Questioning FtM. Advice please?

[01010001]

Okay, so for about 5 months, I've been questioning by gender, (I'm AFAB) and a couple months ago I realised that I think that I might be a boy. I'm thirteen right now, and so it might be just a "phase" or something, but I don't really think it is. When I was younger (prepubescent), I always just assumed that I would grow up to be a man without really thinking about it, and I think I thought that I would grow a penis when I turned 12 or something. Even when I found out about periods and that stuff, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that that would never happen to me. Then it did, and I got really insecure and tried to act "girly" (which for my was wearing a tight sports shirt and a skort to when I went to the gym), but that didn't really work out. I got my hair cut short after that (I hated my long hair, but didn't really know why) and loved it. I went back to dressing more masculine and, whenever I go out now, strangers always use he/him, which is awesome and makes me grin whenever it happens (unless someone I'm with corrects them which makes me feel really uncomfortable and dysphoric). Speaking of dysphoria, I'm very thin which makes me feel tiny and not very "manly" at all (I'm 164cm). I also get dysphoria about my chest (which is pretty small but I know its there) and "down there" cause its just gross, especially around that "special time of the month". Also my face is kind of round so that's irritating. I live with my mum and my two sisters so I don't have any male influences (I go to an all girls secondary school, but I'm not attending at the moment due to medical conditions) which makes it even more confusing. I also secretly bought some mens boxers this week, and they feel great (even though I have to hide them right now).  Sorry if this post is all over the place, but I just kinda "stuck" right now. I'm pretty sure my mum will accept me and everything and I'm like 80% sure I'm FtM but I don't want to come out if I'm wrong or something. Also, I'm only 13 so I could be just confused and I've only been questioning for a short amount of time, but then again, there were things from my childhood that might make more sense if I was trans. Basically, I just need some advice...

[nerdperson777]

If you feel comfortable using he/him pronouns, or any pronoun other than she, you are probably trans.  But I would have to say that there are a lot of other genders out there too, on the spectrum and off.  I think a lot of people did the same thing as I did.  When I questioned my gender, I noticed that I liked a lot of masculine things way more than feminine things so I must be a binary FtM and that's all.  But I never thought about becoming a man or do all the things society called manly.  So I'm masculine most of the time, or neutral.  I'll never be female, but I can be feminine.  So I'm kind of in some awkward area between male and female but much more male leaning.  Originally being called he/him was so great, but now I feel more they.  I don't mind being called he most of the time, plus less confusion in other environments.  I want to put that out there just to say don't think there's just being male.  I personally think from what you said, you are FtM.  I'm thin and short (160 cm) but I may have gotten more muscular in the last few years from exercise.  I don't like my chest even though it's small but it's tolerable.  But bottom dysphoria is pretty much go away.  I pass as male most of the time but my face is round so it can be a giveaway also.  It's okay to be stuck.  Thinking it's a phase is common thinking.

 

For advice, see if you can have people calling you he regularly (if you can, I know my parents still call me she at home because they don't care about my feelings).  Try out different pronouns.  Do you dislike she?  Does he fill you with content?  Or is they a better feeling?  You can also have another male gendered name in addition to your given name (I'm assuming it's female gendered because not too many people are blessed with neutral given names) and try it out.  See if you can ask people around you to treat you more like a guy.  This is just the social transition part.  If you are confident that issues won't start with your family, you can come out to them.  Not all families are accepting so you have to be your own judge there.  If they are very supporting, you can possibly get on hormone therapy and have "male" puberty at the same time as cis males.  Since you are 13, you might be able to get puberty blockers, which basically puts a pause button on puberty to give you time to decide whether you really want to go through with getting testosterone.  Most people find it hard to get surgery for "down there" in general but top surgery (removing chest fat) is much more accessible.

 

I hope I'm not putting too much information here.  I'm just 10 years older and have not been able to do anything beyond haircuts and clothing.  I just do a lot of research.

[MoraDollie]

Since you still qualify as a minor in all areas of the world, you're going to be given a hard time about transitioning. From the description you gave, it sounds very much like FTM. Demiboy might also fit. If you're unsure at all about yourself, I recommend just to stop thinking about it for a little bit. Seriously. Sometimes your brain just needs a break from thinking about something to 'really' figure itself out. 

[01010001]

That's interesting nerdperson777, when I started questioning, I barely even considered FtM and pretty much only did research on NB people. I think it's because I was in full on denial mode and thinking that I might be agender or something was just easier to think about I guess. But soon I went from questioning being agender, to bigender/transmasculine, and finally, when I really thought about it, I realised that there was a better chance of me being FtM, than non-binary. For the last few days or so, I thought about all the things that make me think that I'm a boy, and then all the things that make me think I'm not (all I came up with was "what if I'm wrong"). Then I thought about if I grew up and, as an adult, was a "woman" (which just disgusts me) or if I grew up to be a man (which brings a smile to my face and makes me feel all confident ). Also, since my chest is pretty small, I thought about if I had a larger chest, and I think that I would be incredibly depressed and might even attempt suicide. So now the only two things holding me back, are doubt (which, according to everyone I've seen in videos/forums, is normal), and how to come out. Also, Kumo, I have tried to stop thinking about it, and I did for like a week or two a few months back, but being called she and just being viewed as a girl as a whole makes it kinda hard. After I ignored it and stopped thinking about it, when I did start thinking about it again, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of being FtM (before going back and forth in denial). So right now, I really want to come out, but I have no idea how to. Ideally, I would like to tell my mum first because I am very close with her, and I'm certain that she would never kick me out or anything, but I feel like I might be disappointing her in some way. My friends would most likely be confused but I think they would be pretty supportive. My older sister (17) is pretty open about supporting the LGBTQ+ community so she should accept me, and my younger sister (11) would probably not understand but i think that she would respect me if I explained it to her properly. Also, my birth name is actually a french boys name with an an "e" added at the end to make it feminine (Floriane), so I could just drop the "e" and make it Florian which would make it a lot less confusing for people.

[nerdperson777]

14 hours ago, 01010001 said:

Also, since my chest is pretty small, I thought about if I had a larger chest, and I think that I would be incredibly depressed and might even attempt suicide.

I know that I'd be really dysphoric if I had a bigger chest.  I once had a dream where they were B or C cups and I felt really bad so I'm glad that I'm not that big.

 

There would probably be feelings of disappointment on the other side opposite of ours.  My parents certainly were not on board with it.  My mom's first response was "I rather you be a lesbian".  It's not really my choice and it's not the same thing.  She kept thinking that I wanted to be like Ellen Degeneres.  She is a butch lesbian.  I am a boy.  There is a difference.  Dad just doesn't believe in any of this because he's very traditionally minded and acts like I never said anything about being trans.  He makes gay jokes and can be homophobic but that's another story.

 

I knew they wouldn't kick me out because of reputation reasons.  They're always concerned with having answers to questions that their friends could have about me.  If they did kick me out, they're afraid of what they would tell their friends, even though really a lot of questions they could have could be really trivial.  For that reason, I cannot be out.  It's considered an attack on their reputation.  They're afraid of being outcasted because of me.  My well-being has never really been their priority beyond feeding and clothing me, and giving me an education.  This is a possible scenario.

 

For coming out tips, I've heard people say ask off-handedly about what the person you want to come out to thinks about LGBTQ+ people.  Then if it sounds at least not negative, ask what if I wasn't a girl, or if I was a boy.  The only people I had to come out to were my parents and my cousin and that was 2 years ago, plus it was more like they forced me out of the closet, so I personally don't have coming out experiences to draw from.  And I'm coming out tomorrow to some high school friends, fun.

 

There's no easy equivalent masculine name for mine so I just went with something that sounded similar.  I changed Catherine to Calvin.  It was the closest I could make it and if someone I wasn't out to heard it, they themselves would think they heard wrong.  People can still call me Cat and I don't mind.  I know a Jesse who was Jessica.  Easy change.  I have a friend called Terry and she's so lucky to not really have to change her name even though she has another name so she goes by both.

 

One thing I forgot to mention earlier is binders.  They're like bras but with more flattening effect.  They were originally made for cis guys with moobs but now AFAB trans people use them to flatten their chests.  They tend to be $30+ so lower income people may not be able to afford one.  A good cost-effective alternative people like are sports bras and sometimes wearing one backwards when wearing multiple.  I haven't done this myself because I immediately went from regular bras to a binder and didn't really use sports bras before.  I can only go by what other people say.  But I have got to tell you, being flat feels really great.  

[01010001]

I think that my mum would be supportive since I already know that she is fine with gay people and has previously told me that it's okay if I am gay and that she will accept me no matter what, which is pretty reasuring. Since look like a boy, she probably thinks that I'm a lesbian (but I've never had a "crush" or been attracted to someone so I don't actually know that myself). As you pointed out, she will most likely be at least a bit disappointed, but I think that she will accept me. Also, even before I even started questioning, I have told her that I want a small chest, and when we saw this really muscular guy in the gym, and she said that it looks ugly to have muscles that big, I told her that I wanted to look like him when I grow up.  And, a month ago (or so), I wanted to cut my already short hair into a more masculine haircut, and when we go to the hairdressers, we always bring a reference picture that we found on the internet, and the picture I used, was of a boy, and she was cool with that. She also told me that I was old/responsible enough to chose what I did with my hair and such, and I didn't have to get her approval, which made me pretty happy. So it isn't as if it would be out of the blue.

 

(Also, my dad is homophobic, trans-phobic, racist, sexist, and so on. But he's abusive so my mum split up with him like 6 years ago, and I haven't had any contact with him for 2 years. My younger sister sees him every other weekend though, so she would probably tell him, which could put her in danger, hopefully not though. So yeah, I wouldn't have to come out to him anyway.)

 

I have seen a bunch of videos (plus a few blogs) about binders, and I have seen very positive reviews on underworks, so I'm hoping to get one from there . Another thing is that, in 4 weeks, I'm going on a PGL trip with the school that I am currently attending (an online school), so I will be meeting a few of the people in my year. Some of them already think I'm a boy (I think its cause my voice can pass as a boys), so it would be a lot easier to just be out by the time I meet them. Also, since I'm going there with my mum, I don't want to have to hide my boxers. I also want to have a binder by the time I go there, and underworks ones take (apparently) 7-14 working days to arrive, so if I'm out by this weekend, I would be able to have one for the trip, which would make me a lot more confident. It's quite a lot of pressure, but I never get anything done if without deadlines.

 

I hope that your friends are supportive! 

[nerdperson777]

My mom actually asked me straight out in middle school if I was gay, and it was okay if I was. Back then I was internally homophobic so I answered with a really strong no. But by the look of things, I don't think it's because she's okay with it. She wanted to know everything about me. She's shown that it's fine if other people are in the LGBTQ+ community, but if it's me, she's ashamed and has to hide. She freaked out when I cut my hair short. I had the same hair for 19 years, and it looked like hers. I can dig up a picture when I'm on the computer if wanted. Her first response was that it would take a while for my hair to grow back. Who said I wanted it to? Even today my parents just think I'm some tiny kid and I'll never be considered responsible just because I'm younger than them. 

 

The two top brands are Underworks and gc2b. People really like gc2b because it's more comfortable to them. I've found that I liked Underworks better. It is a little looser so that I can exercise and I look like I have pecs. People report shortness of breath just wearing them but I never had issues. I found that gc2b felt a little too tight for me and it was giving me a rash on my sides. I don't think anyone else had that problem though. But I would say that it flattens phenomenally. My belly came out further than my chest when I wore gc2b. So most people think it's comfortable and it flattens well. It just didn't happen with me. I also managed to pull some seams off when I couldn't get out of it the first time. I have both the half and full versions. For Underworks, I use the cotton tri-top. Idk what else to say other than I like it better. The seams are on the inside so it looks smooth. Black is probably better than white because I turn the white ones yellow from all my exercising sweat, haha. 

 

It went rather well actually. I'll write in more detail on another thread, if I can decide which one. I think with more visibility, there's less to explain now. All I did was put the info out there and they were supportive. 

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 26/03/2017 at 3:23 AM, Kumo said:

Since you still qualify as a minor in all areas of the world, you're going to be given a hard time about transitioning. From the description you gave, it sounds very much like FTM. Demiboy might also fit. If you're unsure at all about yourself, I recommend just to stop thinking about it for a little bit. Seriously. Sometimes your brain just needs a break from thinking about something to 'really' figure itself out. 

I agree
This certainly to me sounds like dysphoria. Try watching some trans Youtuber videos who talk on the subject and see how you feel <3