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Mourning Period?


SlytherClaw23

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SlytherClaw23

Although I've been fairly sure that my partner is Ace for a while, now that he's confirmed it I feel like I'm going through a mourning period for my own sexuality. 

 

I keep thinking, "I'm never going to do [insert act here] ever again," and it makes me sad.

 

I assume this is a normal part of "mixed" relationships. I want to feel wanted and pretty. Opening the relationship is not an option. 

 

What strategies are there for starting the compromise conversation without seeming like I'm being pushy?

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NerotheReaper

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Well thing is, you should talk to your partner about this and how it makes you feel. Let them talk about their thoughts and feelings as well, make sure you both are talking like adults and giving respect to one another. Take turns talking and don't interrupt each other. I'm sure your partner is also struggling with their sexuality and your happiness too, sexuality isn't something you decide. 

 

See how that conversation goes, but ending the relationship is an option. Might not be the happiest option in your mind, but everyone in a relationship deserves to be happy. 

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Hello, SlytherClaw.

‘Never” doing sex things is actually a very optimistic point of view – it presumes that you’re with this person for the rest of your life.

I don’t think that way anymore. My first marriage was “forever”, and the small things really bothered me, “He’s starting to lose hair – I’ll be with a bald man forever! The horror!”, “He’s so unreliable – I’ll have to live all my life in stress! Oh no!” Because of this “forever” we got divorced several years later than we should have.

In my current relationships I don’t presume them to be eternal – we stay with each other because (and for as long as) we are happy together. Don’t get me wrong – I love my partner with all my heart. Knowing that we can break up and I can have sex with other people makes me very aware that I don’t want either of those things. Even if he doesn’t lust after me, I still choose him over everyone else.

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On 14/3/2017 at 5:17 AM, SlytherClaw23 said:

Although I've been fairly sure that my partner is Ace for a while, now that he's confirmed it I feel like I'm going through a mourning period for my own sexuality. 

 

I keep thinking, "I'm never going to do [insert act here] ever again," and it makes me sad.

 

I assume this is a normal part of "mixed" relationships. I want to feel wanted and pretty. Opening the relationship is not an option. 

 

What strategies are there for starting the compromise conversation without seeming like I'm being pushy?

Acknowledge if sex is important to you. Say it, do not expect the asexual to feel it. It migth not fly in on his radar. Maybe a compromise can be reached that everybody is ok with. TMI-spoiler! Could he/you be ok with only using hands or toys? Would you be ok with receiving the 'massage'? 

You could start it of by saying things like "I know and accept, that we are very different in our sexuality. I would like us to talk about it (this weekend, next week...)! Perhaps we can both help each other, since I love you and I want to stay with you!"

 

for me, it has taken quite a while to accept, that my wifes way of showing love is so much different, than i thought it was. I showed her love through kisses, hug, cuddles, sweet words, sex. She does it differently. 

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SlytherClaw23

Thank you :)

 

Part of the issue is that it's hard getting him to open up emotionally. He's making an effort (yay).

 

His communication style seems to be dropping hints about stuff to gauge my reaction a few times, then waiting for me to bring up the subject (i.e. mentioning that someone I used to volunteer with was openly asexual), before opening up. So I try not to push him. 

 

He told me he was asexual a week before he closed on a new home, and I told him that I already suspected & that it's not a deal breaker. I thanked him for trusting me enough to tell me, and asked him to try and be more emotionally open with me. 

 

I own my own home. I think the fact that I'm still moving in with him (while my roommates work on saving up to buy my house), has helped him see that this is not a deal breaker for me. 

 

TMI warning here:

 

Basically, when I get horny I just tell him that I'm going to go spend some "quality time alone," and that he's welcome to join me or not. He doesn't, but I make the offer anyway about 1/2 the time.

 

To answer your question - I'd love it if he'd come give me a hand, so to speak, or anything.

 

 My previous relationships were sexually adventurous, and I miss being sexually submissive. I get off on my partner getting off, and that doesn't happen. When we have sex, I'm the initiator & I'm on top. It's not my usual preference. When I'm done, he'll usually "clean out the pipes" himself. 

 

Open relationship isn't an option for either of us. I don't want to cheat, and he doesn't want me being intimate with anyone else.

 

I'm glad he'd rather "take one for the team" every three or four months, but it hurts that he doesn't get the same emotional connection I get from sex. That's more important than an orgasm is to me. 

 

Wow. It's really helpful to be able to write this all out, and know that people are out there who understand. Thanks for the safe place.

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16 hours ago, SlytherClaw23 said:

Thank you :)

 

Part of the issue is that it's hard getting him to open up emotionally. He's making an effort (yay).

 

His communication style seems to be dropping hints about stuff to gauge my reaction a few times, then waiting for me to bring up the subject (i.e. mentioning that someone I used to volunteer with was openly asexual), before opening up. So I try not to push him. 

 

He told me he was asexual a week before he closed on a new home, and I told him that I already suspected & that it's not a deal breaker. I thanked him for trusting me enough to tell me, and asked him to try and be more emotionally open with me. 

 

I own my own home. I think the fact that I'm still moving in with him (while my roommates work on saving up to buy my house), has helped him see that this is not a deal breaker for me. 

 

TMI warning here:

 

Basically, when I get horny I just tell him that I'm going to go spend some "quality time alone," and that he's welcome to join me or not. He doesn't, but I make the offer anyway about 1/2 the time.

 

To answer your question - I'd love it if he'd come give me a hand, so to speak, or anything.

 

 My previous relationships were sexually adventurous, and I miss being sexually submissive. I get off on my partner getting off, and that doesn't happen. When we have sex, I'm the initiator & I'm on top. It's not my usual preference. When I'm done, he'll usually "clean out the pipes" himself. 

 

Open relationship isn't an option for either of us. I don't want to cheat, and he doesn't want me being intimate with anyone else.

 

I'm glad he'd rather "take one for the team" every three or four months, but it hurts that he doesn't get the same emotional connection I get from sex. That's more important than an orgasm is to me. 

 

Wow. It's really helpful to be able to write this all out, and know that people are out there who understand. Thanks for the safe place.

@slytherclaw I like the idea about (TMI-alert) being open about (some of) your 'quality time alone' and how you put an open invitation into it. 

I migth use it: "I think I will go play with myself. You are welcome to join me, in what aspect you like and you are welcome to let me do it on my own!" As it is now, I wait until the fourteen days-timeframe has passed. I ask for a date or say that I feel like fucking or mention that the kids are asleep. And doing it on my own is a hidden activity. 

Your way makes it possible for me to show my rythm and my needs without putting extra strain on her! ...I hope?!

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SlytherClaw23
6 hours ago, MrDane said:

@slytherclaw I like the idea about (TMI-alert) being open about (some of) your 'quality time alone' and how you put an open invitation into it. 

I migth use it: "I think I will go play with myself. You are welcome to join me, in what aspect you like and you are welcome to let me do it on my own!" As it is now, I wait until the fourteen days-timeframe has passed. I ask for a date or say that I feel like fucking or mention that the kids are asleep. And doing it on my own is a hidden activity. 

Your way makes it possible for me to show my rythm and my needs without putting extra strain on her! ...I hope?!

Go team us! I hope that works for you! 

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