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What exactly is the "limit" for things like foreplay for asexuals?


MoMotheDemigod

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MoMotheDemigod

(I'm not sure if this should go under asexual relationships or questions about asexuality... so I apologize if this is under the wrong category.)

Okay, let me expand on the title and give a bit of background information.

 

For starters, I write a lot of stories centering around homosexual or homoromantic pairings, and I base those characters off myself a little bit. I've not once been in a relationship, and I don't know what sexuality I am but at the current moment I like to think of myself as asexual. Again, I base my main characters off myself in some way or another, and my situation makes things difficult in the romance or sexual department, and I've been reading a lot of the forums here and still have questions since the entire area of relationships is foreign to me.

 

The origin of my question involves one of my characters, a young boy named Jasper who has recently gotten into his first relationship with another boy named Adrien. I never specified what sexuality Jasper is in my story, since I wanted the readers to make him whatever they wanted. Someone early on had asked whether or not Jasper was gay, and I gave them this answer:

Long story short, Jasper isn't gay as in homosexual, but in my mind he is probably either demisexual or asexual. Now, romantic attraction is another thing entirely.

So, is he romantically attracted to Adrien? Heck yes.
Is he sexually attracted to Adrien? Kinda. He's never really thought about it... Well, with anyone, really, but he doesn't see why he wouldn't do it with Adrien when they're a bit older and have been together longer. (After all, they are only 16)

Now, Adrien is bisexual, and since they are teenagers, I'd imagine his hormones would be running a little high, and since he and Jasper never talked about sex since they were too busy with school and saving their city from villains (it's a superhero story), he would eventually want to try taking their relationship a bit further.

He and Jasper kiss and cuddle and (even though I'd probably cringe while writing it) will get passionate in their kissing. At some point, Adrien would try to go further and sort of step into what I'd assume to be the "foreplay" area, and would slip his hands under Jasper's shirt or something.

 

Now, here's where things get fuzzy for me on that topic, and my question finally comes into play. How exactly would Jasper react to that if he was asexual? I understand that each person is different, but would he dislike the touch? Feel nothing at all? Enjoy it? And how far would it escalate to without necessarily becoming sex? I know Jasper wouldn't enjoy penetrative sex, and would only do it if he and Adrien were still together when they were older and to pleasure Adrien, but foreplay is fuzzy ground for me...

 

I don't know how easy that was to understand, so please tell me if I need to elaborate.... sorry it's so long.

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6 minutes ago, MoMotheDemigod said:

(I'm not sure if this should go under asexual relationships or questions about asexuality... so I apologize if this is under the wrong category.)

Okay, let me expand on the title and give a bit of background information.

 

For starters, I write a lot of stories centering around homosexual or homoromantic pairings, and I base those characters off myself a little bit. I've not once been in a relationship, and I don't know what sexuality I am but at the current moment I like to think of myself as asexual. Again, I base my main characters off myself in some way or another, and my situation makes things difficult in the romance or sexual department, and I've been reading a lot of the forums here and still have questions since the entire area of relationships is foreign to me.

 

The origin of my question involves one of my characters, a young boy named Jasper who has recently gotten into his first relationship with another boy named Adrien. I never specified what sexuality Jasper is in my story, since I wanted the readers to make him whatever they wanted. Someone early on had asked whether or not Jasper was gay, and I gave them this answer:

Long story short, Jasper isn't gay as in homosexual, but in my mind he is probably either demisexual or asexual. Now, romantic attraction is another thing entirely.

So, is he romantically attracted to Adrien? Heck yes.
Is he sexually attracted to Adrien? Kinda. He's never really thought about it... Well, with anyone, really, but he doesn't see why he wouldn't do it with Adrien when they're a bit older and have been together longer. (After all, they are only 16)

Now, Adrien is bisexual, and since they are teenagers, I'd imagine his hormones would be running a little high, and since he and Jasper never talked about sex since they were too busy with school and saving their city from villains (it's a superhero story), he would eventually want to try taking their relationship a bit further.

He and Jasper kiss and cuddle and (even though I'd probably cringe while writing it) will get passionate in their kissing. At some point, Adrien would try to go further and sort of step into what I'd assume to be the "foreplay" area, and would slip his hands under Jasper's shirt or something.

 

Now, here's where things get fuzzy for me on that topic, and my question finally comes into play. How exactly would Jasper react to that if he was asexual? I understand that each person is different, but would he dislike the touch? Feel nothing at all? Enjoy it? And how far would it escalate to without necessarily becoming sex? I know Jasper wouldn't enjoy penetrative sex, and would only do it if he and Adrien were still together when they were older and to pleasure Adrien, but foreplay is fuzzy ground for me...

 

I don't know how easy that was to understand, so please tell me if I need to elaborate.... sorry it's so long.

This migth not be the only answer, but...

 

my asexual partner, who is ok with occasional, scheduled sex, and even likes it, when we are at it, tends to dislike touches and hugs "outside the agreed upon sexy times!" 

 

In other words, if I hug/kiss in a way, that makes her think about the fact that I would like sex, then she moves away from it. Ironically, the less I show that I want her,the more she will be relaxed and 'available!', because the pressure will be off.

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That really depends on the person. Some people like touch, some don't. People can be a bit complex like that.

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I agree with @CBC on this one. How aces react it nearly as varied as sexuals, the only difference being the not desiring sex bit.

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11 minutes ago, ~Syl~ said:

I agree with @CBC on this one. How aces react it nearly as varied as sexuals, the only difference being the not desiring sex bit.

Me too.

Additional issues:

1 hour ago, MrDane said:

Is he sexually attracted to Adrien? Kinda. He's never really thought about it... Well, with anyone, really, but he doesn't see why he wouldn't do it with Adrien when they're a bit older and have been together longer. (After all, they are only 16)

 

1 hour ago, MoMotheDemigod said:

I know Jasper wouldn't enjoy penetrative sex, and would only do it if he and Adrien were still together when they were older and to pleasure Adrien, but foreplay is fuzzy ground for me...

What could make "abstinence only, till drinking age!" a concept to live in a guy guy relationship of similar aged participants? I absolutely don't get that. - I heard: starting out with guy friends or at their side before one gets into straight stuff was considered a somewhat normal sexual development.

"Abstinence till #", is an idea that seems almost entirely straight to me. - While I felt fine living it, I understood: Contraception is not absolutely safe.& parenthood might have a huge impact on the girlfriend's life + even worse a lethal one on my monthly allowance.

There was and probably still is: Handed down homophobia.

PDA / romantic touching seem unthinkable among straight guys and coming out at that age is maybe not really preferable. Keeping relationships closeted isn't easy. - Maybe that 's why homoromantic stuff never crossed my mind. I guess girl girl welcome / goodbye hugging etc. seems way easier to imagine / more tolerated by society?

 

To answer the foreplay limit question: Hands don't belong under (into) others' pants. No nude touching / making out.

But once again: Long term procrastinating sex suits straight teens much better.

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On 2/25/2017 at 11:05 PM, Busrider said:  :

What could make "abstinence only, till drinking age!" a concept to live in a guy guy relationship of similar aged participants? I absolutely don't get that. - I heard: starting out with guy friends or at their side before one gets into straight stuff was considered a somewhat normal sexual development.

"Abstinence till #", is an idea that seems almost entirely straight to me.

I disagree.

Obviously there's no risk of pregnancy, but there's a lot of teens who put off sex because they don't feel ready to do it, or only want to do it with someone special, just because it feels right. And that could apply to a guy-guy relationship just as much.

Plus, for an ace, saying that they don't feel ready could mean "I don't actually want to have sex but I'm hoping I'll want it in the future".

Also, it absolutely isn't typical for straight guys to fool around with each other as practice. That's mostly wishful thinking on the part of homophobic parents who think their gay teen will outgrow it, reinforced by misunderstandings about those bi guys who eventually marry women. (A lot of people genuinely think a bi person switches between gay & straight based on who they're with.)        

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8 minutes ago, Ettina said:

 

Also, it absolutely isn't typical for straight guys to fool around with each other as practice. 

Definitely.  I can't imagine that happening.  

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The "when they're a bit older" reply is actually a somewhat common excuse for asexuals thinking they'll end up being sexual at that said moment. "I'll want it later. I have to, right? Everyone else does." Going "he doesn't see why he wouldn't have sex with him" has nothing to do with sexuality; concenting and actually desiring/yearning for sex (which is what actually determines sexuality) are two different things.

 

If he desires foreplay for the arousal or orgasm then that's not asexual but desiring sex in a very specific and unusual way, even if there's no direct genital contact desired. Specifically it can be called Quasi-homosexual (because it is but kinds isn't sex).

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I think you answer your own question somewhat - it's probably gonna be fuzzy. Especially if he's not sex repulsed. He's probably gonna think eventually he might want it or like it, but can't quite understand why he's not wanting it or desiring it now - in the same way his partner is. 

So you actually get to make some of those decisions about how far is too far for your characters, since some asexuals do or can enjoy sex, whereas others are sex repulsed, and many are somewhere in between. 

It's even possible that the same act may sometimes be welcome and other times not - maybe based on the expectation he feels around it, or maybe the first time satisfies a kind of medical or theoretical curiosity and the second time is so-so and the third time it brings up all these feelings of "how come my parter is way more into this than I am" and it becomes conflicting and bothersome. 

If he likes touch and cuddling there may be conflict around "how come I like this and not that." If he likes masturbation, maybe there's a gap between "how come I like it on my own, but the same thing feels awkward or pointless with my partner?" If he likes none of those things, the gap between "I do love him but how do I show him?"

Maybe something feels good physiologically but leaves him with a sense of dread afterwards and a sense of "I think i should have liked this more than I did"

Maybe he just kind of avoids things. Like "not yet" or "lets go slow, there's no rush" and that then brings up questions in his world.

Maybe something was just okay. And he figures "just okay" is "okay" because he loves that he can make his partner happy.

It's up to you how sex positive/sex repulsed he is. It's up to you how aware he is of his sexuality and how okay he is with it. Maybe he knows about it deep down but doesn't want to. Maybe he knows it totally but doesn't have words for it. Maybe it surprises him and he doesn't know what to do with it. 

And if stories of asexual people's reactions to sex seem too sparse to reference (although AVEN is a great reference overall) you can also look at how some homosexual people have felt about or responded to heterosexual sexual experiences (plenty of youtubers talk about that). Again they range from "I always avoided it" to "no way" to "I did it a lot - and kept wondering is that it?" or even "yea I enjoyed it, but same sex was on a whole other level" (the ace equivalent would be yea I could have and enjoy sex but not having it is on a whole other level").

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I'm can't answer for all asexuals, but for me it takes a long time to get anywhere near comfortable with kissing or cuddling and as soon as touching starts feeling passionate/sexual I feel seriously uncomfortable and would want the other person to stop.

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i don't so much have a limit but I kinda lose focus and get distracted/bored.

 

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before I found out about asexuality i didn't have a limit. I was very uncomfortable and i would always feel like something was wrong with me becasue it was so boring and just weird. I always thought "it'll be better next time' or "he just isn't the right person" but nothing ever changed.

If jasper was completely in love with adrien who knows what he would do. every person is different. I know some asexuals who are in relationships or even married to sexuals and it is all about compromise. but some sexuals just have to deal with the fact that their asexual partner isn't going to do anything with them but it doesn't mean that they aren't sososooo in love with them(speaking as if this is a romantic asexual or anyone on the spectrum who can feel a little love).

and they're 16, some people do have sexual relations by then so just saying when he is older...is just uncomfortable becasue you're sort of denying his asexuality.

 

anyways just mt thoughts (: 

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