Lorna81 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 I have a question which might seem to be obvious, but I'm seeking clarity. I'm asexual and I've been trying to figure out my (a)romantic identity for the last few months and had come to the conclusion I'm demi-quoiromantic (!) as I have felt strong attachments to people when I've entered deep friendships and have been unable to distinguish if those feelings are queerplatonic or romantic. I've recently come to the conclusion that because, although I've got used to a romantic person holding my hand, cuddling me etc. in a relationship, because I can't initiate those things myself and wouldn't normally desire them, my feelings are purely queerplatonic. So could you clarify - if I only desire queerplatonic relationships and experience only queerplatonic love am I aromantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunflowerfield Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 I'm not sure, but it sounds like you are probably aromantic - or at least on the aromantic spectrum. However, I think it would be good if some aro people could weigh in! I will add that holding hands and cuddling, while often considered "romantic" activities in our culture, don't have to be necessarily. I've had three close friends that I'm very affectionate with and consider platonic cuddle buddies, so while it's a little unusual in Western culture to do these things platonically - many people still do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorna81 Posted March 20, 2017 Author Share Posted March 20, 2017 Apologies, I'm not sure if I gave enough detail to my question. More reasons, aside from being unable to initiate cuddling, hand-holding, etc. I'm thinking I only feel queerplatonic love rather than romantic love are that I've never been able to look into someone's eyes or say "I love you" any more than as a mumble. The only time I ever did Valentine's Day I looked forward to the food, wine and conversation but dreaded the 'cushy' stuff. The main thing is that I've felt a massive dissonance in the degree of love I've felt for a partner - I've found any kind of romantic gesture smothering - I'm really uncomfortable with intimacy - and have always just wanted it to end so we can get back to talking about poetry or nature or whatever other topic. My point of confusion has been I tend to fall in love - but I'm now pretty sure that's queerplatonic as opposed to romantic - squish rather than crush. So now I've got this figured out I'm wondering if rather than demi-quoiromantic I'm aromantic with queerplatonic tendencies? Link to post Share on other sites
Lorna81 Posted March 20, 2017 Author Share Posted March 20, 2017 22 hours ago, Sunflowerfield said: I will add that holding hands and cuddling, while often considered "romantic" activities in our culture, don't have to be necessarily. I've had three close friends that I'm very affectionate with and consider platonic cuddle buddies, so while it's a little unusual in Western culture to do these things platonically - many people still do. That's interesting. As someone who's pretty uncomfortable just with hugs, aside from quick ones to say goodbye, I'm curious to know what you get out of being platonic cuddle buddies and what you experience? Link to post Share on other sites
Mychemicalqpr Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 It might just be that you need someone who isn't romantically overwhelming. I think similarly to how sexual people have different levels of libido/sexual desire, romantic people have different levels of romantic desire. I know that I am romantic to some degree, but my romance drive seems to be lower than average (or at least what is portrayed as average) and there are some things I am confused by or averse to, such as over the top poetry/speeches, "pickup lines", frequent making out, and most pet names. Do you think you could be happy in a romantic relationship with someone who either isn't highly romantic or would respect your limits? Just an idea. Of course, the line between a not overly romantic relationship and a QPR is subjective. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunflowerfield Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Quote That's interesting. As someone who's pretty uncomfortable just with hugs, aside from quick ones to say goodbye, I'm curious to know what you get out of being platonic cuddle buddies and what you experience? I've often struggled with touch hunger, so cuddle buddies satisfy that need for me - it gives me feel soothed, relaxed and nurtured. It's a very reassuring experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorna81 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 13 hours ago, twilightstarr said: It might just be that you need someone who isn't romantically overwhelming. I think similarly to how sexual people have different levels of libido/sexual desire, romantic people have different levels of romantic desire. I know that I am romantic to some degree, but my romance drive seems to be lower than average (or at least what is portrayed as average) and there are some things I am confused by or averse to, such as over the top poetry/speeches, "pickup lines", frequent making out, and most pet names. Do you think you could be happy in a romantic relationship with someone who either isn't highly romantic or would respect your limits? Just an idea. Of course, the line between a not overly romantic relationship and a QPR is subjective. Interestingly question. When I saw I fall in queerplatonic love, I tend to fall for someone in a 'I want to spend more time with you than others' and 'want to be friends forever way' - but 'with none of that romantic stuff!'. I don't think I'd feel comfortable with someone who was romantic and had to hold back, but I think I'd be ok with someone who also just wanted to spend more time with me than other friends and wanted a long-lasting, deep friendship. But I'd probably call that a queerplatonic friendship rather than a romantic relationship. I'd agree the lines between QPR and romantic relationship are subjective and also blurry, but that's my current understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
SamwiseLovesLife Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 On 20/03/2017 at 11:42 PM, Sunflowerfield said: I've often struggled with touch hunger, so cuddle buddies satisfy that need for me - it gives me feel soothed, relaxed and nurtured. It's a very reassuring experience. This is exactly what I need in my life Link to post Share on other sites
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