On Identity & the Grey Area

[Snao Cone]

Warning: controversial opinions afoot.

 

 

Saying that demi/cupio/grey etc. are not asexual should not make such people feel excluded from asexual environments or the asexual community. It is entirely reasonable for there to be sexual people in a grey area that can relate more to asexuals than the majority of sexual people. You are welcome here.

 

One concern is by calling these orientations types of asexual, when they’re really in the grey area that’s close to the realm of asexual, is that it will cloud the general understanding of asexuality. Asexuality is the overall lack of desire for sex and/or lack of attraction that leads one to want to share sexual experiences with a partner. If demisexual people are considered asexual, then asexual people will be interpreted as the same as demisexual – whether that’s logically accurate or not. To say “demisexual people will essentially feel asexual when they don’t have a close bond with someone else” is not an exclusionary statement. To say “cupiosexual people may be able to relate to asexual people when they feel socially excluded for not experiencing attraction” is not shunning cupio people from participation in the community. To say “greysexual people know what it feels like to experience sexual desire and attraction, but it is such a rare occurrence that they basically live similar lives to asexual people” doesn’t negate their experiences. These statements still separate asexuality from demi/cupio/grey sexualities, though, because they are, in fact, different.

 

To keep conversations brief, I can absolutely understand why somebody who fits more into these not-quite-asexual labels would call themselves asexual. If the point to convey is “I’m not looking for a sexual relationship” then calling yourself “basically asexual” certainly helps make that point. But in larger, more in-depth discussions, it is important to recognize differences. No such discussion should be an attack on a person’s character or authenticity; it should merely say “you are sexual some of the time, and thus your experiences differ from people who are asexual all of the time.” Discussing differences in experiences is vital to any dialogue, as is discussing similarities – which, between many grey-area folks and asexuals, will be numerous. And if your intent is to find a partner for a relationship that may involve sex, calling yourself asexual when you're demi/cupio/grey will go against your purpose. It will also go against the purpose of spreading awareness of what asexuality is, because the assumption would be that asexuality matters nought when it comes to what people desire and/or pursue. People do need to be aware that a/sexuality is complex and individual needs vary.

 

Basically, there should be no feeling of being attacked or excluded from a community. Whatever your opinions on the breadth of a definition, everyone’s experience and perspective can add to the dialogue, and I’m very happy we have all sorts of grey area people here.

 

[nanogretchen4]

I consider myself demisexual, and I enthusiastically endorse this advice. I definitely don't consider myself asexual at all. In fact I'm not really comfortable being called graysexual because that sounds like people are saying that I'm sort of asexual or half asexual or something, when in fact I know that I am not asexual at all. To deflect unwanted advances or unwanted nagging to find myself a husband before it's too late I sometimes say I'm just not very interested in dating, which is close enough to the truth. The whole truth is that dating is unworkable for me due to the ridiculous time it takes me to feel attraction to a new person combined with the rarity and total unpredictability of this event. So for me demisexuality is a label that has helped me to thing about this facet of my sexuality more clearly. I'm better able to accept myself and stop forcing myself to repeat useless strategies. I can make better plans now that I understand myself better. That's all great, but it really doesn't have much to do with asexuality except that I've gone through some much longer than average periods of total disinterest in partnered sex.

[scarletlatitude]

<3 Well said Snow.

 

I consider myself basically asexual because it's just an easier label for me at this point.

[nanogretchen4]

In my opinion most people who identify in the gray area are sexuals and a few are asexuals. It seems generally accepted that a person can masturbate, watch porn, and read erotica and still be asexual if they have no desire to have partnered sex ever under any circumstances. I think some asexuals have fantasies that they don't ever actually want to act on or that are only arousing because they are impossible to act on, such as fantasizing about sex only with fictional characters. To my mind that doesn't count as desire for partnered sex, but if someone is using a much stricter definition of desire than myself I guess that's where the gray asexual label comes in.

[Tofer]

This is my first post on AVEN, and it was only last month that I started learning about the asexuality spectrum, when I stumbled on an article about demisexuality that didn't mention the word until halfway through. (I wouldn't have read the article otherwise because I had a thing about not wanting to use labels -- until I found the right label for me, that is). So yes, I consider myself demisexual. In the late 1990s when I gave up on labels and started telling people I'm "undefined," my explanation was "I'm more gay than straight, but more neither than both." So to think of myself as on the asexuality spectrum is consistent with my longstanding claim to be "more neither than both." I'm happy that demisexuals are accepted here, and I don't have an opinion other than what I've already written here as to whether demisexuals are actually asexuals or sexuals.

[EmFairy]

Being grace implies you are overall asexual, but are not ace 100%.

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, EmTheDemiFairy said:

I personally think gray asexual and demisexual fit my sexuality well. I only experianse attraction towards people I am already really close too and have known for a long time. It also only happens very rarely, so I am mostly ace.

By "mostly ace" do you mean closer to asexual than sexual most of the time? I think a lot of the disagreements that come up when people claim demi/grey count as asexual stem from a lack of clarity on that. You might feel like you identify with asexual people more, but I think it's very important to steer away from the potential misinterpretation of asexuality being "temporary", kind of like how sexual people might perceive demisexuality.