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Confused on physical timing?


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DiscoverYourself

Hi guys! I am 28 and I am in this really weird stage of my life.

 

I was very sexually active when young. I fell in love hard at 18 with a girl id give a 9/10 on my physical attration scale. I was really o ly i to her physically I didnt really like who she was but I didnt care. I was with her til 20 and I left her because she had a kid and said it was mine but the paternity test proved different...

 

I only bring this up because I feel its one of my root causes of fear.

 

I dated a girl for 2 years up until 9 months ago.. She was a 4/10 on my physical scale but our mental connection was so high it made up for it. She ended up getting mad because I didn't have sex with her often because honestly she was physically not enough for me. It sucks to say but I'm honest about it. Our mental connection dwindled from her insecurities and I had no yearning to fix them.

 

I was a dick to her emotionally and physically and I didn't mean to be. I care about her alot actually just didn't know how to bring the passion alot of the time was lots of great convos.

 

Anyways... I left her and partied hard had a blast with life. I started to realize only the women who were a 9 or above on my physical scale would catch my eye.. Which is not many women TBH. 

 

I ended up dating 3 girls over the last 9 months. 2 I met threw mutual friends 1 I met at a concert. All of them definitely liked me for some reason I felt our connection. 

 

Every time things went wrong. I could go on a couple dates but I started to think about sex since I actually wasn't thinking about it at all when with them or getting super sexually aroused at all. It is literally me saying to myself you are not being normal you need to get tjis girl in bed to satisfy her. I was using logical thoughts to try to enduce nature.

 

It never was natural and every time I could tell they could tell I was forcing it. They all played back at one time or another but I never made a move on these girls.. I would then proceed to try to talk to them about how I want sex blah blah. I think that's what they want to hear I remember being young I would just straight up start touching a girl within 10 seconds of meeting her if I could see she felt me enough... 

 

I want a super strong mental connection with a women but force myself to believe women need sex to solidify 

 

Anywho my question is what is this even considered. I have tried to just talk to them and let things hapown.. 1 girl I hung out with 6 times and I never did anything sexual when tho I wanted too I felt as if I was disrespecting my mental connection by treating her loke a piece of meat.

 

I wrote this because I have very strong sexual desires and I want to know what my best action would be  to go about telling a woman I really like that I dont have sex until im really mentally connected. I have a fear I will lose her or she will instant friend zone me when I like her alot. If anyone has this same problem I would like to know the best course of action to make yourself feel as if you are not taking advantage of her for her body. I can give trust pretty easy I just fear the loss of our mental connection but god I want sex bad. I am confused on the duality of this arrangement in my head as they battle with each other constantly when trying to make it work. I have lost all those girls I really liked and I'm sick of doing this I would appreciate advice.. Or a label.. Something... Sorry for being so drawn out just wanted to give a little backround!!

 

 

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DiscoverYourself

Oh and ps 2 out of the 3 girls obviously slept around alot or didnt like.me who knows.. After 1 date I was not enough because they didn't come back... not bad dates at all. I feel majority of good looking people want physical connections right away otherwise im just another guy to them but then again i feel like im special for my mind and boom back to square root of confusion. I have dated other women below my attraction scale but that had same outcomes and really didnt care was more for entertainment.

 

I also have a problem talking to girls and acting really interested.. I have to remind myself I like this girl to reach out I dont just do it like I have a crush its just like oh yeah she is cool let's see if she wants to hang out. I dont feel a super connection to them so I dont Persue much at all.

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Welcome to the forum.

 

So, as I'm sure you know, asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction, and sexual attraction can basically summed up as that emotional reaction which often inspires sexual desire. Grey asexual people feel that sexual attraction/sexual desire rarely or weakly. From what you've described (please correct me if I'm wrong) your issue seems to be that you are having trouble finding people who you are both romantically attracted to, and sexually attracted at the same time. You also appear to note that that one girl who lied to you about being the father of her child really caused you some fears or anxieties? That would be totally understandable, because that is a really manipulative thing to do to someone. I could understand if it was harder to trust a partner after such an experience, but of course, not all women are like that.

 

I am curious as to what brought you to this forum. What about it resonates with you?

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