Question(s) for the aromantics

[Appalachian Sprite]

Romantic relationships are referred to jokingly (although in some cases, seriously) as "the ball and chain" or categorized as one where you are "tied down." From a lot of posts I've read, many aromantics describe feeling trapped and suffocated by being in such a relationship--although I'm sure any incompatible relationship between two romantics could elicit the same feelings. I guess my question is, what about such a relationship (if you've had the experience) caused you to feel like that?

 

And below is another slew of more specialized questions that came to mind as I was writing the initial query:

Is it the societal pressure, or pressure from your partner, to adhere to "scripted"/"expected" romantic gestures that makes you feel trapped? If your partner expressed romantic feelings towards you in the "non-traditional" way (i.e. the popularized romance of Hollywood and literature), was your response the same? If your partner was romantic, was the "disjointed" nature of reciprocation between their feelings and your feelings part of the discomfort? Did the prospect of having additional compromises in your life/career decisions or the perceived limit to your freedom play a part? If you're an aro in a QPR, what about the QPR makes it feel less restrictive? 

 

I don't mean to be nosy--I'm just curious and looking to understand.  

[EmotionalAndroid]

I've never been in a relationship. It isn't the "being tied down" that bothers me, it's just that I don't feel attracted to people in that way. I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship and I'm actually fairly romance-repulsed. I've never felt like I'd be "trapped" or anything.

[Mezzo Forte]

I don't think I've ever felt tied down in a relationship, but I felt a ton of guilt when I couldn't return my partners' feelings. I entered relationships in part because society kept telling me that friendzoning people was bad, and I secretly hoped that "fake it 'till you make it" would be a viable relationship strategy. (Spoiler: it isn't.) I really wanted to fall in love when I was younger, but I could tell that I just wasn't experiencing what everyone else was. 

 

A lot of my disturbance with touch in relationships came from the guilt, because romantic gestures reminded me just how much of a divide there was between mine and my partners' feelings. (I still don't get the appeal of kissing, hand holding, or cuddling though, even if we talk on a practical level.) I think any expression of romantic love where I'm expected to return said love is going to make me massively uncomfortable, so it doesn't really matter whether or not the action is associated with traditional forms of romance.

[Snao Cone]

I never liked the feeling of being responsible for someone, or including them in other areas of my life. If I tried a relationship I would never want to introduce them to friends or family. That would offend most people. I also wouldn't want to spend nearly as much time with them as committed relationships generally warrant. Even if someone isn't into storybook romance or traditional relationship structure, I don't think I would ever feel so close to someone that I could fulfill their needs in this capacity. I would be concerned about their needs not being met, while also not budging on my own comfort level.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I've never been in a romantic relationship, simply because the whole clingy, 'you're my whole world' thing creeps me out. I don't experience romantic feelings, so I can guess I can't understand such behaviour, even though I have extremely strong bonds with family, friends, and my bros (some might say I'm in a QPR but neither are my 'partners' in any way, other than in crime ). I'm also someone who needs a lot of time to myself and couldn't stand feeling like I 'should' be spending time with a partner on a regular basis.

[Arvid of Rivendell]

I've never been in a romantic relationship, but there is a lot of pressure on me from my family and their religion to enter into one at some point. Even the pressure to find romance is suffocating - most "romantic" gestures just seem gross and being "tied down" or co-dependent doesn't appeal to me. I'm very introverted - I need a lot of alone time and a lot more space than seems to be expected in a romantic relationship. With a romantic partner, I don't think I'd have as much independence as I want. My soulmate is myself, and I want to focus on what makes me happy; having to compromise and make sure another person is happy would detract from that. That probably sounds heartless or selfish to some people, but that's the truth. 

I am not in a QPR, and it's not something I actively search for, but I'm open to the idea of one. I think what makes a QPR less restrictive is that there are no expectations about the relationship; you can just love each other and figure out what genuinely makes the other happy. This also means that you probably have more independence and flexibility if you want it. 

[Appalachian Sprite]

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate all your responses.

 

Of course, knowing your orientation would inform whether you would enter into a romantic relationship to begin with, although I've heard of people discovering they're aro after already having entered into one. The experiences you've described have helped me sort of wrap my head around it. 

 

@Mezzo Forte I can understand the guilt, since I've felt guilt before in being unable to give my ex the physical affection he was after. There's a lot of pain in fighting and resisting those differences. As for disturbance about touch, this makes a lot of sense to me, although I would suggest that there have to be other, more romantically-inclined people (like myself) who are also not that into cuddling, holding hands, etc. Personally, I've always been intrigued by the limited physical affection seen in Star Trek between Sarek and Amanda Grayson where the only public affection shown is the light contact between their fore- and middle fingers. It's something different and muted by comparison to other more common displays, but I've always found it more special because (to me) it signified a respectful compromise. And I will say emphatically that no, I am not trying to liken aromantics to Vulcans with their unemotional facades in this scenario! 

 

@Anthracite_Impreza I can empathize with the whole "you're my world" thing as being creepy. Even if my brain fixates on a person and I realize I'm starting to fall down the rabbit hole, head over heels, I still can't stomach clinginess. I prefer partners be confident being independent and thereby actively discourage co-dependency through such behavior. 

 

@Arvid of Rivendell As a fellow introvert, I can understand the need for alone time and as a people-pleaser trying to break the habit, I find your focus on internal happiness admirable.  My ex was also an introvert, but took it one step further to the point I was his only close friend for years at a time and we were almost constantly together so there was no time to recover/recharge. As for there being no expectations about a relationship when it's a QPR...maybe it just points to my own views on romance or my propensity to only fall for close friends, but I believe that there can be that same leeway and flexibility in a romantic relationship if the parties involved are of a similar mindset. 

 

Again, thanks for all your responses! It's been enlightening. 

 

 

 

[russtopher]

I've come to terms that relying on someone relationship-wise is foolish at best. Most people who get into relationships barely know each other, barring those who have been friends for years.

 

I've had many relationships over the years, even a marriage and divorce. I'm not relationship averse, but at 39 years of age and at this point in my life, it's gonna take a strong emotional, trusting bond for me to get into another relationship. I'm an introvert, and I enjoy my freedom, only a few people in my life currently come between that.

 

I have one friend that I briefly dated for a couple of months. We decided to just be friends and she's become one of the closest people in my life. We even hooked up once in a moment of loneliness, and we are even stronger friends because of it. We know each other inside and out, down to our most intimate and vulnerable moments.

 

 

[Arvid of Rivendell]

1 hour ago, Appalachian Sprite said:

As for there being no expectations about a relationship when it's a QPR...maybe it just points to my own views on romance or my propensity to only fall for close friends, but I believe that there can be that same leeway and flexibility in a romantic relationship if the parties involved are of a similar mindset. 

Now that you mention it, I do agree.

What I meant to say (probably... I wrote that post over an hour ago; short term memory has since deleted the memory of my thought process) was there are no societal expectations for a QPR should look like, since society currently doesn't recognize them as a legitimate thing. 

[Mezzo Forte]

8 minutes ago, Appalachian Sprite said:

@Mezzo Forte I can understand the guilt, since I've felt guilt before in being unable to give my ex the physical affection he was after. There's a lot of pain in fighting and resisting those differences. As for disturbance about touch, this makes a lot of sense to me, although I would suggest that there have to be other, more romantically-inclined people (like myself) who are also not that into cuddling, holding hands, etc. Personally, I've always been intrigued by the limited physical affection seen in Star Trek between Sarek and Amanda Grayson where the only public affection shown is the light contact between their fore- and middle fingers. It's something different and muted by comparison to other more common displays, but I've always found it more special because (to me) it signified a respectful compromise. And I will say emphatically that no, I am not trying to liken aromantics to Vulcans with their unemotional facades in this scenario! 

Always nice to share perspectives.  My relationship with touch is a bit odd since my family is so tactile, so I think I react more into the intent than the physical touch itself. (That said, massages are awesome and I wish I had more people in my life who saw them in the same platonic way that I do.) I appreciate the disclaimer that you're not advocating the "unemotional aromantic" stereotype, even if I didn't read what you were saying as likening Vulcans to aromantics. I figured that you were more interested in the light touch component.

 

A lot of my guilt back then actually stemmed from my empathy, because it made me that much more aware of the things my partners felt that I'm not even capable of experiencing myself. Just because I'm empathetic doesn't mean I have the social intelligence to know what to do with other people's emotions though. I often cope with emotional problems by evasion/distraction, so I've certainly seemed cold in my attempts to cut myself away from people whose moods were dragging me down. (I won't pretend I was in the right in most of those situations either.)

[Appalachian Sprite]

44 minutes ago, Arvid of Rivendell said:

Now that you mention it, I do agree.

What I meant to say (probably... I wrote that post over an hour ago; short term memory has since deleted the memory of my thought process) was there are no societal expectations for a QPR should look like, since society currently doesn't recognize them as a legitimate thing. 

 

This is also very true, there is no societal expectation of what a QPR should look like, although depending on how it's structured, from the outside some people may not even be aware that it differs from a romantic relationship. Having had a romantic relationship that is enduring and soft on romance modeled for me within my extended family, I have to say that's something I would strive for. My aunt and uncle met and married within two weeks (which even my romantic sensibilities freak out over), but they've always had an air of agreeing their lives were separate and they needed to care for themselves first so they could be happy and content enough before turning their attention to their spouse. Four children, and almost forty years of marriage behind them, and they are still two fiercely independent people, respectful of the space the needs of the other, while being there to support one another in difficult times. They complement one another quite well, are adept at rolling with the punches, and don't seem phased by blunt opinions or new self-expressions from their spouse. It's clear they hold each other in high regard and love one another deeply, but it's that companionate love more often associated with elderly couples that has been present for the majority of their relationship that I find beautiful. Anyways...that became a bit of a reminiscing tangent, sorry! 

[Arvid of Rivendell]

@Appalachian Sprite Your aunt and uncle's relationship sounds amazing! That's what I would want if I ever wanted a relationship (excluding romantic attraction, of course).

[Appalachian Sprite]

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Always nice to share perspectives.  My relationship with touch is a bit odd since my family is so tactile, so I think I react more into the intent than the physical touch itself. (That said, massages are awesome and I wish I had more people in my life who saw them in the same platonic way that I do.) I appreciate the disclaimer that you're not advocating the "unemotional aromantic" stereotype, even if I didn't read what you were saying as likening Vulcans to aromantics. I figured that you were more interested in the light touch component.

 

A lot of my guilt back then actually stemmed from my empathy, because it made me that much more aware of the things my partners felt that I'm not even capable of experiencing myself. Just because I'm empathetic doesn't mean I have the social intelligence to know what to do with other people's emotions though. I often cope with emotional problems by evasion/distraction, so I've certainly seemed cold in my attempts to cut myself away from people whose moods were dragging me down. (I won't pretend I was in the right in most of those situations either.)

 

Hahaha, always! Getting a look at things from a different angle is always beneficial--you just know more about it! As for massages, I was a band geek and theater nerd growing up: massages were just a regular thing and I am with you 100% on wishing for a de-emphasizing of massage as a romantic activity. Of course, there are ways to communicate the intent to have it progress from platonic to romantic or sensual, but overall I find it to be one thing: relaxing. And yes, I was more focused on the light touch component with my ST analogy. I've always found the Vulcan-human relationship interesting because of other things in canon (e.g. Vulcans aren't actually emotionless, they just conceal it). To make that sort of relationship work can be difficult because of the sheer amount of compromise and communication that it would require. For some, it's worth it, for others...not. And that's totally fine.  

 

For me, love is love is love; my partner would hold the same level of importance as my family members and close friends because I care for them deeply. The root emotion for me is similar, just that I express it differently between each relationship type. I can sympathize with being in a situation where you felt you couldn't express the same feelings back that your partner was expressing, and unless you were absolutely sure they would not be hurt by not receiving the same affections back indefinitely (which given most romantics is probably a slim chance), I can understand ceasing the relationship. Your own mindfulness about how any relationship makes you feel is paramount, and it's not worth it to keeping going along if you're unhappy or just "faking it until you make it" as you pointed out earlier. 

[straightouttamordor]

This is kinda tricky. I'm kinda confused as to just where I fall on the Asexual spectrum. I'm not aromatic per se and and I'm not necessarily a demi romantic either. I do enjoy alone time. Many mistake this for me ignoring them or that I don't care and so forth. Or that I am doing something wrong when apart. Neither is the case. Also I sometimes feel sexual attraction but not very much. Its not necessary for me to love someone. An orgasm isn't love and the absence of one isn't not love. So I could easily date an aromantic or grey. No pressure for sex from me. Alone decompression time is absolutely essential for me. I am an introvert. But I'm not a reptillian emotionless person Lol ! Relationships of any type require work. They are not a cosmic alarm clock that you wind and forget.

[Mezzo Forte]

3 hours ago, Appalachian Sprite said:

As for massages, I was a band geek and theater nerd growing up: massages were just a regular thing and I am with you 100% on wishing for a de-emphasizing of massage as a romantic activity.

It's funny, I was a band geek growing up (and I guess I still am? I stopped with marching once I hit college, but I am currently finishing up my master's in percussion performance and will be starting some kind of doctoral program this fall,) and even though some of the people would massage each other platonically, nobody ever really engaged me that way. I grew up only needing to know how to reciprocate touch, so I know nothing about how to instigate it. Touch barriers are weird.  

[Blackthorn]

I was in a relationship about fifteen years ago while going through my "trying to be normal" phase.  It only lasted a few months and I was very relieved when it was over.  I felt suffocated as if I couldn't really be me, and felt guilty for wanting to spend time alone.  I hated another person thinking they had some kind of say in what I thought, how I dressed and what I did.  I am not relationship material and would not be tempted to go that way again

[_01_]

I'd just want another person to like, accept and not try to change me. Like ME not some hallucination about me, unreal image... And don't call me cold, it really hurts. Last pseudo-"relationship" I had (I've never been in a relationship, friends were falling for me and trying to force me) was 9 years ago and he called me cold all the time and I still have trauma! Don't do this, don't call person you claim you love cold.

 

As for touch... I loove cuddling and whatnot. I need touch, like, soo much. I'm very happy being single, but I do admit that I feel like withering plant without any touch. First time I read here about cuddle buddies I was like... wait, so I can have, like, fuck buddies but without fucking so I can still stay celibate?? Sounds too good to be true, heh. But very interesting. I've never wanted marriage, kids, etc. The thought just never occured to me. So while example relationship above is interesting because they respect each other it's NOT for me - too serious, that'll never happen even if I'll turn out to be demi and fall head over heels for someone. Even if I'd romantically love someone, I'd never want to have serious relationship with him. Never. That's something thad the other person would have to accept and not try to change me and attack me with his feelings. He would never be the most important person in my life, he would be one of many. I'm not introverted, I have many friends and literally talk with random people. I don't want to be closed in a cage.
 

[Frodo]

On 3/10/2017 at 2:18 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

I don't think I've ever felt tied down in a relationship, but I felt a ton of guilt when I couldn't return my partners' feelings.

This is very me, even down to the "don't friendzone people" thing. But, I still consider myself homoromantic. My only two relationships with men, in high school, were only initiated after they expressed interest in me, and then I was like, "Well, I guess I should like this person back." Then in college, I accepted my attraction to women, and I've dated three women since then…and invariably ended the relationships due to my inability to return my partners' feelings. Which makes me wonder if I really am aromantic, or maybe demiromantic? I'm interested in women in a way I am not interested in men, and yet I hate dating and feel so much better single. When I've been in relationships, I have felt a bit suffocated/trapped, but only because of my guilt--I felt trapped by my guilt, not by the person, although the solution was the same (to end the relationship).

[helana12_03]

For me it has a lot to do with commitment and loss of identity. Being in a romantic relationship makes me feel like I'm no longer free to do what I want. It also makes me feel like I'm not myself anymore. As if my personality got lost in this relationship or something.

 

Is it the societal pressure, or pressure from your partner, to adhere to "scripted"/"expected" romantic gestures that makes you feel trapped?

To some degree.

 

If your partner expressed romantic feelings towards you in the "non-traditional" way (i.e. the popularized romance of Hollywood and literature), was your response the same?

I really appreciate creativity and I would feel flattered, but I still wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them. I would really appreciate their effort though and would be happy to be their friend.

 

If your partner was romantic, was the "disjointed" nature of reciprocation between their feelings and your feelings part of the discomfort?

It depends on the partner and what their needs are.

 

Did the prospect of having additional compromises in your life/career decisions or the perceived limit to your freedom play a part?

Oh yeah! Absolutely.

 

If you're an aro in a QPR, what about the QPR makes it feel less restrictive? 

I am not in a QPR but I'm more open to the idea than being in a romantic relationship. I feel like the expectations are very different. I'm assuming that QPRs require less commitment and allow more personal freedom. Also, you're not really someone's girlfriend or boyfriend. You're more of a special friend plus or something. There's no expectation of anything physical or romantic and people won't ask you when you're getting married or having a child. 

[Galactic Turtle]

On 3/10/2017 at 0:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

I guess my question is, what about such a relationship (if you've had the experience) caused you to feel like that?

I've never been in a romantic relationship but instead of feeling "tied down" or anything it just seems strange. Kind of like... if you met someone who insisted on always walking on their hands instead of using their feet. Sure they might have some very good reasons or feelings as to why they're choosing to always walk on their hands but I just can't see myself ever having enough reasons or feelings to also make that choice. 

 

On 3/10/2017 at 0:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

Is it the societal pressure, or pressure from your partner, to adhere to "scripted"/"expected" romantic gestures that makes you feel trapped?

I think it's really culture that determines what is romantic and what is not (for example, in South Korea holding hands is common between friends). I've always been a fan of good teamwork. In the sci-fi stories I'd write while growing up, there wasn't any romance between characters as you might see in other stories, but if two people formed a good team together they'd become each other's primary emotional support or confidant, telling it like it is and working towards both individual and group success. Physical distance didn't really matter. 

 

On 3/10/2017 at 0:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

If your partner expressed romantic feelings towards you in the "non-traditional" way (i.e. the popularized romance of Hollywood and literature), was your response the same?

I appreciate the kind of unspoken type of love that occurs between family members or good friends. I'm not the type to gaze into someone's eyes and tell them I love them, but just the notion of having someone's back I think is really great or just sitting down with someone and help them work through a problem they're having. Marriage is really important in my family so I hope when that time comes it can be with someone who views these types of things the way I do. Ever since I was a kid I really just viewed a husband as an added family member so I don't see a problem treating them like I treat the rest of my family, separate beds and all.  

 

On 3/10/2017 at 0:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

Did the prospect of having additional compromises in your life/career decisions or the perceived limit to your freedom play a part?

The reality of romantic relationships is that they are usually inherently limiting depending on how high maintenance the other person is. It's the reason why lots of college kids choose to not date and just "have fun" while trudging through their studies and figuring out their lives. For me this wasn't really a factor, or rather, I never got to that point in the decision making process. It's not like I actively avoid relationships, I just don't like people the way other people seem to like people and somewhere down the line I realized that what other people had is something I just naturally didn't seem to fit into.

[Sleepy Skeleton]

Maybe not exactly aromantic, but definitely aro-spec.

 

For me, the biggest reason I felt uncomfortable in romantic relationships was that I always needed space. My partners would be disappointed if I didn't spend my free time with them. Since I was in high school for both of them, this meant I had to give up my weekends, which were absolutely necessary for my mental health. I couldn't afford to spend my free time on anyone other than me.

 

But I also felt "tied down" in other ways. My boyfriend always wanted to hold my hand or put his arm around me in public, even when we were sitting with other people. It just felt so bizarre to me. I guess I valued my regular friends as much as I valued him. And other times I would go with him to hang out with his friends with whom I wasn't familiar with and I'd feel out of place, like I was only there to prove that he had a girlfriend. Other times I would be chatting with some people and out of nowhere I'd be asked "where's [boyfriend]?" as if it was such a weird occurance that we weren't around each other all the time. It did feel suffocating.

 

Basically, I can't stand the feelings of just being someone's partner. I'm not anyone's other half. I am my own person. I feel like whenever I'm in a relationship it's harder for people to respect me as an individual.

 

Is it the societal pressure, or pressure from your partner, to adhere to "scripted"/"expected" romantic gestures that makes you feel trapped?

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Most of the ways couples are "supposed" to act are not what I want to do. Most if not all romantic gerstures are meaningless to me. What a person would want out of a relationship with me is exactly the opposite of what I would be comfortable doing. So yes, I would feel trapped if I was expected to do them anyway.

[Lorna81]

On 10/03/2017 at 5:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

many aromantics describe feeling trapped and suffocated by being in such a relationship--although I'm sure any incompatible relationship between two romantics could elicit the same feelings. I guess my question is, what about such a relationship (if you've had the experience) caused you to feel like that?

As someone who has ended up in relationships because I've felt queerplatonic love whilst the other person has felt romantic love, I've felt uncomfortable with the different degree of love. I've never been able to initiate hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, look into someone's eyes or say 'I love you' as more than a mumble. It's felt really unnatural. I don't understand romance and have felt a big divide in the quality of feelings.

 

On 10/03/2017 at 5:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

Is it the societal pressure, or pressure from your partner, to adhere to "scripted"/"expected" romantic gestures that makes you feel trapped? If your partner expressed romantic feelings towards you in the "non-traditional" way (i.e. the popularized romance of Hollywood and literature), was your response the same?

I think my partners have already known I'd squirm and run if they did anything scriptedly/Hollywoodly romantic. Even when they've tried to be discreet I've felt uncomfortable.

 

On 10/03/2017 at 5:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

If your partner was romantic, was the "disjointed" nature of reciprocation between their feelings and your feelings part of the discomfort?

Yes!!!

On 10/03/2017 at 5:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

Did the prospect of having additional compromises in your life/career decisions or the perceived limit to your freedom play a part?

This only happened in one relationship, where I made the mistake of moving in with someone and, yes, it played a part in me giving me up my PhD. Never again!

 

On 10/03/2017 at 5:59 PM, Appalachian Sprite said:

If you're an aro in a QPR, what about the QPR makes it feel less restrictive?

I haven't had the fortune of being in a QPR because my friends have either dumped me for romantic and sexual partners or wanted a romantic and sexual relationship with me. But hypothetically, being able to relax together, talk about anything, go out places, have fun, and depend on each other without the confusing romantic stuff that makes me feel out of my depth!

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

Back in high school I was always by myself and never wanted a relationship. I just pretended that I was "normal"  I did date but I was never sexual and still never been sexual. MY ex forced me to kiss him and hug him further ruining my  thoughts of ever wanting a relationship ever again. I've  always been this way, it may vary in other individuals though. For me I just thought it was natural so I stuck with it and excepted it. 

[cinary]

I'm not aromantic, but I'm definitely somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.

 

I kinda want to be in a relationship, althought if it would be romantic (well, from the other person side only most probably) or platonic I don't know. But on the other hand I'm an introvert and i like spending time alone and I need it, and I'm very independent and a little of a control freek when it comes to me and my life, so I don't really know if any relationship would work for me.