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Am I asexual, or just scared?


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I’m a 19 year old girl. I have never dated or been in a relationship and I am still a virgin. I've always been attracted to guys, I have found men cute before and I can recognize when someone is attractive. I’ve had crushes before, and I've thought about things like dating, falling in love, and I have always wanted to get married someday, and have kids. But the thought of sex has always scared me, and I have never had any strong desire for it. When I see people who are attractive, I think about if they are a nice person, but I never picture their body or what they would look like naked. Since I was young I have always hated people touching me - things like shaking hands, hugging someone, kiss on the cheek, etc. - Unless its someone I'm close to (like family or a close friend) I wont be comfortable with any form of contact. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable around new people as well.

I would like a relationship one day, but I've always found the thought of actually having sex scary and kind of gross. Whenever I think about guys, it usually just involves going on dates and making out, never sex. I have thought about having it one day, but I have always been scared of things like, what if it hurts, or if I do something wrong. I have always been insecure about myself and I am always worried about what other people think of me. So if I ever do have sex, I think I will be terrified about what he will think. But then there are other things that just seem disgusting to me (like oral, or using fingers). I dont like looking at other people naked. I have never have urges to look at porn (or anything with nudity), I don't even like looking at myself naked. I never really have a strong interest in doing things to myself either. I have touched/rubbed my body before, but thats about it. I never really feel a strong urge to pleasure myself (even if I do I can just ignore the urge). It even feels uncomfortable (and sometimes hurts) to put a tampon in, so the thought of sex terrifies me. I kind of think I am probably just afraid because I've never tried it, but I never get the urge to do it. No sex dreams, or horny urges or fantasies.

And then there's my heath as well. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety problems, 3 years ago - which I still have. So I cant even feel happiness or excitement any more. But there is also, when the depression started I also started cutting/scratching myself. I now have scars on my arms and thighs. This has made me even more insecure about my body, I never let anyone see me. Even on the hottest days of the year I will wear jeans and long sleeved tops. I'm terrified about what other people will think of them as well and I am so insecure about my body. I cant ever picture letting people see me naked. 

I keep thinking no one will ever want to be with me now, especially since from what I see on TV and the internet it seems like sex is really important for other people.

Sorry this is so long, I just feel really confused. What do other people think?

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Welcome to AVEN:cake:

I wouldn't say you're scared from what it sounds like. If you have no urge or yearning to do "stuff" with others then I would say that you're asexual, but that can always change (personally I don't like labels, just be you). I'm sure you'll find that the people here are very welcoming to new users and will answers any questions you got. Now...I do hope your not hurting yourself anymore, take it from my experience in that it doesn't help (I didn't cut myself, but rather did other "things"). As I said prior if you got any problems I'm sure somebody can relate to you, stay strong ya?

 

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Wow, we are very similar. I'm almost exactly the same way except for the fact that making out is included in my list of things that I don't have an interest in. I am still extremely confused, too (I'm about to write a post on it). I'm glad you're here, it's so good to know there are other people feeling the same way.

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Before I knew about asexuality, I wondered if I was just bad with women or inexperienced/uncomfortable with romance/sex. As a 22 y.o. virgin dude, I caught some flak and was picked on for being different and uninterested in women (or men for that matter). I've agonized over whether I was missing out or dooming myself to a miserable, lonely existence. But now, I'm fairly confident that I am ace; I just needed to know the word for it. The key is I felt secure and happy when I concluded that it fit me. 

 

In your case, I won't make any judgments for you; I know anxiety and depression can put a damper on many things (I'm not diagnosed with depression myself but I have a reputation for cynicism), not just sexual or romantic desire. At the same time, you shouldn't necessarily write asexuality off as just a symptom of a wider disorder. Finding yourself isn't easy, and you have to find the answer on your own. That isn't to say you can't maybe talk to a therapist or browse this site for advice. Just make sure that when the time comes and you have all the information you need, you decide who you are, not someone else.

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