Titanic18 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 hi everyone, i hope youre all doing ok <3 im soon to be 20, and ive been on a long journey with my sexuality, but theres one part of it that i still feel i struggle with. my lack of sexual desire. I dont really know if im asexual or not, im certainly not asexual in the sense of absolutely never feeling horny or wanting sex, i do certainly have that, but my attitude to sex seems to be completely different to everyone around me. Im not trying to shame anyone with what im about to say, i merely want to express it through my eyes. to me, it seems like everyone is utterly obsessed by sex. Its on the news,in magazines, it seems to be like an insatiable hunger to them. But far more extreme than any hunger ive ever known. I cant put into words how much this attitude confuses me, im just sitting here like 'woah, chill out. Sex isnt everything" but to some people it really does seem to be. Whenever ive heard people talking about their sex lives, ive heard quite a lot of people say things that suggest that a lot of people would love to have sex up to 5 times a week! they were absolutely drooling over the thought of it. -My immediate, spontaneous, and only comment on the idea was "ouch". To put it in more articulate terms, -that sounds like f*****g torture. i cannot think of anything worse. ive also read an article online where a woman was writing about being in a sexless marriage , she stated that she was upset that she and her husband were only have sex twice a month, and my thought was "whats wrong with that?" im beginning to feel a little abnormal tbh. ive been with my partner for nearly 3 years, im quite lucky that he and i seem to have a similar enough libido. We are in a long distance, polyamorous (he is poly, me...not quite sure but more poly by circumstance than by nature).and we actually like the long distance aspect because we feel it makes us appreciate each other more than if we lived together. and when we cant afford to see each other for long periods of time (say over a year) when we do see each other, sex maybe be more frequent, but if we dont feel too deprived of each others company sex really isnt that important to us, we have it so infrequently that we meet the definition of a sexless relationship, but we like it like that. im gonna be a bit graphic here and say that when we do have sex, we usually role play, i play the part of his 'kitty' , but i actually like the roleplaying part more than the sexual stuff we do. i like wearing furry ears and a tail and acting like his kitten. i am attracted to my partner, but admittedly it has grown on me by knowing him for so long. i can still appreciate and blush at, the size of his ....thing.... With men its rare i think one is attractive, with women, i like gothy women (like myself) and i find them really beautiful and pretty. but is finding someone stunningly beautiful the same as sexual attraction? i have thought about having a girlfriend in the future, and sometimes i wonder if my sex drive will increase with a woman, but something tells me it wont. i do masturbate, but i dont really consider that sexual, if that makes any sense, i just like the feeling of orgasming. so, i feel very confused. am i some kind of demisexual or grey ace? or just a lesbian who happens to have a strong romantic attraction to a man i love very much? Sorry its so long. Link to post Share on other sites
deactivated account Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 maybe grey..."im certainly not asexual in the sense of absolutely never feeling horny or wanting sex, i do certainly have that," I dunno, i'm just not getting the "no sexual attraction" vibe. you kinda just answered your own question haha I'm well thank you. the only difference between grey and demi. is grey is rarely, and demi is only with people you know well. sexual attraction feeling i mean. i think the media just over dramatises sex. i think everyone likes sex to a different degree (not including asexuals). some more than others. some not so much. no worries. ^^ it's all good hope you are well Link to post Share on other sites
Rynn Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 I don't think it's weird to just not want it that often. Doesn't really make you ace or grey. People who are grey-aces can usually count the number of times they've ever felt sexual attraction on one hand. 1 hour ago, Titanic18 said: im beginning to feel a little abnormal tbh. None of what you said sounds abnormal to me. People simply have vastly different sex drives. You're not abnormal for having one that's a bit lower than most people's. 1 hour ago, Titanic18 said: but is finding someone stunningly beautiful the same as sexual attraction? No, that's aesthetic attraction Spoiler Would you want to have sex with those women? If so, that's sexual attraction, that would make you sound bi. 1 hour ago, Titanic18 said: i do masturbate, but i dont really consider that sexual, if that makes any sense, i just like the feeling of orgasming. Yeah, most aces don't consider that very sexual either. The majority of aces masturbate, so that doesn't really help you figure out which label would fit you, if that's what you were going for. 1 hour ago, Titanic18 said: so, i feel very confused. am i some kind of demisexual or grey ace? or just a lesbian who happens to have a strong romantic attraction to a man i love very much? People on here aren't allowed to tell you what to identify as, because only you know how you truly feel, so only you can decide on your label without having anyone interfere, but I think I won't cross a line if I tell you that to me you sound like you're sexual, but just have a bit of a low sex drive. If you're sexually attracted to your partner you don't sound like a lesbian either. Maybe bi? Cross orientations are a thing though. It's possible to be heteroromantic & homosexual, but to me it sounds like you are sexually attracted to your male partner, so maybe that doesn't apply to you. Spoiler http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/07/cross-orientation-101/ But what do I know? It's ultimately up to you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 Something to keep in mind: being obsessed with sex seems to be more frequent in your age group. Not that people necessarily want / enjoy / have less sex when they're older, but they don't seem to spend nearly as much time talking about it / obsessing over getting it. Personally, I tend to think of asexuals as not a different class of people, but people on the low end of the scale of sexuality. We don't tend to have a high sex drive, think about, or want sex nearly as much as most, but that doesn't make us different so much as just way down on the scale. Also keep in mind the labels you may pick for yourself are there if they make you feel more comfortable / accepted, but they do not define you. Your sexuality and your relation to sex may change over time and in different situations. Don't feel you need to have a definition of yourself that tells you what you are; only you can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm glad you made your way here and joined. : ) Sexuality and identities in general can be a long journey...that's why we have our whole lives. Things may change, but what matters most is what feels right to you. There are different types of attraction besides sexual, so some things you describe (like feeling attracted by certain looks) are separate. Aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, sensual attraction, emotional, platonic...you'll find more info on these around the site. You might be in the gray area (I suggest checking out that part of the forum, too), or you might not, but just explore and see what resonates. I wish you all the best and hope you enjoy being a member! Now, for something a bit more official in addition to my welcome (and cake): As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message. Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. The following are also nifty links to take a look at: Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Sexual people don't want sex every day; if they do they're hypersexual. People have different sex-drives, intensities, and preferences, but desiring sex period means someone is sexual. Gray-sexual is for people who desire sex at an unusual point in time (e.g. having a sex-drive after an abnormal amount of time, only desiring sex when fetish is present, rarely sexually desiring anyone, etc). Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message. Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. The following are also nifty links to take a look at: Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped! Link to post Share on other sites
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