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Dudette

Do you actually want sex? (Q to sexual)

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Dudette

I am confused about something. Are there truly sexual people? 

As a teen and even as a adult, I cannot image a person who is more sexual than demi-sexual.

So my question is can you have sexual attraction to a person who you do not know?

Sorry if it is stupid question, but I know some friends and they say thats how they feel, but at the same time I am questioning whether they do it because they like it or because they are depressed or even their sexually confused.

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Hiatus

Absolutely. Sexual attraction is just that...sexual attraction. What is the mechanism behind said sexual attraction? It's different for a lot of people. Some it's mental; some require a strong emotional bond; others all it takes is something physical from a nice smile to nice legs...or a pulse.

 

Acting on it is a whole other story.

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MrDane

An attraction to the idea/fantasy of a person? Yes! Our brains are the top sexual body part.

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PostHuman

You can also have aesthetic attraction to people you don't know.

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Lara Black

I don’t understand demisexuality. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but the given definition sounds like an attempt to get a grand slice of the population under the asexual umbrella. Most of people to whom I quoted it replied something like, “Is there any other way to want sex with a person?” (without knowing them first)

I’d say, we are sexual. What seems off, is the definition of demisexuality. There probably are people between sexuals and aces, but we need a way to define them. I’ve been called demi here just for being a monogamist, and that just feels wrong.

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Snao Cone

Demisexual is not "I need to get to know them before I'm comfortable having sex." Demisexual is "For the longest time I thought I was asexual but then this one person, whom I've known for years and I'm very close to, proved me wrong."

 

Some people CAN be sexually attracted to people they don't know. Some people have a desire for sex that doesn't need to be worked up through developing a relationship with someone, so they may seek out casual sex to fulfill it. People are diverse, including in sexuality.

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chair jockey

Similarly, gray-a is not "I'm attracted to some people but not others." It's "I feel asexual except two or three times every ten years when I am attracted to someone, whether I know the person or not."

 

Being attracted to some people but not others, and needing to get to know someone before being attracted to them, are just ways of being sexual. And, no, those ways are not restricted to only men or only women, or in fact to any gender or sexual orientation. But demi and gray-a are something different. There's a definite two-way breakdown in communication here.

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G0D
1 hour ago, Lara Black said:
 

I don’t understand demisexuality. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but the given definition sounds like an attempt to get a grand slice of the population under the asexual umbrella. Most of people to whom I quoted it replied something like, “Is there any other way to want sex with a person?” (without knowing them first)

I’d say, we are sexual. What seems off, is the definition of demisexuality. There probably are people between sexuals and aces, but we need a way to define them. I’ve been called demi here just for being a monogamist, and that just feels wrong.

 

<applause>

<taps screen pointing at the post>

<Shouts at the world> Lara has a point!

<looks about at an empty room>

<looks embarrassed>

<glad no one knows about that little episode>

 

 

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Memento1
2 hours ago, Lara Black said:

I don’t understand demisexuality. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but the given definition sounds like an attempt to get a grand slice of the population under the asexual umbrella. Most of people to whom I quoted it replied something like, “Is there any other way to want sex with a person?” (without knowing them first)

I’d say, we are sexual. What seems off, is the definition of demisexuality. There probably are people between sexuals and aces, but we need a way to define them. I’ve been called demi here just for being a monogamist, and that just feels wrong.

Most people I've talked to about it know immediately whether or not they have sexual attraction with someone.  It may take them several dates or several months to feel comfortable having sex with them, or to know whether they'd want to be in a relationship with them, or the desire may get stronger/weaker as you get to know them, but they're never wondering for months whether they will ever feel desire for them.

 

Also there is no hard and fast line where demisexuality ends and sexuals begin.  Trying to "claim" people as more like one side or another is ridiculous.  It's a sliding scale.  Not all sexuals experience things the same way either, so trying to group everyone as the same is useless.  You probably have more in common with someone who identifies as demisexual than someone who has regular one-night stands with anyone who stands still long enough.  You'd probably be just as upset if those people claimed to be the only true sexuals.  Demisexuality is a word, not a box.  In the end it's just a label, not something that defines you.  Labels are useful if it makes you feel more connected with others, but as with everything else, no one should try to place labels on others.

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Shieldmaiden WinterDragon

No, I never want to try it, I do not masturbate either. I'm in my late 20's as well, and never understood the desire of people wanting to have it. I heard many things that were bad about it and how painful it is, besides the warning of spreading disease. I never want anyone on me, I do not want to make myself vulnerable under anyone and I have no interest in sharing another's body fluids. I rather remain single and not date because many are sexual and I do not want to try sex anytime soon. 

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Icebearpanda

To answer the original question, yes, I have been sexually attracted to strangers. As someone else pointed out though, acting on that attraction is something different entirely. 

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SlytherClaw23

There's a whole crazy world filled with all sorts of people out there.

 

Sometimes we're hypocrites about sex. Looking at you, foot-tapping, weiner-texting, Republican Sentators. 

 

Sometimes we change over time. I was raised in the Church of Christ, so i went from virginal High School closet-case to bisexual party girl in college. Then I was in a poly relationship (learned that's not my thing fast). A few relationships, FWBs, and one-night stands later, I found the S&M community (and learned that really is my thing).

 

Now, I'm a really kinky gal in love with an Ace, and his are the only genitals I want to play with. 

 

Love and sex are both weird, in all sorts of ways. 

Edited by SlytherClaw23
Stupid auto-correct

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Peachyy

I've thought about fucking strangers but it's not an actual desire because it's hard to accurately imagine sex with someone that you don't know. A few times I had regular customers at my work who I would briefly imagine the scenario with and the length and depth of the scenario would be based on how well I knew them, because there's only so much you can accurately imagine before you have to fill it it. It's a hell of a lot easier fantasizing about someone you know. Not that these fantasies were ever caused by genuine intentions. I've also watched lots of crime Docs and it's almost impossible for me to think about a stranger like that without my fantasy turning into a "...what if they FUCKING KILLED ME AND PUT MY BODY IN A SWAMP". 

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Blondbear
11 hours ago, Lara Black said:

I don’t understand demisexuality. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but the given definition sounds like an attempt to get a grand slice of the population under the asexual umbrella. Most of people to whom I quoted it replied something like, “Is there any other way to want sex with a person?” (without knowing them first)

I’d say, we are sexual. What seems off, is the definition of demisexuality. There probably are people between sexuals and aces, but we need a way to define them. I’ve been called demi here just for being a monogamist, and that just feels wrong.

 

Totally agree, I think the concept of demisexuality as a minority sexuality is false. At least with women, From all the girls I knew in my life only 2 had a one night stand, and both of them felt used and sad afterwards. I am not saying that there is no women in the world who can't have sex with men they don't know, but that is no way the average. The average a women sexuality is demisexuality. I think the thing that I find more wrong about AVEN in general is that the self location and tag in the sexuality umbrella is based on a misunderstanding of sexuality. 

Regarding men I think that many man can have a one night stand, that is why there are massive amounts of prostitutes in the world, but there is also many men (like myself) who would not like a one night stand for reasons not related to sex, I would ask myself, "What kind of crazy girl is this one if she doesn't know me and want to have sex with me?" and things like that. But I recognize that a good percentage, a big percentage of men would have sex.

I think that there is other wrong assumption and it is that women and men sexuality are the same way which in my opinion they are not.

 

I read a very interesting statistic that said that two thirds of women in the world had 3 or less sexual partners in their life, and only a very tiny percentage had sex with more than 20. I think it is obvious that in general women need a strong psychological bond to have sex.

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Busrider
11 hours ago, m_p_w said:

I know some friends and they say thats how they feel

Me too, (although friends would be closer than them).

Spoiler

I heard some describe their next trip to some redlight district, usually just visualizing ethnicities they'd hire.

 

11 hours ago, m_p_w said:

my question is can you have sexual attraction to a person who you do not know?

How would you define the rush job version of getting to know somebody? - Sighting smile exchange 2minutes conversation?

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Roardova

I'm the kind of asexual that can live with out sex because it's not a necessity & I like to avoid it.  I'm always omitting an awkward energy but it's even worse when I get close to people; physically.  I am not a germaphobe or whatever it is; but I like to limit human contact.  Especially when it involves fluids.  I do however, want to have sex.  I want to be as close to normal as possible; well the human normal.  I'm a good thing the way that I am; but I know that I'm missing out on things in life because I'm not sexual.  When I see lovers in love sharing moments that aren't sexual; I want that.  But in order for me to get that; I have to bone a guy.  I'd rather not do that & if I ever enter a relationship; that would be one of the last things I would want to do, but if I could have the man I really want right now.  I would have to have sex with him; not sure how often but I would have to have it.  I can turn off my emotions & stuff at any given moment & let my feelings towards him & his energy take auto pilot; but I would have to trance/hypnotize myself to get into it.  Other wise, I'm not going to be up for it in multiple ways.

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KumatoraKazooie

Nah, I'm good with masturbating. Besides, I am disgusted by the thought of having someone else's bodily fluids inside of me, which I why I even hate getting kissed.

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Graceful
17 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

Demisexual is not "I need to get to know them before I'm comfortable having sex." Demisexual is "For the longest time I thought I was asexual but then this one person, whom I've known for years and I'm very close to, proved me wrong."

 

Some people CAN be sexually attracted to people they don't know. Some people have a desire for sex that doesn't need to be worked up through developing a relationship with someone, so they may seek out casual sex to fulfill it. People are diverse, including in sexuality.

 

I much prefer your definition of demi. Well said.

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marriedtoanace
20 hours ago, m_p_w said:

 

Sorry if it is stupid question, but I know some friends and they say thats how they feel, but at the same time I am questioning whether they do it because they like it or because they are depressed or even their sexually confused.

This sentence is offensive IMO.  I don't think anyone on this forum would appreciate it if I told them "You say you don't like sex but you're just repressed" or "You really do like sex you're just confused"  

 

Personally I don't relate to asexuality, at all,  I can't understand someone not being totally gung ho for sex like I am.  But I know everyone is different. I also, as a male, can't understand being attracted to men.  But I know that people are wired differently and I'm not going to say what they feel is wrong, second guess, or belittle them.  

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AshenPhoenix

Hey everyone, just a general comment that this thread was a very specific question by the OP regarding sexual attraction. And while I agree that the OP's question and demisexuality can be seen as very closely intertwined,  let's remember the purpose of this thread was not to discuss the definition of demisexuality. As well, I'd like to remind everyone that there are no certainties when it comes to sexuality, and saying someone is or is not able identify as a certain sexuality themselves is against the AVEN ToS. Not saying this has happened, but the discussion thus far warrants a forewarning of this nature.

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies moderator

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Anthracite_Impreza

Just cos you can't imagine something doesn't mean it's not a thing. I don't understand how people find humans attractive in any way (yeah, really), but I'm sure they know what they're on about.

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Dudette
8 hours ago, AshenPhoenix said:

Hey everyone, just a general comment that this thread was a very specific question by the OP regarding sexual attraction. And while I agree that the OP's question and demisexuality can be seen as very closely intertwined,  let's remember the purpose of this thread was not to discuss the definition of demisexuality. As well, I'd like to remind everyone that there are no certainties when it comes to sexuality, and saying someone is or is not able identify as a certain sexuality themselves is against the AVEN ToS. Not saying this has happened, but the discussion thus far warrants a forewarning of this nature.

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies moderator

I am sorry. I am weird (anti-social). 

But thanks for all the replies, they helped me to answer more than just one thing which I asked :) (it was more educational than I thought, at least for me).

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CBC

Good lord, why did this thread need a "forewarning"?! This site gets more ridiculous by the day.

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AshenPhoenix
2 hours ago, m_p_w said:

I am sorry. I am weird (anti-social). 

But thanks for all the replies, they helped me to answer more than just one thing which I asked :) (it was more educational than I thought, at least for me).

No problem, this thread hasn't become problematic by any means, just a bit off topic, and if people want to make a thread on the actual definition of demisexuality, that's best in TGA or somewhere similar :) 

 

1 hour ago, CBC said:

Good lord, why did this thread need a "forewarning"?! This site gets more ridiculous by the day.

Mostly because definition debates tend to get quite heated, and there have been a lot on AVEN recently. So, I'd rather say something first given all that. No one has crossed a line really, but I'd rather say something before to try and ensure nothing I do have to take action on happens. As well, it was mostly just a side note I'd like to pin in along with the point of getting this back on topic

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gisiebob

I think it is a pretty common thing to mentally trip over the demisexual definition. it does sound like just the obvious social interaction people usually engage in before becoming intamate, especially if you consider religious celebacy before marriage. but yes people can be very much interested in sex, and in most cases this is very much not a problem.

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Summery

Yes, I believe that there are "truly sexual people", because that is who the are. It is just part of human nature.  I believe that people can be sexually attracted to people that they do not know. A simple smile can lead to two people falling into bed together. I know of people that experience this.

 

From a personal standpoint, it takes so much for me to even want to have sex with someone that I am sexually attracted to. I would have to get to know them first. I would have to develop that bond with them before even wanting to fall into bed with them.

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AshenPhoenix

Ah, in my modship I forgot to actually answer the question!

 

Yes, sexuals can definitely experience sexual attraction to people they do not know. Both to the extent of wanting to actually wanting to have sex with them, and just thinking "Hey, how you doin'?".

 

I've said ti before but, sexual attraction, as best I can describe it, is kind of this gut-reaction feeling. Something that I don't fully consciously register until two seconds after it happens, and it's probably already made my head swivel to get a better view :P It's not something voluntarily and (for the most part) controllable, so whether or not it happens to the guy eating lunch while I'm studying or the person I've known for ten years is irrelevant, they stupid body will decide what the stupid body decides. Not all sexuals experience sexual attraction awfully common, like me, for example, it tends to go up and down. But even then I don't really get a say in the criteria :P 

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FictoVore.
On 22/03/2017 at 8:28 AM, AshenPhoenix said:

Ah, in my modship I forgot to actually answer the question!

 

Yes, sexuals can definitely experience sexual attraction to people they do not know. Both to the extent of wanting to actually wanting to have sex with them, and just thinking "Hey, how you doin'?"

Very interesting, broad definition you have, lol (not saying the bolded part isn't sexual attraction necessarily, just that many asexuals experience that sort of response to other people without actually wanting to have sex with them, in the same way many sexual people can experience that without actually wanting to have sex with that person)

 

To answer the question, I've often found people attractive to look at throughout my life, even felt a very strong "physical" attraction to some people (a desire to be near them, maybe even intimate, but never to the point of wanting sex with them, no matter how attractive I found them or even if that attraction caused me arousal etc)

 

It wasn't until I was 28 that I met someone I actively wanted to experiment with sexually - there are some types of sex I could probably enjoy enough to actively choose to have them under some circumstances, only with that one person.

 

This doesn't make me grey-A, I was only grey-A-seeming back when I still didn't want to have sex with anyone despite having quite a highly 'sexual' brain. As soon as someone actively wants to have sex with someone for pleasure though, that makes them sexual. It's a misconception on AVEN that all sexuals just casually want sex with everyone they're  attracted to. SOME sexuals want to have sex with randoms just because they're attractive in some way, SOME only want sex like once or twice a year with someone they're in love with, some take a loooooong time (years) to meet someone they can actually desire and enjoy sexual intimacy with (this is quite common for women especially - not all women obviously but many)

 

.. Sexuals come in so many variations that it's impossible to box them into any one category other than "desires sexual intimacy for pleasure sometimes under some circumstances with certain people". That's pretty much the only thing that all sexual people have in common when it comes to sex and sexuality.

 

But yes, there are sexual people. The way you seem to be defining it, you either think all sexual people are hypersexual or were asking if there are truly hypersexual people (yes, there are hypersexual people out there and people who will have sex with practically anyone, they're a minority though).. But certainly not all sexual people will have sex with just anyone, and many cannot desire sex with someone unless they have some sort of bond with them. That of course isn't demisexuality (as you suggested in your OP), it's just normal sexuality.

 

 

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andreas1033

Most people have sexualised brains.

Everyone has a differing amount of drive, from very sexually aggressive, to low drive sexuals.

So there most definitely are sexuals. People, alot of them would have sex straight away with people, often. So there most definitely is sexuals.

You can be sure, that alot of people, would liek to have sex with celebs, for example, to prove your point can you be sexually attracted to people you do not know. I am sure thats how people obsess with celebs.

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AshenPhoenix
3 hours ago, Pan. said:

Very interesting, broad definition you have, lol (not saying the bolded part isn't sexual attraction necessarily, just that many asexuals experience that sort of response to other people without actually wanting to have sex with them, in the same way many sexual people can experience that without actually wanting to have sex with that person)

To be fair, that wasn't really meant to be my big descriptor. The bolded part was a bit of a general joke and friends reference. I.E. I found someone attractive and did the double take, but that's the extent of it :P 

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