Clarice M.

Confusion about my sexuality

6 posts in this topic

Hi, I'm really confused about my sexuality and would like some advice. I'm 23 and I've never dated nor had sex, I've only had a couple crushes as a kid and a crush later in my teens. The fact that I haven't had a lot of crushes might be due to the fact that I'm an introvert and I've never frequented crowded places much, so I haven't had the opportunity to know *that many* people, but for over a year now I've been wondering if I might be grey-asexual/demisexual. I do have a libido and sexual fantasies that however only involve kink - the fantasy of vanilla sex has never excited me much, and thinking about people I find attractive (aesthetically) has never turned me on much, either. Even with the crush I had in my late teens I never fantasized about him sexually in a year.

 

When I was in my teens, I think I put the topic off in my head with the excuse that I was focusing on school and that I'd have time for relationships later, now I'd like to be in a relationship at some point but I think all this confusion is making me feel like I'm not ready and that it might be part of the reason why I tend to retreat from situations where I could meet new people. I'm afraid if I'm with a sexual person they might want sex ages before I might want it and/or that they might want to have sex in ways I don't want, and then I'll let them down. And if I'm with an asexual I'm afraid at some point I might crave to be close through sex and then I'll also let them down. In the case of being with a sexual person there's the added fear that I might be made to feel pressured to conform, or pressured to figure this out quickly, plus fear of letting them down twice because for medical reasons I can't have full penetrative sex which is something I guess a lot of people expect. I feel like a mess, and I've been experiencing quite a bit of anxiety about all of this.

 

I realize that I should take things step by step instead of thinking so far into the future, and that people all have different sex drives and desires, but right now I think I'm stuck in my fears and confusion. Has someone else gone through something like this? How have you dealt with it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. Im basically in the same situatiation and i think it's a pretty common dilemma among asexuals, so you're definitely not alone in this.

So yeah your fears and questions feel all pretty understandable and probably many of us had them too at some point even but there's the thing: all that kind of anxiety and stress it's..useless and just plain nervewreck in the end. it's like stress for the ugly reasons. i mean as i see it relationships should not be about letting someone down, it just shouldnt be the way of how a relationship is built. So that being said i guess a starting point could be not be afraid of letting down because that's just not what you're supposed to do, it's not even an option. And if someone ever makes you feel like that, it's just better you dump them, because that's just not what you deserve as a partner. You have your own times and your own needs as anyone else and they're all okay and valid and nobody should be made feel bad or they had 'let down' for that.

 

Overall, just take some time to figure out how you feel about things and if you're ready for the stuff you'd like to explore and search. if you're not then it's totally okay too. Nothing wrong either way. Just try slow down, take things step by step as you said, dont stress for ipothetical others and spend more time with yourself first, sort you out. :) hope i helped you calm down in some way:cake:

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Every day is a struggle with my sexuality in the past i've switched between "im Asexual!" and "well maybe im not i just havent had sex so..." but over the years the more i thought on it the more certain i was that im Asexual. I have fantasies and dreams but they almost never involve myself i can't seem too ever imagine myself with others without it just feeling awkward and wrong. Even with my coming to accept that fact i still couldn't shake the loneliness that's plagued me. I love the idea of romance and want to have a deep connection with someone someday but i run into the same problem. For one i don't want to date as an introvert myself and even if i did who would i date? as you pointed out what if someone i date is sexual and wants something from me?

This has actually happened to me my first and only relationship with a guy who i explained my sexuality too and did not care and i felt so lucky. A year later he got frustrated that i "actually" meant what i said and really didn't want sex. We split and i was heart broken i loved this guy and he couldn't handle something we went into the relationship knowing. i felt cheated.

Personally an Asexual relationship would be perfect for me as i am 98% sure i don't want sex from someone but not only is it not easy to just go out and find another asexual near me even upon finding them will i like them? will i feel a romantic connection ? could we even be friends what if i hate them? a thought that sticks with me is "is it worth it?" and to this day i've been reluctant too even try but im only 21 i still have time and so do you. it wont be easy and maybe we wont find that perfect relationship but we got to at least try and keep going. i have great friendships and a loving cat i make above minimum wage so ... life is good :D 

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds very similar to what I went through (and, in a way, am still going through).  I can, however, say this: anxiety over it not only doesn't help, it actively hurts.  Once I stopped TRYING to be sexual, worrying about going far enough, and fearing the whole thing, I actually developed a libido.  Anxiety and fear KILLS sexual desire.  This doesn't mean "ignore your fear and go have sex!"  It means be open to the idea of sex, but on YOUR terms, when YOU are ready, and when YOU want it.  You may never want it, but you certainly won't get to wanting it by worrying about it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Having a libido (i.e. desire to masturbate) does not constitute Gray-A or Demisexuality. Most asexuals fap and most use erotica to do so, they just don't desire themselves to have sex with anyone in it. Gray-As are sexual people (people who desire sex) but are effectively asexual (e.g. desire sex but don't identify with their own desires, etc). Gray-sexual people are sexual people who can desire sex but do so at an unusual point in time or rarely. Demisexual is under the Gray-sexual umbrella; they desire/ yearn for sex, but only after an abnormal amount of time. So none of what you suspected seem to apply; with what you've said. Very rarely getting crushes can be put under Gray-[Hetero/homo/bi]romantic, though some prefer [Hetero/homo/bi]-Aroflexible.

 

With being so afraid of sexually letting down a partner, I'd suggest therapy. I don't think me saying the following would snap you out of it, but I'll put it just in case. If it ends up happening that way, yah, something personal like sex is exposed and it's a waste of time because the relationship would end, but sexual incompatibility is extremely common; most couples have those differences and it's the top cause for divorces, let alone non-marital breakups. But that's what happens in life. You just gotta admit that shit happens and move on to the next of many fish in the sea. Most sexual people aren't compatible with asexuals (especially the non-compromising kind; only a minority are ok with sexless relationships), but alot of asexuals are ok with sexually compromising. So I'd say you'd have the best luck with trying to date asexuals. There are asexual dating sites and asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Clarice M. I can tell you that it is certainly not "too late" for you. I am nearly 30 and I still don't know what the hell is going on with any of my orientations. :P It's okay and normal to question until you get an answer that you like. And even after that, it's okay to change your answers as you learn more. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now