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(TW)- A Rock and a Hard Place


lygingerly

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Hi there! First off, I do need to say that this is not my first relationship with an individual who identifies as asexual. Both my previous partner and my current partner came out well into the relationship. With my first partner, they also identified as gender fluid and the complications of their fluidity meant that a relationship wasn't in the cards for them at the moment. I don't believe the asexuality would have ended our relationship on its own as we had other intimate connections (kissing, cuddling, etc.) that made it bearable for me. I'm Demi and have a history of sexual abuse so I have a strong preference for being intimate with a loved and trusted partner. I also have an unfortunately high libido and in an ideal world, would be having sex on the daily.

 

Flash forward to my current relationship, both of us are women and in our early-mid twenties with me being the younger partner by about five years. We began dating a little over two years ago and our relationship was initially highly sexual. This lasted about three months and then I was caught in a massive lie about having contact with my previous abuser and our physical relationship more or less ended. We would have sex while drunk and make out occasionally but it was never more than once every couple of months. Eight months into our relationship, my partner attempted suicide. Her depression has been left untreated since and she has repeatedly refused therapy under the excuse that a therapist would tell her to break up with me. I began therapy at this time to work on the compounded issues I had stemming from my abuse. I've been in therapy for over a year and feel as though I've done much of the work I needed to do and am a generally mentally healthy person.

 

My current partner, let's call her Jane, had numerous sexual partners before me (all male) but has experienced bisexual feelings throughout her life. During a particularly rocky point relatively early in our relationship, my partner cheated and slept with a dude. The last time we had reciprocal sex or kissed with any passion was about a week after her suicide attempt and the last time she touched me was June of last year. Recently, Jane began identifying as asexual. Given our relationship, the identification seems to make sense.

 

So here's where I'm at. I've tried a lot to reduce my libido: chaste tree berry, licorice, soy products, marijuana, (hilariously) negative reinforcement, and even hormone pills. Nothing has worked in any sort of noticeable way. If any other sexuals have strategies for dealing with their libidos- I would love to hear them. I also need some sort of a long term solution idea. Opening the relationship just won't work for me and Jane has repeatedly asked me to not pressure her, even when I bring up the conversation casually. So it does not seem like compromise sex or intimacy is an option either. I've considered leaving the relationship, but Jane does not have any other friends or family in the country and her very delicate mental health situation combined with her pleas for me to not leave her mean that I'm not going anywhere right now.

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A*sexual w/asexual

There are a number of flags that jump out at me in your situation (from a male sexual point of view, if you can accept this)

1.  You mention suicide attempt combined with repeated refusals of help regarding therapy. This indicates an emotionally controlling person who uses her mental status to manipulate.

2.  Her ambivalence regarding her sexual identity; Since it appears that she is in a seriously constant depressive state, it suggests that she can't really find herself on that level, yet grasps at the identification to justify her current loss of the ability to feel anything. This is common for depression.

3. Your commitment to "make her better" by staying in an unhealthy relationship. Unless she WANTS to get out of her depression and seek help on her own, you are merely feeding back into her manipulation.

 

All of this may or may not help. I can only say that until YOU are happy, you can't make anyone else happy (and I should take my own advice).

With the viewpoint you have given here, and I realize that there are two sides to any story, I would say RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit because your partner does NOT want to get help, and apparently wants you to go down with her ship.

 

Good luck to you, my dear...may joy smile upon you.

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Ahah, I was starting to write a long post but @A*sexual w/asexual got there first - with a much more succinct version of what I wanted to say about your partner's mental health. On the whole, I really agree with him.

 

I'm also in a mixed relationship with another woman and we are both in our mid-twenties, but I'm the asexual partner. I was open about my sexuality when we got together, but I felt there were parallels to your situation as my gf was extremely mentally unwell at the start of our relationship. She moved to my country for me and had no friends here, and I spent a lot of time (while also in therapy!!!) trying to help her get better. 

 

The key thing here is that now, our relationship IS getting better, but only because my partner accepted she needed help. Part of it is that I stopped pandering to everything she wanted and pointed out just how much she was hurting me.  I told her i loved her and wanted to make her happy but I couldn't continue to compromise my needs ( not just my 'need' for less sex, but also my own emotional needs ) just for her mental wellbeing, and that I could not make a commitment to stay with her if something did not change. I persuaded my partner to look into getting therapy for her depression and while she hasn't gotten all the way there yet, things have started to look up in our relationship because she sees her behaviour in a different way and understands how it affects me. She also made the effort to find friends, and build up her own support network, and have a life independent of me.

 

Of course, as an ace person I  agree - your partner is not obliged to compromise sexually for you, and it's great that you are seeking other options to deal with your libido, but your needs are still valid even if she doesn't understand them. Your partner should compromise in other ways if she cares about you - whether that's seeking therapy for her depression or providing you with emotional support when you need it, rather than making you deal with issues on your own.

 

If she isn't willing to make ANY sort of compromise for you, then it's very hard to say she is worth sticking with. A relationship always has to go both ways. If your needs are not being met, give serious thought about leaving. Remember that whether or not she has friends in your country, and what she does if you decide that you have had enough, is not your responsibility.

 

She's an adult, not your dependent. She should be able to handle herself and you shouldn't feel guilty for admitting you need more than she can give.

 

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nanogretchen4

Your partner is refusing to get help using the excuse that a therapist will tell her to break up with you. That suggests to me that she knows the relationship is unhealthy for her. Really, there are a lot of red flags. First, it's not great that you lied to her, but also it's really not great that she has been punishing you for it since three months in. If something happens so early in a relationship and someone can't forgive it, they should break up. In the same two years, she has cheated on you. There has been drunk sex and a suicide attempt. Now she's using extreme emotional blackmail to keep you trapped in a relationship that is not making either of you happy. She seems to have decided to latch onto you and make you her life support system, and that's all kinds of wrong. I think you need to leave. At least that will take away her excuse for not getting the help she clearly needs.

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I'd like to note that all those replies could very well be true in a case devoid of malitious intent. in a place of confusion and stress we all are capable  of doing wrong by the people we love. you have to be open to all outcomes to take the right path sometimes.

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Thank you all for your responses. You are all pretty correct- while I don't believe my partner has any malicious intent- I am also fairly certain that the only way to help her (and me) is to end our relationship. We are both very codependent people and my willingness to coddle her through some significant mental health issues without asking for any accountability in return is what's made our relationship fester. While I love her dearly and hope for a healthy and happy future together- ending our romantic entanglement is the correct decision until she wants to and has the tools to get better.

 

I thought that supporting my partner like this was the right way to approach our situation, but it is abundantly clear that handholding isn't getting us (or her) anywhere. She has to come first and it's been selfish of me to hold onto something so toxic for both of us for so long. I'm sorry this post strayed so far from the category, but I appreciate the advice and the kindness.

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AshenPhoenix

I just want to chime in and say that I think you're handling this extremely well for someone in your situation. While I would advise a tempered approach and caution, no matter what path you decide to take, I also echo many of what others have said here. It has always been my viewpoint that when you enter a relationship, your life should not change. You should always be the most important person in your own life, and taking care of yourself is always concern #1. Whether to not there is any malicious intent, if what your partner is doing is harming you mentally, and they don't wish to talk about it, there isn't any good that can come out of it.

 

So, while I won't cast judgments on your partner, I just want to say that, you're who you're responsible for looking out for, no one else. At the end of the day, if anyone tries to tell you anything different, it's because of something they want for themselves, not something they want for you.

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