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Being Gray-A, and Dating an Asexual, can it work?


AmberSpark

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well, hi, I'm new here actually, and it was just because I just recently discover that I have been Gray-A, Demisexual, and dint knew it. I just tough that I was a Hopeless romantic and because of that i would not enjoy having sex with people. but now I have started Dating an Asexual and talking with him about this I learn about myself.

 

we are pretty new in the Dating aspect but, I would love to know how to act with him, because he's the first Asexual that I meet, and don't wanna screw up. because I like him. 

so thanks in advance for any answer and advice that you could give me.

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Scintillatriste

I think it can definitely work, as long as you both are open and willing to discuss your a/sexual needs with each other. Don't do anything that you aren't comfortable with. In my opinion, the romance aspect of a relationship is so much more important than the sexual part, but sexual people probably feel differently about that. However, I've been in a relationship with a sexual person for 8 years now, and it's worked out because we both respect the other person, and frankly couldn't live without each other at this point. 

 

Spoiler for trigger warning/TMI/sex talk

Spoiler

Before I knew I was asexual, I would have sex with him when he wanted it, but I hated it. It made me avoid having sex, which made me avoid closeness, and made me afraid of romance because I thought it would lead to sex, which I did not want. It really added distance between us and harmed our relationship, and we have broken up a couple times over the 8 years (but haven't dated other people in between). Recently, when I realized that I was asexual, I finally told him. My partner told me that he has a "very high" sex drive, but he also told me that he could live without the sex. Since then, we've been happier. I can cuddle with him, knowing he understands that I don't want the cuddles to lead to sex, and that it makes me uncomfortable. I also now realize that he also values the romance aspects of our relationship more than he ever valued the sex. Now, that's not exactly a "compromise," since he's doing the compromising. As you're a Gray-A, maybe the "compromise" could be that you both have sex when you want to, so you never feel uncomfortable or like you have to fake it. Trust me, the fear of sex intruding upon your ability to feel comfortable and safe within a relationship can eat you up and make the relationship worse for both of you... so, bottom line, don't do anything you don't want to.

 

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Thanks for answering me, and I will put it to good use, I'm just kind of scared because I have just discovered that I'm gray-a and I'm still researching about it, and we are really into each other. We both like the romance. 

 

Spoiler for sex talk 

 

 

He told me that he did have sex with a previous relationship, but he did it just because he thought that it was supposed to be like that. And it was kind of the same for me, but at the same time sometimes I like sex, and oral sex, but I don't want to force him to do it, just because I want to have it. I'm a nurturing and protective person, I don't like to be the reason why another person is uncomfortable or hurting so I don't know what to do

 

 

 

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Among sexuals it is a plan to not risk a great friendship for bad sex.

I understand you are homo romantic? - In that case especially considering your asexual past I would suggest to have a talk and try heading for a strong romantic bond between the 2 of you and maybe an open relationship? - Casual sex seems not too hard to find in the scene but stable relationships can be a big challenge for some. Whenever you wonder what to do: Talk! - Don't push! Ask him.

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Hello, Spark.

Sexuality is far from the only aspect of a relationship. No one here knows if you two have a chance – it depends much more on your communication strategies, mutual respect and ability to make compromises than you being demi and him being ace. After all, there are quiet a few cases of sexual+asexual relationships working out wonderfully, so why not demi+ace?

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6 hours ago, Busrider said:

Among sexuals it is a plan to not risk a great friendship for bad sex.

I understand you are homo romantic? - In that case especially considering your asexual past I would suggest to have a talk and try heading for a strong romantic bond between the 2 of you and maybe an open relationship? - Casual sex seems not too hard to find in the scene but stable relationships can be a big challenge for some. Whenever you wonder what to do: Talk! - Don't push! Ask him.

Well first, I'm pan-romantic, I fall in love with a mind, I don't really care about if that person is male, female, Trans or anything like that I think that I'm more likely smart-romantic (have just made the word, for me it just mean that I feel in love of smartness and cunning, or something like that, I'm still trying to figure out). 

 

Second, I can't have an open relationship, or do casual sex, for me is physically impossible to get hard even with someone which who I don't have a deep bond with, I can have sex with friends, but don't think that I could do it while in a relationship with someone else. 

 

Thanks you so much for sharing your opinion, I'm not a talkative person, but I can try to be more open to it. 

45 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, Spark.

Sexuality is far from the only aspect of a relationship. No one here knows if you two have a chance – it depends much more on your communication strategies, mutual respect and ability to make compromises than you being demi and him being ace. After all, there are quiet a few cases of sexual+asexual relationships working out wonderfully, so why not demi+ace?

Thanks for the reply, do you have any idea of what kind of strategies can I take? Is just that I'm pretty much new in the relationship topic, and even more in the a/Sexual, gray-a. So I really don't know what to do. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
QueenOfTheRats

Personally, I would date an asexual grey-a, but not of the demisexual variety. I just don't really see how the problems would differ from dating a sexual person. Nothing wrong with their sexuality, and I know that's not something people choose, but they are not for me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/5/2017 at 7:02 PM, QueenOfTheRats said:

Personally, I would date an asexual grey-a, but not of the demisexual variety. I just don't really see how the problems would differ from dating a sexual person. Nothing wrong with their sexuality, and I know that's not something people choose, but they are not for me.

Why? Can you please explain to me why you could not date a demisexual? I'm just curious 

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nanogretchen4

I'm demisexual and I agree I would not be relationship compatible with an asexual. Since it takes me an average of between two and three years to develop sexual attraction to a new person and I can't predict who I will develop an attraction for, I see no point in dating anyone I'm not already attracted to. Once I have sexual feelings for a certain person I am just like an average sexual with that person. So if the only person I want to have sex with is asexual, that's not ideal.

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13 hours ago, AmberSpark said:

Why? Can you please explain to me why you could not date a demisexual? I'm just curious 

I'm not the poster, but I agree with that sentiment. I would not date a demisexual either because of the possibility that they would eventually ask for regular sex with me. I know when it comes to Demis, those sexual feelings may never come up no matter how they feel about the person, but if it does than the relationship would be no different from a sexual person- desiring sex out of the relationship.  As an asexual, I don't want sex. As a demi, you might want sex at some point. Too risky.

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QueenOfTheRats
On 3/13/2017 at 7:45 PM, AmberSpark said:

Why? Can you please explain to me why you could not date a demisexual? I'm just curious 

Personally I feel like I would run into too many of the same problems I would with a sexual person. Having somebody not be sexually attracted to anyone but me isn't a plus in my eyes. The only positive is they *might* be more open minded or accepting of my orientation than a straight person.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you all for your answers, I read then and I have to think about it, because I really like my boyfriend but now I see what can happen and this will give me time to walk away from him before we get too attached to each other or to see if we're still trying this, thank you all for your support and sorry that it took me so long to answer, I have been busy with work 

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It could work as we're all different. I'd just have lots of conversations about it. He is asexual but he may well be happy to have sex with you if the relationship went on. He equally might not also but there's only one way to know.

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