ally1234 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Hello, I have felt I was asexual for a long time and finally realized after finding this website that I am sure I am. I have only told the two people closest to me thinking they would be a good support system to have. My sister has been really great and supportive of me telling her, but my best friend not so much. When I finally told her she reacted like I should never tell anyone and made it seem like it is something I should be ashamed of. Granted I never planned on going around and telling everybody just my closest people for the time being. But she made me feel so bad about myself that I now have a hard time even being around her which is a serious problem since we live together. I was just curious if anyone has had reactions like this and how they handled it or any advice on what to do since I have to be around her all the time since we live together? Any comments at all will be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Moophie Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It's times like this that we find out who our friends really are. We can know someone for years without actually 'knowing' them. When it comes to negative reactions about things like this I focus on not taking it personally. Because it's not. This person's view on the subject would be the same whether they'are speaking to you or not. And not everyone is capable of realizing they're talking about someone they care about, or who cares about them. The fact is: it's not about you. Not even when they're talking to you face to face. It's about them. Them and their inability to perceive things beyond what they're accustomed to. Honestly, I feel more sad for these people and the ignorant hole they're stuck in. Rather than anger. Now... the fact you live with this person makes this more difficult, I'm sure. But if it's making you uncomfortable you should try to do something about it. Maybe let her know how it's affecting you. Like, tell her you understand you kind of dropped the subject out of nowhere, but... and then tell her what you told us. It's not good to feel stressed where you live. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ally1234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 4 hours ago, Moophie said: It's times like this that we find out who our friends really are. We can know someone for years without actually 'knowing' them. When it comes to negative reactions about things like this I focus on not taking it personally. Because it's not. This person's view on the subject would be the same whether they'are speaking to you or not. And not everyone is capable of realizing they're talking about someone they care about, or who cares about them. The fact is: it's not about you. Not even when they're talking to you face to face. It's about them. Them and their inability to perceive things beyond what they're accustomed to. Honestly, I feel more sad for these people and the ignorant hole they're stuck in. Rather than anger. Now... the fact you live with this person makes this more difficult, I'm sure. But if it's making you uncomfortable you should try to do something about it. Maybe let her know how it's affecting you. Like, tell her you understand you kind of dropped the subject out of nowhere, but... and then tell her what you told us. It's not good to feel stressed where you live. Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. I just have a very hard time expressing my feelings and confronting people about things that are bothering me. And my friend is really the opposite so I get nervous of her reaction if I do this, but I will try to find a way to talk about it with her. And I would like to add I did at one point discuss the topic of asexuality with her and she didn't seem that weird about it originally until I told her that I was. Thanks again Moophie! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
-------------- Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Do you know how much she knows about what asexuality is? When I told my mother I gave her links to a few websites with information, because she didnt really understand what I was talking about. So if you think it would help, and of course only if you would be comfortable with it, maybe provide her with a bit more information about asexuality as a legitimate orientation, not a disorder. But I must stress that you shouldn't do this if you aren't comfortable talking to her about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Roardova Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 Have you asked her how does her perception of you is now that she knows? Her discomfort & negativity may come from an angle of damage. You may not know what she's been through & she may think that you want her. It's a difficult conversation to have because you're living with her; but I've always believed in, if you aren't sexually active with a person; those people shouldn't know what you identify as unless it comes up in a direct conversation. Be careful how you approach it if you haven't already; if anything, I wish you luck on a future room mate. Somethings are irreversible in a sense. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Please take care of yourself. By that I mean, be sure you are in an environment that fosters your safety, happiness, and growth. Don't let her reaction make you doubt yourself or your journey. You may well be able to keep living with her, which would be amazing! Or you may find that she holds your back from becoming the person you are meant to be, which isn't cool. You're the only one who can tell, but remember that the only person who can decide what is best for you is you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pramana Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I think negative reactions to asexuality are often due to the fact that people don't know much about it, and assume that asexuals hate people, or something to that effect. My communication strategy is to provide information, such as web links to articles on the subject. I find that one of the easiest ways to explain it is through analogy to homosexuality and bisexuality. Do you think that your friend would have reacted differently if you said that you were homosexual or bisexual? If not, that would suggest she isn't a tolerant person, and you might be advised to find better friends. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Coming out as asexual is usually extremely bad news for someone you are dating, and parents may react with worry about whether you will be able to find love, have a family, etc. Platonic friends don't really have much reason to have a strong negative reaction. But your best friend lives with you and she doesn't like hearing that you're asexual. Is it possible that she is in love with you and you just unwittingly crushed her hopes of becoming a couple? She could have taken your lack of interest in anyone else as a good sign. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ally1234 Posted February 26, 2017 Author Share Posted February 26, 2017 4 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said: Coming out as asexual is usually extremely bad news for someone you are dating, and parents may react with worry about whether you will be able to find love, have a family, etc. Platonic friends don't really have much reason to have a strong negative reaction. But your best friend lives with you and she doesn't like hearing that you're asexual. Is it possible that she is in love with you and you just unwittingly crushed her hopes of becoming a couple? She could have taken your lack of interest in anyone else as a good sign. I cannot say that this is not something I have thought about. We do have friends in the LGBTQ+ community so its not like she isn't open to concepts like this. But at the same time I have known her since high school and she has only been with guys, so its not something I really considered. I know she could've always been into females and just not said anything to anyone or was not at the time and is not there are many circumstantial things that could play into that. But she does always made jokes that "we are a couple" because I have never been in an relationship and she has not been in one for a lot of years. I know she is not asexual because when I told her I was asexual one of the first words she said to me was " I'm not" it was a very strange reaction from her that quickly turned negative. I am not really sure what I would even do with this information as far as how to react or how I would find out or if I want to. What are your thoughts @nanogretchen4? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 I wouldn't question her directly about her feelings, although if I'm right she might say something to you before to long. I guess it's possible she feels like you are judging her for being sexual, or she may just be confused and have crazy misconceptions about asexuality. In that case a follow up conversation may help. I would recommend waiting a few days and then raise the topic when you are both calm and neither of you is rushed or distracted. You could maybe start by asking why she thinks it would be a bad idea to tell people about your orientation, and listen calmly to her answer. Let the conversation progress naturally, and listen more than you speak. Stay calm no matter what. Don't lecture her or argue with her. It's hard for one person to escalate a situation if the other person is being calm and quiet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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