Keeda Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 All concerns about people's reactions towards my asexuality aside, if I were more open with friends I'm worried about their reactions and feelings towards my sexual (long term) partner. I don't want him to have to field questions like "how do you go so long without sex?" Or thinking "poor you she doesn't put out". For me it's worth not mentioning asexuality to protect him (he is fine with me telling anyone). Can anyone share an experience? Link to post Share on other sites
Mychemicalqpr Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 I think it's great that you're considering your partner's side of this. This is important in any relationship, but especially one where there is a big difference such as this. Do you have any reason to suspect that your partner wasn't being honest when he said he was OK with you telling people about your asexuality? It's good that you want to look out for him, but for healthy communication, you should be able to trust what he says about how he feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 Hello, Keeda. I’d like to share a bit of sexual’s perspective on the matter. My partner came out to me before we actually got into this relationship, and even though I do sometimes feel bad for him, knowing is totally worth it. It’s true, sometimes I really regret that he can’t experience same level of pleasure that I do when with him. I’m upset that I can’t give him this pleasure. Nevertheless, my knowing gives me the opportunity to do my best and please him in the way that he can really enjoy. Furthermore, being open about it makes it possible to look for the new ways I can make him feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherlocks Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 4 hours ago, Keeda said: All concerns about people's reactions towards my asexuality aside, if I were more open with friends I'm worried about their reactions and feelings towards my sexual (long term) partner. I don't want him to have to field questions like "how do you go so long without sex?" Or thinking "poor you she doesn't put out". For me it's worth not mentioning asexuality to protect him (he is fine with me telling anyone). Can anyone share an experience? What people think about it is not really something you can control Link to post Share on other sites
NerotheReaper Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 In a relationship everyone should be happy, if he is happy with you and the relationship and you are happy that what matters. Thing is it isn't really your friends' business what goes on in the bedroom, or what doesn't go on. Intimacy should stay between the couple, I don't want to know if my friends are having sex nightly that isn't my business. Link to post Share on other sites
Keeda Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 8 hours ago, twilightstarr said: Do you have any reason to suspect that your partner wasn't being honest when he said he was OK with you telling people about your asexuality? No, none at all. We're very communicative in our relationship and have been together for 7 years. I only learned about asexuality less than a year ago and he's been with me from 'hey there's this thing' to 'that's definitely me'. We're discovering it together and our sexual relationship has been better since i identified. @Lara, thanks so much for sharing, he has expressed similar feelings and your last paragraph is exactly how i feel about realising I'm asexual. @NeroTheReaper my reasons for wanting to tell my friends are few, the main one is so maybe there can be more sensitivity when sex comes up in conversation, i don't mind that it does, I'm open with my friends as well i just think sometimes they might phrase things differently if they were aware of my asexuality. It's something I've confronted before, unfortunately there is a rape in my past, telling close friends about that has really changed some conversations for the better, and i know they've got my back in larger group situations where i might be uncomfortable. I'm also curious to know if they've even heard of asexuality, and i think i want to contribute to the awareness of the orientation. It's changed my perspective a lot knowing 'what i am' as I'm sure many people here can testify. If i can avoid a year or two of confusion by sharing my experience for someone else it could be a nice thing to do. Haven't decided I'll ever tell anyone though, because of the aforementioned reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 The possibility that the partner will be asked questions by his/her friends is something to consider seriously. On the one hand, it is no one's business what the two of you do together; on the other hand, if mutual friends are given information about that private relationship, they may well feel that they are "parties" to the relationship, and can ask questions. Even if your partner is fine with you telling people, neither of you can predict what your friends will do when they get that information. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 They might ask, or make comments. Though, you can always tell them to mind their own business, if they do. But, yes, it's a risk. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 I would like some privacy about my sex life and if my ace wife would like to talk about her asexuality to the world, I would ask her to stop. I would hate if friends would comment/ask/joke about it. As we are in a relationship, then things about us/between us is not just about one person. ...but if she needed badly, to come out to close friends or her family, then I would listen to her and reconsider. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 You should remain as you were at the beginning of the relationship. If you came out to your partner no later than the third date, he got involved with you based on the understanding that you are an out asexual. In that case, take him at his word that he's okay with you being out. On the other hand, if you said nothing until after the relationship got serious, he got involved with you based on the understanding that you desired him sexually. In that case I think it would be best to remain closeted for the duration of the relationship, since he did not sign up to march in the asexual pride parade. Link to post Share on other sites
Keeda Posted March 26, 2017 Author Share Posted March 26, 2017 We have been together for seven years and always spoken about my limited desire for sex openly. He is the only partner I've had that has not requested i seek help. I did not identify myself as asexual until recently and he has been in the journey of discovery with me. Also we're engaged, so the duration intends to be long. Link to post Share on other sites
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