Advice needed, please

[Jolene1976]

Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this...in every way possible.

 

Let me start by letting you know that until a few weeks ago I considered myself a sexual just not having found the right partner. Well, I have figured out by now that this is not exactly the case. All my relationships started out with (more or less) enjoyable sex, but every time I have lost this interest very quickly...usually within a few months. After that, the relationships got difficult...duh. I have blamed myself for this, just not being in the mood or being depressed or whatever.

Then I turned 40. I ended my last relationship as my boyfriend got violent and physically abused me, and was actually quite happy being by myself. A few months in, I meet this guy online. Everything clicked in the right spots, and we met. We, both, were eager to explore each other physically, but I could sense (and knew from the previous chats) that he was not very experienced with women. Anyways, this time things were different. I have not felt any pressure to have sex, but actually enjoyed being with him physically. For the first time in my life, I understood what others were talking about this "becoming one". He was from the beginning very hesitant about touching or kissing me, but did seem to enjoy the closeness a lot.

So, everything is great...for about a month. All of a sudden, he pulls back. Hardly any kissing, touching...forget sex. As I did not understand what was happening, I tried to talk to him. The first thing he tells me is that he needed some time to open up. I respect that and did not push him in any way. Another month passes, he has now pulled back even more. I, again, try to start a conversation. This time he tells me that he is just not into sex that much. As I can relate to this I let him know that this was ok for me, but I asked him what made him pull away from cuddling or kissing. He did not know. I tried to ask other questions about what he enjoys and what not, he again tells me that he did not know.

We are talking about a guy who has spent half of his life looking into his mechanisms, someone who knows about himself and is not shy to tell you what he wants. He also made clear that he wants to plan a future together, that he wants to be with me. He was able to express his sexuality while we were writing, was able to express his feelings. To my face, not so much.

 

To make this short,  I don't get it!

 

If someone could give me any advice, I would be very grateful!

 

P.S.: Please excuse my bad writing, English is not my first language...

 

 

[Moophie]

Hi, @Jolene1976! Welcome!

 

Thank you for sharing. It's possible he could be on the ace spectrum, or it could be something else entirely. Various forms of guilt, nervous inexperience, lack of sexual education, social or performance anxiety, and so on. 

 

It may be worthwhile to introduce him to this site as well. 

 

First note; I can relate to him when it comes to superior communication online as opposed to face-to-face. I'm much more 'articulate' when I get the chance to type. During any other form of interaction I either clam up or over exaggerate to compensate for my woeful social skills. That may not be what happening with him, but it's one possibility.

 

If you enjoy being around him and see yourself in his company in the future, I would definitely advise sorting this out. It doesn't have to be rushed or forced, but it could be a great way for the two of you to become closer while you explore this together. 

 

Now... that being said, he may not want to explore it. And you'll have to decide if you'really okay with that. But at the moment, this is causing you some negative emotions and as your partner he needs to understand that. Communication is typically the best place to start. 

 

I also like to refer to this video about mismatched libido in relationships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTx2eWGPSU&app=desktop

 

It's short but covers a lot and links to a lot of other helpful videos.

 

Also, your English is just fine, don't worry.

 

[Jolene1976]

8 minutes ago, Moophie said:

Hi, @Jolene1976! Welcome!

 

Thank you for sharing. It's possible he could be on the ace spectrum, or it could be something else entirely. Various forms of guilt, nervous inexperience, lack of sexual education, social or performance anxiety, and so on. 

 

It may be worthwhile to introduce him to this site as well. 

 

First note; I can relate to him when it comes to superior communication online as opposed to face-to-face. I'm much more 'articulate' when I get the chance to type. During any other form of interaction I either clam up or over exaggerate to compensate for my woeful social skills. That may not be what happening with him, but it's one possibility.

 

If you enjoy being around him and see yourself in his company in the future, I would definitely advise sorting this out. It doesn't have to be rushed or forced, but it could be a great way for the two of you to become closer while you explore this together. 

 

Now... that being said, he may not want to explore it. And you'll have to decide if you'really okay with that. But at the moment, this is causing you some negative emotions and as your partner he needs to understand that. Communication is typically the best place to start. 

 

I also like to refer to this video about mismatched libido in relationships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTx2eWGPSU&app=desktop

 

It's short but covers a lot and links to a lot of other helpful videos.

 

Also, your English is just fine, don't worry.

 

Thank you, Moophie!

 

His social skills really are a bit...limited. Thinking about it, face-to-face he always tries to point out his achievements, as if he was trying to prove to me that he is somebody. He also has difficulties with rejection in any form. He is a very sensitive person, and I need to take this into consideration.

 

What bothers me though is that I do not know which side of him is what he really is. But this is probably just my own insecurity talking. It is also my own insecurity which does not let me be patient. Need to work on that...

 

I would love to find a form of communication. He struggles with it a lot and I don't think he is ready to open up. Again, I guess patience is the key.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[Moophie]

@Jolene1976 No problem!

 

I suppose that's fair to say, if you haven't been together very long. It's true that patience is good. But even a small unresolved relationship issue can be very damaging over time.

 

But, at the same time, if this is troubling you, you need to make sure he understands that. Again, it doesn't have to be forceful or rushed. And it doesn't even have to be negative. Exploring this could turn out to be a positive experience for both of you! 

 

I do highly encourage you to check out the video. The Dr. is a registered sex therapist and she can explain things so much better than I can. 

[Jolene1976]

@Moophie I have tried to talk to him in a very calm manner. Not attacking, not being forceful, but letting him know that the current situation is a bit difficult for me as I do not know where we/I stand. If confronted with this topic, he either shuts down completely or he sees every next word of mine as an attack and gets verbally aggressive. Knowing his background, I am aware that he has severe trust issues. I respect that but every conversation about this topic feels like I have to walk on egg shells.

 

We have been together for 4 months. To share something else with you, he gave up his live and moved to another country to be with me. He is a very handsome, well educated and successful guy. His life fell apart 4 years ago. He split from his family, had a very bad job experience (where his life was threatened), and lost his relationship of 3 years. All at the same time. Being very sensitive, and having nobody to turn to, he developed a partial hearing loss which accompanied a burn-out. As I had 2 of those myself, I know it can take years to fully recover.

 

Knowing all of this, I partially feel ashamed of regarding my own needs in this. I guess this makes me human after all :-)

[MrDane]

5 hours ago, Jolene1976 said:

Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this...in every way possible.

 

Let me start by letting you know that until a few weeks ago I considered myself a sexual just not having found the right partner. Well, I have figured out by now that this is not exactly the case. All my relationships started out with (more or less) enjoyable sex, but every time I have lost this interest very quickly...usually within a few months. After that, the relationships got difficult...duh. I have blamed myself for this, just not being in the mood or being depressed or whatever.

Then I turned 40. I ended my last relationship as my boyfriend got violent and physically abused me, and was actually quite happy being by myself. A few months in, I meet this guy online. Everything clicked in the right spots, and we met. We, both, were eager to explore each other physically, but I could sense (and knew from the previous chats) that he was not very experienced with women. Anyways, this time things were different. I have not felt any pressure to have sex, but actually enjoyed being with him physically. For the first time in my life, I understood what others were talking about this "becoming one". He was from the beginning very hesitant about touching or kissing me, but did seem to enjoy the closeness a lot.

So, everything is great...for about a month. All of a sudden, he pulls back. Hardly any kissing, touching...forget sex. As I did not understand what was happening, I tried to talk to him. The first thing he tells me is that he needed some time to open up. I respect that and did not push him in any way. Another month passes, he has now pulled back even more. I, again, try to start a conversation. This time he tells me that he is just not into sex that much. As I can relate to this I let him know that this was ok for me, but I asked him what made him pull away from cuddling or kissing. He did not know. I tried to ask other questions about what he enjoys and what not, he again tells me that he did not know.

We are talking about a guy who has spent half of his life looking into his mechanisms, someone who knows about himself and is not shy to tell you what he wants. He also made clear that he wants to plan a future together, that he wants to be with me. He was able to express his sexuality while we were writing, was able to express his feelings. To my face, not so much.

 

To make this short,  I don't get it!

 

If someone could give me any advice, I would be very grateful!

 

P.S.: Please excuse my bad writing, English is not my first language...

 

 

My asexual wife tends to back away, if she feels my desire for sex. She is a bit 'afraid' of getting into a kiss which may turn into a hug which may turn into a hands-all-around which may turn into hands-under-clothes which may turn into...sex. 

 

She is so much more comfortable with agreed upon scheduled sex by a known timeframe. A bit mechanical and businesslike agreement. ...but the effect is 'we have sex'. Fantastic for me, ok for her.

[Jolene1976]

@MrDane I thought about this, as I did exactly the same thing in all my previous relationships. I do wish to find a way to let him know that this would be ok for me. Unfortunately, he is blocking whenever this topic is coming up. I seem to not be able to find a way to communicate with him. Patience.

[Moophie]

@Jolene1976 Just try to be sure that 'patience' doesn't actually stand for inaction.

 

Edit: I get that it's extremely sensitive for him, and no I don't really know how to deal with that myself. And he's lucky to have you as a partner.