Demisexual Women Dating Sexuals

[User12345]

I'm wondering if anyone who identifies as demisexual could share advice on being in a serious relationship with a sexual (man or woman, but I am particularly interested in men, as I think male sexuality can be a lot more intense and problematic than female sexuality). Like a number of people who identify as demisexual, I have only been sexually attracted to a few people (2 or 3) my whole life. My current partner, on the other hand, may be hyper-sexual. Regardless, he is often sexually attracted to random women and has "normal" (for lack of a better word) sexual fantasies about the women he is attracted to. Obviously having a sexual fantasy about a person I hardly know is not something that would make sense for me. If I were to think about having sex with someone, I would have to have a strong emotional connection to them and established feelings for them. For this reason, although I understand that for him it does not have the same relationship, it is hard not to be hurt by the idea of him fantasizing about other women or masturbating to those fantasies. It feels a little like cheating to me because if I were doing that it would mean that I had real feelings for the person or people I was fantasizing about. I am not that sexual, so it makes sense for him to masturbate and I want him to as often as he wants, but sometimes if I'm in the mood and he isn't that interested, I feel like he has chosen to spend time thinking about/fantasizing about these women instead of doing things with me and I feel hurt. Of course, I know that it isn't really like that and I have been in his position many times in terms of just not being in the mood for whatever reason. Have any other women or men who identify as demisexual struggled with this? How have you and/or your partner worked through it? I am also interested in other struggles demisexuals here have faced in their relationships with sexual partners. For example, I have a lot of trouble relating to or understanding my partner's sexuality. How have you all bridged that gap with your partners or tried to? Have you just accepted that this is a big part of their everyday experience in the world that you will never really understand?

[Galactic Turtle]

At first I was going to say "wait to have sex with him until you're ready" until you said sometimes when you've asked for sex, he hasn't been in the mood. Because you're both sexually active with each other, it sounds more like the issue is less you identifying as demisexual and more the two of you having mismatching sex drives...? On top of that, you have a problem that he's masturbating to fantasies that don't involve you. I'm no expert on this stuff but have you tried just flat out asking him about it? His fantasies might have a different cast of characters because he can't imagine you wanting to do the same thing. Experiment with each other, see what you like, spice things up. If you want him sexually, make sure he knows. If you freeze up at the mention of sexual things, it might be good to reevaluate why you're sleeping with him at all.

 

I'm not the type of person you'd probably want responding to this but that's just my two cents! 

[binary suns]

When I was sexually active, I was sometimes OK with the sex. and sometimes not OK with it. and I didn't say anything about that. I would recomend making sure that you express what is OK and what is hurtful to you. if sexual activity isn't right for you in any moment for any reason, it is perfectly healthy to speak up about it. 

 

oh or wait - are you the sexual person dating someone demisexual? then my suggestion is 1) to understand that in theory it is still good sex if you want it enthusiastically and they are only doing their best to play along 2) to realize that you will hurt them if you force them. And that if they do not speak up for themselves then there was no way you could have known they were hurting. if they are muting themselves and getting hurt. I do not know what to say. I muted myself and I got hurt because of it. but I forgive the person wholeheartedly - it was not their fault. I cannot guarantee that others would have that same perspective so I do not know what to advise. but my view point is that if they are hurt because they do not speak up - you cannot be placed as the blame. neither of you are. it is just an awkward, sad situation. 

 

 

 

ugh this is a grim post. I am sorry. 

 

 

 

 

ps. if anything, remember how you were able to get by without sex in the past. so if you really want sex and it isn't happening - try to think of it as if for some reason you were spending the night home alone. then you might be able to see how you can endure the need for them with them being so close by, yet unable to do something with them. The time I was hurt the most was the time my partner kept telling me she was horny and so eventually I caved in and let her mess around with my body. 

[nanogretchen4]

I'm demisexual and I've had relationships with sexual men. For me it wasn't very difficult to understand that my partners were sometimes attracted to people they didn't know. It did not bother me if they were attracted to celebrities or strangers, but it would have bothered me if I knew they were attracted to a coworker or someone they talked to on a regular basis. Your partner can't help finding other women attractive, but he doesn't have to tell you about it if you've told him that it bothers you. It may be best to follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. In my own case I found it caused less anxiety to know about it than not to know, though. I figured he couldn't be up to anything too serious if he was being open about it.

[russtopher]

Generally finding others attractive aesthetically, sexually, or otherwise is normal behavior. We aren't blind once we get into a relationship. My past relationships have been a don't ask don't tell type of policy. Why would I want to hear about that? It really doesn't help me any and doesn't enhance anything about our relationship. I find it unbelievably strange.