Can you *think* yourself asexual?

[Sugar-Tea]

A friend of mine is studying to become a psychologist and we had a conversation about phobias. She talked about how people can have a severe phobia, for example for spiders or heights, without ever having experienced any trauma consercing that subject of phobia. In these cases, the phobia is often something people have 'thought' themselves into, so to speak, for example under the influence of a friend who experiences such a phobia, certain tropes in pop culture or simply imagination. This got me wondering: would such a thing be possible for sexuality as well? Can you 'think' yourself to have certain fears or dislikes where sexuality is concerned, without there being any tangible cause for it (as in, being born this way/having developed this way, or having had a severely traumatising experience)? And if so, would it even make any difference?

 

Please note I do not mean to question asexuality (and whatever you want to include to the grey side of the spectrum) as a genuine orientation, absolutely not! I'm just wondering about the possibillity that some people who experience feelings on the asexual spectrum have come to those experiences, or strengthened them, through a (largely) self-induced process ofsemi-consciouss self-questioning and self-convincing, in sort of the same manner as people can develop -- very real! -- phobias or a strong, irrational dislike towards some thing or another.  

[Planet Ace]

No clue. *shrugs* I suppose it's possible, but I think it's probably pretty rare if so. I have heard tell of people who have suppressed their sexuality so completely that they are functionally asexual, but I'm not sure if that's the kind of thing you mean. I'm in no way an expert in the field of psychology, so this is just my (largely) uninformed opinion, which is going to be of limited use to you, I'm afraid. Perhaps others will be able to shed more light on the subject, and I'd be very interested to hear what they have to say about it as well. It's a very good question! 

[Moophie]

Just as a quick, non-depth answer; I would have to imagine so. 

 

I thought I was a lesbian for years. Thinking it didn't actually make me a lesbian, but without access to knowledge about sexualities, I certainly believed it.

[Guest]

I care quite a bit less about sex than I did as a teenager, but that's probably just because teenage hormones made my libido more obvious back then. (Not that I ever desired it all that strongly, but moreso than now.)

[Anthracite_Impreza]

No, asexuality isn't a fear or aversion to sex, it is an intrinsic lack of desire to engage in sexy times.

[Sugar-Tea]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

Probably. Our brains are pretty powerful things. 

Yes they are, that's what makes this so fascinating to me. To what extent is your perception of yourself and the world something you (can) control? Like Anthracite_Impreza rightly pointed out, one's sexual orientation is inherent -- it's something that develops out of nature and nurture and cannot be changed -- but as Moophie experienced, it's also something you can repress or not realise, which means that it's mallable to the extent that you can make yourself do things or believe things that are not actually 'within' you, so to speak (which would logically include behavior and experiences on the asexual spectrum). I find that a pretty scary realisation.

[QueenOfTheRats]

I don't know. I would like to say no, but lately I have been wondering if I've "thought" my way into becoming aromantic.

[Sally]

No.  If you could think yourself into being a certain orientation, just imagine how many homosexuals would have thought themselves into being heterosexuals so they wouldn't be discriminated against, bullied, or  outright killed.   Many did try, in fact, and some have been sent to "conversion therapy" by their  families.  None of that changed them, except to make them  miserable.   I tried to make myself like sex for decades, and it simply made me miserable.  So no.  Minds are powerful, but not in that sense.  

[Sugar-Tea]

5 hours ago, Sally said:

No.  If you could think yourself into being a certain orientation, just imagine how many homosexuals would have thought themselves into being heterosexuals so they wouldn't be discriminated against, bullied, or  outright killed.   Many did try, in fact, and some have been sent to "conversion therapy" by their  families.  None of that changed them, except to make them  miserable.   I tried to make myself like sex for decades, and it simply made me miserable.  So no.  Minds are powerful, but not in that sense.  

I was thinking about a more or less involuntary and not wholly consciouss self-inflicted process though, not telling yourself you're something you're not while under the force of outsiders who tell you: you can't be this or that. So there's actually a subtle difference between the cases you describe and the one I described (maybe I didn't describe it well enough -- people with an unfounded spider phobia have convinced themselves to have that phobia, whithout making the consciouss decision: I'm not really afraid of spiders, but from now on I'm going to be). Going to conversion therapy is different in this regard, as you're trying to change your sexuality after realising what you are or finding yourself wanting things that do not fit the description of what you've always been told is 'normal' behavior. Same for trying to like sex when you're asexual.

 

Of course, there's a grey area of overlap here as well -- in a time and place when people weren't even consciouss of the existence non-heterosexual orientations, you would always believe you're straight, and keeping that up will have led to some degree of misery. Which makes the case of homosexuals trying to heterosexual indeed very relevant to this issue -- thanks for pointing it out --, which got me thinking about the question how to tell an imagined characteristic of yourself apart from something inherent. Because just like gay people forcing themselves to be straight, 'thinking' yourself to be one thing while you're really another can never really be a happy mindset, can it? The same way as a phobia, imagined or not, is never comfortable to people. If people were to have convinced themselves to be some thing they are not, they would always be repressing themselves, and things would never really sit right with them. They would always be doubting, even if they're quite happy with their lives on the whole. (But then, don't most people doubt the exact nature of their sexuality and everyting related to it at one point in their life or another? Where there may even be some who never really figure it out, or can never really accept what they are?) At any rate, following this line of thought, it'll probably all turn out okay in the end eventually, when you're free to be yourself -- and also allow yourself to be. 

[CozyPosie]

I doubt that thinking about sex, or fixation on a specific sexuality, would change your orientation. However, it could potentially induce behaviours that counter your sexual orientation. I find sexually fantasizing warms me up to engaging in sexual behaviour I wouldn't otherwise bother with (all for my partner, as she's hyper-sexual).

[Guest]

I've actually met a LOT of members here who "think" themselves into asexuality. They've generally never had sex (or at least, never had satisfying sex) or an emotionally intimate relationship and just find the whole idea of all that icky and strange, and can't work out why anyone would want to do that with someone else, eeeeew! They then they find AVEN/become convinced they must be ace and spend a few months or even years discussing asexuality and how it affects teens these days etc. Then they finally meet someone they actually really click with and develop romantic attraction toward, and start realising they want things they never thought they'd want, and begin to actively desire and enjoy sexual acts that previously never really made much sense to them. When they realise how pleasurable the sexual and emotional intimacy of sex is, they often lose their disgust towards and their hang-ups about it. These people became convinced they were ace pretty much due to a lack of experience, or a lack of having met the right person, and often due to a basic lack of sexual maturity (people mature sexually at all sorts of different ages). It doesn't help that this community in general seems utterly unaware that this is all extremely normal and something that many sexual people experience as they grow up. This community seems to think that you start wanting to bang people as soon as you hit puberty and if you don't you must be ace! So yeah, (young) people come here and literally convince themselves they're ace, they think themselves into it.. without realising they could very well change a lot with age and experience.

 

Not saying young people can't be ace, of course they can, just that I see people "thinking" themselves into the label all the time only to realise later that they're not actually asexual.

[straightouttamordor]

Yes I believe you can will yourself into being asexual. I think my own asexual mentality is the whole body of work from my past environment, my experiences, my future hopes and my present predicament. There was emotional trauma as a child, I have two failed marriages, I believe western culture and society are hyper sexual to the point of disgust. I believe I can totally love someone who is aromantic or grey and can't or won't have sex and I coould have an explosive orgasm with someone and not love them at all. Love can't be "made" or manufacturered or fabricated by sex and it also can't be absent because of the absence of sex. The whole thing is quite rational and logical to me. So I think asexuality is a good idea. Look at all the stife and troubles sex brings to bare. If one can live happily and contently without it then why not ?  How many sexual people are today quite happy with their partner and months or years from now think themselves into discontent ? Because their friends say this or that or their partner ages or they become bored or whatever. Asexuality is as much a decision as it is a predisposition to me. Both I think. I don't focus as much on how or why I am asexual but I focus on the fact that I am. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, prib23 said:

Yes I believe you can will yourself into being asexual. I think my own asexual mentality is the whole body of work from my past environment, my experiences, my future hopes and my present predicament. There was emotional trauma as a child, I have two failed marriages, I believe western culture and society are hyper sexual to the point of disgust. I believe I can totally love someone who is aromantic or grey and can't or won't have sex and I coould have an explosive orgasm with someone and not love them at all. Love can't be "made" or manufacturered or fabricated by sex and it also can't be absent because of the absence of sex. The whole thing is quite rational and logical to me. So I think asexuality is a good idea. Look at all the stife and troubles sex brings to bare. If one can live happily and contently without it then why not ?  How many sexual people are today quite happy with their partner and months or years from now think themselves into discontent ? Because their friends say this or that or their partner ages or they become bored or whatever. Asexuality is as much a decision as it is a predisposition to me. Both I think. I don't focus as much on how or why I am asexual but I focus on the fact that I am. 

I just have to point out that if someone chooses to live without sex, that's celibacy. Celibacy is a choice, asexuality is when you don't want sex in the first place so it's not a choice you have to make.. it's not even a choice you can make. I do see a lot of people mistakenly thinking they are asexual only to realise they actually do desire partnered sex, but if one is just choosing not to have sex because they think that's easier or something, that's technically celibacy.

[straightouttamordor]

Well if someone who is asexual masturbates doesn't that throw a wrench in the whole not feeling sexual thing ?  If one doesn't ever feel any sexual attraction, then what would you think about when doing solo release, cookies or ironing clothes ? I'm confused. 

Some people can't have sex too. Even though they aren't celibate. Whatever the reasons may be, I'm glad this website exists so people can hopefully connect who don't, can't, won't, or whatever the reason seek sex.

[chair jockey]

There is some relevance of this to me. I came to Canada from East Europe at age 10, not really knowing the language and having no clue as to the nature of Canadian society or expected behaviour here. Since assistance to recent immigrants was very poor in 1975 when i arrived, I got no guidance in being a 10-year-old Canadian kid and ended up modelling the in-class conduct of the most visible boys, who were very poor models. But what's relevant is that I developed this delusion that other people around me were these perfect opaque boxes who totally had everything together and did everything perfectly, as opposed to my own general ignorance and fumbling. That combined with a strong social need to cause erratic and inconsistent self-experience and behaviour during my formative years here. Is it a real social phobia? Not quite a phobia but mostly having been harmed by no responsible adult being competent to identify the nature of my issues and offer me real assistance with them. That was just the late 1970s and the 1980s, however, because the state of science on such things was pretty Medieval back then. I'm still dealing with the residual effects of that today, and all the real help I've gotten is help I've given to myself, with significant hindrance from my family and psychiatrists and other physicians. I've never had the chance to be assessed by a clinical psychologist because in Toronto psychiatry committed genocide on clinical psychology a long time ago and there just aren't any clinical psychologists to assess me.

[straightouttamordor]

Yes I suppose I am technically celibate and maybe not an asexual in the purity form. I can have sex but it holds nothing special to me. Its not a necessary component in a relationship.

[scarletlatitude]

I do know of people who are asexual because of something they experienced in the past. It does happen. However, if you want to get technical about that, there is a difference between not wanting sex and choosing not to want sex (as people said above). Although, also remember that orientations can change over time. These people who had bad experiences may have also changed to asexual at the same time. Or maybe they were always asexual and didn't know it. 

 

So I guess the answer to your questions are.... it depends. 

[AW10]

I do not think that you can "think" yourself into asexuality, you have to be born asexual. I used to think that you can manipulate things with your mind, given that decision comes from self, but unless you have X in you, "thinking" yourself into X will result to either nothing or health-issues. Well, going against the way you are designed for a longer period of time can lead to health-issues, so it is better to just accept things the way they are. However, I do not deny possibility of modifying parts of self through actual hypnosis that modifies human's subconsciousness by means of bringing human into extremely relaxed state.

[Puck]

I don't think that you can think yourself asexual, but I do think you can think yourself into not wanting sex.

 

I think a truly asexual person is not attracted to others. They might like sex, be ambivalent towards it, or repulsed, but they aren't attracted to other humans.

 

Someone who thinks themselves asexual is more likely going through some kind of trauma of some kind. I'm NOT saying they are horribly traumatized, but that an experience, fear, stress, or anxiety brought them to that point which is different than an orientation.

 

Of course, the asexual community can totally support such people, understand and perhaps comfort them, but I do think there is a distinct difference between orientation and - I'll call it - "causal asexuality"

[StrangeStory]

I tend to dislike (and get irritated by) behaviours that the majority of the population likes. This happens involuntarily. Just like a sufferer of a spider phobia doesn't say, "From now on I will be scared of spiders"; the phobia is just there. (Using the OP's spider example.)

 

Sex is a behaviour that is enjoyed by the majority, so I dislike it. In this way, I have "thought" myself into being partially or "grey" asexual or whatever I am. However, this is not the only reason I am who I am; there is also a weird fetish involved, and some sexual-development issues caused by emotional stuff of the past.

[jstuli]

I think that I thought myself into asexuality. I think I was just tired of not having answers and since asexuality was such an easy answer to all of my questions, I went with it.