Struggles With Asexuality and Doubting Yourself

[DesiButters519x]

Hello!

 

My name is Mari and I am so happy to have finally joined this site after a year of discovering it. I have gone through a long road of self discover and am still on it. I haven’t really used the term Asexual for me, because as many people around me have said, I have had no real experience with dating or romance to know what I really am. I have let too many comments get to me all my life. So I would do anything to fit in. From a very early age, the only thing I ever had was crushes, but I never felt the need to pursue a romance simply because it was nothing I was really interested in. I just liked looking at a person from afar. It was all I ever needed to be happy. I never understood what was so awesome about romances and dating and sex. I like reading about it, I like movies here and there and I like even writing about it, but that’s about it. I was never a girl who needed it for her self. When I was 15, I had my first boyfriend. Literally out of curiosity I dated him, but I was so repulsed when he kissed me, and I wasn’t too fond of his affections. I had this boyfriend to also get someone else out of my mind. An older man that I felt I had feelings for. We had a wonderful relationship. It was so nice whenever I would hang out with him, the conversations I had with him were the best thing ever to me, and simply the very mention of his name would light up my world. I met this older man when I was 14, well I SAW him for the first time, I didn’t talk to him until I was 15, but from the moment I saw him, he was special to me. I knew nothing could ever happen between us, but I was just happy knowing he liked me too and that I had a chance to hang out with him. He was respectful and nothing but a beautiful friendship was formed there. As for the boyfriend, I only dated him for a month, and broke up with him because I felt nothing for him nor did I like being in a relationship. So two years passed, I was still very much in love with the same man, even when I would barely see him. I was the only one with the kind of attitude, since many of my friends would go on dates, have sex, fangirl about love and romance, and I would always just talk about it too just to fit in. Now, 8 years later, I still think very much about that man, the memory of him, my first love as I like to call him, always makes me happy. I have never felt the need for a relationship up until now, but I have been feeling so pressured as of late. Because of my age, people expect me to be going out on dates, having sex, having a partner and in some cases be married. People look at me strangely just because I tell them I am not interested in those things.

So here comes the real current story, Back this December, I started having a crush on a guy that works at this store in my area. Eventually he began talking to me, and we flirted here and there. While I may not be interested in romance, I like flirting, it’s fun and enjoyable especially with someone you like. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers, agreed to be friends, and before I knew it, he invited me to his apartment. At first, I thought VERY negative, because I’ve had men tell me all the time they want to be my friend, only for me to find out they just want to have sex with me. I thought this, so I eventually told him, since I avoided him and going there. He told me he didn’t have that in mind, so I stupidly decided to trust him, and I went to his place a few days ago. I tried so much, to be like “everyone else”, to fit in and just enjoy the moment. Instead, I found myself very uncomfortable, I didn’t like his touches nor his kisses, even when I do crush on him,

 

I wanted to believe that maybe I could have a relationship with him, a nice decent friendship, I was fooling myself. I wanted so bad to fit in that I was about to let something stupid happen. My repulsion got the best of me, so I left. I feel really really dirty since that day, since it only happened a few days ago. This convinces me now more than ever, that I am what I am, and not confused as people tell me I am. It’s just so hard though living in a world where no one seems to understand that you are a young woman who is simply not interested in those things and wants other things. For one, I feel much more fulfilled when I have a deep emotional connection with a person. I like getting to know someone, feeling their mind and soul. I don’t need anything physical, sexually or romantic, to feel complete, but people assume that I am lying or just not “experienced enough”

Has anyone gone through something like this? I just feel so alone right now, I have some friends that understand me, but they are far away from me, it would be nice to one day have someone closer to home that would be able to understand me,

 

I cant shake the feeling of being stupid and trashy for letting that day happen, but at least this serves me as a lesson. We learn from mistakes as they always say right? I hope I can also find more advice on here and hear experiences from other people who can relate. I let my world around me tell me I am something I am not, and right now, as funny as it sounds, I feel like I cheated on myself. I know who I am, yet, I let something so dumb happen when it’s out of character for me, I know nothing beyond happened, but it still makes me feel bad.

*Note* I apologize if I posed this on the wrong topic… as I said I just signed up today but I felt the need to get this off my chest here.

[deactivated account]

hey mari, we all do things we regret, But i think you've gotten to learn how you'll react in certain situations with first hand experience.
wich i think is good to look back on if you ever need reassurance

Don't regret it too much... it's not your fault at all. 

(btw, i think this is in the right topic, not 100% sure though) 

I don't really have any experience to share sorry. i hope you feel better soon

[DesiButters519x]

@AndyAce Hey Andy! May I call you that? Thank you so much for your message! It means a lot to me. I can't help but feel this way because it isn't in my character. I let the pressure get to me, and I did something that I will regret for a mean while, but yeah you're right, it will serve me for the future, as it does now actually. This is the road to self discover and now I can confirm more than ever that I am who I am without having people make me doubt of make me feel like I am confused.

 

Okay awesome thank you!

 

Thanks so much! It's okay I understand! I would love to hear your story though, on being ace. I want to hear more experiences. Have

[deactivated account]

of course ^^
I think i used to be like that, when i was younger. But now i do less, speak less and think more. time just passes by much slower and i get to be more constructive in the way i go about my life. (generally, not relationship wise heh)

but i'm glad you're more sure of yourself if anything! 

I posted why i came to aven here: 

 it's a bit long, but if you ever get bored, there's a few peoples's stories in there too ^^ it has quite an aray of comments, some more wordy than others.

but anyway, it's rather late for me so goodnight

[deactivated account]

i've sent you a private message ^^