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Advice with coming out?


semi

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TLDR: Any general advice on how to come out to someone that may not understand asexuality and why I didn't bring it up sooner?

 

Hello all, we are about to get a little personal so brace yourselves.

 

After many hours of self-reflection I have come to the conclusion that I have been feeling sad as of late due to realizing my sexuality, but not feeling able to come out to others (my boyfriend especially) because I am scared of what may arise during the confrontation. I am scared he will not understand, I am scared he will be angry. He has made previous remarks to me in conversation that are insensitive to gender identities/sexual/romantic orientations which worries me about how he will interpret my news. He once said to me "if you became gay after dating me, I would be so sad. I don't want to have been the one to turn you gay". 

 

That's perhaps just me being really anxious about what I am about to do but I think it would be in both of our interests for me to finally come out and tell him what my needs are (especially because they do not align with his needs as a sexual person). I feel I may not be able to hold my ground and will probably tear up because I always seem to cry when I talk about things that are complex and important to me. :redface: 

 

What would you do in my situation?

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I had a similar experience... I told my last boyfriend I was asexual and that I just could not give him what he needed. He said he was fine with it but kept trying to get me to compromise, I didn't back down from my position though because I am so sex repulsed it isn't even funny. I can't handle the idea of something like that happening to me. 
In the end I broke up with him and...well let's just say he didn't take it very well. 
But I think it's a good idea to tell him, if he can't accept you as you are he's not worth being with. Just stand your ground if the need arises. 

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4 minutes ago, YamiCake said:

I had a similar experience... I told my last boyfriend I was asexual and that I just could not give him what he needed. He said he was fine with it but kept trying to get me to compromise, I didn't back down from my position though because I am so sex repulsed it isn't even funny. I can't handle the idea of something like that happening to me. 
In the end I broke up with him and...well let's just say he didn't take it very well. 
But I think it's a good idea to tell him, if he can't accept you as you are he's not worth being with. Just stand your ground if the need arises. 

Thank you for the advice ^^ , I will try my hardest to stay firm and keep in mind what you said about him accepting me. 

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As hard as it may seem, it's highly important that you tell him. The last thing you'd ever want is a relationship in which you both end up suffering. It's not a small thing either, I know that some people consider sex an absolute necessity in having a working relationship. 

 

How much anti-sex are you? Does it straight up disgusts you like me or does it simply have no meaning or purpose to you? If it's the second case, you may be able to work out some kind of compromise. 

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1 minute ago, semi said:

Thank you for the advice ^^ , I will try my hardest to stay firm and keep in mind what you said about him accepting me. 

Any time. :) 
Just don't let yourself be pushed into anything you're uncomfortable with, it's never worth it.
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3 minutes ago, Fenneki said:

As hard as it may seem, it's highly important that you tell him. The last thing you'd ever want is a relationship in which you both end up suffering. It's not a small thing either, I know that some people consider sex an absolute necessity in having a working relationship. 

 

How much anti-sex are you? Does it straight up disgusts you like me or does it simply have no meaning or purpose to you? If it's the second case, you may be able to work out some kind of compromise. 

Yea I was thinking the same thing as you mentioned, some people see sex as necessary. 

 

As for my opinion on sex like I would really like to not have it. I do not see the meaning in it, and I feel super depressed before and after it because I had to take part in it. Perhaps I am disgusted by it judging by my feelings towards it but idk I, idk what to think other than, I do not want to have sex.

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6 minutes ago, YamiCake said:

Any time. :) 
Just don't let yourself be pushed into anything you're uncomfortable with, it's never worth it.
giphy.gif

Thank youu, pretend I'm sending a hug to you in reply ^^

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45 minutes ago, semi said:

TLDR: Any general advice on how to come out to someone that may not understand asexuality and why I didn't bring it up sooner?

 

Hello all, we are about to get a little personal so brace yourselves.

 

After many hours of self-reflection I have come to the conclusion that I have been feeling sad as of late due to realizing my sexuality, but not feeling able to come out to others (my boyfriend especially) because I am scared of what may arise during the confrontation. I am scared he will not understand, I am scared he will be angry. He has made previous remarks to me in conversation that are insensitive to gender identities/sexual/romantic orientations which worries me about how he will interpret my news. He once said to me "if you became gay after dating me, I would be so sad. I don't want to have been the one to turn you gay". 

 

That's perhaps just me being really anxious about what I am about to do but I think it would be in both of our interests for me to finally come out and tell him what my needs are (especially because they do not align with his needs as a sexual person). I feel I may not be able to hold my ground and will probably tear up because I always seem to cry when I talk about things that are complex and important to me. :redface: 

 

What would you do in my situation?

 
 

Honestly, I have told people quite frankly before that I was asexual and most of them don't believe me. They would sooner believe gay but asexual absolutely not. Anyone who truly cares about you will accept you for who you really are. No matter what kind of sexuality you have. Also, the gay comment sounds more like an insecurity with his own manhood. What I think they are saying is "If I am so terrible you are no longer straight I must be an awful despicable person to disgust you so much". Of course, its silly to believe it would work that way but that shows major insecurity. It has nothing to do with you. 

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I can't really give boyfriend-specific advice but I have come out to a few people who didn't know what it was and basically I gave them a brief explanation and I also provided them with some links to some resources to explain in a bit more detail. Coming out to a romantic partner might be a bit more complex though, sorry I have no experience with that particular scenario.

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9 hours ago, Sherlocks said:

Honestly, I have told people quite frankly before that I was asexual and most of them don't believe me. They would sooner believe gay but asexual absolutely not. Anyone who truly cares about you will accept you for who you really are. No matter what kind of sexuality you have. Also, the gay comment sounds more like an insecurity with his own manhood. What I think they are saying is "If I am so terrible you are no longer straight I must be an awful despicable person to disgust you so much". Of course, its silly to believe it would work that way but that shows major insecurity. It has nothing to do with you. 

 

Ooh I never thought of it to be insecurity, now that you say so I can see that. Thank you for your thoughts its greatly appreciated friend, I will use this knowledge to hopefully have a good conversation with him ^^

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8 hours ago, Dragon_Niki said:

I can't really give boyfriend-specific advice but I have come out to a few people who didn't know what it was and basically I gave them a brief explanation and I also provided them with some links to some resources to explain in a bit more detail. Coming out to a romantic partner might be a bit more complex though, sorry I have no experience with that particular scenario.

 

I will definitely be providing some links thank you for your idea!! now on to search for some good sites haha :) 

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nanogretchen4

You have some reason to think he may react badly, first because it means you have incompatible needs in a relationship, and second because he is somewhat intolerant of other minority sexual orientations. Technically, you can avoid the coming out talk if you break up with him instead. If you are definitely going to break up you don't have to give a reason, or you can say something general like you just don't think you are right for each other. I think this is a solid option, especially if you are scared of him

 

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Honestly, I think being open in a relationship like this is essential, but it's fully up to you. I don't think you would want to lie and mislead him, but based off the whole "I don't want to be the one who makes you gay" comment, it seems he has a bit of insecurity that you'll have to be careful with.

 

Essentially, I think you'll have to decide whether you want to just maintain the relationship as it is and constantly feel like you're hiding something, or talk to him and take a chance in hurting him (but let him know that it wasn't HIM that "turned you into something.").

 

 

I'll have to admit, and this is a DISCLAIMER: I'm not relationship expert, and have never really had been successful in the field.

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nanogretchen4

Or, you could take the much ignored third option. You accidentally got into a relationship with someone who has an incompatible sexual orientation. Now that you know you are asexual, why not just say, "Oops!", end the relationship, and resolve to date within your orientation in future?

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