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confused, to say the least


Eva Blue

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hello! thanks for reading

i hope i am not oversharing but i would like some answers, and it doesn't seem like i can avoid bringing a few things up. Recently i had made an account here, and even though i did not post much i was very happy to see i had a community. there is just one problem, i still do not know what i am and it frustrates me, i do not know how to present myself to others, and not knowing a big part of myself is distracting to say the least while i am looking for potential partners. the thing is, i have been seeing someone about this and they think i probably have attachment issues. because of my environment from a young age, i don't see relationships between people as feasible or desirable and i kinda think that even "healthy" relationships are just tiresome and lead to unhappiness. i find myself thinking "they'll last a year" or "why make each other miserable? aren't you happier alone?" overall just super negative thoughts. 

 

speaking with this professional, i told them a lot of conflicting things. i have not, nor do i desire a full flesh and blood person like others do, but i really wish i did. i would love to be able to see myself in a loving and happy relationship, but i don't believe in the Hollywood fairy tales of self-sacrifice for another. i would love to have the option of having a relationship and in the future a kid with another, but i would also like to just tell everyone that i'm much happier alone (which i am). whenever i see myself with another it is nearly impossible for me see any sexual activity (unless it was probably to please my partner) and when i think of kids or dating i think of this faceless "other" who just is kinda there, not a participating partner. :/ thinking about it, i would feel perfectly content to become that strange old lady who makes knickknacks by the beach or something, but that "what if" is what kills me. what if i do just need that special someone? what if i just need to "practice" dating? but on the flip side, what if i wasted my time and just hurt myself and others in meaningless relationships?

 

so seeing this professional has really called into question whether i even deserve to include myself in this community, if it is not mine. Either way i'm happy for the support this site and it's people gave me. i'm happy for any comments you may have :)

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing your story with us! You can write as much or as little as you're comfortable with, so it's totally ok. : ) First off, it's fine to be unsure about things...there's no rush in discovering yourself, and that's why we have our whole lives. But I totally understand wanting to have answers and to have a definite to go by... We can't say whether you're ace or not cause that's up to you, but you're more than welcome in this community regardless!  A term I've seen before that maybe you want to look into is "cupiosexual" or "cupioromantic" (just came to mind but not entirely sure if that fits what you describe). The "what if's," as important and nagging as they can be, really don't need to factor into your identity right now (I started out identifying by those what-if's, too, and it confuses things more than makes sense). Go with what feels right to you right now! So if you think you're asexual or somewhere else on the spectrum, go with it. If something changes in the future, that's for the future. : ) Take your time exploring the site, and I hope you enjoy being a member!

 

Now, for something a bit more official in addition to my welcome (and cake):

Spoiler

 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

 

Image result for wonderful cake

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OMG, kelico, that cake looks sinfully delicious.

 

Welcome, Eva!  I have a more broad-base understanding of asexuality than most.  Asexuality, and the asexual community, is not clearly defined, and I'm not sure it needs to be.  It is a support community for those who feel different from the norm in terms of sexual attraction.  Picking up the asexual label (or any one of the dozens of sub-labels) doesn't define you - it may simply lead to you feeling more comfortable / accepted.  If it doesn't, don't use the label.  But I have found the people here to be some of the most accepting, understanding, empathetic people out there, so I hope it can be a help to you!

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