Having sex while being asexual?

[quotemeonthat]

Hello,

 

I suppose I'll go and tell it like a story.

 

Since my teens, I had a problem - I felt crushed by not being able to want sex. Pornographic imagery, no matter how mild, incited no interest in me. Women's bodies, especially sexualised, made me feel very uncomfortable, and in fact made me panic internally, a problem which grew worse, and on top of that I was blessed with the luck of being thrown into an extremely macho and pornographically charged peer group at school, which chalked this up as just one more reason to bully me upon finding out.

However, I couldn't keep my defiance in the face of this for long. I started to feel crushed and humiliated. I was almost phobic of the naked human body, and I assume this had something to do with having been sexually abused by a woman when I was 7 years old. I felt fear by the idea of anyone making advances, the idea of anyone touching me. I felt a strong sense of being myself exposed and up for the 'usage' of my sexual organs whenever I came across any sexualised imagery. I wanted to have my sex organs amputated. I had no form of gender dysphoria, I just couldn't bear having organs that had, in my mind, programmed for being inside someone.

 

I felt horrifyingly doomed and had phases when I tried to like sexualised imagery, which I now have ethical and intellectual objections to. I wanted to be able to like it to be normal. I wanted to be able to not be triggered by pornography, to be comfortable with the idea of sex. This was especially before I learned about the industries, how they affect women directly involved, how they influence boys and girls and the ethical implications of monetisation of intimate personal behaviour between two people.

 

Last year, however, I grew close to someone I knew online - a friend who was understanding and had similar ideas about... well, almost everything. I felt comfortable with her, and soon enough, she declared to me that she loved me. I reciprocated, feeling strong feelings of affection for her. But I told her about being asexual - that I'm not able to want sex, that I desire closeness and intimacy, but not sex. She assured me that I don't have to do anything I didn't want, but we talked a bit and she told me that if I were willing she would have sex with me, and told me about her ideas of sexuality were about intimacy and closeness and connection more than anything else. We talked a bit and she told me that if I wanted I could just lay back and she would take charge, that she would want me to be as comfortable as possible with it. I said that it felt too difficult still, and she said she understood and that she loved me as much anyway.

 

At this point, I felt strong romantic love for her, and despite her being what one could consider 'attractive' by society's standards, I couldn't feel like having sex with her. At best I found her pretty and kind. I felt I was comfortable enough to hug her and sleep in the same bed with her but sex felt too scary and unwanted for me. I was having emotional difficulties as well because she talked about it as something that would make her emotionally connected to me and it sounded like she really wanted something like that with me, and I felt disturbed by how I couldn't reciprocate.

We met in person, hugged, but I couldn't feel anything sexual, and soon when we were alone she asked if she could kiss me, I said OK, and then she asked permission for increasingly more intimate physical contact with me (hands up my shirt, etc.) to which I felt safe enough with her to say yes. However when she asked if it were OK to undress I didn't feel fear, primarily because it felt safe with her somehow. A bit later she asked me something that made me very uncomfortable - "to kiss me there" and I fear I refused not diplomatically enough, as she was obviously hurt, called herself stupid and started crying. I comforted her and she started being close to me again. I felt a sense of comfort and also guilt. She continued to ask and reassure me about not doing anything I didn't want and I felt safe enough to say yes. Eventually, however, I was surprised because she asked me if it would be OK with me if she took me inside her, however due to me feeling safe with her, I did not feel any kind of fear - I was simply worried about how it would be, I said yes. I was physically slightly aroused, and she did have sex with me. It felt slightly oversensitive, but I did not feel any kind of 'pleasure' as described, I simply felt close to her, primarily because of how she seemed to feel connected to me as well.  I hadn't orgasmed by the end (she had) and she seemed worried about me not having liked it. I told her that it was nice (which was not a lie, because while I didn't feel the 'sexual' nature of the situation I felt emotionally close and felt I could trust her) and she seemed to feel comforted and asked if I'd want it again, to which I said yes.

 

She then started feeling insecure about her decision to take me inside her at this point in time, because she said she she wasn't sure I was in a place to consent, that having been abused, my boundaries may have shrunk significantly and unhealthily. She became disturbed at points because she believed she had raped me, which I assured her she hadn't. Once she felt confident about it, she started asking me if I wanted to make love regularly, and I said yes. I felt I grew to feel more and more comfortable inside her, and eventually I felt completely safe. 

We got married around 9 months ago as well. 

 

However, there are some things that are still bothering me and I would like advice for -

 

1. Arousal - I've noticed more and more a tendency for my genitals to get aroused by touch, which I'm not entirely sure is me being sexual, and I'm confused and sligtly disturbed by the nature of this.

 

2. Thinking of my wife's body as a safe place - this is perhaps something twisted - my discomfort with sex and sexuality has started to abate at certain points - in particular, when my wife takes me inside her. Often I just feel that at this point, it's just like surrendering to someone you trust, and I don't feel fear of any kind. There are two problems with this, however - I'm worried about the ethical implications of this - wanting someone sexually despite not really wanting it in and of itself, but rather just because of the emotional consequences? She insisted that she's OK with it and in fact happy I feel safe, but to me it often feels complicated - I don't want to complicate something emotional for her. Secondly, I am unable to maintain physical arousal because often simply thinking and focusing on safety involves me sometimes feeling lost, which has led to emotional discomfort on her part and often made her feel complexed about whether I want this or not.

 

3. Orgasms - after a few times, I experienced an orgasm, however I could only know that because I felt a sort of blood rush and felt muscular movement down there, and well... excuse the details, but the condom had stuff in it. However, as far as 'pleasure', I do not feel anything strong, I just feel muscles contracting a bit. I'm not sure I feel what people talk about, especially compared to my wife, who seems to experience something much stronger than me. I would like to know if what I feel is normal.

 

4. Asexuality - I have started to enjoy sex but I find that the primary reason is vicarious - it's mostly how happy and connected my wife feels with it, and I do look forward to it at some times. I wanted to know if I'm asexual, since I have noticed that I don't feel any kind of specific physical pleasure from sex and appreciate the closeness most of all.

 

5. Pleasure - My wife in particular is sad about me not experiencing much physical pleasure from sex - she has expressed doubts and feelings of shame, selfishness and at some instances even expressed feeling 'not good enough' to pleasure me, and she asked me for something as a result to this that I'd already refused, but insisted she really wanted - oral sex, and I recall yet again not feeling any pleasure. I felt highly uncomfortable with this, but she insisted that she wanted this and that she wanted me to feel something. Ultimately I had an orgasm, but it felt the same, and I just felt disgusting and humiliated instead for ejaculating into her mouth. She insisted that she liked it very much and that she wanted it again, but I didn't feel any pleasure in particular. I have a few problems about this -

a) I feel broken and like a robot for not feeling any particular pleasure, and it has started to cause me emotional distress as well.

b) I feel fear because my wife insists she likes oral sex, however I'm not sure she's being truthful and I fear that she is pretending as I can't see how she could like something like that so much. I feel very complicated because I felt quite disgusting for ejaculating in her mouth, like I was doing something bad and filthy, but she repeatedly talks about it and how she misses it. I don't know how to ask her to be truthful about this without hurting her in any way, and would like advice on this.

c) I would like to be able to have a general opinion on the matter of me not feeling pleasure and her feeling selfish because she does, and what I can say to her as she has expressed sentiments expressing feelings of being "porn-y" and "slutty" which I've repeatedly assured her she's not, but given the situation she often has recurring problems with these things.

 

6. Attractiveness - I don't believe that the reason for lack of pleasure is because she is not attractive given that I have never found any person sexually interesting and I find she looks very beautiful and even by society's standards she would be considered attractive, but it has made her feel complicated at times. I do not know what to really say.

 

Ultimately, I don't even know if I'm asexual anymore, I feel a bit more of a complicated mess. If anyone has any opinions or advice of any sort, please feel free to post.

[LittleGoody2Shoes]

You're brave to tell your story. There is something called a gray asexual. Sometimes a gray ace will have sex with a partner to please the partner and sometimes a gray ace experiences occasional sexuality. Also hetero romantic is someone who has romantic but not necessarily sexual interest in someone of the opposite gender. You sound like you might be either or both of those.

[Cat Lady Lisa]

Hi, sorry I don't really have any advice, but wanted to say well done for overcoming the trauma from what happened to you as a child and having a loving and trusting relationship with your wife. It's great that you can find something positive in sex with her, and be able to enjoy it (not in the same way she does, I know, but you have some enjoyment and, most importantly, feel safe). Regarding the oral sex, trust her when she says she enjoys it. Some women (I'm one of them, despite being repulsed by all other forms of sex) genuinely get a lot of pleasure out of giving it, including the 'mess' in the mouth! However, if you don't like it, please tell her so and don't try to force yourself to enjoy it for her sake. Speaking from experience, try things 2 or 3 times then, if you still don't like it, stop. It sounds like you have good communication and care a lot about each other, and honest communication and discussion of your feelings is the most important thing. Good luck and well done for getting to the stage of feeling safe and comfortable and having a loving relationship, you should be proud of yourself! 

[Diamond Ace of Hearts]

1. Arousal is not the same as sexual attraction. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Some aces don't get aroused, but some, probably most, do.

 

2. How could thinking of your wife as safe be twisted? It's beautiful. That's prolly how most sexually active aces have to feel about their partner. Most sexual people too, come to that.

 

3. That's what an orgasm is like for me, tbh. I've never had partnered sex, though. But reading what other sexually active aces have said on this site, it seems pretty normal.

 

4. Nobody but you can label you, it's one of the house rules 'round here and I think it's generally true, too. But, liking sex doesn't make you not asexual. Even some of the most ace people in the world can enjoy sex. Sex-repulsed is a whole different thing, which can come from being ace but doesn't have to.

 

5. a) Many asexual people feel no pleasure in sex, jeez even some sexuals can feel like that. You are not broken.

b) unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to really know if your wife is being truthful. What I will say is that some people like giving oral. It makes no sense to me but it'd be a shit world if we we're all alike. If your wife keeps offering to do it, she must not dislike it. She's seen that it gives you no more pleasure than other acts so why would she offer to do it if PIV sex gets pretty much the same results plus satisfaction for her? Conclusion: She genuinely enjoys it, either primarily in and of itself or secondarily because she loves you and it feels like a loving act to her, same as other things you've done together.

c) given the fact that she's after giving you oral, I think it's safe to say she ain't selfish. I would advise you let her know what you do get from sex with her. Tell her, repeatedly, about how she makes you feel safe, how you feel connected when you guys get it on. Maybe, if you don't already, you could initiate sex once in a while, but make it clear why, if you can (i.e. don't let her think you suddenly aren't asexual, that would get complicated).

General advice: let her do oral stuff if she wants, just maybe tell her you don't want to finish in her mouth. Compromise is key.

 

6. It's important to remind her that you don't feel attracted to anyone in that way, and to remind her of the ways in which you are attracted to her (romantic etc.). You'd be heading into dangerous waters but you could even tell her that although you don't find her sexually attractive, you can see, kind of objectively, that she is.

 

Overall, your situation sounds like pretty much the perfect sexual/asexual relationship, except with just a few issues that can be easily worked out. My final piece of advice is to get your wife to sign up here so she can chat with other sexual partners about this.

 

 

On a side note, I don't normally say stuff like this but thank you for posting your story. I've been doubting my asexuality the last few days and I've had some of the same issues you've had. Reading it from the outside, I thought you were most likely ace and since we have some things in common, I'm feeling better about myself again, so thanks.

[quotemeonthat]

Thank you, everyone! I really appreciate the understanding responses.

 

I just have regularly have had problems with my wife in regards to me not really 'liking it,' and I'm quite concerned about her emotional wellbeing when she's in doubt. I would like very much to be able to assure her, but we have also talked quite a bit about not having sex.

 

She said that she would accept whatever decision I made, but that she just felt horribly guilty for wanting sex with me and felt selfish and didn't want to blackmail me.

All this, along with the fact that I need... sorry to speak in this way, but 'stimulation' to be aroused, it's a bit of a difficult topic, and I just feel at quite a loss at what to say or do.

 

I don't mind having sex with her that much, I enjoy that it makes her happy and especially how emotional she is, but I still don't enjoy it sexually, if you understand what I mean. It's quite difficult to really communicate about this without causing difficulties, and I feel complicated about it as well.

I would really want to be able to really like and want sex, but it's simply not working. It's difficult and I've been depressed about it often. It has been even for her to not see me aroused etc., but we have talked about it and she believes me when I say I love her and that she doesn't disgust me or anything like that. However, it's become difficult because she has asked questions about the fact that I really only like it because she does, that there's no real desire from me. I said that it's still a really nice thing for me to do something she enjoys a lot, but I feel it's wearing off on her and she's often needing reassurance and asking if I really want it, and not just saying 'OK.' 

 

If any of you have any insight on this, I would greatly appreciate is as well.

 

About oral sex - I'm feeling quite complicated about the fact that she really wants me to ejaculate in her mouth in particular, I just hope it's not something unethical women are trained by society to do, but something she actually really wants. It feels emotionally difficult for me to accept, because it feels somehow degrading of her for me. I suppose I'd like to be reassured about that from someone besides just my wife, but considering the nature of the topic, it's a bit difficult to ask around about it.

 

Thank you again!

[saati237]

I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I'm also in a relationship with a partner who's sexual, where I'm asexual, and it can be tough sometimes. Sex for me is more just an activity that I do with my partner because he likes it. That's all, nothing really special; it's about as exciting as a walk in a park. I think the most important thing is communication and being comfortable with yourself. I'm dealing with a lot of sh** right now, but one thing that I hold on to is how comfortable I am with my (a)sexuality. It's one thing I'm certain about and I think that helps me stay grounded in my relationship. I hope everything will work out for you, as it does sound like a great relationship you and your wife have, just with some minor bumps that going to be ironed out. Just remember you are not alone in how you feel.