Questioning and it's annoying

[Oceana]

Sooooo, hi!

 

This is my first post here and it's a bit scary to write. I was contemplating on joining and possibly writing this for a long time. Today I finally feel, I don't know, comfortable (?) enough to share, so here it is. And already in advance: sorry if I make any stupid grammar, spelling or vocabulary mistakes. English is my second language and this would be hard enough to write even in Finnish, so bear with me, please  

 

So, I'm 23 and I have never been on a date. I have been hit on a few times, but I have not either been interested or I have been clueless. I also have had a couple of chrushes when I was a kid, but nothing major and certainly nothing that could count as love. I find people attractive (both men and women) and I like to watch shirtless men if they have muscles, because I can appreciate the work they put into it and I think it looks good. But I'm not sure if I think they are sexually attractive. I am actually fairly certain that I don't. Seeing women naked is no big deal, because I've had to deal with it my whole life in locker rooms. I actually sometimes find myself watching other women, because I admire their physicality, bet there is no sexual thoughts behind that, I think. Seeing naked live men from waist down puts me off a bit. I don't really like it. In videos or pictures it's not as bad, maybe because it doesn't feel real and no one can see me. I've kissed with a boy my age a few times when I was a kid and the only thing I remember about it, is how big a of a secret it was and how weird it felt and how bad it tasted.

 

It was sometime last fall (in the middle of stressing about uni and my father's illness and work and life in general, so not on a good moment) that I happened to read a fanfiction where one of the characters was asexual. I had heard of asexuality before and new maybe the basics of it, but the portrayal of an asexual character in that fic peaked my interest and I started to look more closely into it and found that a lot of the things fit with me. I had earlier last summer stated that I am not an asexual, when we were for some reason discussing porn with one of my friends, but lately I haven't been so sure. I think I have always thought myself as a heterosexual, because it's "normal" and un-complicated for the most part. And most likely I am at least heteroromantic, but I don't know.

 

After reading some more information on asexuality (and the umbrella, which messes me up if I'm honest) and doing some stupid online quizzes, which for the most part told me I'm asexual (but it might be because I was thinking like that in the moment, so I don't really trust their judgement) I started to think that, maybe there is an explanation on things that I feel and think. I belong to a group of five girls (we formed a group in high school and haven't let go since, although two of us live permanently further away because of studying) and they like to talk about sex. As far as I know three of the others are straight and one is bi. The sex-talk is sometimes pretty explicit and I find it quite gruesome at times. It grosses me out a bit. They are also quick to pick up any sexual innuendos that I have no glue about. There was a time when everything I said could be turned into something sexually loaded and I had no idea how (I still don't really), I just don't think my brain is wired that way and for the most part I don't really find those things funny anyway. One particular thing that made me think later was that once when we were 17 or 18 we went to a cabin and we played spin the bottle in a hot tub (or whatever it is). And we played it as a truth or dare so, naturally a lot of the questions were sexual. And one of the girls asked me as a truth what my fantasy was. And I thought about it and had to tell her that I had none. She said that everyone has one, but I could not think anything that I would like to participate in, which I found a bit peculiar then, but paid no mind to it in the end. And I've realised that I still do not have one. At least not a sexual fantasy. I would like to find someone to cuddle with and hug and maybe kiss, but anything beyond that feels strange and not repulsive but not something I want to do either.

 

The thing that maybe mostly bothers me about this is that I do masturbate and occassionally watch or read porn. Somethimes I find myself just staring at porn and wondering if they really feel good, because it looks super uncomfortable. I think I mostly masturbate, because it feels good, but the thought of having anyone do it with me is a bit weird. I think it might also be because I'm super insecure about my body and looks and well, pretty much everything, because I have a pretty low self-esteem, although it's gotten better the older I've grown.

 

I've talked about my worries regarding my sexuality with my mother and two of my closest friends. My mother shut me up pretty quickly saying that she didn't really care for sex either before she meat my father and telling me that it was weird thing to talk about between a mother and a daughter. To be hones, it hurt me a bit, because I thought I could always count on her to talk about anything. Although I also understand that se was under a lot of stress because of my fathers illness and financial things and all that. The other one of my friends reacted almost similarly. Telling me that maybe I just hadn't found the right person (which of course might be true if it so happens that I am a demi-sexual or something) and saying that it was no big deal if I was in fact asexual (is it wrong to feel like it is a big deal, though?). But the best response was from my other friend, who is bi herself, she was really supportive and told me not to stress about it and that I don't need to but a lable on myself. While I agree with her, I still kind of want to know, you know?

 

What terrifies me  the most though, is the possibility of being aromantic as well. I want to feel romantic attraction and I dream of someday falling in love with my best friend and maybe having a family, but I have never been in love or anything like that. And I don't think I have felt romantic attraction ever (if we don't count chrushing on cutest boys in school when I was like fourteen). I'm afraid of being an aromantic, because in my mind it would mean a certain level of loneliness.
 

Okay, so, sorry for the long post. I hope someone can take the time to read this. And if someone did, I'd like to know what do you think. I know of course, that this is something solely I have the say over, but is is possible that I am asexual? I sometimes think that maybe it's just me trying to be something different or something.

 

(Ah, my night is saved! Spent around an hour writing this, then tried to publish it and it singned me out! Thought I lost it, but it restored itself, so I don't have to write it again. Pheww...)

 

[LittleGoody2Shoes]

You don't have to be an aromantic if it doesn't come naturally. Don't feel pressure to be anything. I've been told that Aros can find partners too but they don't consider it romantic. Ask a an aro to explain that one to you because I don't thuroughly understand how it's different than having a best friend.

[deactivated account]

it's certainly very possible you're asexual if you don't want to have sex. weather or not there's some sort of "sexual attraction" force-like thing you may feel one day, doesn't really matter for now.

it's not wrong to feel that it's a big deal. but it could be mentally draining depending on how you look at it.

the possibility of being aromantic is a strange thing to worry about? if you want to be romantic with a person (kiss cuddle etc) i don't see where your concerns come from? maybe lack of crushes now? so.... hn first. you said you might be hetromantic.. do you encounter many men in your life? ever wanted to cuddle/kiss etc?

like karl said. you don't have to be alone if you're aromantic. there's always apr (queer platonic relationships) and you can also find other aros to be with, 
live with, hang out with etc.

 

[Rhyme]

Hi, and welcome to AVEN! I hope you enjoy your stay.

 

I'm with you, it's annoying to be questioning sometimes, regardless if people tell you that it's okay to be unsure. I also 'identified' as hetero for a long time, because I didn't feel particularly gay, and that's the only other alternative, right? No, turns out it isn't. I find people aestetically attractive, meaning that I see beautiful people and think damn, your body should be a sculpture in a museum, but not close to my body. Except for cuddling. 

 

Masturbating and watching/enjoying porn doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your sexuality. Masturbation releases stuff in your brain that makes you happy (can you tell science isn't my best subject?), and it just feels good. I've watched porn myself, and while I don't want to be in that situation, I can see the appeal in sex (even if porn is ridiculously overexaggerated).

 

It sucks thay your mum isn't supportive, but I think it's often the case that they just want their kids to be their definition of normal, so they don't feel like a failure. When their generation grew up, sexuality was barely a thing, and they just want their children to have a simple and easy life within the norms that society sets. They don't get that things are changing, and just like we're learning more about dark matter and gravity (I think? I don't know what scientists get up to), we're also learning more about people.

 

When it comes to being aromantic, I'm aro-questioning, but that is something I've put on hold for a little while. This is the way I think about it: I want something specific out of a relationship (cuddling, closeness, comfort, etc.). There is no way that I'm the only person that wants what I want out of a relationship. There has to be other people, I can't be one in seven billion. This means that I can find other people who want the same as me, no matter what we call the relationship. While labeling yourself is something that often feels urgent because you just want to know goddammit, relationships don't have to be that way in the beginning. Figure out what you want in a relationship, and if you want to, you can go looking for that. Many aromantic people are in QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationships), which can be whatever you define it as.

 

The way you describe your feelings, it seems very possible to me that you could be asexual, but as you said; you're the ultimate judge. What I suggest is to perhaps start labeling yourself as asexual for a little while, but just in your own head. How does it feel? Is it right for you? I didn't feel comfortable with the label until I jumped in and finally called myself ace.

 

Wow, that was a long response. I hope I said something even remotely helpful, and if not, I still hope you enjoy the website and the lovely people on it.

 

From your Norwegian neighbour (do you guys still want that mountain or what?)

[Oceana]

28 minutes ago, Karl said:

You don't have to be an aromantic if it doesn't come naturally. Don't feel pressure to be anything. I've been told that Aros can find partners too but they don't consider it romantic. Ask a an aro to explain that one to you because I don't thuroughly understand how it's different than having a best friend.

 

20 minutes ago, AndyAce said:

it's certainly very possible you're asexual if you don't want to have sex. weather or not there's some sort of "sexual attraction" force-like thing you may feel one day, doesn't really matter for now.

it's not wrong to feel that it's a big deal. but it could be mentally draining depending on how you look at it.

the possibility of being aromantic is a strange thing to worry about? if you want to be romantic with a person (kiss cuddle etc) i don't see where your concerns come from? maybe lack of crushes now? so.... hn first. you said you might be hetromantic.. do you encounter many men in your life? ever wanted to cuddle/kiss etc?

like karl said. you don't have to be alone if you're aromantic. there's always apr (queer platonic relationships) and you can also find other aros to be with, 
live with, hang out with etc.

 

Thank you, both! To be honest, I have no idea where it came from (the aromantic thing), but I'm a worrier, so maybe it's just in my nature to be worried about everything. It's tiring, really. I don't encounter a lot of men. I don't go out a lot, because I find too much human contact a bit tiring and I don't have a lot of friends to go out with (should do something about that, really) and I don't have too much free time. But I think I'd like to kiss and cuddle, but it has never really been directed to any single person, I don't think, Maybe I'm worrying for nothing  And thanks for reassuring me.

[LittleGoody2Shoes]

Just do what you feel comfortable doing without worrying about a label.

[deactivated account]

1 minute ago, Oceana said:

 

Thank you, both! To be honest, I have no idea where it came from (the aromantic thing), but I'm a worrier, so maybe it's just in my nature to be worried about everything. It's tiring, really. I don't encounter a lot of men. I don't go out a lot, because I find too much human contact a bit tiring and I don't have a lot of friends to go out with (should do something about that, really) and I don't have too much free time. But I think I'd like to kiss and cuddle, but it has never really been directed to any single person, I don't think, Maybe I'm worrying for nothing  And thanks for reassuring me.

yeah. i don't encounter many men for the same reason. i've had small crushes that didn't really mean much, and as of now i'm crush-less. maybe you just don't notice small crushes, or maybe you do and overthink it? i'm sure i've done that before. not noticed a crush for a while. but don't worry about it too much. some things are just unchangeable and are not worth spending time upset about. ^^ do just try your best. the community can be quite fun when boredom strikes. maybe it can help you get to know yourself better too.

[Oceana]

21 minutes ago, Rhyme said:

Hi, and welcome to AVEN! I hope you enjoy your stay.

 

I'm with you, it's annoying to be questioning sometimes, regardless if people tell you that it's okay to be unsure. I also 'identified' as hetero for a long time, because I didn't feel particularly gay, and that's the only other alternative, right? No, turns out it isn't. I find people aestetically attractive, meaning that I see beautiful people and think damn, your body should be a sculpture in a museum, but not close to my body. Except for cuddling. 

 

Masturbating and watching/enjoying porn doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your sexuality. Masturbation releases stuff in your brain that makes you happy (can you tell science isn't my best subject?), and it just feels good. I've watched porn myself, and while I don't want to be in that situation, I can see the appeal in sex (even if porn is ridiculously overexaggerated).

 

It sucks thay your mum isn't supportive, but I think it's often the case that they just want their kids to be their definition of normal, so they don't feel like a failure. When their generation grew up, sexuality was barely a thing, and they just want their children to have a simple and easy life within the norms that society sets. They don't get that things are changing, and just like we're learning more about dark matter and gravity (I think? I don't know what scientists get up to), we're also learning more about people.

 

When it comes to being aromantic, I'm aro-questioning, but that is something I've put on hold for a little while. This is the way I think about it: I want something specific out of a relationship (cuddling, closeness, comfort, etc.). There is no way that I'm the only person that wants what I want out of a relationship. There has to be other people, I can't be one in seven billion. This means that I can find other people who want the same as me, no matter what we call the relationship. While labeling yourself is something that often feels urgent because you just want to know goddammit, relationships don't have to be that way in the beginning. Figure out what you want in a relationship, and if you want to, you can go looking for that. Many aromantic people are in QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationships), which can be whatever you define it as.

 

The way you describe your feelings, it seems very possible to me that you could be asexual, but as you said; you're the ultimate judge. What I suggest is to perhaps start labeling yourself as asexual for a little while, but just in your own head. How does it feel? Is it right for you? I didn't feel comfortable with the label until I jumped in and finally called myself ace.

 

Wow, that was a long response. I hope I said something even remotely helpful, and if not, I still hope you enjoy the website and the lovely people on it.

 

From your Norwegian neighbour (do you guys still want that mountain or what?)

Thanks a lot! How come you feel so similar to me. That's odd. I don't encounter lot of people tha feel kind of familiar from the get go, if you know what I mean. But it's nice. I think I might take your advice. Chill a little with this and maybe try to figure out what I want from a relationship or something. And try to think of myself for a while as an asexual and see what happens. Luckily I don't actively think about it all the time, so shouldn't cause any problems.

 

I've read the same thing about masturbation and I could probably explain it just as well as you did. And also the sculpture thing. People are beautiful, but most of the time I prefer not to be touching or anything.

 

And yeah, of course we want the mountain, how is that even a question?  I just talked about this with my friend a few weeks ago and I'm pretty exited about the possibility. Well, to be fair, I don't think it's really possible for you guys to give a piece of land to us, but it's a nice gesture to even talk about it, I think.

[Oceana]

7 minutes ago, AndyAce said:

yeah. i don't encounter many men for the same reason. i've had small crushes that didn't really mean much, and as of now i'm crush-less. maybe you just don't notice small crushes, or maybe you do and overthink it? i'm sure i've done that before. not noticed a crush for a while. but don't worry about it too much. some things are just unchangeable and are not worth spending time upset about. ^^ do just try your best. the community can be quite fun when boredom strikes. maybe it can help you get to know yourself better too.

Yeah, to be fair, I probably wouldn't notice a crush even if it hit me in the head. And I don't really talk to that many men, so maybe there's also that. And I also might overthink it. That's probably even more likely, because I overthink almost everything. And it's also been a slight problem that I usually like guys who are athletic and mostly into the same sport that I am, and unluckily my Brother plays the same sport, knows everyone and has been known to tell his friends that I'm off limits, so no one would even dare to come close.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

You can be an aro and cuddly, I most certainly am!

[Nutmeg3]

So you've basically just described my whole life, haha. I totally get what you mean about appreciation for the physique of bother genders and the fear of being aromantic; that's been bothering me for some time now too.

My suggestion is to not worry about it. Just do normal things and hang out with friends and if you ever meet someone who's interested in you see where it goes. Let them know where your boundaries are, and if you start wanting something more with them, tell them about your orientation.

It's not unheard for an aromantic asexual to commit to a relationship or marriage. At the end of the day, we all want a close companion.

And don't worry about your mom; she'll either warm up to the idea of you being asexual or she won't bother you again.

Good luck!

[Oceana]

6 hours ago, Nutmeg3 said:

So you've basically just described my whole life, haha. I totally get what you mean about appreciation for the physique of bother genders and the fear of being aromantic; that's been bothering me for some time now too.

My suggestion is to not worry about it. Just do normal things and hang out with friends and if you ever meet someone who's interested in you see where it goes. Let them know where your boundaries are, and if you start wanting something more with them, tell them about your orientation.

It's not unheard for an aromantic asexual to commit to a relationship or marriage. At the end of the day, we all want a close companion.

And don't worry about your mom; she'll either warm up to the idea of you being asexual or she won't bother you again.

Good luck!

Haha, no way. It's weird to think that someone actually goes throug the same things (although, naturally I'm not all that unique in that aspect.) And thanks for the advice. Worrying is seriously like the main thing I do, but I'm trying to cut back anyway, so maybe this is a good place to start.

 

I love how you people are so welcoming and encouraging here. It's nice.