Very much in Love n Pain

[Mrs.Tin]

Hello ,

 First of all....Tnx to this platform...i never even knew the word ''asexual'' but when i came across this site ...i got to knw that my family life is facing this very same problem...Finally i was at peace to knw the reason behind my problems...but still dont knw the solution to it.Am a sexual woman, 31 yrs old n married for 6 yrs.We had a arranged cum love marriage.My husband is very handsome,loving n caring.Our main problem is sex..other than that i have a blissful marriage any woman would dream of...My husband kissed me on our first date n it was so very beautiful....everything after that was so intense n beautiful (though we didnt had sex)until our first night.On our first night due to some intimate reason i asked him not to have intercourse..he agreed to it n understood my plight....but not in any wild dream i thought that was the beginning n end of it...Even after 2 weeks,he didnt wanted to have sex at all..so i began insisting to have sex....so slowly we started doing it n went good for a while....but after sometime we got to knw that he had no sperm count at all due to vericoceles....we treated it through surgery...then he went abroad for work....He wil come down to home in every 3 months...our first vacation together was great....But with every vacation our sex became considerably low n low...Now in the last 2 yrs we might have had 6 or 7 times...thats it.....we used to go for so many tours but without any sex...i feel so bad when he ignores my feelings like that.I really didnt knew what to do, whom to talk to...but always slept crying n blaming my fate.I thought we had communication problem..so i discussed with him what i really felt...he wil say next time it wil be gud n he wil change...but the plight remains the same in every vacation.I even suggested to see a doctor but he dont want it.Then i thought ..may be m not good in bed n started feeling depressed....Then i began to watch him closely and i felt all the more depressed....He likes to masturbate even if m on bed with him...he also like to watch foot fetish porn n only that....not anything that shows real sex....he never watches porn with me..he never sex talk to me...even though when he is abroad...we have never had phone sex til date,though we use to talk for 2 hours daily on skype...i tried everything i could but all in vain...but when ever we have sex m very much satisfied...he knws to do gud sex....but he never shows interest in it....m sure he is straight...but i doubt if he is asexual...i dont knw their characteristics or anything of being a asexual....he have never admitted being a asexual..he always say he like to have sex with me but acts indifferently...i love him so much...he too loves me like anything....he is there for me in all my good n bad times...he takes care of me when m ill...i want to continue this relation no matter what...but sometimes i breakdown like anything....i really dream of some wild intimate moments with him....but now i have become hopeless...i really dont want to cheat on him as it wil surely break his heart n i cant never live with that...i need a solution....any advice would be well appreciated....sorry to keep my story so long....Tnx

[012]

I don't have a "solution".  But I would say he does have at least some traits that fall under asexual spectrum, though.  He's not repulsed by sex but is clearly completely indifferent to it.  That would not be because of you, it's just how he is.  His masturbating doesn't really mean anything either, us males just need to umm "unload", it doesn't mean he wants or needs intercourse.  Is he familiar with asexuality?  He could be Ace and just doesn't realize it.

 

Based on your description, I actually see some very real similarities (not everything) between your husband (and his sexuality in marriage) and myself.

 

I know it's hard but one thing you shouldn't do is blame yourself for his lack of interest in sex, since it sounds like you're not the reason.

 

You said he verbally tells you that he wants to have sex with you but doesn't act on that.  So I'm going to guess that he's just saying that to avoid a fight.  You might want to try giving him some materials to read about asexuality and see what he thinks.  Try to do it in a very non-confrontational and supportive way. You have to understand that if he comes to realize that he's "different" from most men, it'll be a bit of a shocking moment for him, actually.   If you're very supportive of him, maybe he'll be more supportive of you.  Good luck.

[Mrs.Tin]

Tnx for ur reply...it really means a lot...i do beleive that he is not familiar with the idea of asexuality....even myself got to knw abt this very recently.All these years i was brain storming what went wrong with my marriage?? y is he behaving like this??..am i not gud in bed..??m i not attractive enough..??.he is too loving but when it comes to love making, everything becomes too mechanical...i have a feeling that he feel obliged to do it and it doesnt come naturally to him...i know he wil never leave me..n i dont want that too.All i wanted was to know the reason...now after being in this platform ,i have come into terms with it...Now the question is how long can i live with it, just by pleasing myself , without cheating him (coz i cant live with it either),i dont want to force him either to make love...now i really understand , what he might be going through...i really want this relationship to work out..He wants to have kids too..but he insist me to get medical help rather than to have it naturally as we both are healthy now...i feel that having kids in this kinda relationship is a big responsibility...should i go for it...??Personally i love to have kids n i feel it wil make me a complete woman but dont knw if it wil put more burden on my shoulders regarding this relationship..

 

Any suggestions and comment would be well appreciated ...i need help...if anyone goes through the same situation pls do let me knw...Thank you.

[Guest]

I'm mobile, no green post but moved topic to SPFA

 

Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like your husband is a foot fetishist. I think your best bet is to incorporate his fetish into your sex life as much as possible and negotiate a trade. You do the activities he likes some of the time, and he has sex the way you like it some of the time. Also, since he masturbates in the same bed anyway, I would try to build on that. Maybe you could make out with him before, during or afterwards. Maybe you could masturbate together or maybe he wouldn't mind giving you a hand job. If you can move the focus away from intercourse maybe there will be some improvement. 

[Mrs.Tin]

Hii thank u so much for ur response...Am always confused of what kind of pleasure does a foot fetish video would give him...He is always attracted towards ladies feet videos....before marriage he have played on ma feet but nothing after marriage..n when i noticed it ..i asked him y u dont do it anymore ..? But he never responds...i always make it a point to get a pedicure done n keep my feet beautiful...but still nothing...all he likes in sex is intercourse...n nothing else...no foreplay ..nothing...all the foreplay he does is just mechanical ..or atleast i feel so...n we use lubricant n go straight to intercourse...n he stays long ,which is a good thing for me , but still der would be no climax..he wouldnt cum , if thats the right word to say...but this whole thing happens only once or twice in a month...we both r staying alone...der is no one else at home...but still once or twice...is it okay or am i overthinking...i also love to have phone sex with him and i always ask him to do,but he refuses and it wil make me feel terrible n i fight with him..but nothing happens after all those fights...before marriage we have had phone sex n he seemed to be quite allright with it...but everything changed now...am i really overthinking....??pls do help

[012]

On 3/9/2017 at 3:26 AM, Mrs.Tin said:

but when it comes to love making, everything becomes too mechanical... and it doesnt come naturally to him

Hmmm... interesting now that I think about it, it was the same way for me.  I guess a few of us just haven't "got it" when it comes to sex.

 

With regard to you wanting kids... I'll just tell you this... in that case you'd have a lot less time and energy to work on the problems you have in your marriage.

 

I'm not saying don't try to do it, but you have to realize your life will be a lot more hectic and stressful then.  You have to consider if your already strained marriage can handle that.