Seduced by ACE

[OddDuck]

I had met a fantastic, bright, beautiful, caring and loving female over breakfast. Might seem odd or silly but for me it was almost like love at first sight, not love as in to the regards of her physical appearance but love as in a mysterious figure who has appeared in my dreams time and time again who had somehow manifested into reality. It was like meeting an old friend because right away I felt something inside me awake and tell me pay attention and don't lose this one. This was someone special. Though at the time I was going through some things which are quite out of character for me. A recent traumatic loss, flashbacks of past trauamas, substance abuse, casual encounters, a significant depression. At the time I didn't really understand what it meant to be an asexual, which she so happens to be. I am a sexual being and I have my fantasies but rarely ever act on them. I am a fairly private person and have spent a good portion of my life in isolation. Didn't date anyone in high school, no proms/dance, didn't even attend graduation, I had an online relationship with an older woman throughout high school which I used to distract me from the girls my own age of who I just didn't find appealing to even get to know. My first actual date taking someone out to a dinner and movie was with a 16 year old prostitute and that was about two years ago. It was about a year and and half ago that I met Sunshine. She told me she was different, she has tried to convince me that she isn't right for me, she didn't mean for me to fall in love with her and subsequently Sunshine falling in love with me. The problem occurred once she got back together with her ex and our friendship turned into an affair where I was the other man which went on for close to a year and the duration of our friendship. It wasn't cheating in the forms of having sex but more so emotional infidelity and he was only a "boyfriend" by title (he has had a history of cheating on her but this isn't about right or wrong, or he said she said). We did however have many passionate and intense make out sessions and articles of clothing on my person had become undone by her hand until the day where she decided for us to go all the way, which my asexual had initiated and graphic warning of TMI was by her hand that lead first initial penetration. We could chalk this up as a result of too much wine but it was her choice. The next morning after a night of having my angel in my arms she wouldn't look at me and later that day sent me a text of how we couldn't see each other anymore, this was after she had told her ex about the night before. It has been seven months and twenty two days since I last laid eyes on her. For a few months after she wouldn't respond to a single text though she has been getting back to her chatty self as each day passes. Still she won't speak to me over the phone or go out for tea and a nice meander. She's not too sure when or better yet even if she will ever be able to see me again. I know she needs her time and her space even though I push a bit at times. I just miss her, she's my best friend. She was also the one who suggested that I look at these boards after disclosing my curiosity of wanting to better understand asexuality. I have learned quite a bit about asexuality over the past few days of browsing these forums and with what I have learned about asexuals is that to her I must be someone special. I understand that now and with that I want to be a better friend and with any luck an even better partner for her because it is what she deserves and I just want to see her happy.

 

What was the point of all that??? I've not understood her in the past, I have been mean and sometimes cruel resulting in both of us being upset.

 

I guess the conflict comes to play where she just wants me to be happy and content with being her friend and I want to put a ring on her finger and spend the rest of my days seeing her smile.

 

Everything works out given time

[deactivated account]

um. that sounds.. complicated? 

i guess... you were both drunk? 

 

[Kai99]

From your description it seems to me like she is sexually confused. She might very well be asexual or grey, but to me she sounds like someone who thought they were asexual due to their lack of sexual interest, but gained more sexual interest as she became more experience with the psychical side of dating. Many asexuals discover they are actually sexual after more dating experience.

 

Her reaction to you is definitely one of guilt which makes sense since she is cheating on her boyfriend with you. Her choosing to distance herself after the affair sounds like she past that imaginary cheating line she was trying hard not to do. She doesn't want to risk cheating on her boyfriend again so she is trying to avoid you now as much as possible.  Sounds to me like, despite the cheating, she still wants to work on her relationship with her boyfriend. She tried, at first, to keep the both of you and gave herself a line that she refuse to cross with you(intercourse). When she failed that(affair), she probably understood that being just friends with you will be too hard for her, and she didn't want to risk cheating on her boyfriend again so she dropped close communications with you and decided to stick with the boyfriend. I don't have much advice but it does seem like she made up her mind on that. 

[gisiebob]

so is getting what you want here disrespectful to the person you want to get? sounds to me like you aren't giving yourself a lot of winning exits here. if you really care about this person, consider for a second what if they are the hero of this story? are you still the good friend ready at their side...or are you found more antagonistic in this light? I hurt a friend that I cared a lot about pretty bad doing this sort of dance: saying they were important but only looking at how it affected me. and I hurt myself pretty bad in that too.