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Midland Tyke

How old were you when you found asexuality?

82 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, Little Owl said:

Wait... they don't? Doing things together or just sharing a space while doing our respective things (painting, writing, playing on the computer, reading...) is pretty much what I dream about, and what I'm happy to have with my husband. And boardgames of course, we play those too.

I only speak for myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm WTF-romantic, because it's a mess to me.

 

I don't think it's about the specific activities, it's kind of the feeling I get about them and the expectations. 

 

I dated a guy briefly, and we clearly had totally different romantic expectations. He was a football fanatic. I hate football. He invited me over and I didn't realize there was a game. My thought was, great! I wanted to get some reading done. So he turned on the television and I got out my book, sat down next to him and started reading.

 

He got upset and said he wanted to experience the game together, because that was important. I said I didn't want that, sitting around hanging out doing our own thing is better. He didn't get it. He turned off the television and said he was giving it up so we could do something we both liked. He wanted us to focus on each other. I thought it was weird. I don't want to sit around and "experience closeness". I just want to enjoy hanging out and being casual. He didn't get it. He broke up with me because I never wanted to get "serious"

 

------

 It's not the activities involved, it's the emotional expectations. I think in romance, you do things to get validation and strengthen the emotional bond. You want to exchange something, I guess? Like the activity is just a way to get closer to the person? I'm not sure what it is, but I don't think I want whatever it is.

 

The thought process is "I want to bond with X, so we'll do Y together and get closer"

----

In aromance, it focuses on the activities. You eventually get closer if you do a bunch, but it's not the primary goal. It's kind of a bonus. It's fun to do stuff with someone you really like -- the more you like the person, the better it is. 

 

The thought process is "I want to do Y, and I want X to be there so it will be a better experience."  

 

I think maybe so e people think that's shallow, but to me it makes sense. It's not better or worse, it's just different.

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I was 34 when I discovered asexuality.  I cant even remember how I came across it, but I remember finding AVEN and joining.  As I read thru the forums, I felt relief, finding others who felt like me! I had previously identified as straight and am married to an allosexual. Though now our marriage is failing, and asexuality is one reason. 

I'm still in the process of accepting my asexuality and what it means for me and my future.... But it is really weird going from thinking you are straight but broken, to asexual and other... head cannon

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22 hours ago, Velma said:

The thought process is "I want to do Y, and I want X to be there so it will be a better experience."  

 

... It's not better or worse, it's just different.

Well, what do you know. Maybe I should head over to the aro forums and look around. That's pretty much how I feel about people... You live and learn, as they say. I have just assumed being some flavour of romantic because I'm married.

 

I was thinking about this earlier and thought about the movie Princess Bride, which has some characters I admire but what I'd like to do with them would be to joke around and learn fencing and stuff like that.

 

23 hours ago, Velma said:

You eventually get closer if you do a bunch, but it's not the primary goal.

I suppose that's one of the things I have felt weird about. Because it takes really a lot to get close and I feel super uncomfortable when someone tries on purpose. I don't see the point. We'll get close when enough time has been spent in each others' company. Augh! sorry, I think some of the interpersonal frustration is sloshing about. Really, I want to thank you for explaining!

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I was 35, I'm currently,  35.  I found out about a month ago when I saw a link on Facebook about Tim Gunn and other famous Asexuals. My jaw just feel open as I read each one.  I immediately started doing searches to learn more.  It hurts a little to be from this small town where I'll most likely not find another asexual to be with and share my life's ups & downs with but I'm kinda ok with that. 

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I think I might've posted on here, but I remembered an age, so, I was around six, there was the girl in first grade who would not leave me alone, I genuinely did not want to be her friend, but one day I went off on her on the playground, I told her to leave me alone and I did not want to be her friend, but that brat started crying and some other kids around were like "Don't be mean to her", and I, the little sociopath, started fake crying and saying some bull like "I have no friends", which worked they left me alone XD

 

But the girl kept sticking to me, following me everywhere, and she kept calling my house, and my mom would answer the phone and make me talk to her, until one day I wouldn't XD.

 

But one day this brat kissed my check! I remember it like it was yesterday, my mom would give me suckers for classmates, and I gave her one (actually being nice for a change), and she violated my personal space, in the worst way possible, and I screamed to my teacher "EW, SHE KISSED MY CHEEK", and everyone else started laughing...I was NOT laughing, and THAT BRAT started crying, I was like, "Really....YOU have the audacity to start crying", I was pissed, if anyone should've been crying it was me!

 

Fast forward to second grade, I always played with the guy, who was basically my best friend, we made up the weirdest games and always held hands, this kid randomly saw us holding hands and said "What, do you two like each other or something?", And we dropped hands and never spoke again (and I mean NEVER, we went to the same high school, and we're in band together but NEVER SPOKE XD)

 

THEN, there were two guys in high school, one was a sax player I dated for two weeks, (lol) but it felt extremely wrong, like I couldn't even hold hands without a brick sitting in my stomach. Then there's the guy I currently like and have liked since ninth grade, a clarinetist, and I felt weird because I really liked him but couldn't show him normal affection. Man, my life is dramatic, so I hope this at least entertains you. XD.

 

(PS. Please don't judge me for being a mean kid. P.P.S. fun fact about the clarinet guy, our section leader in band said we would make a cute couple the same day I met him, I was a bit mortified because it happened in front of everyone else, I don't even think I looked at him XD)

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I first heard the term in 2004 or so, when I was about 20, but didn't think much of it at the time. I'd known I wasn't attracted to anybody as far back as high school, but for whatever reason I didn't really attribute my lack of attraction to anything innate. It wasn't until I was at least 30 that I started to consider the possibility I was simply asexual, after coming back across the idea, and have only being using the word for myself for about a year or two.

 

It's interesting to see the broad range of ages people make this discovery.

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35

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I found out in...March or April, so...32. I had a small inkling but started reading g articles just as an ally. Then, I decided to take an online quiz. Then another, and another...and 5 tests later, I realized the way I felt had a name: demisexual. It was a scary and exciting feeling.

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I think I was 29.  :wacko:

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I was 21. Previously I'd just assumed I was straight so I got myself into a few heterosexual relationships hoping that at some point something would click and I'd feel how I was 'supposed' to feel. It didn't really work - my experiences in those relationships ranged from just disappointing to outright traumatic. 

 

I discovered asexuality by chance after my last (and worst) relationship ended, when a friend shared a post about it on Tumblr and I realised that actually, that described me pretty well, and provided a reason for why all my relationships had gone so badly; so I researched it a bit further and figured out that yes, actually I was pretty sure that was me. I was relieved that there was a name for my experiences, and that actually I wasn't the only one!

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I was 26. I'd never desired sex, but in high school I just assumed I was a late bloomer. In college, I assumed I'd want sex when I fell in love. When it never happened, I started to think I was broken. I don't remember how I learned that asexuality was a thing, but I distinctly remember finding AVEN ten years ago. I was at work, and I sat in my office and cried like a baby - it wasn't just me, and I wasn't broken. I still have to remind myself of that from time to time.

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Hey folks. I've been away so long  I'm pretty much new again. I can't say I 'found' it, I just finally found a name for it in 2003. I've always been comfortable in my skin and never had that 'inner turmoil' of 'what am I' that people talk of. I'm a writer and while sociable, a bit of an introvert so I didn't have to explain myself to anyone. Tried dating - it was abysmal so it was just as well that I backed off LOL.

I had a girlfriend for a few years but a bunch of stuff happened a few years back. She was deciding she was no longer asexual and decided to start chasing men, my mother got killed by a drunk driver and I distanced myself from everyone and everything for awhile as my father just gave up and died, too. It was an amicable break up and she was happy with her guy. Unfortunately she passed away in her sleep (pneumonia) last year. I'm not being the wailing widow BTW, just  grieving friend.

Life is somewhat getting 'normal' now - to those who are younger and still having inner turmoil, just be comfortable in the skin you're in. We live in a very uptight world, treat yourself well.

 

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As many others have stated, self-discovery is an ongoing process that is constantly changing as more information comes to light. Let me tell you, it is easier to find an identity that fits when you have more labels and classifications to work with.  Growing up, there was only one default setting - guys liked girls, girls liked guys, you grow up, get married and have kids.

 

Little was known, or taught about homosexuality, let alone other identities on the sexuality and gender spectrum.  The only impression I had from society was that if you didn't follow the default setting, you were broken.  Even now, as society feels so focused on sex, if you don't follow the new default setting, you are broken.  I guess that is all changing now with more awareness.

 

As a teenager, I thought I was just busy because I didn't have time to get a girlfriend.

As a twenty year old, I thought I was just religious because I went to service more often than going to to clubs.

As a twenty-three year old, I thought I was inexperienced, because even though I liked girls, sex was awkward, uncomfortable and (sometimes) ending in tears.

At twenty-five, I thought I was gay, because maybe I didn't like sex because maybe I didn't like girls.

At twenty-six, well, wasn't gay...

At twenty-nine, I met the girl of my dreams, dated for a while, but it ended because I didn't sleep with her, although cared for her very much.  I thought that love, companionship and closeness would be enough, because sex was awkward, uncomfortable and (more often now) ending in tears.

At thirty, as my relationship faltered, I went to therapy and took medication assuming it was a chemical imbalance.

And now here we are, at age thirty-three, still finding my way around the world, trying to find a place where people can relate to my experiences.  Maybe I've found it, maybe not.  Time will tell no doubt.

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I see this is your first post on AVEN. As the OP (original poster) of this thread, may I welcome you, with our traditional welcome, a piece of :cake:

 

You ought to receive a more formal welcome by one of the mods. I'm hoping that @kelico is the right person to do that.

 

I've only been here just over 3 months. I've found it a very welcoming place. I hope you do too.

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It just kind of filtered into me, as things often do with me, then finally something went "click!" I grew up in a small town in Georgia, child of the fifties and oc thought  marriage and kids was my Destiny 🙄 I was a tomboy but also loved swings. Liked dolls but also trucks. Wanted to study woodworking instead of home economics and semaphore and sign language in scouts (only for boy scouts!) yet got badges in skating. Studied ballet and tiptap but spent hours flying down hills on my bike. A kind of mix, which confounded my elementary teachers. The fact that I argued with them didn't help. In high school I never had a date, a fact I noted only on my last day of school, with mild wonder. Had girl friends and friends who were boys, and was happier climbing a water tower than painting my toenails. I had crushes on a few boys and a couple on girls, and more on grown men lol but they were all just a feeling, not focused; my idea of a good time was to talk for hours or do things together. I had some sexual feeling but not as regards anyone else. After school I visited Italy and ended up moving here and marrying an Italian. I do love the man, even after 50 years of a fairly disastrous sex? life, and I adore our 3 grown kids. I wish I had known I was asexual, so much hassle would have been avoided. I thought I was broken, he was sure of it, and we kept trying to fix me. I seem somehow to have survived that, but I bear the scars. I felt I was sort of neutral, I wanted to look androgynous instead of feminine. One daywhile driving and thinking I said, "I think I'm asexual!" Fruit of snippets and mentions and some research..I think I was 65. To make a long story short :blink:

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I Knew for sure at i think it was 28. 

As a teen i was more attracted to women then men, so identified as a lesbian. I never really thought about sex with another girl or guy at the time, and it never really crossed my mind that it was odd. Later i became attracted to a guy i knew well, so i thought maybe i was pansexual as i didn't really care about the persons gender or looks, but fell for the person for their personality. I ended up dating the guy, i think i was 20/21 and the relationship broke down due to him being pretty emotionally crippled is the best way i can say. He just could not learn to open up and talk or trust. A few years later, i ended up dating a girl who i had dated briefly as a young teenager. Again more down to personality so i stuck with the pansexual thing, thinking that once we get physical i will 'get in to the mood' as it is someone i personally like.   
Turns out that was reallly reallly wrong.   Under cut for more detail (not really tmi though) if you want to know. 

 

Spoiler

Pretty much we went as far as staying the night a few times and kissing and touching with tops off.   She was bizarrely sensitive to touch so responded to pretty much everything and i was the polar opposite. Anywhere she did touch i did not get a positive physical reaction. Just felt like any kind of touch like for example a hand shake.
I am very ticklish on my back, if you touch my lower back and sides i jolt forward to get away. She ended up tickling me by accident one night and thinking i was finally responding and kept trying to stroke my back even after i said no.. Not actually nice.   I ended up really dreading the idea of staying over, knowing she would want to be physical and while i didn't mind making her feel good, but not getting anything out of that personally.  I really grew uncomfortable with the idea of her trying to do the same for me.  


So after that relationship finished i came to realise i was asexual. I find myself still wanting some type of relationship/companionship in the sense i would like to have a person to come home and watch tv with or chat to. Much like living with a best friend i guess. But not wanting the relationship touching side. Like, hugs and hand holding is fine but i don't want and never have enjoyed things like kissing, or anything past that. 
 

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7 hours ago, Midland Tyke said:

I see this is your first post on AVEN. As the OP (original poster) of this thread, may I welcome you, with our traditional welcome, a piece of :cake:

 

You ought to receive a more formal welcome by one of the mods. I'm hoping that @kelico is the right person to do that.

 

I've only been here just over 3 months. I've found it a very welcoming place. I hope you do too.

I normally stick to doing the welcome posts in the Welcome Lounge, but thanks for the tag! I'll do a welcome here then! : ) 

 

8 hours ago, aalkimos said:

As many others have stated, self-discovery is an ongoing process that is constantly changing as more information comes to light. Let me tell you, it is easier to find an identity that fits when you have more labels and classifications to work with.  Growing up, there was only one default setting - guys liked girls, girls liked guys, you grow up, get married and have kids.

 

Little was known, or taught about homosexuality, let alone other identities on the sexuality and gender spectrum.  The only impression I had from society was that if you didn't follow the default setting, you were broken.  Even now, as society feels so focused on sex, if you don't follow the new default setting, you are broken.  I guess that is all changing now with more awareness.

 

As a teenager, I thought I was just busy because I didn't have time to get a girlfriend.

As a twenty year old, I thought I was just religious because I went to service more often than going to to clubs.

As a twenty-three year old, I thought I was inexperienced, because even though I liked girls, sex was awkward, uncomfortable and (sometimes) ending in tears.

At twenty-five, I thought I was gay, because maybe I didn't like sex because maybe I didn't like girls.

At twenty-six, well, wasn't gay...

At twenty-nine, I met the girl of my dreams, dated for a while, but it ended because I didn't sleep with her, although cared for her very much.  I thought that love, companionship and closeness would be enough, because sex was awkward, uncomfortable and (more often now) ending in tears.

At thirty, as my relationship faltered, I went to therapy and took medication assuming it was a chemical imbalance.

And now here we are, at age thirty-three, still finding my way around the world, trying to find a place where people can relate to my experiences.  Maybe I've found it, maybe not.  Time will tell no doubt.

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: If you'd like to create an introduction in the Welcome Lounge, that would be awesome!! Then you could get even more welcomes! I'm glad that you made your way here and joined. : ) I hope you enjoy being a member!

 

Now I shall give you the helpful information I tend to give people in WL, in addition to cake!

 

Spoiler

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

Image result for vanille cake

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5 hours ago, Lilsi said:

I find myself still wanting some type of relationship/companionship in the sense i would like to have a person to come home and watch tv with or chat to. Much like living with a best friend i guess. But not wanting the relationship touching side. Like, hugs and hand holding is fine but i don't want and never have enjoyed things like kissing, or anything past that.

Pretty much this.

Although I have occasionally enjoyed kissing 'and beyond' it was only ever to the extent that it said something about the friendship/relationship. An emotional pleasure, not a physical one. I suppose that makes me romantic? I'll have to read the definitions at some point. 

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I always knew I was different, even in my teens in the 1970s.
Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out the problem, and so I lurched from one disastrous relationship to another, thinking I was 'broken' in some way.
I first heard the word 'asexual' in the late 70s.
Then later, I became aware of an asexual group on Yahoo, which predated AVEN.

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I only became aware of asexuality a few years ago. I'm 61 and all my life I thought I was just odd. I knew as a teenager I was different, I didn't have crushes, I couldn't understand when girls got pregnant accidentally saying "it just happened" and watching TV and films where people started kissing and ended in bed, it all seemed very "animal" to me. 

 

Anyway, if you check out my last post, you'll see what happened in my life. I'll not repeat myself. 

 

About 10 years ago I got involved in web based games, and the forums there had quite diverse people, young and mature, and various sexual orientations, when I saw a mention of asexuality and I researched it i realised that was me all along. I wasn't an oddity, or a freak, I was asexual. Everything made sense, and I also realised that I'm quite happy to be so, I can't imagine having sex constantly on my mind, my mind is clear to be a pretty good problem solver. :-)

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Only a few years ago, after my marriage broke down, I was 31 back then. I was still doubting it all and just thinking I was broken or maybe my hormones were seriously out of balance (for all my life? hmmm unlikely). Only this year I finally realized - this is me, this is who I am, no doubt about it.   

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well, i found out i belonged on the asexual spectrum when i was 12, and i was struggling with who i am for 2 years almost. (i thought i was bisexual for a bit then i realized that i dont like that stuff and went to asexual, to demisexual, to graysexual, to bisexual, to gray-asexual which is now. i think  that being a gray-ace is what i truly am (: )

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