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Inmotus

Sexuals (and aces with sexual friends), I need your help

12 posts in this topic

Ok guys, this one's gonna be a little different.

 

I've been reading through a lot of threads lately that really dig deep into how we define asexuality, what research has been done about it, how much research we still need to do, etc...

Basically I think the biggest pitfall in a lot of discussions is that we don't have a holistic idea of what sexuals experience (because we can't exactly go by our own experiences, now can we?). 

 

So lets try to get some data, shall we?

 

What I would love is for all you sexuals on here and asexuals who can ask a sexual friend to give some responses to a few questions.

 

 

1.) Do you experience sexual attraction? If so, how do you experience it? If not, what makes you want to have sex?

2.) In a romantic relationship, is sex an underlying "endgame"? Describe how important sex is in a romantic relationship for you.

 

 

Any other opinions or records of personal experience are encouraged wholeheartedly. What I'm trying to get here is just some raw information to hopefully help us all understand each other and ourselves a little better.

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First off, a disclaimer. I am not asexual, but AVEN would probably slap the grey-a label on me because sex is not of huge importance to me and I'm not a particularly sexually-driven person. To the point that I can live without it just fine and really have no inclination for it unless there's someone specific in my life for whom I have feelings. I assume this is one of many variations on normal human sexuality and does not make me asexual, but I'm aware that I care about it a lot less than many other sexual people.

 

So with that said...

 

1. Yeah I guess so, but I wouldn't really call it "sexual attraction" because I'm not 100% certain what that phrase means. My desire to have sex with someone is based on my connection with them and my romantic interest in them.

 

2. "Underlying endgame"? No way. It's... well, honestly I have very little idea how important it is to me. I'm technically bi I guess, probably leaning more towards gay, and I'm married to an asexual man (we met on AVEN). We've had sex in the past (he's not repulsed, just not particularly naturally inclined to pursue sex), and I discovered that sex with guys isn't really my thing. There's some repulsion stuff there. The thought always weirded me out prior to that anyway, hence why I ended up on AVEN many years ago, assuming I was asexual. There are certain components of sex I found I enjoyed though, despite it being not particularly what I wanted in that situation. I've also had... well, let's say connections with and feelings for other women. Sex is not something that's happened for a variety of reasons (the main ones being that I'm married and those in whom I've been interested are people who live far away and to whom I became close online), but I know I feel quite differently about it than I do in regards to sex with dudes. But since a full relationship hasn't played out in that case, it's hard for me to say what importance sex would carry in a same-sex relationship. I will guess that based on what I know of myself in general, it would never be something that was a huge drive for me regardless, but it would be of more interest to me than it is in a hetero relationship. Would I stay with a partner of either sex if there was no sexual activity? Yes, and that's mostly preferable with a male partner. With a female partner it would probably be something that would bum me out from time to time, but if everything else in the relationship was what I wanted/needed, I doubt it would be a dealbreaker. That's really all I can say as far as importance. If I had more experience, I might be able to give more detail.

 

Anywho. If you're asking for input from sexual people, you're gonna get vastly varying responses. Humans experience their sexuality in a multitude of ways.

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9 minutes ago, CBC said:

First off, a disclaimer. I am not asexual, but AVEN would probably slap the grey-a label on me because sex is not of huge importance to me and I'm not a particularly sexually-driven person. To the point that I can live without it just fine and really have no inclination for it unless there's someone specific in my life for whom I have feelings. I assume this is one of many variations on normal human sexuality and does not make me asexual, but I'm aware that I care about it a lot less than many other sexual people.

 

So with that said...

 

1. Yeah I guess so, but I wouldn't really call it "sexual attraction" because I'm not 100% certain what that phrase means. My desire to have sex with someone is based on my connection with them and my romantic interest in them.

 

2. "Underlying endgame"? No way. It's... well, honestly I have very little idea how important it is to me. I'm technically bi I guess, probably leaning more towards gay, and I'm married to an asexual man (we met on AVEN). We've had sex in the past (he's not repulsed, just not particularly naturally inclined to pursue sex), and I discovered that sex with guys isn't really my thing. There's some repulsion stuff there. The thought always weirded me out prior to that anyway, hence why I ended up on AVEN many years ago, assuming I was asexual. There are certain components of sex I found I enjoyed though, despite it being not particularly what I wanted in that situation. I've also had... well, let's say connections with and feelings for other women. Sex is not something that's happened for a variety of reasons (the main ones being that I'm married and those in whom I've been interested are people who live far away and to whom I became close online), but I know I feel quite differently about it than I do in regards to sex with dudes. But since a full relationship hasn't played out in that case, it's hard for me to say what importance sex would carry in a same-sex relationship. I will guess that based on what I know of myself in general, it would never be something that was a huge drive for me regardless, but it would be of more interest to me than it is in a hetero relationship. Would I stay with a partner of either sex if there was no sexual activity? Yes, and that's mostly preferable with a male partner. With a female partner it would probably be something that would bum me out from time to time, but if everything else in the relationship was what I wanted/needed, I doubt it would be a dealbreaker. That's really all I can say as far as importance. If I had more experience, I might be able to give more detail.

 

Anywho. If you're asking for input from sexual people, you're gonna get vastly varying responses. Humans experience their sexuality in a multitude of ways.

Thanks for your response :) I'm hoping to get a multitude of different answers; that's sort of the point. If every sexual (or anyone for that matter) experienced things the same way there wouldn't be any confusion/discord. I'm just hoping to better understand people in terms of general trends, not absolute parallels. 

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1.) Do you experience sexual attraction? If so, how do you experience it? If not, what makes you want to have sex?

"Yes. What kind of stupid question is that. Sometimes I find someone sexy, sometimes they sorta grow on me. Thinking someone is sexually attractive is different from wanting to have sex with them. Lots of attractive people are fucking assholes. I need a combination of things to want sex with someone. When I was younger I didn't have such high standards. lulz"

 

2.) In a romantic relationship, is sex an underlying "endgame"? Describe how important sex is in a romantic relationship for you.

"I wouldn't call it an endgame, but it is does eventually become an important element of the relationship as a whole."

 

Questioned 33 year-old bisexual female (and neurobiologist).

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this isn't what research is. just make sure you remember that. you ain't going to pin down any revelation here. you could ask fifteen people what their favorite color is, but you can't use that to claim a rainbow consists of four shades of red, six shades of green and one shade of purple. there is no raw information here on a forum on the internet. there is curated, contextualized and random information. understanding that this is an unanswered question is very important, but you and I do not have the ability to answer it and we gotta accept that that's ok. 

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4 hours ago, gisiebob said:

 

this isn't what research is. just make sure you remember that. you ain't going to pin down any revelation here. you could ask fifteen people what their favorite color is, but you can't use that to claim a rainbow consists of four shades of red, six shades of green and one shade of purple. there is no raw information here on a forum on the internet. there is curated, contextualized and random information. understanding that this is an unanswered question is very important, but you and I do not have the ability to answer it and we gotta accept that that's ok. 

I am fully aware that this isn't real research; there's no need to be hostile. This is pure curiosity and a desire to have some sort of discussion. 

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I have a want to be hostile about anyone asking simple questions to complex problems when lots of subjective points of views think they can find the obvious objective answer. people be getting weird double bladed notions about what athority is. I don't think I'm aiming to be disruptive; just use caution. thinking you know an answer when you have misidentified the question is a terrible folly. oh, and appologies fer being rude.

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1 minute ago, gisiebob said:

 

I have a want to be hostile about anyone asking simple questions to complex problems when lots of subjective points of views think they can find the obvious objective answer. people be getting weird double bladed notions about what athority is. I don't think I'm aiming to be disruptive; just use caution. thinking you know an answer when you have misidentified the question is a terrible folly. oh, and appologies fer being rude.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as authoritative, that's not my intention at all. I'm not under the illusion that this can answer any complex questions, I'm merely looking for any perspective at all that I don't currently have (isn't that partially what AVEN is for?). Aiming the questions at people that are different from me rather than the same seemed like an interesting idea. That's all.

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16 hours ago, Inmotus said:

 

 

1.) Do you experience sexual attraction? If so, how do you experience it? If not, what makes you want to have sex?

2.) In a romantic relationship, is sex an underlying "endgame"? Describe how important sex is in a romantic relationship for you.

 

 

1) I am a man so we have to take first that into account since I think that sexuality in women is different than in men. 

I experience sexual attraction when I see an attractive girl, I am very average in my taste, I am attracted to feminine girls with nice breast and soft faces.

My desire increases a lot after starting touching or heating it up with hot conversations/dressing/text messages, etc..

The attraction is much higher at the start of the relationship, some of my friends stopped feeling attracted to their girlfriends after some years and those relationships ended after that.

 

2) Sex is not the end game but is a game changer and a requirement, sex changes everything because I start going to sleep at the same time than her, we prepare nice trips, I become more romantic, I prepare breakfast for her, I cook for her and can give her surprises. When there is no sex I start feeling disconnected, we start going to bed at different times, I disconnect romantically, it starts feeling like a friendship and I start paying attention to other girls.

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21-year-old cishet woman here. 

 

1.) Do you experience sexual attraction? If so, how do you experience it? If not, what makes you want to have sex?

God, yes. All the time. When I see a really attractive guy, I want to do... something. It's like an undefined feeling of wanting to be around them, touch them. Definitely wanting to kiss them. Sometimes I imagine having sex with them. If I have romantic feelings for someone, I'm sexually attracted to them almost all the time. For example, things that turned me on by a friend I used to be in love with: watching him smoke cigarettes, watching him play pool, watching him move furniture, watching him boss people around, watching him take off his sweatshirt... Etc. 

 

2.) In a romantic relationship, is sex an underlying "endgame"? Describe how important sex is in a romantic relationship for you.

For me, it isn't a romantic relationship until we've had sex. I try to have sex early in relationships, to figure out if we're compatible. If we're not (bodies fit together badly, like to have different types of sex, they're not very good, etc) then the budding relationship is over. For me, sex is the closest I can get to my partner, and I generally want to do it all the time. Probably 5-7 times per week?

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I'm a forty seven year old bisexual woman. I am also demisexual.

 

1. I have experienced sexual attraction for a few people. In all cases I had known the person well for at least a year before it happens. When I first notice sexual attraction to a new person it is quite surprising. Either I suddenly find myself getting aroused when I am close to them, or I find myself getting aroused by a sexual fantasy about them. To me sexual attraction means that the demi switch has been flipped on by that person. I experience it as a longterm tendency to desire sex with one specific person.

 

2. Sex is not an endgame in the sense that it is the primary purpose of dating them, no. What I tend to desire is a marriage type relationship with that person. So I have fantasies about having sex with them, but I also fantasize about sleeping in the same bed, sitting on the couch talking, making dinner together, etc. 

 

Having sex with someone for the first time is a step in the progression to greater intimacy and commitment. If there is an endgame, I guess it would be marriage. I would want to have regular sex within a committed relationship as one component of the special intimacy of the relationship. Sex without emotional intimacy does not appeal to me.

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1. In a way, yes. For me, it's like seeing a nice dog or cat, and wanting to touch it. The difference with people is, there is sometimes a physical reaction in my body, like adrenaline, or the more personal irritating response. I could push my dog's face up against mine and it would be great because he's my best friend, but if I did the same with a beautiful girl, my heart rate would be elevated, I'd be flooded with adrenaline and the unmentionable may happen. I guess that's sexual attraction for me.

 

2. Not applicable - I am sex-repulsed  

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