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Confusing combo of being bi and demi


loulou79

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After years of soulsearching and trying to find myself I've finally been able to identify as a demi-bisexual. Finding my label has somehow made me feel stronger and at least in some part, I've been able to shake of some of my insecurities. I'm not in a relationship, nor have I ever been, but being able to admit myself what I prefer has made me feel so much happier about myself.

 

I'm currently in therapy to deal with my severe anxiety issues, and having recently found my label, I really needed to talk about my sexuality with my therapist, something that I've never done before. I was finally able to bring the subject up on my session, and saying these things aloud felt good. The problem was, however, that my therapist, who isn't a sexual therapist but has dealt with issues about sexuality before to some extent, was pretty much unable to grasp the concept of demisexuality. I tried explaining what it means to her, but she understood it the way so many others do, as something perfectly common and normal. I'm not saying it isn't common, it probably is, but I was unable to explain the fact that most times sex is insignificant to me and I'm pretty asexual for the most part - and then, when the sexual me comes up, I suddenly turn into this horny thing and become attracted to a person I never thought of in a sexual way before.

 

So, we ended up talking more about the bisexual side of my identity, which is for me the less problematic thing to deal with. Sure we talked about how I'd like to come out to my parents (which I kinda already did), and how becoming aware of this quality about me made me feel (strong). What I really wanted to talk about was how confusing it is to connect these two things, when the common assumption about bisexual people is they want to have sex with anyone, male or female. I feel so many people perceive bisexuals as these constantly horny creatures. In my case, it's so completely the opposite, I hardly ever want to even think about sex with anyone, and even if I do, I need to know these people first and admire and love them, but the point is, I can be attracted to both men and women - in the unlikely case that I feel sexual attraction.

 

Does anyone else here find the combination of bisexuality and demisexuality confusing. I have this weird idea in my head that being both is impossible, even when I know from myself it isn't. You know, you can't not want anyone and want everyone at the same time? Does this make any sense? This is the annoying little thought in my head I want to shake off but it just keeps coming back to bug me, when really I just want to feel happy about having found myself finally, and feel like I just might be able to start seeking a relationship for the first time in my life...

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Being bisexual just means you can feel attracted to more than one gender, when you feel attraction. Very, very few bisexuals are constantly attracted to everyone. So, of course you can be both bi and demi - the idea that bisexuals are constantly horny creatures is a prejudiced stereotype against them, that you should try to ignore if you can. That would be like saying a heterosexual man who is around women all day will be horny all day. Completely untrue! Just be you. :)

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NerotheReaper

Biromantic is when you are attracted to more than one gender romantically, like bisexuality someone can be attracted to both females and males. While being demiromantic, is where after time and an emotion connection is formed is when you do feel romantic attraction to someone. You can be both for sure, you have the potential to like both but it takes time and an emotion connection in order to do so. 

 

 

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sir octepus tea

I´m happy you found a label you´re comfortable with. thanks for sharing your story

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swirl_of_blue

I would not say being bi/pan is wanting everyone, the same way I don't think a straight person wants to have sex with every person of the opposite sex they meet. To me it seems that non-heterosexuals are often seen as hypersexual, only seeing people of their own sex (or in the case of bi/pansexuals, everyone) as objects to have sex with. And I think we all know this isn't true. I identify as panromantic, and though I also think right now I'm asexual I wouldn't be surprised if I was actually demi: I just haven't met anyone I have a deep enough bond (romantic or platonic) with (yet?). And I'm really happy to be that way: if you only like one gender, half of all the people you meet are immediately ruled out as romantic/sexual/whatever partners because of their gender and I don't have that problem because gender doesn't matter to me.

 

I have also had to deal with therapists (for anxiety and depression) with surprisingly traditional/prejudiced views on things (in my case it was gender expression and the autism spectrum), and sometimes having patients/customers they don't understand at first can help them become better at their job, or at least my therapist said she felt she had learned a great deal and her eyes had been opened in some ways after we had been meeting weekly for two years. Sometimes I think the therapist can also simply be unsuitable for the person meeting them, and if it becomes too much of a problem finding another therapist may be the only way.

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nanogretchen4

I am also bisexual and demisexual. Stereotypes about bisexuals are annoying. When I was first coming out many people were very skeptical that bisexuality even existed. If you didn't fit all the most ridiculous stereotypes, no one would believe you were really bisexual. I think that situation has improved over the last twenty years, though there is still work to do. As for demisexuality, I don't see any reason why it's inconsistent with bisexuality. If you are never attracted to strangers based on physical characteristics and sexual attraction only follows a long acquaintance and a strong emotional bond, I'm guessing that makes you less likely to care deeply about what type of genitals your partner has.

 

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nanogretchen4, this was such a good observation! That's how I feel, it's really more about the emotional bond and really knowing  a person for me - all the few times I've been sexually attracted to anyone, the physical side really didn't mean much to me, it's more about the mind. After the bond is there and I feel the attraction, I do consider these people also physically attractive, but I really feel that seeing someone as beautiful requires more than perfect physique. I know it's a bit of a cliche to say that beauty comes from within, but for me that is the case. But when I realized that I had this demisexual quality about me, it did open me to the idea that I could be attracted to men and women for the very reason that the emotional side is the thing that means more to me.

 

I think I should try to explain this more to my therapist, I like her and we've found a connection, but this is a strange territory for her (and me). I just have this need to talk about these things now that I've found myself. I only wish there was someone around who actually understood what I'm going through...

 

 

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  • 7 months later...

I know exactly how you feel @loulou75 I'm coming to terms with it myself, and every time I find this label I think how can I be bI and demi? I tell myself perhaps I'm mistaken, I've never had a proper relationship so how would I know?  It's the same fear that has stopped me from coming out for 2 years. But thenot I realised,  it dosent matter what others think or expect or weather or not they say I can or can't be this. It's what I think of myself that matters, and if I'm true to myself, other people can go away! Be strong. You know who you are, and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise!!

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On 13/03/2017 at 8:26 AM, loulou79 said:

nanogretchen4, this was such a good observation! That's how I feel, it's really more about the emotional bond and really knowing  a person for me - all the few times I've been sexually attracted to anyone, the physical side really didn't mean much to me, it's more about the mind. After the bond is there and I feel the attraction, I do consider these people also physically attractive, but I really feel that seeing someone as beautiful requires more than perfect physique. I know it's a bit of a cliche to say that beauty comes from within, but for me that is the case. But when I realized that I had this demisexual quality about me, it did open me to the idea that I could be attracted to men and women for the very reason that the emotional side is the thing that means more to me.

 

I think I should try to explain this more to my therapist, I like her and we've found a connection, but this is a strange territory for her (and me). I just have this need to talk about these things now that I've found myself. I only wish there was someone around who actually understood what I'm going through...

 

 

Probs check out my other comments that I forgot to quote you on 😂

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