How much does an age difference matter (and does it really matter)?

[Dugy]

Hi, everyone.

I am a (soon to be) 37 year old guy who used to think he'd never find anyone compatible (especially given that I'm a "gray A" in a hypersexual society). I was so used to being single and had gotten to be so closed for intimacy and companionship that I stopped caring about it and just focused on my career, hobbies, etc.

 

And so it happens that a couple of months ago I met a woman who turned out to be quite perfect for me. Recently we entered a relationship and our companionship feels really good (so far), we have so much in common.

We are there for each other, we talk a lot, we care for each other and there is a huge understanding among us. My mind is really blown and I still cannot believe that this is actually going on, that I can be that close with someone. Although it's been only a few weeks, I am seriously thinking this might be it (and I know what I'm talking about).

 

However, there is this thing that bothers me a bit (I know I am overthinking, but still..) - there's an age difference, with her being older than I am - she is 43 (our age difference is exactly 6 years and 3 months). I've read that there have been studies that have shown that the probability of a relationship failing grows with age difference.

 

Also, there is a prevailing opinion in my surroundings (society and region) that the man should be older than the woman in a relationship, or at least equal in age (though I know it's stereotypical rubbish, one cannot help but sometimes give in to that kind of societal pressure).

 

What are your opinions on this?

Does an age difference matter?

Is 6 years a big age difference or I'm just overthinking because this seems to good to be true and I'm wrongfully thinking there must be "a catch"?

 

Thanks!

 

 

[gaogao]

Honestly I think the older you are the less an age difference like that matters. I might have questioned it a bit more if you were both much younger... for example if you were about to turn 18 and she were 24 - 25 (and here I would be questioning it no matter if the man or woman was older), but in the long run at the ages of 37 and 43 you are both usually at fairly similar stages of life and have experienced enough on your own to know yourself and what you need out of a relationship. Additionally... the notion that the man always has to be older is honestly outdated and sexist, and while I do know there is societal pressure (there is a lot in my culture as well...), I honestly feel that nowadays it really shouldn't be an issue. There might be people who give you a little grief about it, but I hope you're able to put your doubts about age to rest and just enjoy being in a relationship with someone that seems right for you.

[Tanwen]

Women tend to live longer than men, so her being older could be a 'plus'.  Would you be concerned if you were older than her? Society tends to accept older men with younger women far more readily than the other way round - has always seemed unfair to me, but then I suppose it would.

6 years as mature folk is not as great as it could be if you were say 18 and her 24 - age is relative and to be honest it's never really bothered me; but then I grew up accepting it. My dad was 15 years older than my mum  

If this is the only thing worrying you then it seems a shame you'd walk away from an otherwise good relationship. Nothing (or very little) is perfect in this life, it's all on a balance.

 

*gaogao ninja'd me on the age thing  * 

[Homer]

I don't think that 6 years are an issue. It rather depends on where you are in life - do you have "your shit together" or are there any major changes to be expected; do you agree on hard facts like kids and such...

 

If that's sorted, you should be good.

[Tanwen]

Relationships take a lot of work - mum and dad used to say it was 100% 'Give' on both sides; not sure about that but you do need to have good communication. Don't be too concerned with statistics - according to statistics my parents should never have married much less had a great marriage till my dad died. 

[Fox6]

What you have to ask is if it matters for you.

 

35 minutes ago, Dugy said:

I've read that there have been studies that have shown that the probability of a relationship failing grows with age difference.

My two cents: The greater the age difference, the higher the odds of looks or money being a determining factor in the relationship.

[Hermit Advocate]

I don't think 6 years is that shocking of an age difference. I agree with @Tanwen that if you two were much younger than it would probably be more of an issue, but you're not so it doesn't matter. As long as both of you are okay with the age difference then society can buzz off. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

I think an age gap is an issue when, in context, it creates a significant inequality between those involved. In this case, it doesn't. 

[Eric King of the Smurfs]

Age is just a number, it means nothing, being in sync with someone is something none of us has control over. Enjoy every moment, because change and insecurities will happen, again it's out of our control. Nature rules!

 

[Dugy]

Thanks for the input, everyone! I really appreciate it. 

 

[Dugy]

1 hour ago, Homer said:

I don't think that 6 years are an issue. It rather depends on where you are in life - do you have "your shit together" or are there any major changes to be expected; do you agree on hard facts like kids and such...

 

If that's sorted, you should be good.

Well, it is still very new to both of us and although we have become very close in a short amount of time (we've only known each other for a little more than two months), but we do have most of "our shit together".

We both have careers (similar ones, as a matter of fact), similar interests, we would both want to have kids, etc.

 

So, in this context, I think we are good.

[deactivated account]

I don't see the problem with the age difference being less than 10 years.
the only negative factor i can think of right now of an age difference being more than 10 years, is in the future, the older one is more likely to get ill, maybe pass on and leave the other behind because of it. maybe it's a bit controversial of me idk also, people in a similar generation have a better chance of getting along with each other. and relating to life experiences. you kinda grow up together

[Cobie]

.

[binary suns]

I am sorry to have skipped reading the contents of the thread, but to answer the question in the thread title: 

 

I would say really that age difference itself does not really matter, but all humans constantly grow going forward from second 1, and in this growth time is a very real factor - we are all limited by it. so while there are many ways in which someone younger has potential to prove maturity in comparison to someone older, generally speaking overall there is very likely to be some facets in which there is a noticeable difference in growth, knowledge, and understanding, which can often lead to difficulty connecting or even painful disagreement thereof. 

 

 

furthermore before a certain age, it is very common that people are very inexperienced regarding love, affection, sex and romance, and will be very vulnerable to certain mistakes or oversights that can lead them to harm - and even in addition, ubon such pain, does not yet have experience in handling it adequately. is this way, it is inappropriate for these people inherently, to be in a relationship with someone who has reached these common growths which most people discover during the late teen and early adult periods of their lives. but, IMO past that point, age difference is much more likely to be non-meaningful. it is more a matter of establishing base maturity, rather than relative maturity - as somebody who is moreadvanced than another, they can very easily grow together in many ways - even such a situation can be hugely beneficial to both parties.  

 

I've heard it recommended that one should have at least a few companions, whether friends, peers, coworkers, rivals, or family, in three relative stages to you - people who are "behind" you in growth in some way who you can "teach" and in this way solidify your understandings, people who are "equal" to you who can discuss the things you care about most on your exact level, and people who are "beyond" you who you can learn new visions you currently overlook. 

 

in reality please note that these things can be found in interaction with people of any age and any maturity relative to yours - what I have highlight is only the easiest regarding those relative levels. I strongly advise to always listen to someone as if they know something you don't, and even at the least, as if their unhindered creativity relative to your focused ideas (or perhaps their focus relative to your unhindered creativity) can reveal new paths unforeseen!

[NerotheReaper]

I don't think age is a big deal, my cousin married someone who was twenty or so years older than them. They are very happy and love each other a lot. So they just kind of gave the whole age thing the middle finger  . So no, age really doesn't matter long as everyone is a consenting adult and they are happy I don't care. 

[Dreamer23]

Who's older doesn't matter.

 

And while there might be no large studies regarding the rule of 7, it usually pans out rather well.

In your example being 37, that means anyone from 25.5 years to 60 years is fair game. (Whether or not you want to go to either of those extremes is of course still your choice, but it exemplifies that 43 should certainly not be considered a problem)

[Sisky]

Personally I think there has to be a point when we stop questioning these things and just allow adults to be adults who are responsible for their own lives. So as long as both of you are ok with it, there's no problem at all.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

If you're both over 18 it really doesn't matter.

[Icebearpanda]

Um, this all hits a little close to home. I am 15 years older than the person I just started going on dates with (my 39 to her 24). Even though we had been friends for about a year, I didn't realize initially how much younger she is. She has her life together: job, future career prospects, etc. and I assumed from her behavior that she was older than her age. I am keenly aware of how it may look to outsiders, or possibly to her friends if she's mentioned me yet, and while I would love to not care what people think, I'm not immune to it and I do worry about it. I think initially that when people see a big age gap they think " well something is wrong here- why are they not playing in their own pond?"  In my last relationship though there was an 11 year difference (they were older than me) and it was fine- only time age tended to get in the way was discussing cultural touchstones. 

[Guest]

I think the age difference only matters if you're in different places in life. The effects of the age different can play out in compatibility. They might not get the same references, cause of age. They won't relate to your childhood memories. They might be well off, stable, in their career for a decade and such while you're still struggling to start out. Those things can cause issues. 

 

However, if you're compatible and different ages, then I see it as just a number (unless it's an illegal type age gap). 

[Busrider]

Age? What is a number on paper compared to reality? - IMHO irrelevant / close to nothing. - OK I happen to like a gal 6 years my senior. Physically we are equal, were perfect(!) jogging partners and she still out-hikes me if needed... we are the petite previous athlete & big slob pairing. - IDK what you got.

Age related issues: Her looks will fall apart comparably soon, while you can keep yours for decades. If looks don't matter much you are probably fine, maybe similar far in life and most likely statistically similar close to your coffins. - Past 35 there isn't much positive development to be expected from further years, so if things seem to fit: Enjoy!

I do actually recommend falling for energetic slightly older gals. - The other way round would provide arm candy but looks likely to burn the guy out (financially or how ever).

[Cobie]

32 minutes ago, Busrider said:

... Past 35 there isn't much positive development to be expected from further years ...

Huh? What?😟Personally I am 64 and still very positively developing. 😊 

[Sherlocks]

7 hours ago, Dugy said:

Hi, everyone.

I am a (soon to be) 37 year old guy who used to think he'd never find anyone compatible (especially given that I'm a "gray A" in a hypersexual society). I was so used to being single and had gotten to be so closed for intimacy and companionship that I stopped caring about it and just focused on my career, hobbies, etc.

 

And so it happens that a couple of months ago I met a woman who turned out to be quite perfect for me. Recently we entered a relationship and our companionship feels really good (so far), we have so much in common.

We are there for each other, we talk a lot, we care for each other and there is a huge understanding among us. My mind is really blown and I still cannot believe that this is actually going on, that I can be that close with someone. Although it's been only a few weeks, I am seriously thinking this might be it (and I know what I'm talking about).

 

However, there is this thing that bothers me a bit (I know I am overthinking, but still..) - there's an age difference, with her being older than I am - she is 43 (our age difference is exactly 6 years and 3 months). I've read that there have been studies that have shown that the probability of a relationship failing grows with age difference.

 

Also, there is a prevailing opinion in my surroundings (society and region) that the man should be older than the woman in a relationship, or at least equal in age (though I know it's stereotypical rubbish, one cannot help but sometimes give in to that kind of societal pressure).

 

What are your opinions on this?

Does an age difference matter?

Is 6 years a big age difference or I'm just overthinking because this seems to good to be true and I'm wrongfully thinking there must be "a catch"?

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

So you are not going to date an older women because society says its wrong to date someone older? Yeah tell that to all the BDSM and Queer folk I am sure they will agree! You are consenting adults, so I see no moral/legal issues with it. However if you simply going by that standard yeah don't date her. It going to crash and burn anyways. I mean its more morally questionable if say its your ex girlfriends mom or something. 

[Fox6]

4 hours ago, AndyAce said:

the only negative factor i can think of right now of an age difference being more than 10 years, is in the future, the older one is more likely to get ill, maybe pass on and leave the other behind because of it.

Since women live longer than men, in his case it would be an improvement in that aspect.

[LittleGoody2Shoes]

If she's the one for you than I wouldn't dismiss it due to her age. Age difference seems like a preference to me. Don't let society's opinions tell you who to date.

[Busrider]

@Thea2: Grats!!!

Sorry, I probably forgot to emphasize "much". - I think between 14 & 24 much more happened than later between 34 and 44.

[nanogretchen4]

If she's 43 and you want kids, be prepared for the possibility that you may have to adopt. I think fertility issues are the main reason it's less common for the woman to be older than the man. The other issue is that when women go through menopause their libido sometimes drops dramatically, so an age difference can make the libido gap worse if the woman is older. Since you consider yourself gray I'm guessing that wouldn't be so bad for you. Otherwise it sounds like you are at a similar life stage and may have about the same life expectancy. I think you should go for it.

[Cat Lady Lisa]

As long as you have the same goals in life (ie. whether to have children or not, where you want to live etc) then age really doesn't matter. Who cares what people may think, as long as you're happy. My husband is 21 years my senior - 48 to my 27 - and we have been blissfully happy for 8 years now, living in the country, rescuing animals and going to lots of punk gigs! Luckily my mum was old (had me when she was 41) so I get most of his cultural reference points, which seems to be a big problem facing age gap couples. 6 years is nothing, go for it and I hope you will be happy together

[Dugy]

On 3/24/2017 at 5:18 PM, Sherlocks said:

So you are not going to date an older women because society says its wrong to date someone older? Yeah tell that to all the BDSM and Queer folk I am sure they will agree! You are consenting adults, so I see no moral/legal issues with it. However if you simply going by that standard yeah don't date her. It going to crash and burn anyways. I mean its more morally questionable if say its your ex girlfriends mom or something. 

Of course I'm going to date her. In fact, I am already thinking about our future together. My concerns are purely hypothetical since I have had no previous experience in dating someone older than me.

And before you judge me for being a bit concerned about the society, try living in the Balkans and going against the tide. I dare you.

[aeimquy159]

On 3/24/2017 at 3:10 AM, Dugy said:

Hi, everyone.

I am a (soon to be) 37 year old guy who used to think he'd never find anyone compatible (especially given that I'm a "gray A" in a hypersexual society). I was so used to being single and had gotten to be so closed for intimacy and companionship that I stopped caring about it and just focused on my career, hobbies, etc.

 

And so it happens that a couple of months ago I met a woman who turned out to be quite perfect for me. Recently we entered a relationship and our companionship feels really good (so far), we have so much in common.

We are there for each other, we talk a lot, we care for each other and there is a huge understanding among us. My mind is really blown and I still cannot believe that this is actually going on, that I can be that close with someone. Although it's been only a few weeks, I am seriously thinking this might be it (and I know what I'm talking about).

 

However, there is this thing that bothers me a bit (I know I am overthinking, but still..) - there's an age difference, with her being older than I am - she is 43 (our age difference is exactly 6 years and 3 months). I've read that there have been studies that have shown that the probability of a relationship failing grows with age difference.

 

Also, there is a prevailing opinion in my surroundings (society and region) that the man should be older than the woman in a relationship, or at least equal in age (though I know it's stereotypical rubbish, one cannot help but sometimes give in to that kind of societal pressure).

 

What are your opinions on this?

Does an age difference matter?

Is 6 years a big age difference or I'm just overthinking because this seems to good to be true and I'm wrongfully thinking there must be "a catch"?

 

Thanks!

 

 

I've dated lots of people 9 years younger than me. Other than pop culture stuff like music and tv everything else really isn't affected by the age difference. I would consider a 6 year difference as normal. Though that also depends on your age. In your 30s a 6 year difference is negligible but the younger you are the more that gap seems to matter.