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Midland Tyke

How old were you when you found asexuality?

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AssassinBabs

I just discovered it a few months ago, since it hasn't been my birthday jet, I figured it out on my 23th. 

 

Friend of mine said he wouldnt be suprised if I would come out as an ace. That made me think and search about it. And that same evening I knew that it fitted me to well. 

 

Just like most of you I haven't had any interest in boys, I was always busy with sports and horses. No time for boys but not that it mattered me much. Only when I turned 20 I was a little confused, everybody was dating or had a relationship. But not me, my family joked that I would be lesbian. 

 

And now I am sure that I am an ace, repulsed by any kind of sexual contact. And I know that I do consider myself as a demi aro. Not sure if I am straight or bi, but going by bi is a lot more fitting than just straight. Since I have had squish feelings for women and men.

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Fen

I found the site last week. It's I'm 51 and have just been maintaining a polo shirt and jeans neutral presentation to the world. At high school when everyone was attracted to everyone else, I was  happy being a geek and left out of that dance. Remember this was pre Internet explosion and Gary Gygax had recently brought Dungeons and Dragons into the world.  I didn't date and no one asked me out. Even then I had a gender neutral vibe and called sir by people who weren't paying all that much attention to who they were talking to. There was no real way to find much lgbtqia information during the early to mid 80's, it was probably out there but I had no idea how to look for it. In my 30's I started identifying as Lesbian. I do find women much more attractive than men but I still don't want to have sex with either.  By my 40s, and a couple failed relationships, I just stopped trying to be a part of the sexual world. It didn't fit or I didn't fit it. Accepting who I am and opting to not try to fit a social mold that no amount of yoga would could bend me into was a freeing moment. I don't mind my life even though I still feel a bit removed from what is going on around me, but that might just be me getting lost in my head again. I write some, and read a lot more. Its through reading and a well explained ace character in a book that brought me here, where I am starting to get an idea of how to define me properly. It's a pleasure to meet everyone. 

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Sibemarie
20 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

Hey! Where do you come from in South Europe? I can rely so much on your story. 

Portugal.  I think that around here somehow, people  - sometimes even younger generations  - are way more unaware of asexuality than in northern countries.

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will123

@Fen at your age doesn't it feel like a relief to find out? I know it was for me when I found out about asexuality in my 40s.

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Fen

@will123 yes it does. It's amazing to put words to all the internal things that run around inside and be able to understand them. The real relief comes with finding that we are not alone and that others do understand.

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Yeswap
On 23/03/2017 at 0:21 AM, Mocha Jo said:

59 and 2 failed marriages. I am mostly sorry that I made 2 other people who I loved miserable along with myself.

Hi

 

I've just joined this site. I turned 40 in August. I too have hurt many people in my quest to find my lost libido. I gave up about 10 days ago having realised that yet another guy had fallen for me and would expect a sexual relationship. A failed marriage and many other failed sexual relationships since then I'm tired of searching and of hurting people and of course making myself bloody miserable; why can't I be normal? I'm attractive and men want to have sex with me but all I want is companionship, laughter and non sexual touch.

Bring on my 40's and hopefully companions I can identify with and no more hurt x

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Midland Tyke
1 hour ago, Yeswap said:

Hi

 

I've just joined this site. I turned 40 in August. I too have hurt many people in my quest to find my lost libido. I gave up about 10 days ago having realised that yet another guy had fallen for me and would expect a sexual relationship. A failed marriage and many other failed sexual relationships since then I'm tired of searching and of hurting people and of course making myself bloody miserable; why can't I be normal? I'm attractive and men want to have sex with me but all I want is companionship, laughter and non sexual touch.

Bring on my 40's and hopefully companions I can identify with and no more hurt x

Welcome. The traditional welcome here is a piece of :cake:. You'll get more fancy pictures than that in due course from the new-members moderator and lots of links to resources on the site. I wont duplicate that (because I'd probably get it wrong, or miss things out).

 

But you've found this thread, which I started earlier this year, very soon after joining. I really wish you luck in your quest for 'companionship, laughter and non-sexual touch'. If I was 10 (ok 20) years younger I'd apply for consideration for the post right now!

 

I can tell you, though, that I've made some new friends here, which has resulted in

 

going on an alpine trekking holiday with one avenite

attending one of the meet-ups (the next one is soon)

several evenings at the theatre with another avenite

 

and I have arrangements to meet up with yet more avenites in places as diverse as France, Australia and Nottingham. There a chance I'll go to a meet-up in Iceland next year too.

 

I wish I'd found this place earlier. I hope that's a cheering message to receive!

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Teneuse

Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

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Skycaptain

@Yeswap, @Teneuse, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 :cake::cake:

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oldgeeza

I always knew I didn't like sex, even before I tried it, that only went to confirm my thoughts. It wasn't until late 2007 when in my early 40's, I googled "I don't like sex" it guided me to this site, I read up on it, like quite a few people have stated, it all described my thoughts and feelings, a little more research, I discovered that asexual was the appropriate term for me 

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DespicableMe

I'm 59 and had only previously heard the term asexual in reference to plants and things that could reproduce without sex.  When I read the article on the BBC website I recognised myself.

I didn't date in my teens, never came across anyone I liked enough to kiss, far less do anything else with.  Eventually I met someone when I was 26 and tbh quite liked the sex, although I never initiated it and could take it or leave it.  I realise now that it only worked because he was very unromantic, unemotional and undemanding.  I could cope with that.

I went on to marry someone who was romantic, emotional and wanted my active participation.  The bedroom became a battleground, needless to say we divorced.  I am happy that he has now found someone else and I didn't waste too much of his life/time, I really loved him though but it was like a brother and I still mourn the loss of him as a friend.

I suppose my ideal would be to have kept on seeing him as a friend whilst he lived with another partner - but that was never going to happen.  I think he would have been open to that but no 'normal' woman would wear sharing him.

So here I am on my own, not unhappy by any means but reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.  I don't get on with many people 😕

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Mocha Jo

Very much the same here. I have been married to a man and divorced with 2 kids, married to a woman who I thought (and still think) was my "one and only", and divorced. Now by myself, happy to be free of obligatory sex, but not happy to be alone. 

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Midland Tyke
6 hours ago, DespicableMe said:

reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.

now that you know what you are looking for, and have found a place (here) where people like that might be lurking, I'd say you are closer than you have ever been to finding someone suitable.

 

Welcome! :cake:

 

Yes, I am an optimist. By why not be?

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will123
11 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

I always knew I didn't like sex, even before I tried it, that only went to confirm my thoughts. It wasn't until late 2007 when in my early 40's, I googled "I don't like sex" it guided me to this site, I read up on it, like quite a few people have stated, it all described my thoughts and feelings, a little more research, I discovered that asexual was the appropriate term for me 

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

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will123
On 10/22/2017 at 6:57 PM, Teneuse said:

Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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will123
11 hours ago, DespicableMe said:

I'm 59 and had only previously heard the term asexual in reference to plants and things that could reproduce without sex.  When I read the article on the BBC website I recognised myself.

I didn't date in my teens, never came across anyone I liked enough to kiss, far less do anything else with.  Eventually I met someone when I was 26 and tbh quite liked the sex, although I never initiated it and could take it or leave it.  I realise now that it only worked because he was very unromantic, unemotional and undemanding.  I could cope with that.

I went on to marry someone who was romantic, emotional and wanted my active participation.  The bedroom became a battleground, needless to say we divorced.  I am happy that he has now found someone else and I didn't waste too much of his life/time, I really loved him though but it was like a brother and I still mourn the loss of him as a friend.

I suppose my ideal would be to have kept on seeing him as a friend whilst he lived with another partner - but that was never going to happen.  I think he would have been open to that but no 'normal' woman would wear sharing him.

So here I am on my own, not unhappy by any means but reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.  I don't get on with many people 😕

On the first bold, boy does that ever sound like me.

 

On the second bold, I read of an 'unconventional' arrangement involving one male and two females. I don't recall the details, but it seemed like everyone was contented in the set up.

 

 

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Yeswap
On 22/10/2017 at 11:57 PM, Teneuse said:

Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

Hi 

i can totally relate to thinking I’m a closet lesbian that even I don’t know about and that thinking there is something wrong with me.

We’re not alone, but sometimes it feels like it 

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pm_Tea
On 17/03/2017 at 11:22 PM, prib23 said:

always hated the term, " making love"

Me too!

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try again

All my life i was behaving like an aromantic asexual, but felt uneasy about it, because there were no "different" people around me. Not even a single LGBT person in sight. So now i am 29 and finally at peace with myself.

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Flipping hot curry

I’m 48 and I learned about the existence of asexuality last month. Looking back it explains SO MUCH.  dating in my teens without understanding that boys wanted more than friendship. I think I had maybe 5 boyfriends in high school & college & only had a real romantic feeling for one of them and I did have sex with him. It was ok but I couldn’t understand what the big fuss was.  I mean I had orgasms and was like ‘what’s the big deal?’

 

fast forward through college when I had several hookups without any relationship, because I just assumed I was supposed to like it. 

 

First marriage: went from ‘meh’ to actually dreading it. I didn’t want to be touched in any way, let alone sexually.  Short marriage.

 

second marriage: we’ve been married 17 years and I only enjoyed it when I had the biological urge to make babies.  All though this relationship my SO has been very HL and I accommodated his needs for a long time. For him, every physical touch seemed motivated by ‘maybe this will lead to sex.’ We stopped altogether about 2 years ago and I felt nothing but relief.  I didn’t know about asexuality and think it would have helped tremendously if I had.l, though our sexual incompatibly would probably have led to the same conclusion.  We are now divorcing partly because we couldn’t understand each other’s feelings about sex.  Also other things. But we have maintained a good friendship throughout the process, I feel he’s more like a favorite cousin to me.  I don’t have sexual feelings for him, or really at all.  Our kids are really confused because we get on so well now that sex is off the table.  I am grateful to the internet and this board for helping me understand myself, and realizing I’m not broken, just different.

 

Wondering if explaining all this to STBX would help him not feel personally rejected or sexually incompetent. 

 

TL;DR after 35 years of trying to understand and make sexual relationships work I am relieved to know that I don’t have to, and that’s OK.

Edited by Flipping hot curry
Edited to add question about whether or not to discuss with STBX

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