How old were you when you found asexuality?

[StrangerThing]

I think I started to realize it last year at 37.  I came here, lurked for a bit, created an account, but wasn't confident in jumping in. It was difficult to really figure out since I had misconceptions about asexuality. Part of me thought "Yes, this is me!" and another part was just like "But I love to kiss and make out! I'm not sex-repulsed at all! Maybe I just haven't found the right person to get me interested."

 

I've learned more and more that ace looks like a lot of different things. Finally, I feel like I'm ready to start embracing it. 

[Tyke]

4 hours ago, StrangerThing said:

Finally, I feel like I'm ready to start embracing it. 

Welcome! 

 

If you have been lurking, you may know your way around the site. But I'll point out that there is a for 30-somethings thread. And an Asexual women thread that you might find interesting.

[grbt98]

I felt generally disinterested from the time everyone else began showing interest around me, but I only started understanding the terms in a more solid fashion after coming here so... almost 30. Then, upon finding the 20-somethings thread and the 30-somethings thread and feeling sorta in between those, I thought... dammit, I still don't fit anywhere. *sigh*

[will123]

On 8/23/2017 at 6:46 AM, StrangerThing said:

I think I started to realize it last year at 37.  I came here, lurked for a bit, created an account, but wasn't confident in jumping in. It was difficult to really figure out since I had misconceptions about asexuality. Part of me thought "Yes, this is me!" and another part was just like "But I love to kiss and make out! I'm not sex-repulsed at all! Maybe I just haven't found the right person to get me interested."

 

I've learned more and more that ace looks like a lot of different things. Finally, I feel like I'm ready to start embracing it. 

On the green highlight, I was never 'afraid' of sex or the act, just not that interested and/or confident about it. However when I was asked directly about sexual activity, I was a definite, "No". On the red, that's what I was afraid my friend (that I came out to) would say and try to talk me out of my decision. As it was, he was quite supportive of my thoughts.

 

Oh and for those that haven't read my earlier posts, but I was in my early to mid 40s when I found out about asexuality and AVEN. Props to either the National Post or Toronto Sun for having an article 10 or 12 years ago about people that had no sexual attraction and/or interest. AVEN was mentioned in it. I checked it out and thought, "That sounds like me". I didn't lurk for long and kind of put it to the back of my mind and went on. For some reason I looked up AVEN this year and took an active interest in the discussion online about my identity.

 

I'm quite happy about about who I am now, though I don't feel the need to scream out to the world that I'm asexual.

 

 

[Rosendust]

I was 21(I'm 23 now)  when I did some research and started questioning a few things. I have to say though, I am finally happy in my own skin and what I desire from a relationship.

[plclark]

A few months ago. I saw the A on the LGBTQ+ information I was reading. I'm a researcher at heart so ... I did just that and found myself described in perfect detail.  I am on the Autistic Spectrum with Asperger's Syndrome, and I am well acquainted with being different. I thought the  lack of sexual desire was part of the Syndrome, now I know that isn't true. At 76 a whole new community has opened up to me, and I'm so happy to be in it.

[will123]

W

5 hours ago, plclark said:

A few months ago. I saw the A on the LGBTQ+ information I was reading. I'm a researcher at heart so ... I did just that and found myself described in perfect detail.  I am on the Autistic Spectrum with Asperger's Syndrome, and I am well acquainted with being different. I thought the  lack of sexual desire was part of the Syndrome, now I know that isn't true. At 76 a whole new community has opened up to me, and I'm so happy to be in it.

Welcome to AVEN!

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Had never heard of it, and had no idea there were other people out there like me (as with many others, I think, I thought something must be "wrong" with me), until a few years after a 10 year relationship ended. It was 7 years ago I found AVEN and discovered what asexuality was and that it was a "thing"! (That is, that I wasn't the only one!) So, 7 years ago, I was 37.

 

I started researching after I was attracted to someone (I am romantic), but turned down the going out for coffee because I didn't want it to potentially end up with the possibility of sex.

[lux aeterna]

4 hours ago, Crazy Cat Lady said:

Had never heard of it, and had no idea there were other people out there like me (as with many others, I think, I thought something must be "wrong" with me), until a few years after a 10 year relationship ended. It was 7 years ago I found AVEN and discovered what asexuality was and that it was a "thing"! (That is, that I wasn't the only one!) So, 7 years ago, I was 37.

 

I started researching after I was attracted to someone (I am romantic), but turned down the going out for coffee because I didn't want it to potentially end up with the possibility of sex.

Yep, I think that happened to all us and to me recently. It's a fact that we have to get used to regarding dating. It is more difficult for us than for others.

[lilgroundhog]

It was earlier this year (I'm in my early 30s) that I started figuring things out.  I just never seem to get the whole dating thing, assumed I was too focused on other things, wasn't until dealing with a few of what I'm now realizing were squishes that the idea of being touched sexually freaked me out. Even the idea of my male friends showing romantic interest made me do a double take and go "wait, what, no"

[@RealTracy]

I think I was 35 years old. My whole world changed that day.

 

[Strawberry ice cream]

Almost a year ago, I was 39.

[Perilous Poozer]

41, a couple of months ago. Never had any issue with sex as a concept or other people having it but had no desire for romantic relationships until 28. I used to joke that I must be asexual long before I ever knew it was a thing!

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

I always had a hunch that I might be asexual. I don't remember when I first heard the word though. I think I must have been in my 20s. I wasn't 100% ready at the time to label myself, but it was certainly something that kept creeping into my thoughts ever since. I guess I knew, but I didn't want to "commit" (is that the right word, since English is not my native language) to it yet.

I think I knew for sure when I was 35 and in my first and only relationship.

[Guest]

At the age of 49 and three-quarters, technically when I created an account a couple of weeks ago. Like many in this thread, it has always been clear to me that I am different, although I never sought any particular answer to this question. Now that I am seeking answers, so many memories are surfacing that clarify my lifelong puzzlement about myself and my relationship to sexual feelings and romantic love.

 

You will see more about me here I am sure.

 

 

 

[Bebesaf]

2 years ago, when I was in a relationship with a great guy. He didn't quite get why I don't have urges (and to be honest, neither did I). 

 

One day my girlfriends and I were talking about our good friend that maybe he could be asexual, only then it dawned on me that I might be one too.

 

After the relationship ended, I had a hard time struggling with the loss of intimacy like cuddling and holding hands or just sitting next to each other doing nothing. I want to be in a relationship but I am afraid I will be branded a freak because the awareness on asexuality is basically zero in my country.

[darkwinterbird]

I first came across the term 'asexual' when I found an 'adult' online diary site called 'My-Journal,' fifteen years ago.  I was fifty at the time.  Despite decades of relationships plagued by awkward and unpleasant sex, I didn't think the term applied to me.   Well, I finally know better!

[LizF]

63!

[Tyke]

32 minutes ago, LizF said:

63!

Welcome, @LizF. That's a good age. At least I hope it is. I'm only a few months off it. I'm sure you'll get the usual Aven welcome from the appropriate person soon. But for now, here's some 

 

[Skycaptain]

@LizF. Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[LizF]

4 hours ago, Midland Tyke said:

Welcome, @LizF. That's a good age. At least I hope it is. I'm only a few months off it. I'm sure you'll get the usual Aven welcome from the appropriate person soon. But for now, here's some 

 

Thank you. That's kind of you. I'll have it after my tea. 

[LizF]

58 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

@LizF. Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

Thank you.  I may keep some till tomorrow. 

[CatHerder]

43,just recently, and like many here, after a couple of failed marriages, feeling messed up all my life and trying to "fix" myself in ways that sometimes were really stupid and caused a lot of grief both to me and my partner. Wish I knew this 20 years ago... 

[BlueTomato]

Thank you Midland Tyke for starting this thread, and to all of you who contributed. I'm right at cusp of identifying as asexual, and your stories have been invaluable to me. Here is mine below:

 

I first heard about asexuality about 10 years ago (I'm 40 now).

Back then, all my previous relationships had terminated because of my 'low libido' as I saw it. I read about Asexuality, but concluded that wasn't me. I now realised that I got confused between aromatic and romantic. I am definitely romantic, and I am not repulsed by sex. So when the stars are aligned, I can have sex and enjoy it (...and if I enjoy it, I can't be asexual, can't I?...). In the meantime, I was back thinking I had a 'low libido' and feeling a bit shitty about it (why me? what's wrong? I'm not a prude! Sex is this great thing that liberated people enjoy and are good at! I'm somehow repressed and dont even realise it!)

 

Shortly after this period of questioning, I met my current partner. Right at the beginning, things were great, including the sex (I am now racking my brains to try to remember my attraction to him - was it sexual?). But pretty quickly, we slowed down... (I wasn't cured after all...). However, my partner was really supportive and our sex life reached an equilibrium (about twice a month). My feelings were still quite confused. I liked pleasuring him, but at the same time it felt like a chore (mmm, it's been 2 weeks already... I ought to ...but I'd rather go out/watch TV/cook something nice...). At the same time, thanks to his love and my growing older and wiser, I began to feel better about my sexual self ( I have a low libido, so what! Take that, hypersexualised society!)

 

Then, 2 years ago, we decided to try for a baby. You can guess what happened... Sex Equilibrium shattered, hurt feelings on both side. We really care about each other, and were baffled that sex wouldn't work, so took ourself to therapy. Where the question of asexuality reappeared... and here I am!

I'm probably asexual, at the very least grey. It's still work in progress for me and my sexuality and between me and my partner, but I feel hopeful we can reach a new equilibrium, and it might be even better than before.

 

 

[Tyke]

27 minutes ago, BlueTomato said:

Thank you Midland Tyke for starting this thread, and to all of you who contributed. I'm right at cusp of identifying as asexual, and your stories have been invaluable to me. Here is mine below:

 

I first heard about asexuality about 10 years ago (I'm 40 now).

Back then, all my previous relationships had terminated because of my 'low libido' as I saw it. I read about Asexuality, but concluded that wasn't me. I now realised that I got confused between aromatic and romantic. I am definitely romantic, and I am not repulsed by sex. So when the stars are aligned, I can have sex and enjoy it (...and if I enjoy it, I can't be asexual, can't I?...). In the meantime, I was back thinking I had a 'low libido' and feeling a bit shitty about it (why me? what's wrong? I'm not a prude! Sex is this great thing that liberated people enjoy and are good at! I'm somehow repressed and dont even realise it!)

 

Shortly after this period of questioning, I met my current partner. Right at the beginning, things were great, including the sex (I am now racking my brains to try to remember my attraction to him - was it sexual?). But pretty quickly, we slowed down... (I wasn't cured after all...). However, my partner was really supportive and our sex life reached an equilibrium (about twice a month). My feelings were still quite confused. I liked pleasuring him, but at the same time it felt like a chore (mmm, it's been 2 weeks already... I ought to ...but I'd rather go out/watch TV/cook something nice...). At the same time, thanks to his love and my growing older and wiser, I began to feel better about my sexual self ( I have a low libido, so what! Take that, hypersexualised society!)

 

Then, 2 years ago, we decided to try for a baby. You can guess what happened... Sex Equilibrium shattered, hurt feelings on both side. We really care about each other, and were baffled that sex wouldn't work, so took ourself to therapy. Where the question of asexuality reappeared... and here I am!

I'm probably asexual, at the very least grey. It's still work in progress for me and my sexuality and between me and my partner, but I feel hopeful we can reach a new equilibrium, and it might be even better than before.

 

 

Welcome! Have some !

 

It really helped me write the post which started this thread. Putting how I felt into words, even in the jokey style I used, was as much as anything talking to myself, admitting to myself, telling myself who and what I was, and had always been. Liberating, or what!?

 

You've done pretty much the same thing. I hope it has the same benefit for you. There are some lovely people on here. I've made new friends and feel at home. Of course your circumstances are very different, given you have a partner and are trying for a child. You'll find lots of help in the forums and old postings here. I doubt that there's a single story that hasn't been told multiple times.

 

Good luck, and dive right in. The water is warm.

 

Tyke

 

 

[BlueTomato]

Tyke - That is exactly what I did. And it feels SUPER good!!!  

[will123]

22 hours ago, CatHerder said:

43,just recently, and like many here, after a couple of failed marriages, feeling messed up all my life and trying to "fix" myself in ways that sometimes were really stupid and caused a lot of grief both to me and my partner. Wish I knew this 20 years ago... 

Sometimes I have the same feeling.

 

@LizF Welcome to AVEN  .  A really friendly and helpful crowd here and in the other forums.

[Sibemarie]

I think with me it was gradually on my early teens maybe, and it became more solid on my late teens. When girls i knew started becoming teens, there was something going on that was different with them. I had small crushes on boys, but the idea of having intimacy with them just repulsed me. Girls used to talk about something like sex drive and desire and to me that was like an alien language. I didnt had it. It was weird but i knew i was different, and the only thing that made me unconfortable with my situation was people around. All the time, this oversexualized society. I started having less and less girls as friends and more often boys, most girls were about chasing guys and talking about sex and relationships and it started to annoy me. Apparently, according to the lack of info avaiable, i was "frigid" or whatever, but it did not made sense, because frigid were the people who suffered for not having pleasure on sex, but to me not having sex drive was and is perfectly fine. However, due to the still low level of awareness and information around here in my country at least, i only came accross the expression asexual some years ago, already on my 30's as well as the existence of similar people accross the world, which is obviously, great to know.

[lux aeterna]

3 hours ago, Sibemarie said:

I think with me it was gradually on my early teens maybe, and it became more solid on my late teens. When girls i knew started becoming teens, there was something going on that was different with them. I had small crushes on boys, but the idea of having intimacy with them just repulsed me. Girls used to talk about something like sex drive and desire and to me that was like an alien language. I didnt had it. It was weird but i knew i was different, and the only thing that made me unconfortable with my situation was people around. All the time, this oversexualized society. I started having less and less girls as friends and more often boys, most girls were about chasing guys and talking about sex and relationships and it started to annoy me. Apparently, according to the lack of info avaiable, i was "frigid" or whatever, but it did not made sense, because frigid were the people who suffered for not having pleasure on sex, but to me not having sex drive was and is perfectly fine. However, due to the still low level of awareness and information around here in my country at least, i only came accross the expression asexual some years ago, already on my 30's as well as the existence of similar people accross the world, which is obviously, great to know.

Hey! Where do you come from in South Europe? I can rely so much on your story. 

[AssassinBabs]

I just discovered it a few months ago, since it hasn't been my birthday jet, I figured it out on my 23th. 

 

Friend of mine said he wouldnt be suprised if I would come out as an ace. That made me think and search about it. And that same evening I knew that it fitted me to well. 

 

Just like most of you I haven't had any interest in boys, I was always busy with sports and horses. No time for boys but not that it mattered me much. Only when I turned 20 I was a little confused, everybody was dating or had a relationship. But not me, my family joked that I would be lesbian. 

 

And now I am sure that I am an ace, repulsed by any kind of sexual contact. And I know that I do consider myself as a demi aro. Not sure if I am straight or bi, but going by bi is a lot more fitting than just straight. Since I have had squish feelings for women and men.