What if "they're" right?

[rubyglo]

Oh guys...I'm still confused. Still discouraged. I last wrote about my therapist being dismissive about me possibly being asexual. The thing is, the last time we talked about it, I started to really wonder if she's right. She said "You're asexual...because you're still stuck in a child's mentality about it." Meaning, if I can overcome the root cause(s) of being disinterested, afraid, and averse, I'll come to find I'm not asexual after all. And that leaves me very conflicted.

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't? What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

I'm aware that there's a huge number of aces that are perfectly happy being who they are. They don't want sex, they don't need it, and they're totally fine with it. Clearly I'm not in that boat, at least not at this point, because it bothers me big time. It is making my current relationship extremely difficult to progress in. So even though I sound like I just made a sweeping statement, I'm just asking this because I personally am still very unsure. I truly don't mean to sound rude.

On a side note, I recently went on birth control for the first time in my life since I'm sure the bf and I will get there soon. What really sucks is that, before, I'd have a day or two during ovulation when I'd feel more of a desire to be with someone (not even necessarily sexually), but now the pill is preventing that. It stops ovulation and I just feel so flat. My desire is at a big fat zero. I'm four months into this relationship and still stuck. It's killing me.

 

 

[Ace ♠ At ♠ Archery]

Everyone likes different things. For example I like... cake  (). Other people might think cake's alright, other people will find cake disgusting but everyone has different opinions and it's exactly the same with sex. You shouldn't feel forced to do anything, as long as you're happy you shouldn't care what other people think because they aren't living your life and your choices won't affect them.

 

(Who couldn't like cake!?)

[Laplace]

While it's true that the community encourages people to embrace asexuality (people like having more people to relate to and it feels better to know there are more people like you), the choice to identify as aro/ace/etc. is largely a personal one. If it causes you distress or you don't want to be asexual, then you could call it a disorder as it applies to yourself. It's all about whether you personally like the identity or not. If an asexual starts to think that they may not be asexual, I personally won't try to chain them to the orientation. I can't offer any easy, definitive answer other than think about what you what makes you happy. If you feel you're ace, stick by it. If not, then don't feel guilty about changing your mind. No one should hold it against you.

[200 Ponies]

26 minutes ago, rubyglo said:

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't? What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

 

Well, I think it says a lot that we all come from such different backgrounds and still managed to find our way here. It's clearly something that is experienced regardless of religion, culture, language, gender, etc.

 

As for you, it seems like it's really causing you stress. But if you truly feel asexual, I wouldn't worry about your therapist. You know how you feel better than anyone else. You do you.

[LeChat]

56 minutes ago, rubyglo said:

I last wrote about my therapist being dismissive about me possibly being asexual. The thing is, the last time we talked about it, I started to really wonder if she's right. She said "You're asexual...because you're still stuck in a child's mentality about it." Meaning, if I can overcome the root cause(s) of being disinterested, afraid, and averse, I'll come to find I'm not asexual after all. And that leaves me very conflicted.

 

It sounds as though the therapist doesn't believe that asexuality exists or is a real sexual orientation, and needs to read current research about asexuality, like these:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201702/asexuality-brief-primer

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201702/do-asexuals-have-sexual-fantasies-and-do-they-masturbate

 

The therapist is wrong. Asexuality has always existed, just like homosexuality (it has been researched among observing animals); sex researchers have already been studying asexual humans for the past decade; and, as you can read on this forum, several, middle-aged adults tried to force themselves to have sexual relationships because they felt forced to by society's expectations. However, doing this still didn't cause them to like sex any better. It doesn't have anything to do with having a "child mentality." Some of us asexuals can't force ourselves to like sex (no matter how many times we try it), or have a sexual attraction towards people if we weren't born with it and don't feel anything.

 

Personally, I thought the same thing, like that therapist, too, throughout my 20s, because I wasn't educated enough to know the difference between asexuality and other sexual orientations. But, reading more about these things and listening to older adults who tried forcing themselves into sexual relationships, has helped educate me and help change my original opinion about myself. 

[argar]

I don't understand why it has to be an absolute?

 

Either you are asexual or no one is asexual is an interesting statement.

 

Personally I don't find that idea at all controversial, but I am comforted by all the evidence in my life that says otherwise.

 

There are a few asexual people on the site that have compromised with sex to be in a relationship.

 

You should not feel alone in making a decision like this.

 

If it turns out that maybe asexuality is not something that makes up your identity, that is perfectly fine as well.

 

Honestly at the end of the day you have to live with the decisions you make like the rest of us.

 

Good luck in the path you take in your life.

 

I know someone on here will always be willing to listen if you need someone.

 

Have a beautiful night.

 

 

 

[CrochetFool]

Quite frankly, you need a new therapist. NO therapist should be that dismissive. Does she think gay people are just going through a phase? Ask her that, exactly that, and see how she responds.

 

 

[Polygon]

I am supremely unconcerned either way. I do not see it as something that needs to be "cured" or "worked on", because my life is fine as it is. Different people will have different ideals and aims in life, and just because a large portion subscribes to a particular activity, doesn't mean that someone who doesn't go down that path is in need of "treatment". 

[Starfall]

      Blaming your lack of sexual desire on a 'child mentality' sounds suspiciously freudian. Most of Freud's theories have been completely debunked in recent years, and most credible psychologists no longer give them much weight. I agree that you may need to start looking for a therapist who's views are more compatible with your own. Psychology has a history of believing things just because they sound like they make sense (case in point: everything Freud ever said). If you were really still stuck in a child's way of thinking, you probably wouldn't be able to function as an adult, and you'd likely be experiencing problems besides just issues with sex. 

[Peachyy]

26 minutes ago, rubyglo said:

Oh guys...I'm still confused. Still discouraged. I last wrote about my therapist being dismissive about me possibly being asexual. The thing is, the last time we talked about it, I started to really wonder if she's right. She said "You're asexual...because you're still stuck in a child's mentality about it." Meaning, if I can overcome the root cause(s) of being disinterested, afraid, and averse, I'll come to find I'm not asexual after all. And that leaves me very conflicted.

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't? What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

I'm aware that there's a huge number of aces that are perfectly happy being who they are. They don't want sex, they don't need it, and they're totally fine with it. Clearly I'm not in that boat, at least not at this point, because it bothers me big time. It is making my current relationship extremely difficult to progress in. So even though I sound like I just made a sweeping statement, I'm just asking this because I personally am still very unsure. I truly don't mean to sound rude.

On a side note, I recently went on birth control for the first time in my life since I'm sure the bf and I will get there soon. What really sucks is that, before, I'd have a day or two during ovulation when I'd feel more of a desire to be with someone (not even necessarily sexually), but now the pill is preventing that. It stops ovulation and I just feel so flat. My desire is at a big fat zero. I'm four months into this relationship and still stuck. It's killing me.

 

 

it's all too convenient for someone to claim that. Disinterest, afraid, averse---think of all the things you don't seek fulfillment from, and those 3 reasons ,and wonder if someone with psychological training would seriously look at you and say that you are suffering from a child mentality--- that you aught to overcome the root causes... for the sake of... what? Would someone look at a woman who doesn't want to experience childbirth, and say her mind was childish? I'm confident it's been said before. Are we to believe someone on authority? If you actually are asexual, you wouldn't be first to feel upset about it, but why is your therapist trying to find reasons for how you aren't? Her job is to help you understand, not to try and find a loophole for you to be something different. 

 

But, I thought I was asexual for a long time. I was very afraid of sex, I was very averse, and I was all-together very disinterested. Lots of us on here experience a very fluid type of sexuality which means we don't have the consistence that can allow us to determine what we are, for always. For a year and a half I felt asexual and I believe that I was. And right now, I don't know what I would call myself, but the previous definition no longer applies. That's fine. My life hurts a lot less when I stop trying to laminate myself and I don't care all that much if my feelings fluctuate, but I would never say that my moment of asexuality was a relapse into a childish mindset. Maybe your therapist is right, and maybe she isn't. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that if you don't have any interest in having sex, there is no reason to. The benefit of sex, the reason, is that it satisfies a need, but it  satisfies nothing if there's no demand. It's like being told that acquiring a taste is important: It's not. 

[Galactic Turtle]

I don't know anything about psychology but responses to asexuality usually bring about words like "childlike" or "afraid." I think it's ok to think that way. I've never been in a relationship but I can imagine that because you're in one the issue of sex might be more pressing. Instead of focussing on if you're asexual or this or that, it might just be better to focus on how comfortable you are with your partner. You said you've gone on birth control so in my mind that tells me that you're getting there, maybe just slower than other people. If your partner is patient with you I see no problem with going down your own path and seeing what's at the end of it.

 

I only told my parents that I was asexual because they wouldn't stop bothering me about boys, dates, and marriage. I haven't had the urge to have sex or go on dates just like I don't get the urge to get drunk or go on road trips. Regardless of whatever my "official" orientation is, this will remain true. There very much could be something wrong with me. I think I'm "broken," I guess. But I like what I have going for me now even if I'm at the age where my choices are creating a distinctive lifestyle difference between my friends and I. I'm part of this big asexuality Facebook group and it kind of makes me roll my eyes sometimes how much people splice things apart and analyze every single detail to the extent that I think a certain portion of people are obsessed with being able to call themselves asexual. 

 

I'd say go with what fits and I'm rooting for you and your partner!

[Star Girl]

2 hours ago, rubyglo said:

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't?

If you later discover that the label asexual does not apply to you ("you" being a general someone), then you will have learned something new about yourself and gained new experiences.  I don't see how this is a problem.  As a community, we may encourage each other to embrace asexuality, but I think you have to remember that none of us live solely within AVEN and so the message of acceptance is going against the rest of society with its message that we are supposed to want sex.  As we have to seek out AVEN for acceptance for what we feel, I don't see how many of us could have arrived here and not be asexual when we wouldn't have had to seek this out if we were not actually asexual.

 

2 hours ago, rubyglo said:

What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

"Work on"?  Why?  For whom?  People do not choose their orientation, and it is not something they are supposed to "work on."  Saying that we are "supposed to" work on our sexuality implies that we somehow owe it to someone to be a certain sexuality.  We do not owe it to anyone.  Our sexuality is our own.  The only thing that we and others can "work on" is acceptance that our feelings are valid.  

[borkfork]

6 hours ago, rubyglo said:

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't? What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

I'm aware that there's a huge number of aces that are perfectly happy being who they are. They don't want sex, they don't need it, and they're totally fine with it. Clearly I'm not in that boat, at least not at this point, because it bothers me big time. It is making my current relationship extremely difficult to progress in. So even though I sound like I just made a sweeping statement, I'm just asking this because I personally am still very unsure. I truly don't mean to sound rude.

I sort of see what you're saying. I see a stagnation and people not really being challenged to think about these things more deeply sometimes. It's a slippery slope though, how can people be made to think in way that still feels positive and accepting. For a lot of people this is their only safe space.

 

It's OK to be unsure, but I hope you're unsure because you are. Not because your therapist is out of touch.

[KendraPM]

I take on a "if it's negatively impacting your life then work on it," otherwise it's not a problem. Problems need to be fixed, but everything else? They can be left alone.

People can speculate that just about anything can be taken back to a possible issue that should be worked on. Favorite color is green? Maybe something happened that caused you to latch onto that color and so therefore your preference of it isn't "natural." Does that mean you should fix it? Only if it's negatively impacting your life. Or if you really want to.

 

As for if asexuality is nature or nurture, I say some are going to fall under the first category and other's the second. I don't believe my asexuality is something that can be "worked on" per say. I believe I fall into the nature category. In other words, I was born this way.

But again, unless it is negatively impacting you, I don't see why you have to "fix" the nurture aspects of yourself.

 

Is your asexuality something that came about due to outside influences or is just the way you were born? No one can decide that for you. Maybe your therapist is right, or maybe they don't understand that asexuality is a legit orientation and not something every ace develops due to trauma.

[Sally]

If you don't want to have sex with another person -- and you've felt that way for some time -- there's really nothing to work on.    You can't mentally try to convince yourself that you want sex.  You can't ask a therapist to somehow work on you themselves so you want sex.  Falling in love with someone/loving them/wanting to be with them doesn't make you want sex.  (I know this  personally from lonnnnng experience.)

 

Get a new therapist, and when you're trying to find one, ask the person what they know about asexuality.  If they don't know  anything, and they think  it's  a disorder/problem in any way, don't use them.  

[rubyglo]

Thank you everyone for your responses, I'll take some time to look over them.

[Blondbear]

On 22/2/2017 at 3:19 AM, rubyglo said:

Oh guys...I'm still confused. Still discouraged. I last wrote about my therapist being dismissive about me possibly being asexual. The thing is, the last time we talked about it, I started to really wonder if she's right. She said "You're asexual...because you're still stuck in a child's mentality about it." Meaning, if I can overcome the root cause(s) of being disinterested, afraid, and averse, I'll come to find I'm not asexual after all. And that leaves me very conflicted.

Now, I mean no offense whatsoever, but what if here in this community we're just so biased that we all encourage each other to embrace asexuality and it turns out many of us actually aren't? What if we accept this about ourselves but we don't realize there's something we're supposed to be working on?

I'm aware that there's a huge number of aces that are perfectly happy being who they are. They don't want sex, they don't need it, and they're totally fine with it. Clearly I'm not in that boat, at least not at this point, because it bothers me big time. It is making my current relationship extremely difficult to progress in. So even though I sound like I just made a sweeping statement, I'm just asking this because I personally am still very unsure. I truly don't mean to sound rude.

On a side note, I recently went on birth control for the first time in my life since I'm sure the bf and I will get there soon. What really sucks is that, before, I'd have a day or two during ovulation when I'd feel more of a desire to be with someone (not even necessarily sexually), but now the pill is preventing that. It stops ovulation and I just feel so flat. My desire is at a big fat zero. I'm four months into this relationship and still stuck. It's killing me.

 

 

 

Of course this community is biased, but everybody is biased in life. I think the main problem of Aven community is not that is biased or that other people could be right, the main problem is that many people in Aven think that the definitions of Aven regarding asexuality, sexuality, etc.. are the truth when in fact they are only opinions or conclusions based on personal experiences that in many cases can't be generalized.

Let's give some examples, according to Aven asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, that is a concept that many users repeat like if it was a law of physics but it's just the opinion of the founder of Aven who now he says himself that people shouldn't be too keen with that definition because that definition is not good in any cases and can change in the future, in fact sexuality in the past was never defined by attraction, sexuality was usually defined by facts. You have sex you are sexual, you don't have sex you are what they would call "celibate", you have sex with men you are homosexual, etc.. for them it would be like a lawyer who works as a lawyer but says he is nor a lawyer but he is a plumber because he wants to be plumber. 

So all definitions have their shortcomings and its inability to fully define reality, but in my opinion asexual definition is not a law is just an opinion stated and should be taken like that. 

Then you add the concept of demisexuality, a concept that says that some people just have sex  with people with who they create a psychological bond.

But that is again a flawed concept because it asumes demisexuality is a "sexuality" in the spectrum of "asexuality" and by that asumes also that allosexuals don't need to create strong emotional bonds to have sex when in fact 2/3 of women have only 3 sexual partners or less during their whole life. 

The whole system is flawed or is irrelevant in my opinion because it doesn't explain well the reality.

Then you have the fact that there is a generalized advice that if somebody doesn't experience sexual atraction he shouldn't try to solve it because that is perfectly alright and because you don't own sex to anybody, I disagree with the first statement, there are many conditions that can shut down sexuality, from depression to hormonal imbalances to anti depression pills, menopause, post partum, brestfeeding, etc.. some can last for months other for years and decades, some are fixable and some not, I even read an study that said that when women have health problems the chances of sexuality shutting down increase because pregnancy is very taxing with the body. So yes, lack of sexual attraction can be the side effect of something else and is worth checking, not only because sex itself but because it can be a consequence. 

Then you have another problem with asexuality, and this is that proving that something exists is much easier than proving that something doesn't exist, that's not even related to sex, is a general thing. If somebody is homosexual it't very easy to understand that he is if he likes men or have sex with men. At least he is bisexual, but determining that you are asexual and you will always be using a concept like attraction is very tricky because you can play with semantics or you can experience it 5 years later.

There is also another biased characteristic that is related to the anthropomorphic principle, imagine that you are in jail and you ask all the people inside jail if education works to avoid getting in jail, they will all will say that education don't work because many of them had good parents but even with that they ended up in jail. But the point is that they absolutely are thinking that and reinforcing each other because they don't know the thousands of people who are not in jail because of education and they are neither in their circle. I don't mean that asexuality can be changed with education it was just an example.

 

In my point of view asexuality is a valid concept to understand oneself better and the problems that a specific person can have when getting related with others, I also think that asexuality exists in some cases as a biological structural state, specially in people who is agender or bigender. But I absolutely think that the whole concept of asexuality is simplistic and flawed to define reality in a broad way.

I was reading a forum about sex one month ago, there was a thread about a woman who called herself a "frigid" during years, she had only two sexual partners during her all life until she was on her 50s both partners cheated on her because of lack of sex, one day being in her 50s she started having an affaire with another man and started enjoying sex and she made some introstepction and realized that she was not "frigid" but she just never was into both her partners, she loved them but was not in love but she became crazy for that guy.

If that woman had come this forum everybody would have tell her that she is asexual, she is perfectly fine, etc.. and that she can't change and she doesn't have to change. But is not about changing is about the fact that sex is not a thing, sex is a relationship and a relationship is circle of factor that feed each other.  

 

So, answering in short now, yes, they can be right.

Or they can be wrong.

Live your life, try to be happy and use only tags as a matter to understand you better and not as a way to box you.

[Guest]

This is one of the things that I really don't like about AVEN, how people come here saying "I think I might be asexual" and immediately AVENers rush to reassure them that if they think they are asexual then of course they are! When actually I think a lot of the time they think they may be asexual due to immaturity, ignorance (you'd think I would have become used to how ignorant people on here can be about normal sexuality but I am still surprised somewhat regularly), fear etc.

 

While I think these people should be welcomed into the community, I think that there should be more effort put towards encouraging them to educate themselves and think about what they are really feeling before just saying "yes you're asexual". I find it particularly shocking when people come here describing sex-repulsion which is causing them distress and instead of encouraging them to see a therapist AVENers are just saying "look no further, it is totally ok for asexuals to be sex repulsed (apparently even when it is so distressing to them that it is clearly within the realms of mental illness)". There was one particular thread a few years ago where someone was describing such extreme sex-repulsion that they were injuring themselves in order to prevent arousal and asking how to chemically castrate themselves, and instead of shouting "go see a doctor!" people were actually giving them advise on how to do a DIY chemical castration 😓😱

 

Sorry for the rant 😅 Anyway, maybe your therapist is just ignorant about asexuality, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are wrong. Even if they are, would examining this further do any harm? Seems to be that looking into why you feel that you are asexual can only lead to personal growth and greater understanding of yourself, whether you end up establishing that your are asexual or not. Also, I wouldn't call saying that you might not be asexual, that there may be other reasons why you are feeling this way, doesn't necessarily seem completely dismissive to me. It depends on why you are seeing them, but often it is the job of therapists to challenge your assumptions about yourself and help you understand your motivations more deeply. are they being dismissive, or are they just doing their job?

[nanogretchen4]

Obviously your therapist does not believe that you are asexual. They don't believe that you actually don't want sex because you are currently arranging your whole life around your extreme determination to have sex on a regular basis. You are dating a sexual person, and you have gone to a doctor to get birth control as part of your planning for your immanent sex life. You are asking for advice on how to improve your sex life. Under the circumstances, your therapist's skepticism is not very surprising.

 

You could probably find another therapist who does believe you, but do you know what that therapist will do? They will help you brainstorm ways to connect with an asexual community ASAP, in the hopes that eventually you and another asexual will have a healthy, compatible relationship. If you actually have a minority sexual orientation, you need to find your community now and date later. No therapist in their right mind will both believe that you are asexual and give you strategy tips for getting into an incompatible relationship rather than facing up to the coming out process.

[_01_]

Re people loosing sex drive during illness... Yes, pregnancy is very taxing on the body, but so is sex itself, not only pregnancy. It would be very practical for the body to force the person to limit sexual activity during illness. But the problem is that I myself am, hmm, MORE sensual during menstruation (which is illness for me, I have menorrhagia/heavy bleeding, which is very dangerous for me) and other illnesses (flu, etc). Also during stress. So my body instead of protecting me tries to kill me. Heh.

Birth control is very dangerous for health. These are things they don't tell you... just fuck, take the pill, everything will be great! They don't tell you that the pill has shitloads of side effects, IUDs look like medieval torture devices and no method is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy! Then you have to do abortion which is basically assault on your body. All that hurting yourself only because of fucking. I love *myself* and don't want to treat my body like it's worthless only because of urges. When I was teen and obssesed with birth control (my life goal: never having a child, lol) I found book about birth control side effects on google books. I don't remember the title, but maybe it's still there. The pill gives people illnesses they didn't had before. It's not harmless. I was devastated. I know what I'm saying, I grown up and I work in health/science. Chemical abortion works by making your body too sick to sustain pregnancy. So yeah, it's serious stuff. It won't be alright because love and romanticism, oh ah. Sex has consequences. It's not for free. If you want to start being sexually active make sure you're ready to pay the price. It's fine if you know and accept consequences, and have realistic knowledge about the subject based on fact, not society's glorification of sex or blind 'love' which can be fleeting (look how many people divorce). It's also a good idea to read something about toxic relationships, for example Susan Forward. This way you'll be able to consciously choose healthy ones instead. If you want good sex life it's important to distinguish fact from fiction, hallucinations, dreams. And YOU have to want it, not your therapist or boyfriend. If you'll force yourself into it you won't enjoy it, don't fool yourself. It must come from you to be healthy. Good luck.
 

[Homer]

I don't really get why one thing has to rule out the other.

 

Maybe your therapist is of the opinion that there is something to work on... something which isn't asexuality itself, but something that could have "no interest in sex" as a "fallout" product? What she said is possible at last, so why not check what she thinks to be the root cause and see where it goes? Especially since you're unhappy as it is.

 

If you manage to find and tackle a root cause, resulting in you disvovering an interest in sex as a fallout, great!

If you manage to find and tackle a root cause, resulting in you not discovering any interest, great!

 

Therapists need as much info as possible in order to be able to work with you. The more tools and starting points they have, the better. This is not about rightout rejecting asexuality as a concept. This isn't about being "right" or "wrong".

 

Assuming your therapist is "right" and you feel better afterwards, what harm is being done?

[NoLongerActive1234]

If you feel distressed about it and feel like there might be merit to what they say then of course you can go down this route with your therapist and see how it goes. Just because they say that you are 'stuck in a child's mentality' does not make it automatically true though. 
I don't understand this whole concern that people could actually be some sort of sexual here and oh no we must make them see mentality. Sure it is important to show that it is a possibility too most definitely but why get too carried away with this as if it is some sort of 'mission'. I'm personally one of those who has come to realize that I am not asexual strictly speaking but that doesn't mean I'm going to go promote that this definitely must be the same way for everyone else here. Why not let people do them and support them in their own journey. If someone is happy as they are with their identity and only looking for support why decide for them that they should not be fine with it? That feels like jumping to conclusions way too much, besides people generally do know themselves better. We have lived with ourselves for X amount of years that strangers on the internet have not . Even if say it were that many realize that they aren't asexual....so what? That's up to them to figure out if that happens or if they specifically ask thinking they are.

[butterscotchwm]

This is a very interesting thread.  My initial reaction to the original poster's story was, "UGH!  Screw that therapist!!  Get a new one!"  But I was more thinking about "What if I personally were in that situation?"  The OP's situation could be different.  All of these people's replies have kind of opened my mind up to the possibility of maybe following through with the therapist's suggestions.  Because maybe if you can't exactly argue with her that you're just asexual, if you follow through with their recommendations, and it turns out you're still asexual, then maybe your therapist will reconsider.  Maybe try to not think of this as a life or death situation (or I'm right and you're wrong!), and think of it as a opportunity for both of you to learn something?

However, you DID mention that you still felt very confused, discouraged, ect.  Is your therapist aware that you feel that way?  Because maybe she's just trying to help you, and she didn't mean for you to feel so invalidated?  A therapist is supposed to provide a safe space for you and make you feel /BETTER/ not /WORSE/ about yourself.  So I would try to talk this out with her, and be %100 honest about how you're feeling, and maybe she'll change her methods a little bit?  Because sometimes we just need someone to be supportive and say "You're feelings are valid.  It's ok that you feel this way."  

Also, it occurred to me that you can learn how to be more comfortable with sex without necessarily "changing" your asexuality.  Being asexual doesn't mean you're prescribed a list of rules and regulations about what your'e supposed to do, or how you're supposed to feel about sex.  Your ace feelings can be validated whilst learning to enjoy (or at least tolerate) sex.

And if you figure out for yourself that you're not asexual, then your feelings are still valid, and we'd still love for you to come back to these forums and talk with us!