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How do you express desire for your partner?


Jolene1976

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Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this, and have been reading my brains out the past few weeks. One thing that keeps coming up from sexuals in a mixed relationship is the issue with "not feeling desired". Even though I have discovered that I, myself, am placed somewhere in the Ace-spectrum, sexual interest equals feeling desired...this is how I learned/experienced it. What I would like to ask is the following: How do asexuals express their desire for their partner. I am sure that desire does not necessarily need to be sexual. To me, desire has to do with needing your partner, wanting to be close to your partner, also in a non-physical way.

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Lord Jade Cross

Anything from a walk together to day at a park can be deemed as a way to express your desire to be with your partner. Even small gestures can be used to express this.

 

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@Jade Cross Being with a (probably asexual, he doesn't want to talk about it...yet) partner, it feels like learning a new language. How do I learn to translate it? Where is the distinction to a friendship?

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NerotheReaper

For me it is just the small things, I am terrible with expressing my emotions so I need to do it in small little ways. That good morning text, offering to do the dishes, asking them about their day. Little things may not seem that important, but not every day can be a romantic adventure so you need to show love and affection in little ways. 

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@NerotheReaper Do you though (or would) appreciate it if your partner CAN express their emotions. Like a kiss on the cheek, a hug, or saying something like "thank you, what would I do without you?!" Or would that overwhelm you?

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NerotheReaper
Just now, Jolene1976 said:

@NerotheReaper Do you though (or would) appreciate it if your partner CAN express their emotions. Like a kiss on the cheek, a hug, or saying something like "thank you, what would I do without you?!" Or would that overwhelm you?

Well I am the one who has trouble with emotions, if my partner could express them cool if not still cool. If they are able to express them, how you said a kiss on the cheek, a hug, would be great. It is the little things that matter. I would get overwhelmed if they were trying to make out with me all the time and very grabby. 

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Lord Jade Cross
3 minutes ago, Jolene1976 said:

@Jade Cross Being with a (probably asexual, he doesn't want to talk about it...yet) partner, it feels like learning a new language. How do I learn to translate it? Where is the distinction to a friendship?

Every new relationship is a trial and error language, you learn as you go. 

 

If youre the sexual partner in the relationship, aces tend to take some time to adjust to the setting. Unfortunately, we tend to be so bombarded with the ideals of sexual normalcy that any relationship with a sexual can be seen as a frightening experience because of all the doubts we have. 

 

The difference between frienship and something more is determined along the way as well. As convenient as it would be, sadly, nobody can just take one look at another person and say "Yup, you're going to be my lufelong partner" or "were just friends"

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@Jade Cross Thank you for this! As in the beginning he was the one initiating sex, and constantly wanted to hold or kiss me, and then completely pulled back and letting me know that he just wasn't so much into sex, the situation is a bit complicated. Him not wanting to talk about any of this makes it even more difficult for me. I, now, just don't know how to react. I understand that this is a new situation for him and that there my be a certain fear involved. Any advice how to make him feel more comfortable?

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He could be initiating sex, because he thought that was what he was supposed to do. Perhaps he fooled himself into believing, that was what sexual desire was?

 

Asexual would mean: "no sexual desire" 

sexual would mean: some sexual desire

 

...but both can also focus on desire to be together, to share moments, to talk, to kiss, to raise a family, to cuddle... all of which is dependant on the individuals involved. I like to kiss, she does not. I like to sit close, she needs space. I tell her that I love her and miss her. She says hi!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 27.2.2017 at 10:31 PM, MrDane said:

He could be initiating sex, because he thought that was what he was supposed to do. Perhaps he fooled himself into believing, that was what sexual desire was?

 

Asexual would mean: "no sexual desire" 

sexual would mean: some sexual desire

 

...but both can also focus on desire to be together, to share moments, to talk, to kiss, to raise a family, to cuddle... all of which is dependant on the individuals involved. I like to kiss, she does not. I like to sit close, she needs space. I tell her that I love her and miss her. She says hi!

I did ask him if he felt pressured into having sex. He looked at me like I was crazy, and assured me that this was not the case and that he enjoyed it. The sexual attraction lasted for about 2 months, then "stop". He pulled back completely, also from hugging or kissing. Since a few weeks now, I can see that he feels more comfortable and there are days where he likes to hug or kiss me. I understand that it is related to whether he feels secure or insecure about himself that day. I try to be patient, it is just very hard for me sometimes...

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My ace partner expresses his desire quite traditionally for a sexual person: he kisses me, strokes my hair and skin. But it’s not really desire per se – it’s not sexual, but more about care, love and many other warm things. Even when I feel his erection, it doesn’t seem so much sexual as sensual… Actually, only in these relationships with my partner I’ve learned the difference between the two words.)

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Original question: As a guy I'd express desire by

  • active listening
  • Asking for assistance reassurance opinions
  • physical contact.

I guess as a gal (never been one...) I'd also try to make an effort to look pleasingly.

 

Upon your follow up posting: I noticed that I can feel uncomfortable while together with a partner. And enduring "little talks" that made me feel entirely inept / voiced demands beyond my horizon / abilities / comfort zone made me uncomfortable enough to not pursue anything with my ex for the rest of the day.

On ‎14‎.‎03‎.‎2017 at 10:50 AM, Jolene1976 said:

I understand that it is related to whether he feels secure or insecure about himself that day. I try to be patient, it is just very hard for me sometimes...

Try to ask and analyze who or what triggers these feelings and figure out how much hope there might be. If he is day jobbing 90+x% as a human doormat and has no alternative career choices, things might be too tough to become pleasant in the long run. <-FTR: I picked a bold example. - I don't know what (how ridiculous?) cause triggers his moods but I have seen enough neuro-diversity to believe in hopeless cases.

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@Busrider Thank you for your reply, much insight for me there. He is self employed, and is working on several art projects on the side. He pulls back when he feels "inept" or "incapable". But instead of communicating with me about those feelings, he shuts down and retreats to his island. I try to give him all the space but constantly having to hold back my emotions is getting very hard.

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a good dancer isn't good at dancing, they are good at dancing just as well as their partner. if two people both stay arms legnths apart almost always one person will not be touching the other. try to find comfort in their comfortable distance.

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The simple things can really show a partner you care. From shopping in a store, seeing an item your partner would like and getting it for him as a surprise, to simply calling out of the blue to see how their day is going. I live with two gay roommates who are dating and though I don't witness them doing sexual things, they will do things quite often like what's mentioned above to show they really care for each other. Communicating well is one of the best ways an ace can show their feelings imo.

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