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Help Coping!


Jj123456

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Hi all.

 

Don't really know what I hope to achieve by posting here but there is so much going through my mind that it helps to write it down. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated though.

 

So..I have been married to a beautiful woman for 4 years and been dating for 9 in total. I love her so much. She is perfect in every way except from one! As I am posting here you might have guessed. We are almost entirely sexless. Once a year for the past 7 or 8 years. We have been trying to get things 'back' for almost all of the relationship. I now fear that there is nothing to get 'back' and her being asexual is the reason that there is no sexual activity.

 

A brief history....

 

Foreplay is and always has been non-existent. All sex has been full intercourse at her behest.

 

Foreplay does not turn her on (giving or receiving).

 

Kissing for as long as I can remember has been closed mouth.

 

She never initiates anything ever.

 

She rejects me every time.

 

She says she finds me attractive. (I apparently am good looking and I have had offers over the years...)We have attributed the lack of sex down to all sorts of things...stress, diet, low self- esteem on my part, money, amongst lots of other things. I have blamed myself for years. If only I could male her want me somehow.

 

I stumbled across this forum a few months back and as soon as I started reading I realised that my wife ticks every box so to speak...

 

When I started probing she admitted that she had never really fancied anyone. Didn't find any celebrities hot. Doesn't fantasise. Doesn't and hasn't ever masturbated. Couldn't believe I could find people other than her attractive. Said she wants a sex life as that's what people do'. We have been seeing a sex therapist that has been making us take babysteps in terms of massage etc.. and on maybe 15 occasions of doing so we have made no progress in that she does not ever get aroused. Even when kissing her all over her body she feels nothing. She has never let me perform oral sex. She does not like me touching her vagina at all other than intercourse.

 

She did one online sexuality 'quiz' and it came up as asexual. She however now refuses to discuss asexuality and insists that she is sexual. She does not offer any evidence that she is sexual however...I on the other hand could explain my sexuality in great detail!

 

I feel so confused. I am 99% sure she is asexual but she will not discuss it.

 

I feel totally destroyed. I feel that I am left with either a life of celibacy or divorce. The prospect of having sex with someone that does not want to is so depressing that I cannot countenance it. An open relationship I don't think could work. She would be too jealous and I would get emotionally attached.

 

Anyway, like I say, I don't know what I hope to achieve here but comments are welcome.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I can't say whether or not your wife is asexual; only she can determine that. What you describe, though, is quite similar to what many asexual people report, so I can say there's a reasonably good chance that she could be asexual.

If you haven't done so already, you may also wish to look into sexual desire disorders. There's one called HSDD which can appear similar to asexuality in some respects (and is controversial for that reason). From what I've read (although I stress that my knowledge of psychology is limited and I'm not qualified to give any kind of advice on the matter) the description includes that the low desire is causing the person problems/distress, and that it doesn't have another explanation such as asexuality. The picture I get from your story is that your wife believes she should have sex because "that's what people do," but otherwise doesn't seem to be experiencing difficulties. I've read plenty of stories by asexuals describing how – before finding out about asexuality – they felt obligated to have sex or thought that they should like sex because it seemed to be a social expectation.

There's nothing wrong with being asexual, although it sounds like your wife is uncomfortable with the suggestion. Perhaps you could start by expressing a positive/accepting view towards the concept, and then suggest that it would at least be a good idea for her to be more informed about it (regardless of whether she's asexual or not).

If she decides that she is asexual, it's up to the two of you to then decide where to go from there. It's a common situation for people in long term relationships to discover later on that one partner is asexual, as you'll find under the For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies topic on this site. Sometimes people negotiate compromises, sometimes people decide that the best course of action is to end the relationship.

Hope this is useful, and I wish the two of you the best of luck!

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she probably is asexual, but don't bother her too much about labels if she isn't interested in them. they're just words after all and hardly change the situation at heart. 

It's easier said than done but with asexuals, you should try not to conclude their feeling towards you based on your sexual interactions. There are a million ways to show you love/appreciate someone. ^^ you've been together for a long time! maybe there's something else you do together for fun, maybe you're the best of friends too and tell each other secrets. maybe you're each other's emotional support or encouragement. Maybe you keep each other on their feet.

the fact you've been together for so long says a lot by itself. there is so much that you can do to help each other out now if you're going through a hard time. Try not to compare your relationship to anyone else's if you can. Not oven Heterosexual relationships should be compared to each other. you are each your own. Unique beings with unique interests and needs. together you probably compliment each other. 

Try not to worry to much. and don't forget to appreciate little tokens of showing love besides sex. 

is that something you're willing to try doing?
 

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@Jj123456 I can relate to your story. (TMI warning) First blaming yourself and occasionally her. Then realizing and trying to understand, then trying to cope with a new life situation, as I thougth there were a spark that needed to be ignited, but apparently there never was any. Then a constant swinging between being depressed, feeling lonely, feeling hypersexual, trying to be loose about, loving her insanely, feeling bad about putting pressure on her, feeling angry that she doesnt remember me sexually, wondering if the sex we have is pity-sex and a bit of a play. Then thinking about worst case scenarios and best possible development. Fear and hope, and not being able to have the good talk about it!

 

we have a businesslike agreement on having sex after kind of a schedule. Usually kissing and foreplay is kept to minimum. It is a quick race towards orgasm!

 

feel free to PM for further talk

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That sounds like a tough situation and I don't have a solution, but I can say this: feeling pressure to perform, to become aroused, to please the other and get them to orgasm causes so much anxiety that that alone can kill any chance of making progress.  For instance, if she feels like she is SUPPOSED to feel aroused and gets frustrated that she doesn't, not only does that frustration kill any chance of actually getting aroused, it adds yet another log to the fire of "this activity is one to be avoided because it makes me feel bad about myself".  Certainly you can do what you can to try to reduce any pressure she may feel to live up to your expectations, but ultimately it needs to happen in her own thoughts, to let go of the idea of what she is SUPPOSED to be feeling.  This really goes nowhere if she's not willing to talk openly about it.  If not with you, maybe she'd be willing to talk to a therapist (who knows about asexuality), but she needs to be able to talk openly and freely about her feelings and expectations to make any progress.

 

If it helps, one of the best resources I ever found was this essay on "How to have sex with an asexual person".  A lot of it doesn't apply to your situation, but I found it gives great insight into why any kind of sexual encounter can be so hard for an asexual.  As someone who used to be terrified of any kind of sexual situation, that essay immediately made me feel that's the only way I could be comfortable with the idea.  I needed to change the script in my head of how sex can go.

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