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Am I asexual or just immature?


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xhazelicious

I'm a girl and I'm 18 years old. I joined this website because I'm really confused, and judging from the questions I've seen, it looks like everyone else confused too :blink:

 

Anyways, here goes. I really enjoy reading romantic ya books, fan fiction and erotica books, but I hate anything remotely romantic or sexual in real life. I dislike porn, and even seeing two people making out on TV disgusts me, be it a male and a female or two people of the same sex. I have a boyfriend, who frankly I feel really bad for. He used to keep talking about making out with me and stuff like "I cant stop thinking about making out"  and OMG I was so disgusted that the thought of jumping out of a moving car seemed more appealing than kissing him. I even told him that, but he didn't believe me when I told him that there's possibility that I'm asexual. I also really hate it when he gets romantic and 'cheesy'.. I'm always like "dude, please stop. You're grossing me out" My sister said I don't appreciate it when he's being nice. Like once we had a fight and he brought ice cream and chocolate to make it up to me. I was happy yeah, but not as much as any other girl would've been. It felt like I dismissed it way too quickly.

 But I do like reading romance, especially about gay guys for some reason more than straight couples lol. I'm okay with sexual situations too as long as I'm reading about it in books or manga/comics. I hate it so much in real life I'm starting to think it's abnormal. Like I get crushes and sometimes I feel like i want to be with the person I'm 'crushing on' but when I think about it more seriously, I get all disgusted again. I know when a person is attractive and I like looking at aesthetically pleasing people, but I don't feel anything else... All my friends watch porn and want to do stuff with other people and I'm like not even the least interested. I don't get disgusted when I imagine fictional characters in sexual situations, but fantasies starring me? I feel vaguely nauseous and immediately dispel the thought from my mind. A guy friend of mine told me that I'm still a kid and haven't grown up yet. Only my mom and sister seem to take me seriously. 

What do you, reader, think about this? Thank you in advance :D

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SpeakoftheDevil

Man, everything you've said echos what I was going through at 17/18. From the romance in fiction to hating it on tv. Even the boyfriend thing and my friends not thinking I appreciate him :blink: Sounds pretty ace to me, but something that really helped me figure it out for sure was to just.... start calling myself asexual. Once I did that I think it helped me get over the whole not wanting to jump the gun just in case I wasn't, and everything just fell into place. Now I look back and wonder how I ever was unsure about it :lol:

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xhazelicious
34 minutes ago, SpeakoftheDevil said:

Man, everything you've said echos what I was going through at 17/18. From the romance in fiction to hating it on tv. Even the boyfriend thing and my friends not thinking I appreciate him :blink: Sounds pretty ace to me, but something that really helped me figure it out for sure was to just.... start calling myself asexual. Once I did that I think it helped me get over the whole not wanting to jump the gun just in case I wasn't, and everything just fell into place. Now I look back and wonder how I ever was unsure about it :lol:

I'm confused though...:blink: Does this mean I'm aromantic as well? If so, will I ever really be happy in a romantic relationship?

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SpeakoftheDevil

Man, I wish I could give you all the answers but it's definitely something you have to figure out for yourself. I think uneasiness in romantic relationships often stems (at least for me) from the idea that the other person is expecting more than just the romance. Once that fear is gone it can be a lot easier to relax and enjoy being close to another person. I think it's mostly a trial and error thing unfortunately ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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If your partner doesn't believe you about your orientation (or possible orientation) nor respects your relationship preferences then they're not the right partner for you. Trying to dismiss/butter over problems also isn't a good sign. It sounds like he has alot to learn relationship wise and it doesn't look healthy enough of a relationship for you to volunteer being his teacher. Love can't fix everything and you gotta learn when to let go and look for the next fish in the sea, and there are fish in the sea.

 

Finding someone aesthetically attractive isn't a crush. But then you say you want to be with them, so I'm not sure if you could also be aromatic or not. Being into romance stories or erotica does not reflect orientation though. Who you desire sex with is sexuality, who you desire a relationship with/crush on is romanticism, not watching content of those things. It is plausible that you're a late bloomer; as a minority of people's sexuality emerges as late as 20, but saying you can't know because you're mentally "still just a kid"/asexuality is just being immature is erroneous and rude; you're past the age most realize their sexuality (i.e.17) and you can call things like that by now.

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xhazelicious
23 hours ago, Star Bit said:

If your partner doesn't believe you about your orientation (or possible orientation) nor respects your relationship preferences then they're not the right partner for you. Trying to dismiss/butter over problems also isn't a good sign. It sounds like he has alot to learn relationship wise and it doesn't look healthy enough of a relationship for you to volunteer being his teacher. Love can't fix everything and you gotta learn when to let go and look for the next fish in the sea, and there are fish in the sea.

 

Finding someone aesthetically attractive isn't a crush. But then you say you want to be with them, so I'm not sure if you could also be aromatic or not. Being into romance stories or erotica does not reflect orientation though. Who you desire sex with is sexuality, who you desire a relationship with/crush on is romanticism, not watching content of those things. It is plausible that you're a late bloomer; as a minority of people's sexuality emerges as late as 20, but saying you can't know because you're mentally "still just a kid"/asexuality is just being immature is erroneous and rude; you're past the age most realize their sexuality (i.e.17) and you can call things like that by now.

I guess you're right... he isn't really the right fit for me. He keeps trying to find reasons other than asexuality like "commitment phobia" and that other girls don't like porn either, but I don't know.. he's being completely ridiculous right now and he refuses to accept the fact that I'm not how he perceives me to be. He refuses to let go of his unrealistic version of me which he sees through rose tinted glasses, and honestly this is taking a great toll on me. So weird how people can be so blinded right? Thanks for the advice though, it really did help me :) and sorry for ranting like this.. I just wanted to let it all out. 

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On 3/1/2017 at 1:00 PM, xhazelicious said:

I really enjoy reading romantic ya books, fan fiction and erotica books, but I hate anything remotely romantic or sexual in real life.

I enjoy the occasional romance in writing, although the sheer overwhelming masses of it do irritate me immensely. If I choose to read romance then it's enjoyable. I don't, however, like doing romantic or sexual things in real life either, or at least those things I find to be romantic (i.e. I don't consider holding hands to be romantic and will happily hold hands with friends of all genders).

 

On 3/1/2017 at 1:00 PM, xhazelicious said:

I even told him that, but he didn't believe me when I told him that there's possibility that I'm asexual.

Anyone close to you should at least accept your own interpretation of your feelings.

 

23 hours ago, Star Bit said:

It sounds like he has alot to learn relationship wise and it doesn't look healthy enough of a relationship for you to volunteer being his teacher.

 

On 3/1/2017 at 1:00 PM, xhazelicious said:

I hate it so much in real life I'm starting to think it's abnormal. Like I get crushes and sometimes I feel like i want to be with the person I'm 'crushing on' but when I think about it more seriously, I get all disgusted again.

It's definitely not abnormal, and neither is enjoying it as a fictional concept but not in practice. It's pretty similar for me; as long as it's not happening in real life I can enjoy it. You're not the only one who experiences this.

 

On 3/1/2017 at 1:00 PM, xhazelicious said:

A guy friend of mine told me that I'm still a kid and haven't grown up yet.

Well, I mean, at 18 you've already gone through the average period of time during which people go through puberty and start to learn about who they're attracted to. I wouldn't say you haven't grown up yet. This is a terrible explanation for not liking something. Of course it's possible that you might find that your feelings regarding romance in real life change, but that doesn't mean it will happen, or that it's natural to "grow to like it". 

 

On 3/1/2017 at 1:50 PM, xhazelicious said:

Does this mean I'm aromantic as well? If so, will I ever really be happy in a romantic relationship?

It's possible that you're aromantic. I would say it's also possible to be happy in a romantic relationship, but I will also have to comment that there are many things that complicate aromantic/romantic relationships (namely expectations of both parties, feelings of not being good enough, etc.)

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@xhazelicious So do you feel romantically or desire to be in romantic relationships?

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xhazelicious
6 hours ago, Star Bit said:

@xhazelicious So do you feel romantically or desire to be in romantic relationships?

Not much actually.. maybe a little during the initial stages, but then the feelings quickly disappear and I'm left feeling all awkward because they see me in the romantic way and I don't.. and for some reason whatever I felt at the beginning never comes back...I don't desire to be in romantic relationships, but I'd like to have someone from the opposite sex to hang out with. just someone I'd have a close connection with and go out in dates with, without anything romantic or sexual. I know it's wrong, but I feel like someone having sexual feelings for me kind of taints the relationship between us, and I can't help but resent the person for that.

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Well, there are a few possibilities.

 

1) Expecting sex/having a partner that feels sexually for you while you don't could be what's turning you off toward your partner. Unreciprocated things are a very normal turn off, so maybe you just need to date fellow asexuals or sexuals you believe won't pressure you into sex. There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are OK with a sexless relationship.

 

2) Lithromantic

(aka Aporomantic, which I prefer because the prefix isn't a metaphor, plus its other alternative term akoiromantic has prefix problems)

It's when people don't react positively to reciprocation; resulting in loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion, and is under the Gray-aromantic umbrella.

 

3) You don't feel romantic attraction and are mistaking a form of platonic feelings for romantic ones, which kills off those feelings due to unreciprocation. (e.g. someone crushing on their best friend can mess up or even kill the relationship)

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GingerCycleNinja

This is exactly how I feel.

 

I've never been interested in getting sexually involved with someone, i like the idea of the romantic aspect, it'd be like living with a best friend. However anything remotely sexual has me grossed out.

 

I've only ever had one boyfriend, and even then we split on mutual terms fairly quickly, i liked the idea of dates and trips to the cinema, but didn't want anything further than that.

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  • 4 months later...
xhazelicious
On 2017-3-4 at 0:21 AM, Star Bit said:

Well, there are a few possibilities.

 

1) Expecting sex/having a partner that feels sexually for you while you don't could be what's turning you off toward your partner. Unreciprocated things are a very normal turn off, so maybe you just need to date fellow asexuals or sexuals you believe won't pressure you into sex. There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are OK with a sexless relationship.

 

2) Lithromantic

(aka Aporomantic, which I prefer because the prefix isn't a metaphor, plus its other alternative term akoiromantic has prefix problems)

It's when people don't react positively to reciprocation; resulting in loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion, and is under the Gray-aromantic umbrella.

 

3) You don't feel romantic attraction and are mistaking a form of platonic feelings for romantic ones, which kills off those feelings due to unreciprocation. (e.g. someone crushing on their best friend can mess up or even kill the relationship)

Wow... To be honest, all of them seem to describe me, the second and third one especially. Being lithromantic seems like it would be frustrating though :') Sorry for the late reply BTW. My post here on this site completely slipped my mind. I remembered when I started getting confused again.

 

Oh yeah, I started playing a game called mystic messenger where you get to be in a relationship with the characters (they're fictional, not controlled by a real person) and for some reason I really enjoyed the game. I found myself much happier being with Saeyoung (one of the characters) than I ever did in a real relationship, and when I imagined an intimate scenario with them, I kind of liked it :o this is the first time I'm feeling this way towards a guy (fictional I know) and I feel like I'm going crazy lol. Falling for a fictional character isn't healthy at all and it really sucks because they're not real.

 

I didn't mention this earlier, but I was sexually harassed for a significant period of time when I was in sixth grade or so. I don't remember much of it but it was...unpleasant. I know sexuality is fluid but I'm still curious about my orientation. It's part of my identity and I dislike being so confused about it like this :(  My mom's getting all upset about this because she's scared of me ending up all alone without anyone to support me... she's hoping this is just a phase and that I'm feeling this way because I haven't met the right person yet. I'm going off to college next month, which is in a whole new continent. I live in a really conservative place so maybe it'll be different in college. So idk, I guess I'll just see how it goes :)

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9 minutes ago, xhazelicious said:

she's scared of me ending up all alone without anyone to support me...

 

9 minutes ago, xhazelicious said:

I'm going off to college next month

Good plan! Become self-supporting, and get into a relationship only when you really want to. I wish you all the best!

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xhazelicious
18 minutes ago, roland.o said:

 

Good plan! Become self-supporting, and get into a relationship only when you really want to. I wish you all the best!

Thank you :) I really appreciate your support.

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Hey! Just wanted to let you know I'm 25 and almost exactly the same. I think I'm basically aromantic along with asexual, because yes, to me even things like making out are repulsive. HOWEVER, I am also a germaphobe, so I don't know... I sometimes wonder if I'm ace because I'm a germaphobe, or if I'm a germaphobe (and ace) because of other things, like the fact that I do have OCD and possible high-functioning autism. 

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SpaceAceMicah

Wow, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I wish I could help you but I'm not quite sure about things myself.

On 3/1/2017 at 1:00 PM, xhazelicious said:

I really enjoy reading romantic ya books, fan fiction and erotica books, but I hate anything remotely romantic or sexual in real life. 

 But I do like reading romance, especially about gay guys for some reason more than straight couples lol. I'm okay with sexual situations too as long as I'm reading about it in books or manga/comics. I hate it so much in real life I'm starting to think it's abnormal. Like I get crushes and sometimes I feel like i want to be with the person I'm 'crushing on' but when I think about it more seriously, I get all disgusted again. I know when a person is attractive and I like looking at aesthetically pleasing people, but I don't feel anything else... All my friends watch porn and want to do stuff with other people and I'm like not even the least interested. I don't get disgusted when I imagine fictional characters in sexual situations, but fantasies starring me? I feel vaguely nauseous and immediately dispel the thought from my mind. 

Maybe you should look into Aegosexual? It can include liking erotica but not wanting to be in the situation yourself.

And I agree with Star Bit about the lithromantic thing.

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