Jump to content

Newbie here, can anyone help?


GroundControlToMajorTom

Recommended Posts

GroundControlToMajorTom

Hey, there! After long delays (while I basically stalked the threads around here), I've finally decided to make an account and tell my story in hopes that someone might have any tips to point me in the right direction. You can call me V, I am a 24 yr old, agender, homo-romantic person and something that I've always been sure of has started bugging me over the past few months: my sexuality. It's weird to explain, especially since I first discovered I was gay when I was 13, and I've always had erotic fantasies and a decent libido throughout my adolescence. But it was only while masturbating or watching pornography, I was to learn, that I enjoyed the idea of sexual activity. I had my first sexual experience at 20, it was with a random guy I found online on a dating site, about my age, and to put it in one word, it was uncomfortable. But I never raised any questions there since, after all, I was attracted to guys and fantasized about sex all the time. It was only after several other sexual experiences of the sort that made me realize I..... didn't actually enjoy the contact. Not as much as I enjoyed the fantasy/porn setting, that is. And it's been bothering me ever since. How am I able to feel sexual attraction to men I find beautiful at random times, fantasize about sex with them, but when confronted with the real thing, not enjoy it almost at all, wish that it was over, and feel relieved after it's finished. It's almost like a chore to me. But even masturbation always felt like a chore to me. I know aesthetic attraction exists, but for me, there was always a sexual part in there. I just can't explain why I never enjoyed the actual intercourse, but just the idea of it. For the moment, I'm labelling myself as gray-ace, but from what I understand, gray-aces don't feel sexual attraction as often as I do. Is it a requisite to only feel it rarely in order to be gray-ace? 

 

Anyways, I thank in advance anyone who took the time to read this.

:cake:

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
WobblyWallaby

First off...excellent choice of name.

Personally I have limited understanding of what you're going through but I understand the confusion of graysexuality. I personally am not ready for anything sexual at all but I don't think sex is bad. Sex is just gross to me. Having a libido, having an urge and fantasies doesn't mean that you have to like sex. Actually what you are describing sounds like a friend of mine who loves the idea of sex but actually hates the act of doing it...Like me, she considers herself a graysexual too. I guess what my rambling is getting at is just because some graysexuals have little to no sexual attraction doesn't mean that all are like that. I hope this helps even a tad.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
GroundControlToMajorTom
10 minutes ago, WobblyWallaby said:

First off...excellent choice of name.

Personally I have limited understanding of what you're going through but I understand the confusion of graysexuality. I personally am not ready for anything sexual at all but I don't think sex is bad. Sex is just gross to me. Having a libido, having an urge and fantasies doesn't mean that you have to like sex. Actually what you are describing sounds like a friend of mine who loves the idea of sex but actually hates the act of doing it...Like me, she considers herself a graysexual too. I guess what my rambling is getting at is just because some graysexuals have little to no sexual attraction doesn't mean that all are like that. I hope this helps even a tad.

Thank you! And may I congratulate you on your adorable name as well :lol:

It does, because my experience is very similar to that of your friend. I also didn't go into the sensual attraction I always seem to experience, and how I haven't actually learned to differentiate it from the sexual one. When it comes down to it, what I really want is to just sit down, cuddle and maybe kiss my partner, but not necessarily anything more than that, because I find it superflous or, like you said, sometimes even gross. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi V! Welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you decided to join, and thank you for sharing your story. If it feels right to you to identify as gray-ace, go for it! You're the only one who can label yourself. If in the future you choose to change what you call yourself, that's fine. If not, that's equally fine. What's important is that you're comfortable with it. Feel free to PM me if you're looking for friends or want to talk about anything! Enjoy the forums!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
GroundControlToMajorTom
10 hours ago, Andiamo said:

Hi V! Welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you decided to join, and thank you for sharing your story. If it feels right to you to identify as gray-ace, go for it! You're the only one who can label yourself. If in the future you choose to change what you call yourself, that's fine. If not, that's equally fine. What's important is that you're comfortable with it. Feel free to PM me if you're looking for friends or want to talk about anything! Enjoy the forums!

Thank you! Indeed, I guess only I can identify as something in particular. :) :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites
MerePeasant

Welcome to the forum, GCTMT. :D And may God's love be with you.

 

And it looks like your avatar character is floating in a most peculiar way...

 

(Couldn't resist it when I saw your username. :ph34r: )

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there V.

Good to meet you. Glad you posted this when you did because I actually just found this site literally today. Yours was the first live forum post I've ever read. And it is pretty much the same experience. Or was at one point. One difference is I am exactly twice your age. But otherwise it is pretty close.

I haven't had sex with anyone for almost a decade now. I don't miss it at all.I tried very hard to just accept sex as is. Just because it doesn't match up to my expectations or my fantasies, and isn't as easy as self-pleasure doesn't mean I'm asexual. Right? Well, maybe. Not necessarily. Not in my case. I don't enjoy sex at all. I find it tedious, dirty, degrading, clumsy, messy, animal, disingenuous, obligatory, etc...not to mention its pretty repetitive.

Porn and fantasy can get me worked up. But I haven't even gone down that path in several years. Maybe I'm getting older. I think I finally accepted that I don't like sex and will likely end up solitary and isolated. I figured I was sexually reserved or even repressed. Whatever it was, I assumed I was just abnormal for some reason.Good to know I'm not. Just different.

I still find some men attractive. Its an aesthetic attraction I'm discovering. I appreciate their eyes or smile or features or even mannerisms. But I don't picture them naked or imagine them in some sexual scenario. I find women attractive the same way.

When I was looking at porn and relieving tension, it wasn't necessarily all about sexual attraction or gratification. You had mentioned sensuality vs sexuality. I'll have to look into that one, but I had a hard time differentiating intimacy vs sex. The first time I ever saw two guys in porn together it was pretty intense. But I remember even more intense was the first time I saw two guys embrace and kiss. That almost seemed to make my soul vibrate. And it wasn't the sexual component so much as it was the intimacy between two men, a sort of mutual submission and respect and enjoyment. I had two friends, one when I was in college and one when I was in the army. And we were close. We were very good friends and we were together a lot. We slept in the same bed at times, we'd wrestle and play and even be affectionate without being sexual.. Everyone knew we were the best of friends and they came to respect us for it. If anything, the fantasies and porn and self gratification are mostly part of seeking that intimacy which had been seeking acceptance even earlier. 

I have been in a few longer term relationships with guys. It gets a bit complicated when you are with somebody as a partner but don't want to have sex with them. I didn't even understand it, so there was no way I could ever help them understand. They would assume I didn't care about them anymore. Trying to force your way through sex to placate someone else is only going to make you resent them and sour the entire relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get off to fantasies or images of men on your own while still being in a close, intimate and affectionate relationship with someone. In my relationships, I didn't want to have sex, but still wanted to get myself off. But if my partner found that out, he would take it almost like I had cheated on him.

If you don't like sex, you don't like sex. Consider your porn/fantasy fun a fetish or don't even concern yourself with trying to define it. As long as you know what you want and you set your boundaries clearly, You don't have to justify it to anybody. If I had known then what I know now, things would have been easier, there might have been fewer broken hearts. I know I am asexual and I understand exactly where you are coming from. Been there. Things may change for you, they may not. You might change them. Just be true to yourself. Everything I've seen here says this group is very open and tolerant and they aren't here to judge or correct you. Only you get to do that. Whatever your answers are, make sure you enjoy the journey to figure them out.

Good luck V

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
GroundControlToMajorTom
On 3/14/2017 at 7:52 PM, MerePeasant said:

Welcome to the forum, GCTMT. :D And may God's love be with you.

 

And it looks like your avatar character is floating in a most peculiar way...

 

(Couldn't resist it when I saw your username. :ph34r: )

Thank you! Yes, it's pretty, isn't it :D

 

On 3/15/2017 at 9:50 AM, rogerraj said:

Hey there V.

Good to meet you. Glad you posted this when you did because I actually just found this site literally today. Yours was the first live forum post I've ever read. And it is pretty much the same experience. Or was at one point. One difference is I am exactly twice your age. But otherwise it is pretty close.

I haven't had sex with anyone for almost a decade now. I don't miss it at all.I tried very hard to just accept sex as is. Just because it doesn't match up to my expectations or my fantasies, and isn't as easy as self-pleasure doesn't mean I'm asexual. Right? Well, maybe. Not necessarily. Not in my case. I don't enjoy sex at all. I find it tedious, dirty, degrading, clumsy, messy, animal, disingenuous, obligatory, etc...not to mention its pretty repetitive.

Porn and fantasy can get me worked up. But I haven't even gone down that path in several years. Maybe I'm getting older. I think I finally accepted that I don't like sex and will likely end up solitary and isolated. I figured I was sexually reserved or even repressed. Whatever it was, I assumed I was just abnormal for some reason.Good to know I'm not. Just different.

I still find some men attractive. Its an aesthetic attraction I'm discovering. I appreciate their eyes or smile or features or even mannerisms. But I don't picture them naked or imagine them in some sexual scenario. I find women attractive the same way.

When I was looking at porn and relieving tension, it wasn't necessarily all about sexual attraction or gratification. You had mentioned sensuality vs sexuality. I'll have to look into that one, but I had a hard time differentiating intimacy vs sex. The first time I ever saw two guys in porn together it was pretty intense. But I remember even more intense was the first time I saw two guys embrace and kiss. That almost seemed to make my soul vibrate. And it wasn't the sexual component so much as it was the intimacy between two men, a sort of mutual submission and respect and enjoyment. I had two friends, one when I was in college and one when I was in the army. And we were close. We were very good friends and we were together a lot. We slept in the same bed at times, we'd wrestle and play and even be affectionate without being sexual.. Everyone knew we were the best of friends and they came to respect us for it. If anything, the fantasies and porn and self gratification are mostly part of seeking that intimacy which had been seeking acceptance even earlier. 

I have been in a few longer term relationships with guys. It gets a bit complicated when you are with somebody as a partner but don't want to have sex with them. I didn't even understand it, so there was no way I could ever help them understand. They would assume I didn't care about them anymore. Trying to force your way through sex to placate someone else is only going to make you resent them and sour the entire relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get off to fantasies or images of men on your own while still being in a close, intimate and affectionate relationship with someone. In my relationships, I didn't want to have sex, but still wanted to get myself off. But if my partner found that out, he would take it almost like I had cheated on him.

If you don't like sex, you don't like sex. Consider your porn/fantasy fun a fetish or don't even concern yourself with trying to define it. As long as you know what you want and you set your boundaries clearly, You don't have to justify it to anybody. If I had known then what I know now, things would have been easier, there might have been fewer broken hearts. I know I am asexual and I understand exactly where you are coming from. Been there. Things may change for you, they may not. You might change them. Just be true to yourself. Everything I've seen here says this group is very open and tolerant and they aren't here to judge or correct you. Only you get to do that. Whatever your answers are, make sure you enjoy the journey to figure them out.

Good luck V

Wow. Thank you so much for your input, and for sharing your advice and experience. It really helps put things into perspective. I haven't logged on here for a while now, time in which I've tried to figure stuff out on my own. I'm still rather confused by the whole thing, but I know that everything will be clear soon. Thank you again for everything! :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...