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How old were you when you found asexuality?


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I found the site last week. It's I'm 51 and have just been maintaining a polo shirt and jeans neutral presentation to the world. At high school when everyone was attracted to everyone else, I was  happy being a geek and left out of that dance. Remember this was pre Internet explosion and Gary Gygax had recently brought Dungeons and Dragons into the world.  I didn't date and no one asked me out. Even then I had a gender neutral vibe and called sir by people who weren't paying all that much attention to who they were talking to. There was no real way to find much lgbtqia information during the early to mid 80's, it was probably out there but I had no idea how to look for it. In my 30's I started identifying as Lesbian. I do find women much more attractive than men but I still don't want to have sex with either.  By my 40s, and a couple failed relationships, I just stopped trying to be a part of the sexual world. It didn't fit or I didn't fit it. Accepting who I am and opting to not try to fit a social mold that no amount of yoga would could bend me into was a freeing moment. I don't mind my life even though I still feel a bit removed from what is going on around me, but that might just be me getting lost in my head again. I write some, and read a lot more. Its through reading and a well explained ace character in a book that brought me here, where I am starting to get an idea of how to define me properly. It's a pleasure to meet everyone. 

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20 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

Hey! Where do you come from in South Europe? I can rely so much on your story. 

Portugal.  I think that around here somehow, people  - sometimes even younger generations  - are way more unaware of asexuality than in northern countries.

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@Fen at your age doesn't it feel like a relief to find out? I know it was for me when I found out about asexuality in my 40s.

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@will123 yes it does. It's amazing to put words to all the internal things that run around inside and be able to understand them. The real relief comes with finding that we are not alone and that others do understand.

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On 23/03/2017 at 0:21 AM, Mocha Jo said:

59 and 2 failed marriages. I am mostly sorry that I made 2 other people who I loved miserable along with myself.

Hi

 

I've just joined this site. I turned 40 in August. I too have hurt many people in my quest to find my lost libido. I gave up about 10 days ago having realised that yet another guy had fallen for me and would expect a sexual relationship. A failed marriage and many other failed sexual relationships since then I'm tired of searching and of hurting people and of course making myself bloody miserable; why can't I be normal? I'm attractive and men want to have sex with me but all I want is companionship, laughter and non sexual touch.

Bring on my 40's and hopefully companions I can identify with and no more hurt x

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1 hour ago, Yeswap said:

Hi

 

I've just joined this site. I turned 40 in August. I too have hurt many people in my quest to find my lost libido. I gave up about 10 days ago having realised that yet another guy had fallen for me and would expect a sexual relationship. A failed marriage and many other failed sexual relationships since then I'm tired of searching and of hurting people and of course making myself bloody miserable; why can't I be normal? I'm attractive and men want to have sex with me but all I want is companionship, laughter and non sexual touch.

Bring on my 40's and hopefully companions I can identify with and no more hurt x

Welcome. The traditional welcome here is a piece of :cake:. You'll get more fancy pictures than that in due course from the new-members moderator and lots of links to resources on the site. I wont duplicate that (because I'd probably get it wrong, or miss things out).

 

But you've found this thread, which I started earlier this year, very soon after joining. I really wish you luck in your quest for 'companionship, laughter and non-sexual touch'. If I was 10 (ok 20) years younger I'd apply for consideration for the post right now!

 

I can tell you, though, that I've made some new friends here, which has resulted in

 

going on an alpine trekking holiday with one avenite

attending one of the meet-ups (the next one is soon)

several evenings at the theatre with another avenite

 

and I have arrangements to meet up with yet more avenites in places as diverse as France, Australia and Nottingham. There a chance I'll go to a meet-up in Iceland next year too.

 

I wish I'd found this place earlier. I hope that's a cheering message to receive!

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Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

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@Yeswap, @Teneuse, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 :cake::cake:

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I always knew I didn't like sex, even before I tried it, that only went to confirm my thoughts. It wasn't until late 2007 when in my early 40's, I googled "I don't like sex" it guided me to this site, I read up on it, like quite a few people have stated, it all described my thoughts and feelings, a little more research, I discovered that asexual was the appropriate term for me 

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I'm 59 and had only previously heard the term asexual in reference to plants and things that could reproduce without sex.  When I read the article on the BBC website I recognised myself.

I didn't date in my teens, never came across anyone I liked enough to kiss, far less do anything else with.  Eventually I met someone when I was 26 and tbh quite liked the sex, although I never initiated it and could take it or leave it.  I realise now that it only worked because he was very unromantic, unemotional and undemanding.  I could cope with that.

I went on to marry someone who was romantic, emotional and wanted my active participation.  The bedroom became a battleground, needless to say we divorced.  I am happy that he has now found someone else and I didn't waste too much of his life/time, I really loved him though but it was like a brother and I still mourn the loss of him as a friend.

I suppose my ideal would be to have kept on seeing him as a friend whilst he lived with another partner - but that was never going to happen.  I think he would have been open to that but no 'normal' woman would wear sharing him.

So here I am on my own, not unhappy by any means but reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.  I don't get on with many people 😕

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Very much the same here. I have been married to a man and divorced with 2 kids, married to a woman who I thought (and still think) was my "one and only", and divorced. Now by myself, happy to be free of obligatory sex, but not happy to be alone. 

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6 hours ago, DespicableMe said:

reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.

now that you know what you are looking for, and have found a place (here) where people like that might be lurking, I'd say you are closer than you have ever been to finding someone suitable.

 

Welcome! :cake:

 

Yes, I am an optimist. By why not be?

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11 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

I always knew I didn't like sex, even before I tried it, that only went to confirm my thoughts. It wasn't until late 2007 when in my early 40's, I googled "I don't like sex" it guided me to this site, I read up on it, like quite a few people have stated, it all described my thoughts and feelings, a little more research, I discovered that asexual was the appropriate term for me 

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

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On 10/22/2017 at 6:57 PM, Teneuse said:

Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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11 hours ago, DespicableMe said:

I'm 59 and had only previously heard the term asexual in reference to plants and things that could reproduce without sex.  When I read the article on the BBC website I recognised myself.

I didn't date in my teens, never came across anyone I liked enough to kiss, far less do anything else with.  Eventually I met someone when I was 26 and tbh quite liked the sex, although I never initiated it and could take it or leave it.  I realise now that it only worked because he was very unromantic, unemotional and undemanding.  I could cope with that.

I went on to marry someone who was romantic, emotional and wanted my active participation.  The bedroom became a battleground, needless to say we divorced.  I am happy that he has now found someone else and I didn't waste too much of his life/time, I really loved him though but it was like a brother and I still mourn the loss of him as a friend.

I suppose my ideal would be to have kept on seeing him as a friend whilst he lived with another partner - but that was never going to happen.  I think he would have been open to that but no 'normal' woman would wear sharing him.

So here I am on my own, not unhappy by any means but reconciled never to meet someone (a man) who is like me and who I actually get on with.  I don't get on with many people 😕

On the first bold, boy does that ever sound like me.

 

On the second bold, I read of an 'unconventional' arrangement involving one male and two females. I don't recall the details, but it seemed like everyone was contented in the set up.

 

 

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On 22/10/2017 at 11:57 PM, Teneuse said:

Hi there - first-time poster, and glad to be here!

 

I'm 43, and I *think* I'm just figuring it out right now. Someone above posted about being the "weird friend who never dated" - and that's totally me! Tons of good friends (both female and male), no relationships, although I've had a few hetero-crushes that in retrospect I realize were very asexual in nature. I also have a long history of being the "Grace" to a number of "Wills" - although that pattern has faded as I've aged. I had a friend in grad school who told another friend of mine that he thought I "just didn't care" when it came to being in a relationship - and while I was offended at the time, I think he was picking up on something that I didn't see yet. (I do suspect I'm hetero-romantic, so he didn't have it quite right, but still.)

 

Honestly, my big moment came when watching the "Todd realizes he's ace" ep of BoJack Horseman a few months ago. I had long tried to figure out if I was such a closeted lesbian that even I didn't know or if there was something 'wrong' with me - and then I watched that episode and was like "Holy s**t that is me!" I suspect I'm not the only person who had that reaction, and I'm so glad that they are doing that storyline.

 

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone!

Hi 

i can totally relate to thinking I’m a closet lesbian that even I don’t know about and that thinking there is something wrong with me.

We’re not alone, but sometimes it feels like it 

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All my life i was behaving like an aromantic asexual, but felt uneasy about it, because there were no "different" people around me. Not even a single LGBT person in sight. So now i am 29 and finally at peace with myself.

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Flipping hot curry

I’m 48 and I learned about the existence of asexuality last month. Looking back it explains SO MUCH.  dating in my teens without understanding that boys wanted more than friendship. I think I had maybe 5 boyfriends in high school & college & only had a real romantic feeling for one of them and I did have sex with him. It was ok but I couldn’t understand what the big fuss was.  I mean I had orgasms and was like ‘what’s the big deal?’

 

fast forward through college when I had several hookups without any relationship, because I just assumed I was supposed to like it. 

 

First marriage: went from ‘meh’ to actually dreading it. I didn’t want to be touched in any way, let alone sexually.  Short marriage.

 

second marriage: we’ve been married 17 years and I only enjoyed it when I had the biological urge to make babies.  All though this relationship my SO has been very HL and I accommodated his needs for a long time. For him, every physical touch seemed motivated by ‘maybe this will lead to sex.’ We stopped altogether about 2 years ago and I felt nothing but relief.  I didn’t know about asexuality and think it would have helped tremendously if I had.l, though our sexual incompatibly would probably have led to the same conclusion.  We are now divorcing partly because we couldn’t understand each other’s feelings about sex.  Also other things. But we have maintained a good friendship throughout the process, I feel he’s more like a favorite cousin to me.  I don’t have sexual feelings for him, or really at all.  Our kids are really confused because we get on so well now that sex is off the table.  I am grateful to the internet and this board for helping me understand myself, and realizing I’m not broken, just different.

 

Wondering if explaining all this to STBX would help him not feel personally rejected or sexually incompetent. 

 

TL;DR after 35 years of trying to understand and make sexual relationships work I am relieved to know that I don’t have to, and that’s OK.

Edited by Flipping hot curry
Edited to add question about whether or not to discuss with STBX
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  • 5 months later...

unashamedly (or maybe just a little :blush:) bumping this thread that I started last year because there's so much to relate in here. And I've seen a more recent thread with almost exactly the same title. Maybe they could be merged by someone who knows how? 

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Hello everyone in this thread! It's amazing to see so many people learning more about asexuality, and that it doesn't matter what age you realize it at. And I think that's fantastic.

 

Now to talk about myself, har har.

 

I first found out about asexuality sometime in 2012 I think? I had a friend that was a fan of going to these LGBT+ events for high-schoolers and above [max age attendance was 20 I think?]. I agreed to go along, since at the time I considered myself a strong ally, and possibly bi-sexual. At this event you would introduce yourself, your pronouns, gender, and sexuality.

 

It was at my first one I heard someone call themselves asexual. I had briefly read about it on Tumblr sometime that summer, but I still wasn't 100% sure of what it was. It was at this point I realized, "Shit I might not be bi-sexual after all." The only reason I even considered bi-sexuality was because I couldn't decide if I was "attracted" to women or men. My lame high school self thought this was obviously because I was bi!

 

Boy was I wrong.

 

Around 2013 I started tentatively considering myself asexual, and it seemed kinda right. The other asexuals that I met and socialized with were not the same as me though. One was sex-repulsed, and I'm not sex-repulsed, so I thought, once again, "Shit, maybe I'm not ace?" But after several years of dabbling in the ace spectrum and realizing that asexuality doesn't mean sexual repulsion, I am finally, FINALLY, comfortable with considering myself asexual! :D

 

That was my "journey" so to speak, I'm curious to hear more! Oh yeah, I'm also 22. So I had my first doubts when I was 17 ish.

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Hi @darvyn. I love the 'finally' part of your story (well, I like it all, really). Twenty two, ha ha! It's great that you've found yourself at such a young age (believe me, 22 is young), with virtually all your adult life ahead of you. Knowing yourself is a great start to finding a life that suits you and you can enjoy.

 

Welcome to AVEN, and thanks for your contribution. I hope you've already found what a welcoming bunch we are.

 

:cake:

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Thanks for bumping this up, @Midland Tyke!  It was nice (and helpful!) to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences.

 

I first learned about asexuality (in the human sexual spectrum sense) sometime in 2012, when I was 49.  Like several others have said here, it wasn’t a thing in the pre-Internet days of my youth; then, you were straight or broken.  I made some gay friends in theatre when I was in my late teens - they were adults - and learned relationships were more complicated than I’d been taught, but it was still decades before I finally entered modern fandom spaces and came across the term asexuality.

 

Looking back I was always different, but I missed this particular difference because I grew up generally different (too smart, not girly enough, too tall, not pretty enough, interested in the wrong things) in a school district where that was a 100% guaranteed route to lots of awful bullying.  Fitting in was so critical there, and I totally failed at it.  Once I did finally ensnare a boyfriend I clung to him like kudzu.  TMI: fortunately for me - although I didn’t yet realize I wasn’t going to get much out of sex - he was happy with just handjobs.

 

My subsequent relationships all included sex.  I had been taught sex was essential to being able to earn and have a relationship and did it because I was supposed to.  It wasn’t too bad as long as the focus was on keeping my (male) partner happy; it was only when someone insisted on returning the favor (and then invariably got mad when it didn’t work) that the whole situation made me really uncomfortable.  Most of my relationships ended because of something sex-related, at least in part because I could not sustain frequency over time.

 

In 2012 I visited AVEN but denial (so many people saying mixed relationships are doomed!  All the aces saying they didn’t masturbate and had never had sex!) drove me away.  Two or three years ago I finally started admitting to people that I am ace and really feeling comfortable about it.

 

A few months ago my husband of 20 years - who I’d erroneously thought might also be ace - announced he was done with our “sexless friendship.”  He has since wavered and we are in counseling but things still seem to be headed in that direction.  In the event they do, I don’t think I will date anyone sexual again.

 

I’ve thought I was not aro, because I enjoy being in relationships (except the sex part!), but reading this thread - with its references to enjoying sharing experienced with others - today has made me wonder about that as well.  Standard romantic gestures and talk of “making love” and “love languages” make my skin crawl, but I do greatly enjoy sharing my life with someone.  I guess that’s the next thing I need to figure out. :)

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There are a lot of common patterns to the stories on here, aren't there @ryn2? Our generation (sorry to lump you into the same age bracket as me. but it's less than 10 years and that will do for me <_<) had no way of finding out about something that had no name, did we?

 

Too tall? Too not-girly? Too smart? Not good-looking enough? I'd describe my teenage self in pretty much the same way (except not manly enough). 

 

It seems to me that Aven will be a good place for you this time round. I really hope that you and your husband can find a solution that maintains your relationship. Twenty plus years is a long time to discard... 

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Thanks for the good wishes, @Midland Tyke, and I’m not the least bit offended about being lumped into one demographic. :)

 

Yes, there are a lot of common themes!

 

I hope things work out as well, but I’ll muddle through regardless.  It’s definitely helpful being here.

 

The irony?  I only got into modern fandom to start with because my husband was on me to “get a hobby.”  :lol:

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@ryn2

 

Quote

Once I did finally ensnare a boyfriend I clung to him like kudzu.  TMI: fortunately for me - although I didn’t yet realize I wasn’t going to get much out of sex - he was happy with just handjobs.

I have no idea if I had consented to sex with my friend how things would've gone.

 

I'm pretty sure intercourse was what she had in mind.

  

 

To expand on what @Bronztrooper posted elsewhere. At the time before I found out about asexuality, I was really conflicted in what I wanted or thought. When I tried to explain to Suzanne my reason for me not seeing us having sex, I probably (in her eyes) made absolutely no sense. "Before we have sex, we should be more of a relationship, but I'm not ready to be in one".

 

Internally, I just couldn't get my head around her 'having me inside of her'. This was in addition to having sex would be a big 'breach' of my personal space. We could hug, but actual sexual contact whatever the 'extent' was a line I couldn't cross either.

 

This happened in my late 30s. It was probably the worst stretch in my life. I always thought at one point I'd have sex, but when confronted with the prospect of actually having intercourse with a person, I just couldn't handle it and figuratively ran away.

 

When I found out about human sexuality a few years later when I was 44 (after starting a friendship with another girl who has hardly if ever mentioned sex), I felt so much better. It was a relief to find out there were others that weren't interested (and happy) in having sex.

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I remember telling a (male) coworker years ago that I had literally never been asked out once in my life (subsequently I was... once; I was in a relationship and declined).  He said I gave off the vibe that I was unavailable.

 

Maybe that wasn’t it, exactly...

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The word asexual had only meanings for me that I associated with botany. I didn't apply it to myself until I was 63. I did think of myself as androgynous.

What is really making me happy right now is remembering how much studying liverworts excited me once. Their way of reproducing is really neat. I had forgotten all about them.

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15 minutes ago, froglady said:

The word asexual had only meanings for me that I associated with botany.

That is what I would've answered when I was 43 if you had asked me about the word asexual. I remember learning about hydras in high school.

 

Quote

When food is plentiful, many Hydra reproduce asexually by producing buds in the body wall, which grow to be miniature adults and break away when they are mature. When a hydra is well fed, a new bud can form every two days.[5] When conditions are harsh, often before winter or in poor feeding conditions, sexual reproduction occurs in some Hydra. Swellings in the body wall develop into either an ovary or testes. The testes release free-swimming gametes into the water, and these can fertilize the egg in the ovary of another individual. The fertilized eggs secrete a tough outer coating, and, as the adult dies (due to starvation and/or cold), these resting eggs fall to the bottom of the lake or pond to await better conditions, whereupon they hatch into nymph Hydra. Some, like Hydra circumcincta and Hydra viridissima, are hermaphrodites[6] and may produce both testes and an ovary at the same time.

I had no idea that the term could be applied to humans.

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38 minutes ago, will123 said:

I had no idea that the term could be applied to humans.

And in a way that means something so different!

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