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llm

Asexual? Depressed? Whacked hormones? So frustrated...

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llm

I'm at my wits end here but I'll try too keep this brief and to the point.  I'm a 19 year old girl in her sophomore year of college.  In high school, I was 100% your average heterosexual brat, and while I never did have sex, the libido and arousal were there.  I repeat- I experienced sexual attraction and desire!  Now, this is no longer the case- I haven't had any sex drive in almost two years.  Ever since coming to college, I haven't felt the slightest bit of sexual attraction to any of the numerous guys I see, hang out with, and occasionally make out with.  I'm definitely into guys, and I honestly might even have a crush on one of my guy friends, but he's definitely allosexual so I don't even wanna bother pursuing him even though I know he's into me.  I am never turned on or aroused, I have no libido.  I've tried reading erotica, watching porn, touching myself all over.  Nope.

 

Now, unfortunately, around the time I went to college, I also went vegan and began to allow myself to acknowledge what I know fully accept as depression so there are multiple factors at play here.  The depression stems from a family life that is a slow motion train wreck, and is nurtured by my beliefs that all my friendships (past and current) are superficial and that I'm possibly asexual so I won't find a lover, also all my aspirations are pipe dreams; all these things leave me sad and alone for the remainder of my life yada yada etc etc.  However, despite being a closet cynic/misanthrope, I lead and project a seemingly picture perfect life to everyone who knows me and generally function as a very normal, if not exemplary person (I tend overcompensate for the holes in my life).  

 

I'm not on any medication or birth control, I've gotten my thyroid hormones and estrogen levels checked twice now, I get plenty of protein in my vegan diet and I'm healthy/exercise.

 

Could I really be asexual??  I feel like I've read so many stories about asexual people discovering what they are and claiming it, feeling like this was them the whole time and they've finally found an identity.  I don't feel like that.  Help?

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Wish Bear 🌠

You weren't asexual at one point, but it's possible you could be now. 

 

"Further, she explains that asexual people can become sexual later in life, and that doesn't mean they were not asexual before. Similarly, sexual people can become asexual."

http://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/

 

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Puck

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure you are plenty frustrated. Learning about oneself is tricky but it's so comendable that you have done so much to learn about yourself.

 

First, sexuality is for some is fluid. You did have sexual desire and now you don't. It is possible that you are now asexual, but I do agree that your story is perhaps atypical to many ace (asexual) folks.

 

For that reason, I think it's worth pursuing other answers such as your depression. Depression can certainly kill a sex drive, that is well documented. Have you seen a therapist? Does your school have some resources for students who need mental health help? It would be wise to start there. Even if you do find you are asexual, your depression is real and worth dealing with.

 

Good luck on your journey, I truely hope you learn what you need to about yourself.

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Laplace

Sorry you're dealing with some tough times. I get that whole projecting normality cause that's what I do, though I'm pretty overtly cynical and snarky. My bro and half-sis both have depression, and I imagine I have a low-key version of it as well (no direction, generally negative attitude, little motivation despite relatively high academic achievement). People just pay less attention to me cause I'm seen as calm and composed all the time.

 

On one hand, you could be having your ace epiphany. On the other hand, it's certainly possible that the emotional turmoil and depression you're experiencing is causing you to lose interest in intimate socialization (and socialization in general) or making you wary of letting people get close (cause of your family troubles). While I've always had traces of asexuality, my asexuality compounds with the fact my parents are divorced on relatively poor terms so I unintentionally guard my thoughts and keep people at arms length. Whichever it is, welcome to the site - hopefully we can help you sort out your feelings 😊.

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Una Salus Victus

Sometimes, it is possible for changes like this to happen to people. It's hard to say though, given that you've said you're in college and did mention depression in there. Either way though, at the end of the day, it's only something you can call yourself, and not anyone else. My suggestion is to look around a bit more, there's plenty of reading material here on AVEN. If you think it fits you know, and it makes sense, sure, but be prepared. If it changed now, it can happen again, which is perfectly ok.

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gisiebob

sounds like you're putting a lot of weight on your shoulders. I don't know why stressing out about things is so unhelpful. like hey brain, I've got a problem can you help me fix it? no, hiding isn't going to fix it brain...  you might find just acceptinf your current situation might be helpful to you. if you are unsure of your orientation that's ok. if you don't know how or why you have changed, thats ok. I know it's very hard to argue yourself out of depression, but your mountains and molehills alike are surmountable!

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