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My asexual wife


Samo

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Hi everyone,

First of all excuse my English language.

I'm 33 years old, male, I have a high sexual desire.

 I have been married for for about 7 years. In the beginning of our marriage life i though this is not a big issue that my wife doesn't want sex and i though its a mutter of time and all will be fine. But years are passing and nothing changed, and i didn't have any full sexual releation with her. I spent all this years masturbating. She keeps telling that she is asexual person and she doesn't want sex, even smtimes we tried harder and masturbate her she starts crying after it. She feels hot very rare but she doesn't agree to go forward with it.

We tried many things, we went to doctors we made tests for her and all the results were fine and nothing is wrong with her doctors said.

 

I love her more than anything in my life, And cant imagen my life without her. But i reached the point that i can't handle this issue anymore.

 

Please please  please 

If here is anything can help to solve this.

 

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Sorry to hear this...I dont know any solution to it but i do understand ur pain as am going through the same situation...I hope n pray that ur married life dont shatter...tc

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Step 1: believe her. If she says she's asexual, then she is asexual. I know this is something that is hard for many sexual partners to accept, but you must if you are to have any chance of moving forward. Understand that this is something about her you can't change, and neither can she. And that's okay, it's not a failure on your part to "make" her sexually attracted to you; it's not that she doesn't love you either, it's that she is unable to feel sexual attraction towards you or anyone

 

Step 2 . . . is up to you and your wife. What you decide to do is going to depend greatly on what you and your wife are willing to do. One possibility is to have an open marriage that will allow you to satisfy your needs with another person or persons, with your wife's full knowledge and consent. It's not an arrangement that works for everyone, but it does for many, so it's worth considering. 

 

But if it's something you wouldn't feel comfortable with, or she objects to, then that may not work for you. In which case, you could try settling for masturbating by yourself for the duration of your marriage (however long that may be) but I wouldn't necessarily recommend that. It would not be good for you longterm, emotionally. You can no more force yourself to be asexual than your wife can force herself to be sexual. If you two can't work out a mutually satisfying compromise, then you may have to consider the possibility of divorce.

 

I know, it would hurt you deeply to do that, but it would probably hurt you (and her) less in the long run than remaining married to someone who isn't able to meet one of your basic emotional needs. I mean, it's killing you now and you've only been married 7 years. Can you imagine what it will feel like in another 10, 25, or 50 years, if you don't find a compromise or separate? Things cannot continue the way they have been indefinitely. 

 

That's all the advice I have to give, I'm afraid. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to offer. I hope you'll be able to work everything out with your wife. Take care, OK?

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If she doesnt want or like or remotely enjoy sex, then dont have sex with her! 

 

....talk about other options if you want to have a sex life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

One thing you can figure out is if you both are willing to compromise.  Would she be open to trying some type of sexual encounter, or is any attempt off the table?  Would you be okay with anything less than full penetrative sex?  If you both are open to trying, there is some wiggle room but it will take a lot of work and most of all HONESTY from both of you.  You need to listen very very hard to what makes her uncomfortable about sex.  A big part of the block is feeling that we must "give over" our body for your pleasure.  Make it clear that in a sexual encounter that what she wants or is open to is even more important than what you want.  She should never, ever do something in the encounter just to please you (and that includes masturbation).  If she agrees but you feel she's only agreeing to please you, again you should stop until you can both be completely honest.  She probably doesn't want to tell you what she fears because society says those fears are wrong.  Make a list (yes, a real list) of specific things she is okay with and things she is fearful of.  Do NOT do any of the things she is fearful of, do not push her on them, make it clear it is perfectly fine (and very helpful!) to lay out her boundaries.  You are building trust here.

 

The first step is to make her feel that sexual situations are not scary, that you aren't pressuring her, that she can stop at any time and you won't get upset with her (disappointment is okay - but not towards her).  FORGET about penetration / orgasm for now.  Does she enjoy cuddling?  Massaging?  Does she enjoy being kissed / affectionately touched?  Does she mind touching your genitals / you touching hers (again, NOT towards the end goal of orgasm - FORGET orgasm).  You are just trying to have a positive encounter where nothing at all scary happens to her.  Communicate!  I cannot say this enough.  Ask her if what is happening is okay, what is she enjoying, what is she not enjoying (add those things to the list and STOP doing them), what does she not feel strongly about either way.  End the session on a good note and make sure she still feels loved and wanted OTHER than sexually - maybe go for a walk.  It may take a long time to build her trust, for her to shed her fear, and for you to get anywhere.  As she gets more comfortable and trusting, she may be willing to renegotiate and progress on what she's okay with.  She may not, but at least she won't be afraid of it, just knowledgeable of her limits.  Hopefully you can get to a middle point where you both are comfortable - you get some kind of sexual encounter, she doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do.

 

None of this is to say she has to let you do more and more - she doesn't even have to do any of it in the first place.  If she doesn't want to try, that is absolutely acceptable, but then it really is on you to figure out if you can go without, get it elsewhere, or leave the relationship.  Maybe you get to a certain level, she's gone as far as she's comfortable with, and it's not enough for you.  That's fine, but at least then you'll both know you tried, that you're just not compatible, and that you didn't hurt each other in the process.

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