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Any advice? (On how to react to a sexual experience, TMI but just for emotional yuckiness.)


spacekase

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Hey there, I haven't yet posted an introduction about myself. Still trying to decide how to word it, and how much to put on there.

 

But I have a little bit of an emotional/identity crisis. A few days ago I had sex for the first time, and it was like, whatever. I sort of knew I was ace, just trying to have new experiences (-and, I hate to admit it but like, to catch up with my friends who all have sex lives, but people have had sex for worse reasons). But I feel weird about it. I'm not here to talk about the experience itself, it's how I feel now that I'm having trouble with. I think, because I'm ace, I've never though about my own sex life much, and so I never really had to make any conclusions about it. But now that I did this, I feel like I have to rush to catch up, because all this new information is here in front of me. Like, I just didn't think about it. And now I feel kind of bad. Both because I don't like that I sort of forced myself and because I didn't enjoy it and I really hoped I would.

 

Mostly though I hate the idea of my entire sexual experience being defined by one event, but I feel like until I have sex with another person it has to be. Like when you only have one thing to compare something to, until I have another experience there's not even an in-between to consider (if that makes sense) but man I don't know how long it'll be until I have another chance. And even then I don't know how I feel about being a person who is willing to have sex with strangers, which is what I did. I've never felt like there was anything wrong with sex with strangers at all, I'm all for it, do what makes you happy. But now that I did it, I don't know what it means for me. I just feel out of balance. Like my life is changed now because of this - and not for the better, and I know there's probably another way to think about it, but I don't know what that way is, and that's what advice I'm looking for. Like, how do I frame this so I don't feel bad about it anymore? I know I shouldn't, I just wanted to have the experience and nothing bad happened, it was just boring and awkward, but not really bad or anything, but I still feel kind of awful and I can't seem to get back to my regular self. I'm scared I never will. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'm just really worried. I don't know how to get back to who I am, even if I get back to feeling normal there's still always this singular event that happened that isn't a mystery anymore. I really don't know what to do or how to feel about it. I just feel messed up and I can't shake it. Do I just need time? Is it worth it to try it again with someone new, even a stranger? I know everyone feels weird after their first time, but why am I feeling this particular way in the first place?

 

If you have any advice for me, especially from an asexual point of view, I'd be incredibly grateful to hear it. Thanks for reading!

 

(I couldn't find anything about not talking about sex, though as this is a network about sexuality it would be pretty strange if it wasn't allowed, but I apologize if this isn't tolerated and will delete it.)

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spacekase welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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Hi :-) I didn't want to read and run because I had sex for the first time for the exact same reason as you, and like you I found it boring and a bit disappointing.

I don't know if I can help you re-frame your own experience, but I can tell you how I think about mine, if it helps?

 

I don't really think about it as a defining part of my identity, it hasn't changed who I am any more than visiting a new country or trying a new food would change who I am. I just look on it as a learning experience. Now I know what sex feels like, about how long it lasts, some of the- err, details, and I've an idea of what I would do differently if I ever do it again.I no longer feel like an alien from Mars when sex comes up in conversation or in a movie. And now, when I choose to have sex or not to have sex in future situations, I'm making an informed decision. I used to wonder if I was asexual just because I hadn't tried sex. Now I've tried it, I am more confident that it is not for me. If somebody amazingly special comes along then I might try again, but generally speaking with strangers at least, it doesn't float my boat. (It also hinted to me that I am aromantic too, because the most awkward part of the whole thing for me was the cuddling afterward and having him in my bed *shudder*.) 

 

I don't know it that helps? I guess the gist of what I'm saying is maybe it will help to look at what you've gained from the experience, what you liked about it and didn't like about it, and what that means for you. Don't let it undermine your identity, use it to help understand yourself better. 

 

And I think it's normal to feel a bit mixed up. You will get back to your old self. Don't worry xx

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