Demisexual, asexual or just low sex drive?

[sarannk]

I just recently became aware of the terms demisexuality and gray area and am starting to wonder if those could apply to me. I've known for awhile about asexuality but never associated it with myself, and now I'm starting to wonder about that too. I don't need someone to tell me what I am, because I'd prefer to do that myself, but I am new to all of these sexuality terms and would appreciate if anyone could give me some advice/clarification. 

I'm 19 and in my first year of college. All through high school I never had a boyfriend or even a crush. I found people aesthetically attractive, but since I had never really experienced sexual attraction I assumed that's what I was feeling. While all my friends talked about sex and how hot guys were I felt awkward and pretended to be interested, when really the thought of sex terrified and disturbed me. I attributed this to the fact that I grew up in a strict Christian home, where sex before marriage was taboo. Now I'm not so sure. 

I thought at one point that I might be lesbian, since I wasn't attracted to any guys. My best friend in high school came out as bi and told me that she had feelings for me. We made out a few times and it was fun but I didn't feel anything, really. I wasn't sexually attracted to her. The only time I ever felt anything remotely close to attraction was when we were cuddling or touching in non-sexual ways. So I decided I was still straight, and that she had just confused me. Most teens experiment, right?

I got to college and met new people, made some good guy friends. I got really close with one of them and now we are best friends. I felt romantic attraction to him, not sexual, but I didn't think anything would ever happen between us since the feeling wasn't mutual. So when another guy friend asked me out I said yes. He was attractive and I enjoyed his company, but whenever he made a move on me I freaked out and distanced myself. Eventually he broke up with me. Shortly after, another guy asked me out. He was even more attractive and I was attracted to a lot of his characteristics, but still not attracted sexually, even though my friends told me he was "extremely hot". One night a few weeks into our relationship we were making out and he tried to stimulate me with his hand. I tried to push his hand away but he kept trying until I pulled away and told him no. I liked kissing him, because it was enjoyable, but it never turned me on. And when he tried to touch me I just flipped. I had made him uncomfortable, and he broke up with me a few days later. 

Meanwhile, I still am romantically attracted to my best friend. I love spending time with him and I crave his attention and touch. I could see myself marrying him and I would do anything for him. Even still, I can't picture myself having sex with him. If I did I feel like it would be more to show affection than out of sexual desire. But since I've never had sex I don't know if I'm just scared or something? 

I don't watch porn, I don't masturbate, nothing. I need to figure out if my lack of sexual desire is out of fear, moral issues instilled by my upbringing, or my sexuality. I think I'd like to have sex with someone, but it would have to be someone I am deeply attracted to and want to spend my life with. I don't know if a sexual desire would develop with that person because I haven't had the chance to be in that kind of relationship. How do I figure out what's going on with me?

Also, I have on-again-off-again depression and am on antidepressants, so maybe that could be a factor? Although even before that sexual attraction was foreign to me. 

[bbychihiro]

Sorry, this won't be me answering any of your questions because I'm literally in the exact same boat and just created an account on here. I'm just responding to let you know that you're not alone! Everything you wrote relates to my situation. I was like yes girl I've been through it too. I'm constantly questioning myself, like "am i normal"? Anyways, again I apologize that this won't be an answer to your question, because I literally just asked this same question on my post a few minutes ago. But, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm here !!

xoxo

 Chihiro 

[sarannk]

29 minutes ago, bbychihiro said:

Sorry, this won't be me answering any of your questions because I'm literally in the exact same boat and just created an account on here. I'm just responding to let you know that you're not alone! Everything you wrote relates to my situation. I was like yes girl I've been through it too. I'm constantly questioning myself, like "am i normal"? Anyways, again I apologize that this won't be an answer to your question, because I literally just asked this same question on my post a few minutes ago. But, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm here !!

xoxo

 Chihiro 

I'm so glad there's someone in the same boat as me! I hope you figure out what you're trying to figure out too! 

[012]

I wouldn't be too concerned about which of those labels you choose for yourself, they're similar things (although obviously not identical).

 

The most important thing is that when you start dating someone you explain how you feel about love/sex/relationships to them up front.  Good luck.

[sarannk]

37 minutes ago, 012 said:

I wouldn't be too concerned about which of those labels you choose for yourself, they're similar things (although obviously not identical).

 

The most important thing is that when you start dating someone you explain how you feel about love/sex/relationships to them up front.  Good luck.

I'm not necessarily concerned about how I should label myself, because I'm not too into labels. I guess I'm more just confused about what I actually feel about sex. How do I figure out if I'm just afraid of sex, I'm only interested in it with people I'm really connected to, or if I'm not interested in it at all? Especially since I don't want to have premarital sex. That makes this hard to figure out. 

[Memento1]

I don't know anyone who was afraid of / repulsed by sex, then had it and discovered they loved it.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some people do, but usually how you feel about it ahead of time will be a big factor in how you feel about it afterwards.  The big thing is, don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do.  If you're curious and want to explore, be upfront about that with the guy - let him know you want to try some things but YOU are fully in control.  If you want to stop at any point, he will be okay with that.  This requires a lot, so make sure it's someone you trust and someone who is willing to let you guide the encounter.  It's very easy to not speak up / go along with something because you don't want to upset the other or lose their affection, but this is NOT how to approach sex.  A healthy relationship requires good communication and trust.  Frankly at this point in my life, I am just upfront about not being able to guarantee sex - if that's enough to turn off the guy, it was never going to work out anyway.

 

Another big point: sexuality can be fluid.  I went from fully asexual / sex-repulsed to ace with a libido over the course of about 20 years.  Don't feel like you have to discover what you are right now and that can never change.

[gisiebob]

first step is always identifying your surroundings. where you are to me sounds like questioning but also unable to question. and thats fine. its ok to accept that at the present you don't have an answer. just remember to express your uncertainty with it's diffinitive possibility of no sexytimes to a potential partner. it'll be less stressful for both of ya. (I hope!)

[012]

On 3/20/2017 at 6:30 PM, Memento1 said:

I don't know anyone who was afraid of / repulsed by sex, then had it and discovered they loved it.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some people do, but usually how you feel about it ahead of time will be a big factor in how you feel about it afterwards.  The big thing is, don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do.  If you're curious and want to explore, be upfront about that with the guy - let him know you want to try some things but YOU are fully in control.  If you want to stop at any point, he will be okay with that.  This requires a lot, so make sure it's someone you trust and someone who is willing to let you guide the encounter.  It's very easy to not speak up / go along with something because you don't want to upset the other or lose their affection, but this is NOT how to approach sex.  A healthy relationship requires good communication and trust.  Frankly at this point in my life, I am just upfront about not being able to guarantee sex - if that's enough to turn off the guy, it was never going to work out anyway.

 

Another big point: sexuality can be fluid.  I went from fully asexual / sex-repulsed to ace with a libido over the course of about 20 years.  Don't feel like you have to discover what you are right now and that can never change.

This is really good advice.