games and chimichangas?"

 

When relationships go on for a long time, I know that people generally lose their sex drive with the other person. I know that I have romantic attraction to people, and I do have sexual fantasies, but I don't have any interest in acting them out or having sex with other people. When I watch porn I have little inclination to be either of the people involved. Sex with another person seems like too much of a hassle, honestly.

 

I dunno- does this sound like I fit into the gray-asexual spectrum, or I've just in a relationship for too long?

[Guest]

As you say you've hade to "fight and push" ever since the beginning of the relationship, I'd reckon that having been too long in it can probably be ruled out as a major factor.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 26/03/2017 at 3:40 PM, Mysticus Insanus said:

As you say you've hade to "fight and push" ever since the beginning of the relationship, I'd reckon that having been too long in it can probably be ruled out as a major factor.

I agree, this does sound quite alot like asexuality (or on the ace spectrum) to me.

 

On 26/03/2017 at 7:33 AM, Sean-Kat said:

I do have sexual fantasies, but I don't have any interest in acting them out or having sex with other people. When I watch porn I have little inclination to be either of the people involved. Sex with another person seems like too much of a hassle, honestly

This honestly reminds me exactly of me, and I definately identify as Asexual.

 

Honestly don't let this worry you. It may or may not be a sign of your sexuality but to someone who identifies as Ace this is all very farmiliar.

I think it's difficult to be in a romantic relationship with someone who has a different desire for sex. Have you spoken about this all with him? You could explain your worries, that you care an awful lot about him and don't want the raltionship to end but you do not feel that sex is something you really want to be doing. You need to figure out what's best for both of you x

[Sean_Bird]

20 hours ago, AmberLovesLife said:

I agree, this does sound quite alot like asexuality (or on the ace spectrum) to me.

 

This honestly reminds me exactly of me, and I definately identify as Asexual.

 

Honestly don't let this worry you. It may or may not be a sign of your sexuality but to someone who identifies as Ace this is all very farmiliar.

I think it's difficult to be in a romantic relationship with someone who has a different desire for sex. Have you spoken about this all with him? You could explain your worries, that you care an awful lot about him and don't want the raltionship to end but you do not feel that sex is something you really want to be doing. You need to figure out what's best for both of you x

He and I have been very open with each other regarding sex, and he's been clear from the beginning that he is very sexual, and that it's a deal breaker for him. There are other factors that have led to this break up, though. For him, sex was the biggest factor, while other factors were mine.

 

I haven't specifically told him about my asexuality suspicion, but I don't think that he'll be too surprised. A lot of our relationship regarding sex has been him saying that we're not "normal". :/

 

The more I research asexuality,  the more certain I am that I'm part of the ace spectrum. The last few days I've been remembering points in my life where sex just didn't make sense, and... So many things are clicking together. It's a bit disorienting to think I had a normal sex drive my entire life and find out that I don't.

 

Thank you both for the responses. <3

[herewearenow]

Curious if you ended up having this convo with your SO. i'm in a similar predicament and hearing about other people's experiences is helping me. thank you!

[Sean_Bird]

(I meant to directly quote herewearenow and spaced it- oh well)

 

I think that I wrote this post right after my SO and I went on a 'break' (which I don't think we'll be getting back together from). He made it clear that he still loved and cared about me, and even despite our other problems, he would stay with me. Sex, for him, is a big deal though, and was the deciding factor. He wants to have sex with his SO and for that to be meaningful and his sexual feelings reciprocated- something I simply can't provide. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I research or practice- that's just something I'm not capable of giving him.

 

We're still going to be friends, but I don't think that we can be romantically together again. The only compromise would be a polygamous relationship, which I'm not okay with. Last time I saw him in person, which was after we started our 'break', our entire dynamic changed- even just holding hands felt awkward and weird.

 

After a couple weeks of mulling over the new asexuality label, I sent him a message about it. He was pretty busy with other things, such as work, and didn't really reply until a few days later. He said that he'd be willing to talk about it if I wanted to, and he'd known one other person that was asexual before. Since telling him wouldn't really change anything, I didn't see the point in elaborating further. Going into detail would clarify a few things and put new words to what I'd been going through, but that wouldn't change or solve anything.

 

I've also been reeeally busy with school, a social life, and work the past few weeks, so I haven't really had the time to have another full conversation with him. That'll probably happen soon, and in that conversation will probably include the asexuality thing. Which will lead to a formal break up, since... yeah.

 

Any who. Good luck with your SO. Let me know if you have any questions or anything. <3