New and confused

[Inmotus]

So I'm an adult and have just realized I'm asexual and I don't really have any resources available to be to talk about it/figure out how knowing this new thing about myself affects my life so here I am on a forum that I know very little about

I guess I'm just wondering how you guys figured yourselves out and what you did about it. I know that's vague, but I'm kind of in vague confusion land so hopefully that's alright.

I also fear how some of my peers feel about asexuality and its legitimacy. How do you guys deal with not knowing if the people around you are on board?

[YamiCake]

Hi and welcome! I'm cake, nice to meet you.  

I dunno, for me I figured it out as soon as I found out what asexual was. And I don't really fear anyone around me not accepting it, as most of my friends and all of my family already know. If any other friends of mine found out and didn't like it well...bye I guess. lol

[Rallion]

A friend of mine who was a member here linked me to the site, and it made sense with who I was at the time... but... well, I posted the following in another thread but I think it fits perfectly here, so I'll just copy paste:

 

"My advice to you is this:
Don't worry about it. Don't let a word define who you are. Does it really matter if you're asexual or not?

Personally I like to just think of myself as.... me. I had considered myself asexual, but I quickly found that the term is at once too broad and too strict to fit me perfectly. Much easier to just be me and not worry about what words might be used to describe me. I don't tell my girlfriend I'm asexual, instead I discuss what I feel and don't feel under difference circumstances - that way she understands much more precisely than if I'd used what is effectively an umbrella term for a chunk of a spectrum. "

[n.triteleia]

I figured it out after a lot of internet searching. Where I grew up is upper middle class and primarily straight, cis, and white. So queer resources weren't really a thing. I couldn't do much about it until college, but now everything's chill. In terms of people not being on board, I try to just ignore them and avoid mentioning asexuality. Yeah, it can hurt. But its better than an alternative. 

[BreanneW]

Hi! Welcome and congrats on finding the online community!!  

 

When I was in middle school I never understood the "dirty" jokes everyone was always referring too. I thought it was just innocents but still to this day I don't pick up on a lot of them. I think that was a big indicator. Also, I grew up in a pretty small town (population less than 4,000) and there were no secrets. MANY rumors in middle school and high school were started about my sexuality and whether I was straight or a lesbian (obviously there are in-betweens but not in the town I grew up, to be gay was one of the most shameful acts). Due to this fact I hard a hard time knowing what my own sexuality was. I was so confused. I knew I was interested in guys but it didn't seem like I was interested in them the way other people my age were. Once in high school (and I was allowed unsupervised internet freedom) I started looking up why I felt the way I did. I came across an article about a guy who doesn't have sex, doesn't want to have sex, and it's okay. Now I know it was David Jay who is pretty much the person who coined the term asexuality for our "Sexuality". I then found this website and community. It was like taking a breath of fresh air. I finally felt like I could relate to someone.

I was so excited that I tried casually bringing it up to my bestfriend of the time (she was bisexual so I felt like she would understand and not judge) and the second I said something she immediately shot me down. She said I didn't know because I had never been with a guy or girl and that if I tried it that I'd like it and be sexual. So I turned my back on the community and tried fitting in. I picked up a couple sexual partners and tried my hardest to find that moment where my sexuality would be ignited. It never was.

My senior year I was feeling pretty upset and confused. That's when I made my way back to this community. I finally embraced that I am asexual and can imagine I will be for my entire life. Honestly, I'm more afraid to be sexual than asexual now. Yes, sometimes it's hard and lonely but I wouldn't want it any other way. Now I'm 21 and a senior in college. I left my small town and come out to many of my new friends. They were/are ALL accepting, most didn't know what it meant, many had questions, and some still don't understand to this day but regardless they still accept me for me.

My advice for when you want to tell your peers....it's good to think of a way to explain the fact that you can be physically attracted to someone but not sexually attracted (if you are physically attracted, you might not be) in a way they can relate to. In my experience that is one of the most commonly asked question (right after "But do you masturbate?) and probably one of the hardest concepts to grasp. My personal favorite is "Do you remember when you were a little kid? You had a crush on another little kid but when we're that young we aren't thinking about sex. That's not to say you don't have feelings for someone, you just aren't sexually attracted to them. That's what it's like for me, I experience everything everyone else does except for the sexual attraction and the desire for sex."

You're going to come across people who will not understand. There is no way to put yourself in their shoes and there is no way for them to put themselves in our shoes. It's a bizarre phenomena that I personally wish had much more awareness. Many don't accept it as a real sexuality. You'll have people who think it's due to a trauma in your life or a hormone imbalance. Regardless of if those things are true or not, does that matter? You still feel the way you do. Embrace yourself, don't psych yourself out too much. Just be happy that you now have somewhere to turn to where practically everyone can relate to each other. 

Again, welcome to the community. I hope my story didn't scare you, if you have any questions feel free to contact me! Just remember, confidence is key. If you are confident in yourself, you don't need other people's approval to be happy and know what you want.

[Foxyens]

I used to think I'm just too young to understand or something, but as time went on I bagan to realise that none of the sexual stuff has any kind of impact on me. My classmates in high school, heck even at the end of primary were all obssesed with sex and I simply couldn't relate or understand any of that. 

[Inmotus]

Thank you all for your replies and warm welcomes; this is all very helpful